Panic! at the Disco – There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of It Yet

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  My Interpretation:For the time being, assume that the song is about a party, thrown by the narrator. At the beginning he asks that you "leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the doorman," but he's really only saying it to the girl referred to in the song. Later when he says, "Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and I bet you just can't keep up with these fashion-istas," it's like he's mocking her; he asked her to, in a sense, leave her fancy clothes at the door, but it is now revealed that everybody else is dressed up, and she's left in "black slacks with accentuating, off-white pinstripes". The narrator wanted this. It's how he'll embarrass her, "according to plan."
  
  After she enters the party, she sees what everybody else is wearing, and it frustrates her as she was asked to wear something a little more casual. The other people at the party begin to talk under their breath about her; "Tonight, tonight, you are, you are a whispering campaign." He emphasizes the 'whisper' in the next line: "I bet to them, your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh..." At the end of the line it's as if he's telling himself, and the others to keep it quiet. They obviously don't want her to hear, but that doesn't prevent her from embarrassment. Someone else pointed out that cheap rhymes with sheep, creating a metaphor that she is inclined to following trends, blending in, that sort of thing. It also sounds like he's about to say "shit", because she's not dressed up, so obviously she looks bad to the people that are. These thoughts are running through her head when she takes a "trip to the ladies room," trying to convince herself that she's still a "diva". This turns out to be "in vain" as she is forced to "choke back tears". So, she heads back out to the party. In an effort to ease her stress, and frustration, she pulls out a cigarette to smoke. However, as many others pointed out, it is laced with nitroglycerin, which is an explosive liquid. This means that when she lights it, it will blow up in her face. Obviously, the narrator paid a waiter, or waitress to do this for him, and this is where the title of the song is explained.
  
  I'm going to assume that this is a high-life party, and at these parties, people are assigned where to sit. Most restaurants number their tables. When the waiter, or waitress goes to place the laced cigarette box, they do so at a specific table based off of a number that the narrator gave. Additionally, this helps him remain inconspicuous; he doesn't have to point, mention the girl's name, or make a big scene. He simply says a number.
  
  Going back to the cigarettes, perhaps he is making an ironic metaphor, implying that many ideas she tried blew up in her face. Most likely these ideas are attempts to fit in, and they blow up in her face. There are probably several she tried, but the most recent was mentioned at the beginning of the song; "Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the doorman." She obeys the request because she wants to fit in; she wants to be accepted, assuming that all guests were required to do this, which is not the case. So, it blew up in her face.
  
  It's obvious that she smokes, and she's probably created a bad habit out of it. Perhaps she has cancer, whether, or not she's aware of it. When he calls himself "the new cancer," he's saying a couple of things. One is that he grows on people, like cancer. Similarly, people find him addicting, like cigarettes, which cause cancer. She too finds him addicting, because he's "never looked better," and he finally became "so confident". Finally, he is saying that he will kill her, like cancer does. "Kill" could be metaphorical, or it could not be. She despises the fact that she finds him addicting, most likely because she hated him in the past. She asks "under her breath" when he got so confident. The "reading lips" could be taken two ways from here. The first is that she is reading other's lips. She asks the question under her breath, so the answer will most likely be presented in a similar manner, forcing her to read someone's lips. The other is that he reads her lips when she says to herself, "When did he get all confident?" She says it under her breath so that he can't hear her, but he reads her lips, finding the answer. She's jealous of him for having the confidence that she wants, but obviously doesn't, as she tries too hard to fit in.
  
  It doesn't feel like a "night out" to her because usually men are "sizing her up," and flirting with her. When he says, "I've never been so surreptitious," he's saying that he's never been so devious; so secretive, about his plan, obviously. This means that he will wait until she is distracted to "spike the punch."
  
  I suspect that the reason he is doing all of this to this girl is because she is fake. He probably dated her before, but she broke up with him to fit in. So, he throws a party just to embarrass her, and reveal her for the scam she is. The song can be interpreted literally, or as a metaphor for the way he exposed her out to be a fraud.

  Flag bladoomon May 02, 2013   Link

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  My Interpretation:I think it's talking about a girl heading in a different direction than everyone else. It's not necessarily a girl he's dated. The Girl is going to this fancy dinner party, women are wearing ball gowns and men in black tux. She's rich, but but she's alone and she's an easy, target, young and innocent. She came because she wanted to fit in, and she's doing anything she can to fit in and these people know it. They think she's "cheap," a sellout, that she's the laugh of the party. It's not her that's superficial though, it's them, with their condescending attitudes, and the way they can't look past her exterior. She may be alone, but she has an interior that goes deeper than that.
  These people see a play toy to chew up and destroy, and she will let them thinking that she's fitting in. By the end of the night she will by broken, she'll know better. Her innocence will be gone, but she will be wiser.
  The singer in this case would stand in for the superficial outer world trying to break the girl, the inexperienced adolescent still tying to find her way.

  Flagged bloomoonon January 28, 2013   Link

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  General Comment:I think this song is about a girl who used to be rich and wealthy, but she's lost her money so even though she goes to these expensive parties, she doesn't quite fit in anymore. She looks cheaper than everyone else. I think the singer is her ex-boyfriend who is showing the other guests at the party that she doesn't fit in anymore. But I KNOW what the 'cancer' thing means, which is the whole reason I made an account, to say this, because it was a lit. word a couple weeks ago. Saying someone or something is 'cancerous' can mean that the thing or person grows on someone- but not in a good way. You basically can't get rid of it, and it just makes you weaker and weaker.

  Flag siraa4everon June 21, 2012   Link

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  General Comment:So someone who's usually flown beneath the radar is at a 'high society' party, where he's talking to a girl, probably one he used to hang out with until she ditched him to be more 'popular'. Since he's the toast of the party, so to speak, she gets jealous, and he's picking on her. I feel like the bitterness is more an additional bonus, rather than intended...
  
  btw love P!ATD....

  Flag Lizzybethianon June 01, 2012   Link

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  General Comment:I've always though the "I'm the new cancer" meant that he spread and got to as many people as possible (like fucking cancer does).
  The "Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman
  From that moment, you'll be out of place and under-dressed
  I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it
  Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and . . ." to me, means that people often feel like they are worth more than another because of expensive clothes and so then taking away half their outfit makes them feel "out of place", making them uncomfortable, specially the "mildly inspiring" being the ones who cannot survive without material things.
  "When you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes, whoa-oh
  Everything goes according to plan" he looks and feels so fucking sexy and his confidence is high.
  "I'm the new cancer
  Never looked better, you can't stand it
  Because you say so under your breath
  You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
  Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer
  Never looked better and you can't stand it"
  ok so as i had said, cancer spreads so that probably means everyone's attracted in one way or another to him. she also thinks he looks good but won't say it outloud, and she's like wtf when did this happen, and she can't stand it. This reminds me of the song skater boy by avril lavigne, she rejects him, then he's fine without her and even better.
  
  "Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain and
  I bet you just can't keep up with (keep up!) these fashionistas and
  Tonight, tonight, you are, you are a whispering campaign
  I bet to them, your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh . . .
  Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears
  And keep telling yourself that "I'm a diva"
  Oh and the smokes in that cigarette box
  On the table, they just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin"
  so if you're a girl you'll understand that whenever you feel uncomfortable in a place you go to the restrooms and therefore the "trip", but she fails to feel any less uncomfortable, she feels like everyone else is better, fashionwise i guess. and she's a nobody. She feels down she cries, then tries to make herself feel better
  and finally the smokes laced with nitroglycerin, it's like, if you light one up you'll blow up, because nitroglycerin is an explosive liquid.
  
  and finally
  "And I know, and I know
  It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up
  I've never been so surreptitious
  So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch"
  it's a bad night for her cause nobody even talks about her let alone try to flirt. and it is weird of him to be so suspicious and misterious so she'll be surprised with what i interpret as the grand finale

  Flag aliciagarfieldon March 14, 2012   Link

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  General Comment:I think this song represents someone who used to look down on him, now that he's on her level and rising, she realizes that her status really doesn't mean anything and going into a kind of depression. She also possibly used to be were he is now.

  Flagged atemu1234on January 30, 2012   Link

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  My Interpretation:The tables are numbered so he knows where the cigarettes with nitroglycerin, so that he can poison her. (He's the new Cancer), meaning that he is a fatal disease to her, he is going to kill her.

  Flagged LauraMarsAttackson December 28, 2011   Link

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    genious! i never though about interpreting the title!!!

    Flag aliciagarfieldon March 14, 2012  
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  General Comment:The tables are numbered so he knows where the cigarettes with nitroglycerin, so that he can poison her. (He's the new Cancer), meaning that he is a fatal disease to her, he is going to kill her.

  Flag LauraMarsAttackson December 28, 2011   Link

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  General Comment:Quite possibly he's saying that he's a showman and another hates him but the other people at a party love him so much you could say that they're addicted to him.

  Flag atemu1234on October 03, 2011   Link

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  General Comment:Well i personally think that the "new cancer" quote means that he is the 'big bad thing that won't go away' and directing it to whoever he is talking to.

  Flag BlueBubbles1227on September 14, 2011   Link

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    I agree.
    I also think that it could mean that even when you get rid of cancer, it will most likely creep back to you.
    And that could mean that just when you think he's gone BAM!
    there he is.
    :)

    Flag BriiRaeon September 23, 2011  

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