Lyrics for I Want to Be Well as interpreted by strykerchick

I Want to Be Well Lyrics
To think that I would die this time
Isolated in the room where the bed rises
Photographic ordinary people are everywhere
Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace
Or in death you'll sleep with me

To figure that it was my fault
Or so I've come to realize life is not about
Love with someone (ordinary people are everywhere)
Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn
Illness is watching, waiting its turn

Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in (touching ordinary body)
The burning from within the burning from with (ordinary hysteria)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace (extraordinary hysteria)

So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes
Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
Wave goodbye, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather be fine

I want to be well, I want to be well
I want to be well, I want to be well

And I forgive you even
As you choke me that way
With the pill or demon
And the shrouded shalom
Under conversation
In tremendous weight of
A crowd of ages outside
Dressed for murder

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way?
With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides
But from within I see an unholy change

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around



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strykerchick
09-26-2010

 Rated  +1 
I'm gonna listen to this a million more times to try and work out the words I couldn't understand, but I'd appreciate any help!

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1 Reply  ·  General Comment
breaves
09-27-2010

 Rated  +7 
Epic, epic, epic. Anyone lamenting the death of the "old Sufjan", shame on you.

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3 Replies  ·  My Opinion
paramnida
09-28-2010

 Rated  +1 
Great job on transcribing the lyrics, strykerchick! There are some parts of that song that are really hard to understand. I have tried my best to transcribe the song as well, building upon the foundation you provided. Most of it is the same. I have italicized the differences from your version. I'm interested to see what you think.

To think that I would die this time
Isolated in the room where the bed rises
Photographic ordinary people are everywhere
Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault
Or so I've come to realize life is not about
Left for someone - (ordinary people are everywhere)
Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body)
The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary hysteria)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary hysteria)

So do yourself some good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes
Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
Wave goodbyes, oh, I would rather be dead I would rather be f***ed

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even
As you choke me that way
With the pill or demon and the traditional(?)
Under conversation
In tremendous weight of
A crowd of ages all side(s)
dress for mourner

I'm not f***ing around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not f***ing around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way?
With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides
But from within I see in
unholy changes

I'm not f***ing around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not f***ing around

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2 Replies  ·  My Interpretation
paramnida
09-28-2010

 Rated  +1 
or perhaps instead of "traditional," it says "shroud Ishmael." That would be an interesting lyric. It's really hard to hear that one.

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3 Replies  ·  My Interpretation
DrakelikesNachos
09-28-2010

 Rated  0 
I don't know why I had my doubts. Sufjan has done it again! Cant wait to see him November 4th...Hilbert Theatre...Indianapolis, Indiana! :D

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1 Reply  ·  General Comment
solitary walker
09-28-2010

 Rated  +2 
I love it - Sufjan's not fucking around this time! Half of the song is plaintive, begging for some sort of relief, the other half is determined, chaotic, ready to take on the world. Long live the new incarnation of Sufjan!

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General Comment
DrakelikesNachos
09-29-2010

 Rated  0 
Oh...And theres a little auto-tune in this song too! I think it makes it better. Brings somethin different to his music.

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General Comment
stevenj777
10-01-2010

 Rated  +1 
A crowd of ages outside.
Dressed for murder.

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1 Reply  ·  General Comment
Wheatgrass
10-01-2010

 Rated  +2 
Sounds to me like "I would rather be dead, I would rather give up", not "be fucked".

Great song by the way. My favorite off the album I think.

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2 Replies  ·  Lyric Correction
GoneToo
10-04-2010

 Rated  0 
I hear "unholy changes I'm not..." as "The only change is I'm not...".

Seems like it makes more sense that way.

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1 Reply  ·  Lyric Correction
NovemberSkybot
10-07-2010

 Rated  0 
Way interesting. I draw many interpretations.

Illness preying on the lonely could be about lustful thoughts. He's admits to a burning within. Just a thought.

Also, the repeating "I want to be, well I want to be" overlaps "fucking around," which he says he isn't doing, but possibly wants to be. Perhaps just feeling like he wants to be out with all these "apparitions" and the "crowd of all ages dressed for murder" causes him to pray for relief. He is struggling with the temptations presented to him "waiting it's turn."

He says that he forgives even though he is being choked with the pill or demon and the shrouded shalom. Though he must deal with the temptation provided by the ages (getting older "as my body changes") he doesn't give in. He doesn't go out and indulge in these vices.

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1 Reply  ·  General Comment
sushisouschef
10-11-2010

 Rated  0 
In a recent Italian interview, Sufjan mentioned that he had a bout with some sort of illness...and then the translator speaks over him in Italian! If any of you are fluent, you might glean more info about this song (if so, please post a translation).

http://www.rai.tv/dl/RaiTV/programmi/media/ContentItem-db612f7d-998b-4478-8fde-a57bf3aba5db.html?p=0

The lyrics might be referring to Royal Robertson's schizophrenia, and it might also be referring to Sufjan's mortality.



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General Comment
epilepticteen
10-13-2010

 Rated  -1 
"Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
Wave goodbye, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather give up"

Love that line.

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General Comment
Sweet_Amity
10-19-2010

 Rated  +1 
I love the song, but it is so weird to hear Sufjan just swearing like that, over and over again

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General Comment
ScythianEmpress
10-23-2010

 Rated  0 
I saw him last week in Royal Oak and he said this song was about terminal illness.
I think it's also safe to say it's related to the heath issues he was having: http://www.exclaim.ca/News/sufjan_stevens_discusses_his_serious_issues/

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General Comment
TheLightIsMine
10-25-2010

 Rated  +1 
I'm thinking Sufjan's illness is mental illness.

We know Sufjan hears voices (Seven Swans), has insomnia, fights depression, and has a mom who was schizophrenic.


Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

...

Endless lights prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
Weightless lights, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather be fine

...

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

...

Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides


And now he's obsessed with a schizophrenic artist who paints his visions?


Longer version on my site:

http://bit.ly/c5B9Wk





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General Comment
Cyberghost
11-04-2010

 Rated  0 
If you apply this to the Royal Robinson theme of this album and say that it is about him battling with his demons/illness/visions.....it also fits in...personally that's how I perceive it.

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General Comment
Cyberghost
11-04-2010

 Rated  0 
*Robertson.

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General Comment
Shyvan
11-05-2010

 Rated  +1 
the real lyrics:

To think that I would die this time
Isolated in the room where the bed rises
Photographic ordinary people are everywhere
Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault
Or so I've come to realize life is not about
Love with someone - (ordinary people are everywhere)
Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body)
The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary is scary now)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary is scary now)

So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes
Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
When it bites, oh, I would rather be dead, I would rather give up.

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even
As you choke me that way
With the pill or demon and the shrouding
Under conversation
In tremendous weight of
A crowd of ages outside
Dressed for murder

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way?
With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides
From what am I seeing, only changes

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

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General Comment
jurlacher
11-05-2010

 Rated  0 
Some doctor told him the illness was all in his head, and this was his reaction.

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General Comment
kperkins6
11-10-2010

 Rated  +3 
I really think, based on this song and many of his others, that he's not battling a mental illness, but I chronic physical illness. Really, and while there is nothing to support this other than a few vague lyrics and his recent pronouncement of having a bout of illness and that he didn't want to "go into the gory details", I believe he has some form of auto-immune disease, maybe IBD or Crohn's Disease.

I myself have Crohn's and I see so many things I identify with in this song - there is an element of shock and surprise in this... Shock at being sick like it took him off guard. People with terminal illness at the stage of staring at death are more resigned. People with IBD or auto-immune disorders are often taken off guard by a "flare" as they come on suddenly and without much warning. Also, when he says "Illness is watching, waiting its turn" it seems very common of how someone with a chronic (not terminal) illness feels. Like you are always and will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You'll never escape the possibility of being sick, never be cured.

He then says "To think that it was my fault" and then goes on to discuss the ordinary and extraordinary... I think this all the time (as you can tell, this is a very personal song for me!) having Crohn's, which is most likely based on some sort of environmental cause. I find myself thinking I've done something to bring this on. And then I get angry, because I've done nothing my husband or friends haven't done (ordinary things - eating improperly, taking prescribed medicines, smoking etc) yet it had very different and extraordinary consequences for me (autoimmune illness). I now cannot do a lot of ordinary things without causing myself extraordinary harm. “So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes” – this is basically my life’s motto now as I turn down foods I used to love or head to bed early because I know I’ll suffer if I don’t..

“Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely
When it bites, oh, I would rather be dead, I would rather give up.”

This lyric cinches the deal for me – these are not the thoughts of someone with a terminal or curable illness. They are from a person who, again, is always waiting to be struck down (IBD is exacerbated by stress, so maybe his loneliness and anxiety are causing a flare or similar). And to say he’d rather give up is a really common theme when you’re very ill with a chronic disease... you’ll most likely live (though we do stare death in the face more than most), but you’ll live to get well and then, most likely, get sick again. It’s an extremely difficult realization to know your entire life will probably be categorized into “well” and “sick” times. And there really is no escaping that very vicious realization.

He also speaks of “burning from within” which is definitely how I feel during a flare. Everything burns and I often describe it that way. This could be very literal interpretation of his physical feelings.

“With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry “

Here he could be referring to the treatment those with auto-immune disease need – steroids... the biggest blessing and curse in medical treatments. Steroids literally change the way you look. Completely. When I look back on images of myself from times on steroids, I’m unrecognizable. They can also cause paranoia, panic attacks, increased anxiety, weight gain and more. For me, one little pill (that does help tremendously) is a demon.

And the infamous “not fucking around” line (which, by the way, is I think why he may not be playing this song live on his newest tour... or it could be just too personal for him to perform)... Nothing drops you to your knees and makes you lose your cool like an illness like these. Whether it’s IBD or another hellish auto-immune disorder, he could have just snapped under the pressure of the disease. He’s not fucking around, he does want to be well, but that’s obviously way out of his control now. This section of the song cuts right to the bone for me... I understand the desperation, the anger, and the lack of control. I think he used f-word artfully here. We know it’s not his norm, so it has pretty significant meaning. He obviously feels pushed to the edge and cannot express how desperate he is to be better. When we devolve into our most primal emotions, we may not be at our most articulate. He uses that line on purpose. And it really works. And I think it’s completely appropriate despite his religious views.

And to comment on another theory – that he is mentally ill. I agree that the lyrics could parallel mental illness very well, but I can’t buy that he is actually schizophrenic, bipolar or similar, just because of his obvious control over his art, his lack of completely erratic behavior, his breadth of musical accomplishment, and his ability to stay on stage and in control for 2+ hours (amazing show in Richmond, VA last night, btw!). Even a very well medicated person with a severe psychiatric disorder couldn’t make these things happen. That’s not say he’s not battling depression, anxiety or mood issues, but again, these are all really common things for people with chronic illness. Especially for someone like Sufjan (or myself) who has this burning desire to accomplish and do so much, yet feels so held back by their disease.


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My Interpretation
orangesky38
11-23-2010

 Rated  0 
I've said this before... it's really difficult to concentrate on the monotony of my life while thinking about this album/concert. I just wanted to say (for now) that I agree w/ kperkins that this is probably more of a cathartic crying out about suffering from disease, chronic most likely, but also mental and terminal. I think one of the main underpinnings/themes of this album is the randomness and injustice and the tenuous control we exert over our health and our mortality. We know that he stated in an interview with Exclaim magazine that he suffered from a debilitating illness which from a medical standpoint sounded to me like Guillian Barre subsequent to most likely EBV (which causes mono) or CMV (which normally just causes the common cold unless the pt is immunosuppressed) , which = autoimmune demyelination of neurons. Only reason I bring that up is to further belabor the point that kperkins makes-- that this song is both an expression of anger and a degree of self loathing because it was, in fact, his own body that had turned on him. Parallels can easily be drawn between that and mental illness which I would argue that this song is concurrently discussing-- mental illness, particularly depression and schizophrenia, but also forms, is also sort of a physiological and psychological turning on oneself that the body does-- more specifically the mind, which is probably the single most devastating form of "turning" our bodies can do on us. I also don't think that the mental breakdown and the physical breakdown are completely unrelated--this song (particularly it's ending climax) and the 3rd movement of impossible soul seem to describe both lyrically and sonically this rock bottom place that he hit where all the narrator could think was "I want to be well" and urges the universe or God or whoever was listening that he is "not fucking around" and (from impossible soul) that he "couldn't be at rest"-- and this is not just described with the words of the lyrics but also the intensity and increasing cacophony of the sounds. This really resonates with me as a studying health professional-- kind of reminds me that the actual physical ailment is only a portion of the suffering patients go through-- there's a huge huge psychological component as well. Regardless of the validity of my interpretation, one thing is clear, this song is extremely powerful, as is the entirety of this album.

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General Comment
yeasterday
11-24-2010

 Rated  0 
Thanks for sharing, kperkins. I think this song completely hits the nail on the head, though I think I have a different interpretation of some of the lines from you. I'd go as far to say I've never felt more connected to a songwriter than Sufjan during this particular song. I don't think there has been a time I have listened to it and not been moved to tears (and itunes says I'm on 33 listens). It just takes me right back to my experiences with chemotherapy that ended earlier this year, and expresses everything I felt as this amazing, manic outburst.

When you get really ill for an extended period of time you begin to see this duality in everything. As kperkins says 'sick' and 'well' become the two equally valid states of being. 'illness', in times of health, is seen as this kind of faraway place that barely registers when you're told about it. But it's a different world: one in which those thousands of little imperceptible beauties in life are gone - as alien to you as illness was when you were well. Your world is then dominated by stats, prognoses, survival chances, raised risks of such-and-such. I remember during my treatment I found a youtube video of some researcher claiming my type of chemotherapy, while effective at removing the cancer itself, inevitably killed the patient a few years down the line anyway from a variety of illnesses. He said it so blase - it was terrifying. I spiralled down into anxiety and depression completely at that point.

"Ordinary people are everywhere"
So you try to make it better, somehow. You have to remember that yes, there is such a thing as a healthy, happy life. You stop believing in that. One thing about the suffering was that I began to project suffering on everything. A funny little expample is that the boredom of my cats looking at walls all day became to me the intense, anxious boredom chemo brain can induce. So you tell yourself "ordinary people are everywhere", extraordinary people even. Sufjan here tries to remember all the "Extraordinary histories" that he was so occupied with in his earlier works, the fascination he used to feel for them. But then, that other voice comes in (played so beautifully in the song as an actual, different voice cutting in) "Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn". You think, oh my god, all those people - they're deceived. This is going to happen to them too, and it's going to be as awful for them as it is for me.

So what's the only conclusion you can come to from that? Of course: "Do yourself a a death from ordinary causes". I began to have fantasies about the way you could die without much suffering - ways I'd like to go out myself. Some kind of car crash, a sniper bullet to the head perhaps. Dark places, I went to.

Then all that breaks down and it's just "I want to be well", the reasoning and frustration and mania becomes a simple plea. Again and again and again - it's all you can hang on to. People go on about "coping strategies", therapy, "maybe watching dvds will make him feel better". Everyone thinks something will work, because what else do you say? But NOTHING works. All you can think is, I want to be well - and believe that you will be again, one day. This is what it all boils down to - I want to be well. Please please please someone make me well again.

As for the rest of the lines I haven't talked about, yeah, I think the auto-immune disease idea kperkins talks about above is probably accurate. There is something vividly physiological about his description of his symptoms, or at least the treatment for his symptoms.

Btw, hope the rant above hasn't depressed anyone too much. It can be so awful, but I'm better and life is a brighter, more beautiful place for it. I'm in a place my ill self couldn't have imagined, which is the real comfort: as bad as it feels, you simply can't imagine how things might change for you (13:00 onwards of Impossible Soul comes to mind). This song takes me briefly back to that place, and it's wonderful to just have something that bears witness to what happened and reminds me of how amazing it is just to be well.

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General Comment
brianm37
11-30-2010

 Rated  0 
Being that I believe one the primary reasons music is so important to the human race is because of its ability to connect with the individual on a 1:1 level through interpretation, I'm going to liberally apply my own interpretation to one part of this song.

Sufjan repeating "I'm not fucking around" with "I want to be well," is a complete mindf*ck for me. After over 10 years of being completely spiritually lost, hearing "I want to be well" and coupling that with the frustration of "Not fucking around" really hits home. How do you escape a problem you are no longer able to comprehend or even begin to understand?

I think this is the same for almost any time in life where reality of loss sets in.

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General Comment
joegeorge
01-19-2011

 Rated  0 
This song makes me want to scream "I'm not fucking around!" at everyone. It's so passionately honest. I know many are upset that Sufjan abandoned his old sound, which I too loved, but this album is a work of genius. It's perfect. The best effort I've ever seen by anyone to break out of the bore of a postmodern world.

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General Comment




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