I'm worried. It just hit me, if in making this claim about unreasonable to live at home, and centrelink contacts my family, there is the potential to cause a massive fight, as in, I might become estranged from them and now I'm so scared, what if I can't see my brother's anymore? What if my grandparents finally have to deal with the fact I'm gay and they desert me? I can't stand the thought of the fights that used to happen occuring again. I'm so stressed about this, and I haven't been since I've moved out, and it was fine this morning on the phone to the social worker this morning, so why is it so bad now? I can't sleep and my brain is whirring all of the worst case scenarios around in my head, and Jess is asleep and it fucking feels like that same old feeling from working nights. It's in the cold air. It reminds me of being awake at five am, unbearably sad, smoking outside on the porch and trying to seek some sort of solace in the internet. It's shit.1 Comment
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donotresuscitate on April 19, 2013
donotresuscitate on December 10, 2012
this decision is all i can think about, i don't want to post about it anywhere else, just incase it doesn't happen, but fuck, i'm so excited. yesterday jess wanders into the kitchen, and shows me this gorgeous cottage in Katoomba, for a similar price to what we're paying now, and that was the catylst, we sat in the sun, talking, planning, until it became clear it was more than possible, and the decision got made, we're moving. to Katoomba, after 1st semester of uni, and the lease runs out next year. there's so much to do, we're just going to take what can fit in the back of the troopie, and really the plan is to start anew. so, we're going to have, a backpack each, the bare minimal kitchen stuff and the cats. i'm going to enrol in open universities, get on centrelink until i can find a job (somehow save up $2000 if possible) and live in an awesome town in the blue mountains. i'm so fucking excited.No Comments
donotresuscitate on October 20, 2012
It all came out, in a rush yesterday and I had to choose.
I chose, I chose my head over my heart. This is horrible. I don't know how it's going to work, to live with J when she's 'greiving' over what we had, knowing what we had together. To live with S not trusting me at all.
See, the problem is, I love both of them, I love them fucking entirely and they are huge parts of my life. But, even though it's an open relationship S hates J and she refuses to be with me if I'm still sleeping with J. I guess maybe, I didn't exactly disclose the full extent of my feelings about J.
I wanted it all. I wanted them both, but I can't have it, and I've accepted that. However, now I don't want anyone. I don't have the energy to live with someone who's trying to forget they're in love with me, I need to maintain the energy to fight against my love for her. I have to fight for S, she's hurt, so fucking hurt, and so fucking vulnerable, and she wants me to fight to show her my love, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I have the energy to do that. I guess I just want to run becuase it's hard right now, right?
I can't write poetry about S, but words about J just fall from my mind constantly. I'm not sure I've made the right decision. This is fucked.No Comments
donotresuscitate on October 18, 2012
It's been so long, but I really don't have anywhere else to be impartial and just write and write and write.
So, I've found myself in this situation, and it's horrible, you know when you sleep with someone and it's supposed to just be a one night stand? Then you realise that you love them, that those feelings from a year ago came back. And that's fine, until it's unmanageable. And the issue is that she's the one woman who your partner hates, and who if you have a relationship with she's going to leave. And now you're stuck between electric and candlelight. They're these two women, who you cannot live without, who you live the same amount, but who have entirely different effects on you.
I want both, but I know I can't have it all. I need to tell S, but then I lose her, I lose my future, my stability. If I tell J I can't do it anymore, I don't know. We tried, we tried, and that lead to the longest, most intense kiss of my life, slammed against the hallway floor.
I fucking hate this, that I can't choose, but it's not that, I know what I need to choose, S is good for me, S is lovely.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm fucked. I love the romance, I love the cuteness, and the intensity with J.
This is going nowhere.No Comments
donotresuscitate on June 20, 2012 You added me again? I'm not going to accept. Don't you understand? I do not want to talk to you. I cannot deal with being in contact with you. I get fucking scared walking around town in case I see you. You are not a person who currently makes me feel good about myself or my life. I am sorry. I am not going to accept your request. I am not even going to send you this in an ask. I cannot be in contact. You have other friends, I am not going to second guess myself. I think it's about fucking time I try and look after myself. You are a massive part of the reason I feel like shit. I need to focus on trying to straighten out other reasons and my irrational anxieties. Let me do this, okay? Please? You will be okay. You will be okay. You can look after yourself. You are strong. No Comments
donotresuscitate on April 16, 2012 Sitting here, waiting for Tay to get to town, being sad and procrastinating and just blah because I do still feel things, I don't know what for you and I want to see you but I don't want to contact you and oh fuck I wish we'd never ended. I miss you. No Comments
donotresuscitate on April 04, 2012 what the fuck am i doing? flirting with a 17 year old.. boy... who lives in america who i am in no way attracted to? is sleep deprivation a new form of self destrcution fuckitty fuck fuck fuck i am just wasting so much time. so much fucking time. GAHHHHH. No Comments
donotresuscitate on February 08, 2012 (cuts on monday when I broke my streak because i was tired and sad and felt so fucking guilty about those cunts being dickwads on friday) you'll stay over tommorrow, and i guess you'll see them, so fuck it. I NEED TO STOP CHECKING YOUR BLOG. i don't know what the post said, of course, i don't speak german, but knowing that you like her ARGH WHY THE FUCK WHY?!?! I LIKE EMMA/ I DON'T LIKE YOU fuck this habit stuff fuck whatever it is if this is me being polyamorous (is that the word, i forget?) then fuck it. oh. i quit smoking, the last smoke i had was monday. No Comments
donotresuscitate on December 13, 2011 you messaged me back. that's something that i definately did not expect to happen. i was surprised, that i didn't really care. i think there's times, like, at 4 am, when i'm exhausted and i feel so lonely, that i miss you, or maybe it's more that i miss us. of being part of an us. but this morning, it was okay to message you. i truly wish you all the best for america, for it to go well with this girl in georgia, if that's what you want. it seems like it's where you should be, who you should be with. maybe one day we'll be friends again, but i'm okay, for now, to be how we are. and, i would kill for a beach holiday, just quietly. today is going to be such a non day. dishes, stirfry for breakfastlunchdinner and then work. ain't this the life? No Comments
donotresuscitate on December 13, 2011 i was going to stop drinking for two weeks, then reward myself with a piercing. i made it four days, until jess got home, bringing jan and maggie and drunkenness into the house. then i got persuaded to go into town, and a zen shot was placed in front of me. 1 shot, 1 cider. that's not too excessive right. i'm wrecked though, 48 hours, no, almost 3 days on about 3 hours sleep. i can't do this.but my body won't let me rest. and i'm scared, i'm scared that jess will do something, i'm scared and i can't do anything to help her, she's beyond help right now. she needs time, and distraction but she doesn't feel like she can last through it. and oh god, i do not want to be cleaning up another suicide attempt, i do not want to come home to a body, or news that something's happened. and the selfish part of that, for me, is knowing that i'd have to move back home. i couldn't handle that. and i've put both hands on. before, i fell asleep for a really short time listening to untouchable face. i miss you, i shouldn't and i should give you space. but i need to know what that tumblr post meant, i need to know if you meant to quote ampersand when you wrote the dream story. and i'm trying to stop myself from reading it. i am just so sad. i fucked it, forever. i was so close to having you back, and then i fucked it. and it's horrible, because the more i realise i like emma, the more i realise that i miss you more, and that there is still something. maybe i'm still going through the stages of grief? but i miss you. i miss everything, i'm getting detached again. and i'm so goddamn lonely, but i refuse to have another one night stand, and i don't ever fall for anyone. the only people since we broke up, have all been people that I really can't have. my body hurts from this sadness. No Comments