to me this song isnt even close to being about Eating disorders but everyone sees something a different way.
this song for me.. its pretty rough.. from the opening line to the closing
"the lights went out all around me, one last candle to keep out the night,
and then the darkness surrounds me"
if I could put into words how things were before I would word it exactly as she has.
your life is falling apart and your slowly loosing hope and strength to move on, until you have but one candle one hope to keep you going and you throw all your last strength into it and it lasts a little while and then fades and then the hopelessness creeps in, I'm almost sad to say how much I can relate to this because after that hope was gone for me.. it didn't matter how hard I fought to keep going I didn't BELIEVE it was worth it. and eventually it culminated with my trying to take my own life by overdosing.. and God used an amazing "coincidence" to save my life.. I took 2 times the lethal dosage and because of a simple antacid taken for a "random" upset stomach earlier .. it delayed the medicine from getting into my system long enough for my best friend to quite literally slap me back to reality long enough to get to the hospital.. and now that I have come so far I can look back and laugh ( youll have to forgive my dark humor) because even though in my mind I "knew" I was going to Die,.. I was whining\joking the whole time at the hospital with her about how she didn't have to slap me so hard,even if I am a big guy it still hurt like crazy..she threw her WHOLE body into it and shes not exactly small. (she actually BRUISED my face pretty good and there was some blood) anyways moving on
"I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died"
couldnt be more literal. I knew I was alive because I shouldn't have been so I was rejoicing and was trying to turn everything around.. for example. the next day of course I felt numb but it was more than that.. for days and weeks even I felt almost ethereal like I wasnt even there.. like a ghost.. there where times I actually prodded myself to make sure I was real.
"My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place"
I immediately realized how stupid and childish it was to try and give up on life.. but just because now I didn't want to kill myself didn't in any way lessen the pain that was now doubled with the shame and guilt of trying to commit suicide. my whole world was the pain inside my chest.. throbbing some times, sometimes stabbing, sometimes just utter emptiness ice. all I could do was just getting through 1 day at a time without breaking down. and I slowly pieced together why God let this happen to me, or rather how he prevented what I wanted from happening.. it was like.. I was throwing a tantrum, the alpha and omega came and sat by me and held me while I cried and spoke "I know you hurt so much and you don't think you can bear it anymore but I know you better and you can and will and I have a plan for you its going to be great! and besides.. I'm not done with you yet grin... yea I know.. I just drew a picture of God telling a joke at my expense.. but firstly.. my mind so I will picture it how I want so =P and secondly.. God knows each of us better than anyone else... so he would know that It I wouldnt be able to keep from laughing at something like that even while crying.. regardless of the situation, and of everything I know about God, something tells me he would want to cheer you up, just my random mind for you..
but being serious again for a minute even though Its been 9 months... (whoah, creepy to the day aparently). there are still days when its hard.. and I feel like I cant go on.. but I find strength in God, through him all things are possible... and I'm pretty sure that when they say "all things" they dont mean "everythingexcept inner strength and perseverance through hard times" when its said "ALL THINGS are possible through God" they mean ALL things.. so dont be afraind to just pray for some strength.. may not seem like it will help but.. Its God were talking about.. how can anything from him not help? this song is amazing I only wish I knew then, what I know now, but in retro.. God has helped me to have a lot of experience with this subject others may not have.. and I dont think that he has done so for me to just sit on it.. just like any Gift from God he expects us to us them.. so in parting.. I'm here if anyone ever needs to talk. or if anyone is curious for more details about my story.. give me a IM my AIM sn is "eriequiet" same as user name.. and secondly.. sorry I rambled so long hard to cut it shorter
to me this song isnt even close to being about Eating disorders but everyone sees something a different way. this song for me.. its pretty rough.. from the opening line to the closing "the lights went out all around me, one last candle to keep out the night, and then the darkness surrounds me" if I could put into words how things were before I would word it exactly as she has. your life is falling apart and your slowly loosing hope and strength to move on, until you have but one candle one hope to keep you going and you throw all your last strength into it and it lasts a little while and then fades and then the hopelessness creeps in, I'm almost sad to say how much I can relate to this because after that hope was gone for me.. it didn't matter how hard I fought to keep going I didn't BELIEVE it was worth it. and eventually it culminated with my trying to take my own life by overdosing.. and God used an amazing "coincidence" to save my life.. I took 2 times the lethal dosage and because of a simple antacid taken for a "random" upset stomach earlier .. it delayed the medicine from getting into my system long enough for my best friend to quite literally slap me back to reality long enough to get to the hospital.. and now that I have come so far I can look back and laugh ( youll have to forgive my dark humor) because even though in my mind I "knew" I was going to Die,.. I was whining\joking the whole time at the hospital with her about how she didn't have to slap me so hard,even if I am a big guy it still hurt like crazy..she threw her WHOLE body into it and shes not exactly small. (she actually BRUISED my face pretty good and there was some blood) anyways moving on "I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died" couldnt be more literal. I knew I was alive because I shouldn't have been so I was rejoicing and was trying to turn everything around.. for example. the next day of course I felt numb but it was more than that.. for days and weeks even I felt almost ethereal like I wasnt even there.. like a ghost.. there where times I actually prodded myself to make sure I was real. "My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I wonder why God lets me walk through this place" I immediately realized how stupid and childish it was to try and give up on life.. but just because now I didn't want to kill myself didn't in any way lessen the pain that was now doubled with the shame and guilt of trying to commit suicide. my whole world was the pain inside my chest.. throbbing some times, sometimes stabbing, sometimes just utter emptiness ice. all I could do was just getting through 1 day at a time without breaking down. and I slowly pieced together why God let this happen to me, or rather how he prevented what I wanted from happening.. it was like.. I was throwing a tantrum, the alpha and omega came and sat by me and held me while I cried and spoke "I know you hurt so much and you don't think you can bear it anymore but I know you better and you can and will and I have a plan for you its going to be great! and besides.. I'm not done with you yet grin... yea I know.. I just drew a picture of God telling a joke at my expense.. but firstly.. my mind so I will picture it how I want so =P and secondly.. God knows each of us better than anyone else... so he would know that It I wouldnt be able to keep from laughing at something like that even while crying.. regardless of the situation, and of everything I know about God, something tells me he would want to cheer you up, just my random mind for you.. but being serious again for a minute even though Its been 9 months... (whoah, creepy to the day aparently). there are still days when its hard.. and I feel like I cant go on.. but I find strength in God, through him all things are possible... and I'm pretty sure that when they say "all things" they dont mean "everything except inner strength and perseverance through hard times" when its said "ALL THINGS are possible through God" they mean ALL things.. so dont be afraind to just pray for some strength.. may not seem like it will help but.. Its God were talking about.. how can anything from him not help? this song is amazing I only wish I knew then, what I know now, but in retro.. God has helped me to have a lot of experience with this subject others may not have.. and I dont think that he has done so for me to just sit on it.. just like any Gift from God he expects us to us them.. so in parting.. I'm here if anyone ever needs to talk. or if anyone is curious for more details about my story.. give me a IM my AIM sn is "eriequiet" same as user name.. and secondly.. sorry I rambled so long hard to cut it shorter