Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates.

Sadly braeden is stull upset about not getting to meet Justin Beiber. God he is hilarious(Braden.Not Justin Beiber)..Hmm.Whats happening soon or now or what has happened. Um, well not much has happened lately.Im turning 20 in 4 days.My brother is taking me out to lunch and a movie.The cute thing about it?Hes only 4.I come from a large family.My mother, my father, Ethan hes 4, my younger sister Hailey shes 15,Andy hes 1, Emily shes 12, Hannah is 6, Ben is 8, James is 13, and then there is me. 10 people in a family.Its quite nice when you are sick.You always have someone there to hold your hand and comfort you in the hospital. Enough about ym family.I havent talked much about music. Music is awesome.Music is life.Thats all there is to it

The power is yours
The song is your own
To open the doors
To bring light to unknown

The music so intense
The speakers might bleed
The sounds jump the fence
Ride away on the steed

The lyrics are your life
If you let them be
They can take away the strife
Of the rest, of you and me

You can live through the lyrics
Live on forever
Just let one person hear it
And you’ve opened the endeavor

The title says it all.I had the best day ever today. Today during French we were all asking how everyone was and then Braeden said the best answer ever. Heres how it went(Just imagine it in French though)


Me:So Braeden how are you?
Braeden:Im not so good
Me:Oh why?
Braeden:I didnt get to go to the Justin Beiber meet and greet





OH MY LORD BRAEDEN YU JUST ABOUT MADE MY LIFE THERE!God hes sucha funny guy. You should have heard how much everyone was laughing.Ah well.Thats my freinds for you. Other than that my life which goes from healt to school to personal has been alright lately.

Life is just a little too crazy at the moment.Everything is happening. And recently someone that will remain unknown to you(Unless you mail me) has just asked me a very important question. But Im really young and Im not sure What my answer is yet. God I sounded like a complete idiot. Everything is just crazy. I say that I want my life to start, but at the same time I am sort of afraid.Afraid to go out into the real world.

Sometimes, I don't want to write a song, I just want to listen to one... But I can feel that the song I want to hear hasn't been written yet.

Every day could be your last.Live life like there's no tomorrow

My life is painfully addicting.I love myself and I love my life almost too much.ITs so awesome that its almost painful.God I just love my life.I know I've said that alreayd but its very true. Even though I had to suffer through cancer and during parts of it I wished I were dead, Im glad that Im living right now.I just want to start my life. I just want to get out into the world and live, laugh and love

My final round of chemo has finished. And Im in the clear.Im totally fine.I still will have to go for chemo once every 3 months or so.Other than that, im getting closer to perfect.And my doctor told me something.HE figured that Im getting older and I should know the truth. The chemicals in chemo can be powerful enough to destory your reproductive system which sounds kind of gross.But with me, there is still a possibility that I might be able to have children of my own one day.Im just so happy. My dad is trying to get me to apply to a college.Im thinking of going to the U of A (University of Alberta)or NAIT(The Northern Alberta Institue Of Technology).I will be taking a course in Nursing.Im becoming a nurse.God Im so excited for my life to start.Wish me luck people!

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
  If this be error and upon me proved,
  I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

We had history together Alana. And now you choose to leave me this way?How could you do this to me?To your family? Why did you have to go and die too?I love you soooo much and I will never forget your awesomeness.You were my very best friends and I love you. Im sad to see you go this way.Killed in a car crash. I'll miss you. For 19 years my life was like a joy ride because of you
ILY Alana!



God my journal is turning into a funeral home.My and Alana have been friends since our baby days.Our moms were in labour at the exact same time. Me and Alana were born 1 minutes apart.I was delivered naturally and Alana was born via emergency cea section. We've always been best friends.Nothing could seperate us.Except for her dying.The one thing that always helps me to get over peoples deaths is well a few things actually.Music quotes and knowing that Goodbye doesnt always mean forever.I will see her again one day. Here is my last quote to her.



There goes our story
The writers a sinner
The end came too soon
Shes got nothing left in her



I love you Alana

Rest in Peace Carynn.You were the best of the best and I and all of your students will always love you and we will never forget you

Early this morning Carynn Olynn Kettridge died of cancer with her family by her side.She was an amazing teacher and everyone loved her.I will always miss her and I will never forget her, and apprently she will never forget me.If you read this, please put her in your prayers.Before The tears start coming, I am going to write something that she put in a note to me once she knew she was dying.


Dear Jennifer,
I know I am dying.I would not be writing this if I wasn't certain.I want you to check on my old students from time to time.Tell them storys about me before I was diagnosed with cancer.Tell them how much I missed them, and how much I care for them.But most of all, I want you to live.I want you to have the strength to live.Please don't end up like me.I want you to live for me.I couldnt continue living, so now you must.Don't let me down.I'll watch over you when I go home to God.And I'll beg him to let you live a long and happy life with your Andrew.My sleeping pill is taking affect now, so I will go.

I will always miss you and love you,
Carynn



Once her sleeping pill took affect, she peacefully srifted off into a coma, and 2 days later(Today) she went home home to the lord.

Im goign unnoticed.The strange thing?I feel kind of happy about it.I am at least a year and a half older than most of the seniors.I am going unnoticed.Im glad but at the same time I wish someone noticed me.You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, thats the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly.You were created to lvoe and be loved.You were meant to live life in relationship with otehrs, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story.You need to know that your life matters

Right now all I am going to say is Pick Up The Phone and call.Call anyone.I am a big supporter in an organization known as To Write Love On Her Arms.One of their recent saying things or whatever was Pick Up The Phone.TWLOHA is there to support anyone dealing with Self Injury, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, eating disorders and other stuff.So all I am saying is to Pick up the phone.Im nto saying yo suffer from any of these things, but I am tellin you to pick up the phone.You might have another chance at living life if you do

I light my own fires now.I am in control of my life.The only problem?I dont know how to tell my parents.Growing up every thing that happened to me, all of the medical prcedures.I didnt get a say in what happened to me.No one asked me what I felt.My cancer was back 1 month after I turned 18.MY parents argued with the doctors because they thought I would make the wrong decision.No one ever asked me.My parents never sked me what I want.I am in control of my body.I Light MY Own Fires Now

Im about to pass out, but I will write as much as I can.I learned a few things today.One thing I learned, is that too often we wait to long to realize what we have until its gone adn we wait too long to say we're sorry we were wrong.I also learned how Unattractive Damon Salvatore from the vsmpire diaries can look when hes burning in the sunlight.lol.Im one of those people that is absolutely in love with the salatore brothers.I've missed out on so many things in life, so now I'm trying to make up for it.Anyways I feel like im about to fall asleep so, Goodnight.Goodmorning.Goodevening.Whichever it is

My sister told me that as she was growing up, when I was sick, seh would ask herself that question every single day.She told me that she asked God if she could keep her sister alive.IF she were her sisters keeper.Hearing her saying those words before she goes to bed each night, makes me smile

I really dont want to go to my appointment tomorrow.More Radiation. I've never liked hospitals which isnt good considring I was forced to spend 2 years in one

So far school had been great.Did I ever mention that during my first Remission that I had a boyfriend?His name is Andrew.God I love him. Expecially how he sticks with me throughout everything.I was suprised when he actually wanted to hold my hand and be with me during the radiation treatments.God Andy, I know you read this journal every day, so all I want to say is how much I love you.You mean the world to me.

Im back from the party.OVerall I had a pretty good time, except for Andy throwing a billion cupcakes in my face

Sorry I havent written here in well over a month.I've just been so busy getting used to the new school year. A senior.ITs my senior year.And Im going to makenthe most of it.I've always been the oldest one in my class because of my being sick back when I was 9.I missed 2 damn years of school before I got to remission.That was one of the happiest days of my life.Being free from cancer, has been my lifelong dream.Too bad theres no cure for it.The only thing I did while i was in the hospital was the chemo, and listen to music.It kept me going.IF it weren't for music I swear to god I wouldnt be here right now.2 whole years in a hospital.The day I went home I convinced my parents to let me walk home.After not being outside for 2 years, it was a very nice change.The cancer made me realize how lucky I am.I may have had cancer and yeah it sucked.But once I was free of it, I realized how lucky I am to be alive.And then music came into my life again.Everything was better.But my medical problems ae far from over.ITs as if god wants to punish me for something even more.You ask why?Its because 5 years ago I was considered cured.and then I came out of remission and was sick again.But it wasnt skin cancer(Before it had spread to my inner body organs) now it was skin cancer that had spread to my brain. ITs basically gone now but I dont know if it will come back.Im praying that it wont.Music is the only thing that takes my mind off of it.Thank god for that.Anyways, I have to go to my little brothers birthday party now.Hes turning 1.Cute little kid.

This is the story of when I fell in love with music.Did I mention that its my everything?

For years as I was growing up, I would listen to music.I loved it.As I gre older, and more mature I sort of grew away from music and all of its values.But then on December 25th Christmas morning I opened this one present.It was from my baby sister.She wasnt all that much of a baby.She was 13.She ahd heard of this new cd.It was by Secondhand Serenade.She got my both cds.I listened to one song, Half Alive, And I knew in my heart and soul that I had to return to music.Because music is and will always be my entire life.

My first rant on music......I really hate how music was so nice.Nowadays people are write one line to a song and then say"Well this soubds good.I'll repeat it 20 times later in the same song".It just gets really annoying.For example" Lets have some fun this beat is sick.I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" you hear that same exact line 50 billion times in Lovegame.IT jsut gets so freakin annoying.I wish music could go abck to the way it used to be.Pleasant.Relazing.Not stupid and repetitive