| Death Cab for Cutie – Cath... Lyrics | 15 years ago |
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i heard this song for the first time today on my fabulous local college radio station - and i stopped dead in my tracks. for me, these were the words i had been searching for since i left my husband three months ago. (ironically, i'm a writer. but i can't write myself what i need.) to me - standing there with a "well-intentioned man" trying to hold it together for photographers, made me think of my own wedding day, when i smiled and faced a church full of strangers trying desperately not to let my face betray me. my husband had savaged me earlier that day, and we almost didn't make it out of the house. he played the well-intentioned part beautifully (oh, if i just loved him enough, taught him how to be good to someone he loved, undid the terrible things of his past, etc..), with a hand on my back or my arm or an eye on me at all times. not out of concern, but control. these days, i don't believe any abuser is ever well-intentioned. "soon everybody will ask what became of you" like a textbook abuser, he cut me off from friends and family through intimidation, threats and other means of control. my heart _was_ dying fast. i was living inside a shrinking box. i wilted daily. "you live in someone else's dream.. in a hand me down wedding dress.." the dream i held onto, of this "well-intentioned" man whom i loved, of what a strong, dedicated partner should put up with, of what love could fix... though i mourn the loss of these dreams now, i realize that they were never ours, we would never be those people i saw in the future. these were pages torn out of some book i borrowed. not mine. but as he says, "you said your vows and you closed the door..", and that's how i felt. i committed. now i had to live with it. though i was never given the respect or the companionship or the love i deserved - that everyone deserves from a partner - i stayed. i stayed through unspeakable things. i was so stubborn sometimes and other times, so defeated. i really thought that i could love someone enough to save them. brooding, bad men, are really tender underneath, and love always wins - right? (i think Jane Austen has been a bad influence on me.) "and if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you.." this comforts me a lot about judgment. i've seen the after school specials and Lifetime movies. i used to yell at the woman in the movie for not leaving if the guy hit her. but just as i can't possibly understand why anorexics keep seeing themselves as fat when they are dying, the people who judge abused women (myself included) can't possibly understand how insidious and skilled the abuser is. and the abused live in secrecy and in fear, broken, with "our hearts dying fast". escape takes more strength than we are usually left with. so, this song means a lot to me. i've been working on a "it's over and i'm over you" master ipod mix to have at the ready during periods of regret, sadness, blame and anger. it definitely belongs there, even if my take on it is completely wrong. songs that understand women, written by men, restore my faith in Team Testosterone. so, thanks DCFC, once again. |
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