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by prettyxletdown on May 12, 2012 Sometimes, I really have to take a few minutes to remind myself how far I've come. Last year this time, I was a mess. Or as much of a mess as I was capable of. I have to be grateful everyday for the opportunities I received this past year and the help I was able to receive. When things take effect in a gradual process, it's hard to recall just how low you used to be. But every now and then, I have comparisons and things to remind me. And then I just think how lucky I am. I am lucky I was brave enough to ask for help. I was lucky my mom was supportive and nonjudgemental. I was lucky my therapist helped me to at least begin to think about my self worth. I'm lucky my medication allows me to build more normal relationships. I just cannot afford to forget this. I can't and I refuse. I'm a work in progress. We all are. Until the day we die. But change and improvement are things we cannot let fall to the wayside. I want to think about it everyday, and prove to myself that I am strong and I won't quit. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on April 23, 2012 why do it now when you can do it tomorrow....morning......at 6 am.......? i'm too tired for this. plus i just hate anything english related. it's too intimidating. especially at 11:24 at night. i like sleep a lot more. sweet dreams No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on April 19, 2012 things i do when i'm sad or upset 1. work out 2. become light headed and dizzy 3. drink coffee (this is not a big indicator however) 4. tweet A LOT 5. pin(terest) A LOT 6. call my mother 7. call my grandma 8. nutella (enough said) 9. plaster a serious, no nonsense look on my face (more severe than usual) 10. avoid (seriously avoid) homework that's all i can think of. on a lighter note, i'm seeing daniel tosh this weekend with my beloved brother. miss that kid. and i only have exactly a month left until i move out. three cheers for my own, huge bedroom, complete with the bed on the floor. i really liked the rain today. it was a nice change of pace. plus who doesn't like a little (or a big) rainfall? i surely don't mind it. in fact, i welcome it with open arms. i need a new piercing. and i know that i want to get two on my ears, but i kind of want a bigger piercing somewhere else...i just can't decide where. it's a big decision, i know. but i like them, and i want one. so that's all i know about that, i suppose. happy studies No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on April 10, 2012 what a nice day for a drive. and a coffee. maybe a diet coke. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on March 29, 2012 it's amazing what consistency can do for a person. it's my own fault really. i'm an adult, i need to be responsible. but i'm in a good place for now. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on March 21, 2012 I want my old life. I miss home. No one cares here; I don't care here. And why does no one see me crying out? I'm in pain and I have an eating disorder...I think. But why does my mom not hear me when I tell her this? What a pitiful sight. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on March 02, 2012 I feel as though I should never eat again. Why do most things only make me want to hurt and degrade myself? As long as I live I will never ever have a healthy relationship with it. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on February 01, 2012 I understand now. I finally understand why we have funerals. I thought they were morbid, unnecessary and cruel. But I was so wrong. I found myself looking at my Grandpa's picture today thinking I should visit him soon; I wonder what he's up to. Oh, but wait... He's dead. I didn't go to his funeral. Don't judge me because you certainly do not know the circumstances around it. I was nearing my second midterms of my first semester of high school, my body was building up tolerance to my medication, I was in, what I thought was, love with a boy who wanted nothing to do with me, and on top of that I felt awfully, miserably, terribly, utterly alone. He died not very suddenly; I was fortunate enough to see him a few days before he passed. But the day he died, my mom called to tell me they were doing a small private wake the next day followed by a family dinner. I told her I couldn't make the wake because I had class in the morning and I wouldn't make it. But I know that wasn't true; I could have made it if I really had wanted to. The thing is, I didn't want to see him like that because that would've made me vulnerable and I cannot, cannot, cannot let my family see me like that when at all possible. My mother told me it was going to be very informal so I accepted my decision and made it to the family dinner. But as I sit here today, I am kind of realizing that I haven't fully accepted his death. I still don't believe on some level that he is gone. Because I didn't attend the funeral. I didn't get that closure that funerals give you, and that is exactly the point of a funeral. Not to make you sad, guilty, miserable, depressed, angry, embarrassed. None of those. It is simply so you can accept an all too common fact of life: people die and we need to accept this and move on. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on January 31, 2012 all too often we forget about ourselves. i take that back....for most of us, we don't take enough time to think about ourselves. and when i say think, i mean really think about ourselves; what we need, where we're going, who we are, what makes us happy. i know i forget to. and i'm unhappy about it. i don't laugh nearly as much as i should. i forget to take things and life in general with a grain of salt. because at the end of the day, what are we really working towards? to get perfect grades? those hardly matter. to seem normal and flawless to others? no one is "normal"; we're all just various shades of weird. to be everyone's everything? for way too long i have been trying to achieve this: i want to be everyone's perfect everything. but what about me???? what about me.... who's trying to be my everything? and why should they have to be my everything? why does anyone feel entitled to that? i guess i just think it's time that i start taking care of myself. really taking care of myself. i think i at least deserve that. i want to be happy, not just fine. so if anyone is to take anything away from this, i hope it's that you should be your own best friend, your own advocate, and care for yourself, nurture yourself, and love yourself. No Comments

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by prettyxletdown on January 13, 2012 united states of tara, i find out after watching approximately 36 episodes, is cancelled! so many unanswered questions. i feel fucking abandoned. i get so emotionally attached to these plot lines and characters, it's my own fault really. but i'm actually upset and a tad depressed! i really wanted to know how her life turned out...or if bryce ends up killing her....or if her daughter gets married.... i am so very distraught. i feel like the last page of my book was ripped out. screw you showtime. in other news, the united states of tara is on netflix...please watch it, phenomenal. but, a word of caution: don't fall in love. ain't that always the truth? No Comments