This is a hauntingly beautiful song about introspection, specifically about looking back at a relationship that started bad and ended so poorly, that the narrator wants to go back to the very beginning and tell himself to not even travel down that road. I believe that the relationship started poorly because of the lines:
"Take me back to the night we met:When the night was full of terrors: And your eyes were filled with tears: When you had not touched me yet"
So, the first night was not a great start, but the narrator pursued the relationship and eventually both overcame the rough start to fall in love with each other:
"I had all and then most of you"
Like many relationships that turn sour, it was not a quick decline, but a gradual one where the narrator and their partner fall out of love and gradually grow apart
"Some and now none of you"
Losing someone who was once everything in your world, who you could confide in, tell your secrets to, share all the most intimate parts of your life, to being strangers with that person is probably one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. So Painful, the narrator wants to go back in time and tell himself to not even pursue the relationship.
This was the perfect song for "13 Reasons Why"
His father was a drinker and his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's t-shirts when the swing set hit his head
The neighbors, they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things, rotting fast, in their sleep
Oh the dead
Twenty-seven people
Even more, they were boys, with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God
Ooh, are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a slight of his hand, running far, running fast to the dead
He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips, quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid
Folding John Wayne's t-shirts when the swing set hit his head
The neighbors, they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things, rotting fast, in their sleep
Oh the dead
Twenty-seven people
Even more, they were boys, with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God
Ooh, are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a slight of his hand, running far, running fast to the dead
He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips, quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid
Lyrics submitted by attractivecousin
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Lyrics as written by Sufjan Stevens
Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
Lyrics powered by LyricFind
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The most haunting and thought-provoking song I've ever heard. To not only empthize with America's most notorious serial killers but compare yourself directly to him is the most daring things I've ever seen/heard done lyrically, and it's completely changed my opinions on the nature of evil. And although there's no question that John Wayne Gacy's actions were horrendous and terrible, you have to feel sympathy for the man for becoming mentally instable enough to commit such vile acts. It's unfortunate that he couldn't overcome his demons and that 33 lives were lost because of this. But you have to wonder how Stevens could possibly vilify himself to that level of evil after hearing that chilling final verse.
Even though I believe Sufjan Steven's prominent religious themes are discussed too heavily when it comes to discussing the meanings of his songs, ultimately I think Stevens is asking here "what constitutes a sin?" If 'sinners' go to hell, and every human is inclined to hurt someone and commit sin at some point in their life, doesn't that mean we're all going to hell? Are we really forgiveable for the sins we commit? Is murder really 'the ultimate sin', or is Stevens as guilty as Gacy for having sinned against others for his own sake?
People always end up regreting and questioning the bad things they do, as if they didn't really mean it and it was beyond their control. But what control did Gacy have over his troubled childhood, his indifferent father, or even his urge to kill and molest those boys? Could John Wayne Gacy's murderous tendancies be credited to the sins of other human beings? And did he deserve to become the troubled man that he became? Stevens is trying to say that nobody has the right to classify him as a 'monster', because ultimately he was just as much a human being as anybody else, a human distorted by the inevitable evil of the human condition.
Any one of us could have turned out like Gacy. His murders just go to show that human species is truly capable of evil, because we don't have control over how we are raised. We have all done things that we never thought we were capable of, and although we may want to deny it, we are all in some way like John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
@Aaron342 Typical left-wing nonsense. Psychopathy is inborn, and if "bad childhood" were the real reason then there'd be millions of serial-killers. Sufjan is a complete fool if he actually believes that there is a psychopath lunatic in everyone.The inability to believe in evil (people) is a coward's choice, the lack of bravery in facing nature in all its brutality.
@gorgon1138 from where is this supposed to be left wing for you? It's just being deterministic
The moment when Sufjan first breaks into falsetto at "oh my god" is one of the most chillingly beautiful things I've ever heard
I couldn't agree with you more. It forces the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up.
Yeah, I sometimes repeat the song just to hear that.
i could not agree with you more. it gives me fucking chills.
I've definitely rewinded the song just to hear that again... wow.
Eerily pretty... Fits the song perfectly.
@Yoshiidino It honestly makes my heart hurt. The older I get the more I feel it everytime. No words can quite describe everything that makes this song just so special.
@Yoshiidino It is laughable.
I thought that it was pretty clear why he describes Gacy as being "just like him". The majority of the time when he refers to Gacy he talks about his childhood -and its normality. He gives a few little details which underline this. To all intents and purposes there is no reason that I, nor Sufjan can work out why Gacy turned out the way he did and Sufjan did not. That's what the song is mostly about. When he says "and in my best behaviour" it's like he's transporting himself back to his childhood (no adults seriously talk about themselves as being 'on their best behaviour') for the purposes of comparing himself directly with Gacy.
In this respect the song is partly about a loss of innocence and the mystery behind why similar people take different paths.
It always annoys me slightly when christians try to read too much into sufjan. It's like theyre claiming him and every song he's ever written for god. I love the purity of his spirituality (he references faults of and doubts about his god in his lyrics.) I doubt that god enters into everything stevens does -sure his religion is an influence but I think it would be a mistake to say that his beliefs influence his songs any more than say, the town where he grew up or his childhood.
your interpretation is good. being a psychology major myself I agree with you on the childhood issue. BUT I might be one of those annoying Christians you speak of. I don't claim Sufjan nor his lyrics. truth be told I only came across this song because Tim Keller (pastor of Redeemer Church in NY) quoted him in one of his sermons. <br /> <br /> Romans 7 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing."<br /> <br /> I know this is true because I see it played out in my own life everyday. We all have the capacity to do terrible evil things. Unfortunately that's just where our hearts are. take motives for example. I may think that my intentions are good but in my heart I'm really doing certain things for selfish gain. Sufjan (and yes he might be referring to the innocence of childhood, I'm not an expert) could be referring to the fact that we all have the capacity, like Gacy, to do terrible things. "look beneath the floor boards" refers to our hearts. check your hearts. there is evil in there that might not appear on the surface.<br />
I'm a Christian and to me Sufjan is something else. I agree, not every song of his has a religious meaning or needs one. And I know of the people you're talking about that "claim him", it's kind of embarrassing, haha. But I do think the last line is a reference to the way God views sins. All are equal. But I'm sure this can be said for humanity itself, what's to say stealing is worse than drinking under age? Sure we have laws... but everything is relative. I think it can go both ways. But Sufjan is wonderful, the sometimes Christian singer I like. Seriously, everything else Christian I've heard sucks.
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amen to that, brother.<br /> <br /> LOL.<br /> <br /> I didn't really think of Sufjan as religious until I went online and read some of these comments.<br /> <br /> That's probably just because I'm an atheist and Jesus isn't really ever on my mind.
This song fills me with such strange emotions. It is one of the most beautiful songs that I have ever heard and it is about a serial killer. Sufjan is a true artist.
Well, from a Christian perspective, when Sufjan sings "I am really just like him," it is harking back to the foundational belief that all men are sinful and none of them are worthy in God's eyes. So even though Sufjan probably hasn't ever murdered anyone or committed any act that heinous in human terms, the state of his soul (before coming to Christ) was no better than John Wayne Gacy's.
you dont know that he hasnt murdered anyone. dont be ignorant.
That is one of the many reasons why Christianity makes absolutely no sense. It is ridiculous to me that people actually believe that saying "god damn it" is just as bad as kidnapping, molesting, and murdering little innocent children. If that is really the way "God" thinks, then he is really a fucking asshole and I don't see why anyone would want to worship him.
I couldn't aggree with you more, dagsman.
stay calm dagsman, no reason for name calling. no one ever said the two things where just as 'bad' as eachother, they are merely signs of our imperfections, the same thing to a vastly different degree. if anyone one of us was hit in head with a swingset as a kid, its possible we could have been just as mental as john wayne gacy jr. thats the point, we are all hiding our imperfections and stuff like that. saying swear words in front of grandma and stealing candy from a child will never equate to murder and rape, thats stupid. however it is safe to say that you shouldn't do those things for the sake of other people feelings, in that sense they are also the same, they are wrong, something is wrong, something is under the floorboards. yknow?
well, i think a better way to explain it is that physically, the acts have a different value, and can hurt other people more or less, but it's different spiritually for the person committing them. it depends not so much on the act, but how much you know the act is wrong and how much you go against your nature to do it. in other words, if you're a person with bad upbringing, brain damage, etc; when you murder someone, it's like a Mother Theresa insulting someone. <br /> You see, the government judges us to protect others, so the more people you hurt, and the more you hurt them, the more of a crime you commit. <br /> However, God judges purely our soul. He's not an idiot, so if you had a terrible childhood, He'll hold you less accountable than someone who's been raised well. Be grateful, dagsman - I'm assuming you won't be held as accountable for calling Him a "fucking asshole" as I would be :)
total depravity doesn't mean that your are as bad as you can be it just means in every way you are sinful.
total depravity doesn't mean that your are as bad as you can be it just means in every way you are sinful.
Some people just can't appreciate things that are a little complex. The simplest answer to Dagsman is this:<br /> <br /> Whether we are murderers or small-time crooks, we are guilty before an omnipotent and infinitely holy God. <br /> <br /> I'm not a Christian (at all) but I will be the first one to declare that non-Christians are so often just plain arrogant. Christians have at least begun to understand humanity's nature and state in the universe.
Dagsman, it is in no way a matter of being "just as bad". It's a fundamental understanding for us Christians that sin is sin and no matter how much community service and good deeds that we do we are still unworthy of grace. However, we have been redeemed by Jesus Christ and we are all like John Wayne Gacy Jr. because we are all sinners, but if we really want forgiveness then God is compassionate enough to forgive us. And please, do control your tongue because calling God a "fucking asshole" is rather offensive and I can speak for others when I say that's just not necessary nor true.
wow. i think the "i am just like him" section is the best part of the song. the difficulty of the lyrics is not being too sympathetic to someone who did something so horrific yet not writing a preachy song comdemning a serial killer which would be exceedingly obvious and boring. sufjan offers the perfect level of compassion for someone whose horrific acts were clearly the result of being deeply mentally disturbed and by lowering himself (and everyone since everyone has some secrets and acts they aren't proud of hiding somewhere) as opposed to elevating gacy too much he doesn't overdo it.
I think that the last verse, which people seem to think means that Sufjan is a murderer, could relate to the lines "The neighbors they adored him. For his humor and his conversation." As a youngster Gacy was charming and people don't understand how such a nice boy could kill 33 people. Then the line at the end "and in my best behaviour I am really just like him," what's important are the words "best behaviour" - Sufjan isn't saying he's a bad person, he's saying that he, like all other men (and women) have the capacity to kill. He already has his secrets. Who's to say he doesn't have the ability to hide his own bodies?
Yes, that interview sounds pretty much like what I thought. That there doesn't seem to be a reason why some people commit murder and some don't. Which is why sufjan writes himself into the song. So yes, Beulahrawk, I do refute that the song is about religion.
"no one is good enough to save himself."
That may be your belief, but that's not mine. And it's certainly not what this song in question is about.
+1 trisweb. I definitely agree with your statement about spirituality. I get a more rounded holistic feel-good vibe from his songs than a loony Pat Robertson vibe.
"Whether you are familiar with Christian beliefs or not, realize that it isn't so easy to disprove a religion founded over 2,000 years ago with a simple statement of logic."
Uh, dude, watch me. :) This is not the place to get into an arguement about god. But, for the record, I'll say that I'm a spiritual person but I don't believe a word written in the bible. Having no proof of god really fails to stand up to logic in the real world.
The most important lyrics in this song to me are "are you one of them?" and "running far, running fast."
Basically saying that this man was just a hurt child, much like his victims, and each of us has more in common than we think with both the killer and the killed.
We are all of us damaged and timid, wearing painted masks, running from something, running from everything. It's about fear.
i think this song grapples with the fact that it all appeared "normal"- no one suspected anything and none of the boys expected something bad to happen to him...no one could have known, but then afterwards everyone thinks "are you one of them?"...it could've happened in any town, usa. and the victims (of the killer) could have been any one of us.