All Apologies

Sometimes I think of the lyrics and music of songs to be less about the parts, but more about the “sum of the parts” or the basic feeling the song is trying to get across (Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata might be a good example of this). Fritz Perls called the sum of the parts (more than the parts in an of themselves) the “Gestalt” of an experience/object. Kurt stated in an interview that is the song's mood was "Peaceful, happy, comforting." But the song also clearly conveys intense suicidal ideation. Some of the confusion may be that often the direct experience of pure hopelessness can come with it a certain kind of peacefulness (for Certainty is an antidote to anxiety). And it is well known that many suicide victims suddenly become happier the moment they truly decide they are really going to do it. I think the hopelessness/certainty, peacefulness is an important part of the bigger picture to this song.

I have included both the original lyrics (recorded in Seattle on January 1, 1990) and the in utero version, kind of out of order. Also it is notable that Kurt first locked eyes with Courtney on January 11 of the same year, so it can’t be about her at all.

What else could I be, all apologies (Depression and suicidal ideation. There’s nothing more to say or do if you kill yourself. It’s the ultimate way of letting everyone down forever without hope of redemption) What else could I write, I don't wanna fight (Depression makes it impossible to feel passionate about his writing) What else could I say, all my words are gray (Depression makes him feel meaninglessness, empty) What else should I say (Depression makes him feel hopeless and helpless) Everyone is gay (We are all on the gender spectrum; he is aware and struggles with this) What else could I write I don't have the right (Again, the loss of passion, letting everyone down, and the horrible Guilt of it all)

In the sun I feel as one, (The sun represents a pain free existence, the source of all life, Mother Nature, to which one returns to in death) I'm married buried" (Anhedonia—the complete loss of joy and pleasure—gives the sufferer the impression that dual concepts, such as life/death, married/buried are one and the same thing).

I wish I was like you Easily amused (able to experience pleasure and happiness without using) Find my nest of salt (Don’t really know, but a nest of salt sounds like suffering) Everything is my fault (Depression makes him feel enormous guilt, shame, worthlessness, self-loathing) I'll take all the blame (Depression makes him feel like an overwhelming burden).

Aqua seafoam shame (The feeling of Shame washing away into the ocean) Sunburn with freezerburn (Any way you look at it it’s hopeless). Choking on the ashes of her enemy (Her, Mother Nature, The Sun, Kurt is the one who is choking, and the Enemy of mother nature is what? US. Our destructive existence).

A lot of the more abstract lines are just guesswork on my part really. When a person writes in highly metaphorical or stream-of-consciousness way, the words then become symbolic and "written" in the language of the unconscious (mythological, as the energies of instincts, impulses, complexes etc.). But like dreams, sometimes there is hidden meaning and sometimes there really isn’t. You will have to decide!

For awhile now I’ve been trying to process and integrate Kurt’s death, even though I did not know him personally. When you are a teenager or young adult (as I was when he died) and love a certain band (especially if that band is culturally symbolic in some way, as Nirvana/Grunge was for the vast number of us who did not fit in to “easy” categories in high school and life), having the main songwriter of the band die in the worst possible way was pretty shocking, and it cut me deep. What I’ve come to terms with is that Kurt was a very, very sick man. A genius sick with the disease of addiction and sick with the disease of mental illness. Also, as a sensitive, vulnerable artist type he constantly experienced the world as “too much with him,” and when a person is like that, their art is the only way to live and be and move through or "process" the world. When that was taken away by his symptoms he felt he had--was--nothing. Knowing this causes me not to over-identify with him, the source of all my personal suffering on the matter.

Please be aware that Major Depression (or the Depression inherent in Manic Depression, Kurt’s most likely diagnosis) is very real neurological disease like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. But Unlike Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, it isn’t inherently progressive. A high, high percentage of people who have Depression often recover completely with the help of therapy, meds, finding a meaningful life and friends/family support system.

Please call this number now if you are thinking of committing suicide: 1-800-273-TALK