Change of Time

I worked for many years to be a nurse. All I ever wanted to do was be a flight nurse. So there I was with three little kids going to nursing school. I spent many many hours driving between my 3 jobs and school. I came home every night through these country lanes in the dark. I missed my kids so in the dark van I would cry. Cry because I missed time with my kids, my husband, my parents. After 4 years it all paid off. I became a registered nurse. I applied to a Children's hospital and started working on my trauma credits. I wanted to fly. All I wanted to do was fly in those amazing, sleek, helicopters. I watched them land and take off. I was infatuated by them. I did a cart wheel on the helipad at my hospital. On a dark October night I was driving home from the job I loved. Another driver fell asleep at the wheel and struck the driver door of that van I had spent countless hours in. I remember being stuck and I knew it was bad. I was in and out of conciousness and I was so scared. I was in the middle of a highway and no cars were moving. I was going to die. I knew I was going to die. The lights of the emergency vehicles were chaotic and I listened as my beloved minivan was cut apart around my broken body. Over an hour later I was opening my eyes to the horrific realization that I was in a helicopter. I was going to die in that elegant bird that glided through the skies. I was going to die alone in that dark airspace over the city. The helicopter was headed to the trauma center connected to Children's. I was landing on a familiar helipad. I was going there, to die! That was almost exactly 2 years ago. I didn't die, but sometimes I wish I had. My body is broken, my head injury and pain prevents me from being the person I once was. I am forgetful. I get overwhelmed easily. I don't work as a nurse much anymore and when I do I am supervised by someone. I hate this life. Friends tell me I was a stubborn, head strong, outgoing woman who accomplished everything I wanted to. Now I am fragile and vulnerable. I am having surgery again next month. I want to walk like I used to. I want to run and not hurt. Heck I'd like to stand and not hurt. I want to remember things well enough to be a flight nurse. I don't want my only flight to be a patient at the end of her nursing career. It's only a change of 2 years. I'm going to keep swimming!