Faint

I know this song doesn't mean what the situation i describe does, but to me, this song struck the strings of a situation i've been in.

I am a social exhile, a loner, socially inept, awkward, forsaken, rather forgotten than included. It's always been like this. I grew up in a place that i didn't fit in. Not "oh, my life sucks, i'm so pathetic and the world is against me, i'm just going to crawl into a corner and abbandon all hope," more like i recieved death threats for not siding with anyone. I never fit that mold, so i never had anyone to identify with, i was all alone, on one side of the world, watching from the outside. I never had any friends growing up, no relationships, no life to live, i was just getting by, trying not to end up a footnote in the paper. I was able to get out. I went to college, something very few did, and one of the few ways to get out, something only the smart ones could do.

Getting out of there was like serving 60 years in jail. You come out, and the world has changed, nothing is familiar, you don't know how to act, and i didn't know how to react to people. I live far away from where i grew up now, and have been here for 2 years. The entire first year, (and still now, but not as much) i spent learning how people really were, and what the world was really like. The down side was learning things that i knew to be normal, that were no longer normal, things i thought were everyday events, people 'wow' and shriek in disbelief at. I found out how awful the place i came from was. I knew i wanted to get out, that i didn't belong, but when i was out, i learned how terrible of a place it really was.

I had to learn how to socialize. Things most people find easy, or maybe just uncomfortable, like talking to someone you don't know, i didn't just have to overcome fears of, i had to learn. I had to learn how to act like not every one dislikes you, or was out to get you. I had to learn how to act around people, and i'm still learning. As a result, i'm super awkward to be around.

But then, after all this, just this year, i made my first friend. Someone i could talk to, confide in, care about, and be cared for in return. She became my bestfriend, by definition, not just because she was my only friend. I began to know how she reacts, talks, feels about things, and eventually, how she thinks. But as fate would have it, and like you could guess when a guy and girl become friends, someone begins to REALLY care for the other. An emotional connection was created, and i became dependant on her. I could tell her anything, and more importantly, she could rely on me for anything. I needed her to need me. I needed her to use me for things, to make myself useful, and to make her happy, even if it was only for a second. She became my only outlet for feeling. I had been numbed by the society i lived in, and needed her presence to allow me to feel emotion. Without her, i was numb again, the problem was, i wasn't ultra high on her list of friends. I was jut a friend that she could rely on and use when she needed, but she had many other friends. The fact that she hung around me at all when she clearly wasn't forced to, when she didn't feel like she needed to, but because she wanted to, made me feel wonderful. Nobody had ever wanted to be around me before. But then summer came, and so she didn't live down the hall in the dorms anymore, and she didn't come in my room and jump on my roommates bed anymore, and we didn't watch movies together anymore, and she didn't cry on my shoulder when she needed me anymore. She had other friends for that, other outlets, people closer to her, both emotionally, and physically. I had just been a friend of oppritunity, proximity.

So now we get to the song. These are the lines that hit me hardest out of the song:

"I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact That everyone can see these scars I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel"

I'm lonely again, there's not much for me, i've been disregared, left behind. I have my issues with adjusting to things, but it's because i don't know where to go or what to do, i'm learning on the go. I've got scars, and everyone can see them, i'm awkward to be around, and nobody can see far enough past these scars to understand me, get to know me, or help me. She was the only one that has ever done that, and now she's gone. I want her to want me, like i need her. I want her to feel what i feel and understand why i feel it.

"So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got"

I watched her leave, and i let her go because that's what she wanted, she's turned away from me. I feel like she is pretending i don't exist, even though i know that's not the case, because this is my general experience with everyone else. While she's gone, i'll wait here, right where she left me, because i don't know where else to go, i dont' know what my purpose is otherwise. I can't feel anything without her here, and she's all i have, literally. I don't have anyone or anything else.

"I can't feel the way I did before"

This one has three meanings for me. 1) I can't go back to where i was, not now that i've seen where i've come from, 2) I'm numb without her, there is no happiness, or saddness, or anger and 3) I can't feel useful anymore because she's the only thing that's made me useful ever.

"Time won't heal this damage anymore"

My damages can't be healed more, by time, waiting won't help me, but i have no place to go.

I literally have nothing else in my life except her, but she's not here. I wish i could just move forward on a path, but she was the path, there is no road to follow anymore, and going back isn't an option. Staying where i am is my only choice.

I don't think anyone has ever gone through what i've gone through, and i know nobody has felt what i feel now, i don't think anyone really knows what it's like to have just 1 thing in life. One single possesion, feeling, and all inclusive outlet, and lose it. There just isn't chartered territory to say what to do now except wait for something to happen.

I know this song wasn't written to mean what it does to me, but for me, i can make this song realate. If i could write this whole portion of my life down, this song would be its theme for me.