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In fear every day, every evening,
He calls her aloud from above,
Carefully watched for a reason,
Painstaking devotion and love,
Surrendered to self preservation,
From others who care for themselves.
A blindness that touches perfection,
But hurts just like anything else.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
Mother I tried please believe me,
I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through,
I'm ashamed of the person I am.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
But if you could just see the beauty,
These things I could never describe,
These pleasures a wayward distraction,
This is my one lucky prize.
Isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation.
He calls her aloud from above,
Carefully watched for a reason,
Painstaking devotion and love,
Surrendered to self preservation,
From others who care for themselves.
A blindness that touches perfection,
But hurts just like anything else.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
Mother I tried please believe me,
I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through,
I'm ashamed of the person I am.
Isolation, isolation, isolation.
But if you could just see the beauty,
These things I could never describe,
These pleasures a wayward distraction,
This is my one lucky prize.
Isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation.
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A fear that never goes away. You wake up with it, you get into bed with it. You're afraid of things that are weeks in the future and of things that are tomorrow almost equally.
You feel inferior to everyone, but you don't look up to them either because you just aren't like them. You always try to fit into the world despite all these problems, but everything weakens you so much that you don't have the energy you need to be someone anyone can be proud of. However, other people don't understand that, not even in your family. You have to look for other reasons to explain your strange behavior, although that disconnects you even more from everyone.
The only moments to get some energy back and that you actually enjoy are the ones in which you are alone. It's fun, it's relaxing, it's like medicine. However, people can't understand that either and will criticize you for it. You become too boring for everyone. You have to argue why you don't want to travel around the world and make parties 24/7.
And that's the contradiction that follows you your whole life. You enjoy those things the most that alienate you, which in return increase the fears even further so that you want to spend even more time alone. But you can't help but cherish those lonely hours without any worries.
This is my wonderful prize." So there is a payoff to his condition. He has settled and accepted what he believes is his fate; somehow he's made it work for him. Curtis was a genius.
In fear every day, every evening
He calls her aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else
the next verse is to say sorry to his mother
Mother I tried please believe me
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am
then he goes on to say that he feels death would be a beautiful thing if he reaches the afterlife
But if you could just see the beauty
These things I could never describe
These pleasures a wayward distraction
This is my wonderful prize
I believe isolation is his suicide note
not with thoughts, but silence or maybe the steady beat, and then he brings me back with his adamant but soft singing of "isolation!"
I had kind of seen how this song related to me a little bit but I hadn't really let myself get on a personal level with it. It is so similar to everything she said. Though Ian probably didn't mean for me to think any of this, it's so accurate..
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am
i take great delight in a band called Joy Division having a verse like that. hah.
In fear every day, every evening
He calls her aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Painstaking devotion and love
I think this could very much be about his epilepsy, but also a comment on his marriage and friends. He's quite frightened of having another seizure, and his family and friends dote on him to ensure that he's alright.
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else
Then, I think this is almost a veiled admission of insecurity. He feels like his friends and family love him because they want something--i.e. his manager and bandmates want him to be okay so that they could play, record, and make money. I think that aura sort of moment before seizures is what he's referring to in that blindness--he's unaware of what's going on around him, but feels that sort of "zen" feeling, but, of course, this will lead to a seizure and just give him problems, be it an injury from falling, or what have you. Also, the blindness could be a reference to love. He's focused on his mistress, and feels "perfect" when with her, but in reality, he feels extremely guilty.
Isolation, isolation, isolation
Obvious really--his feelings of isolation from friends and family for the seizures and the affair.
Mother I tried please believe me
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am
This verse is about his attempts to control his epilepsy through various means (curbing alcohol consumption, etc.) as well as his failed attempts to dissolve his affair. He feels awful for having committed adultery, and he feels guilty that he loves his mistress and can't feel the same for his wife.
Isolation, isolation, isolation
See Above
But if you could just see the beauty
These things I could never describe
These pleasures a wayward distraction
This is my wonderful prize
I think this is a reference to the sort of...almost romantic concept of being married and falling in love with someone else. It's a beauty that is, in some way, awful, hence it being something beyond description. Yet, when he's with his mistress, it's a pleasure, a "wayward distraction" from his internal agonies. It's his "prize". I think it's also interesting that it could possibly be misheard as "this is my wandering prize". For some reason, I think Ian was also interested in classic literature, and having this sort of romantic-tragic affair was almost like a fulfillment. In terms of seizures, the aura before one was his fulfillment.
Isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation
Finally, see above once again.
I was married once, and the desire to break up with my wife was a heavy agonizing burden. I thought I was letting everyone down in giving up, and I am huge on family. Could you imagine what it was like back then when it was more the norm to work through everything, and the expectations were so much greater?
After, I had to isolate myself from everyone to learn who I was...
It seems abuse related because of the things he's been put through...