I am fucking miserable. My friends fucking suck. My boyfriend hates me. My life just fucking sucks. I like to be involved in stuff but usually I don't even get asked. I don't do anything wrong. I love how greg is the only person who asks me if I want to do something this weekend. My " best friends" didn't even bother asking. Either it was " she has to work" or " there is no room for her anyways." I fucking love it. I don't even know what to do. I am just sittin here crying. I can't even talk to alex because I am so upset. But no matter how upset I am going to get, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Everyone has their own new beat friends.... What do they need from me now? Well thanks greg. For being the only one who gives a damn.

I met up with him, for the first time in 9 years. Today was a great day. I had fun. But I am shocked. I saw his face and I didn't remember him. I didn't remember what he used to be like, what he used to look like. I didn't remember anything. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Nobody understands how this feels. Nobody will ever understand. I am breaking down. I am starting to fall apart.

Well I remember the first day...

I don't really know what is happening. People are drifting away from me. And honestly I do care, but I don't do much about it. Its a choice to cease being friends with somebody. I haven't made that choice, instead I am just making friends with many people, I mean when I leave this town, I want to have a reason to come back. I am doing well in school, almost on honors. I am trying to get myself back on track, but I just keep slipping off. Thursday I am going to see my dad. It doesn't sound like a big deal but this will be the first time in 9 years that I have seen him. I am happy, but also nervous, simply because I have to let somebody else into my life, somebody else who I am going to have to put my faith in. I put my faith in so much, in so many people, but somehow I always seem to get knocked down. Well I don't have anything to say really. So I guess I will just go.

I'm always looking back on our scripted memories.

So off on another fight again, her and him. Of course nobody wants to hear what the other person has to say. Its depressing when your own family will turn on you, turn on you and blame you, when all you are trying to do is get by. I don't steel. I don't do drugs. I do well in school. I am going to be the first person in my family to make something of myself, to go to college. It just honestly sucks when your own brother goes and frames you for something he did. It sucks that I can't trust anyone.

Anyways, I think its coming back. I just want to throw up, after everything. After everything I eat, after everything that makes me upset. After everything.

I don't know what to do.

The colder's coming to take it's place.

I am upset. Do I have a right to be? Am I justified? He went to a party and slow danced with her. I know its not a big deal, because they are friends. But I never slow danced with anyone. I am jealous a bit I suppose. But I love him, and it gets me honestly upset. It's not a big deal, but to me it is, to me it is. Of all the people it could have been, it was her. It was her. It, was her. I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know how to tell you why I cannot speak to you. Ian incapable of speak to you. I am upset. I have a right to be. I am justified.

I want an out from the pain.

I WROTE A HUGE LONG THING AND I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE SUBJECT SO IT GOT ERASED AND NOW ITS GONE.

>:[

So today, I am home sick with the flu. Its not swine so dont be alarmed. I am really tired. I woke up at 3:30 AM and have been up since then. My back hurts. I have a splitting headache. My tummy hurts. I can't eat anything because I am on the verge of barfing. I can't take my meds because I can't stomach them. Every time I cough, I feel like I am coughing up a lung. I am having a hard time breathing. I am just a wreck. I can't sleep either. If I try, it hurts my back, so I roll to my tummy, and that hurts. When I was awake at 3:30 AM I started thinking about the 4th kind. I was working myself up over nothing, for I do not live in Nome, Alaska. So I got up and I started to play some poker online. It killed some time. It is 10:55 and I have nothing to do. I have already watched 21 twice. I took a shower/bath, I cleaned. Now I have to try to relax, but it doesn't seem to be working too well.

I never felt so all alone. I can barely breath

A day later, to add to my horrible mood, I HATE IN WHEN PEOPLE ARE JUST ASSHOLES. We all have our fair share of bad days, where we can be ass's but with some people, its just ridiculous. I firmly believe that its about time PEOPLE GET REAL. Honestly. Grow up. Stop trying to get attention. Stop trying to be something you are obviously not. You are not fooling anybody. Stop pushing things. Slow the fuck down. People say that life just flies by, but honestly, it's just getting started. So slow down and think about what is going on around you. I know it may be hard for you to pull your head out of your ass and think, but seriously think about other people instead of yourself. Think about your actions and how every move you make affects how somebody else lives. Without even knowing it, you could destroy everything.

Lets compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.

Awkwardddd. This is literally the most awkward convo I have had in a while. I am speechless. AWKWARD. Yes Kellie, this is a post dedicated to you and your bus stop house.

Anyways, I really have nothing to write about. Last night was fun. I had fun. I made a new friend! I saw the 4th kind, and it was fucking awesome. I am fucking terrified to go to sleep now. But it is an awesome feeling. Alex is in Florida until tomorrow night. So I can't really talk to him for a while, which blows. I am in a pretty decent mood, but I am a little depressed I guess you could say. I am just not myself. I actually got this one text today, that really made me upset. It said "I mean when I didn't tell you about talking to him about having sex, you got mad at me. and when I do tell you something, you insult me." The thing is, it hurt to hear that because I didn't mean to, but most of all it hurt because I now know that the only reason she told me was because she didn't want me getting mad at her. She when I read that, I started crying. It makes me feel bad, like I am a disappointment to my friends. But there isn't anything I can do now. All I can do is get upset and cry, because I honestly feel like nobody cares. I think about things way too much. I think about my friends, my family, Alex and I, his family, and most of all, school and college. I can't wait to leave this place. I can't wait to leave.

I watched you change.

So today is my best friends birthday party! I am fairly exciteddddd! I have to do major cleaning today because I am taking the car until 11:30 tonight. I think it will be a blastttt! Wohooo! So every Friday that I am not working I am going to go over to Haleys house, so we can start up our tradition! Should be fun.
BYE.

So I just need to vent a little bit. Everything is going great, for the most part. I am doing well in school and possibly becoming German Club president, which would be AMAZING. The only thing that throws me off my game is this one person. You are my friend. But it is about time that we all start growing up, just a little more. School is a place to learn, to make something of yourself, not to draw attention in a negative way. You scream out in class, things that are not meant to be said in school, or even in general. I am trying to grow up and I know that you are too but this is contraditing. Other than this minor mishap, everything is going well. I miss my hunny :( he is in Florida for vacation. We haven't gotten the chance to talk much.

Mogen die macht mit dir sein :)

I am so pissed off right now. Alex got mad at me for the stupidest thing, not going downstairs to use the house phone to talk to him, when i was already talking to him on my cell phone. He said he was just gunna go then, so I said fine and hung up. He's being a prick and I am sick of it.

I friggin hate all this shit.
Im over it.

I just went to the halloween store to look for costumes. I wasn't really going to get one but I thought, hey why not just try it on. So i did. I felt so unbelievably fat. I mean I know I am, and it sucks. No matter what I do I can't manage it. I need to do something. I hate this.

Tonight was a great night. I went out with a bunch of people, saw Saw 6 and went to the mall. I got home at 9:30 but if I had stayed any later with them we would have gotten in so much trouble. Driving illegally. They got pulled over afterwards, I am glad I made it home. I am listening to Mayday Parade, for they are my favorite band. I can't sleep, no surprise there. I really have nothing to talk about. Just thought I would make a little note here. I bought 2 new shirts, one is just a nice tshirt but the other is a button down plaid one, its green, I like it. Well thats it.

I'm bruised and scarred, save me from this broken heart.

I am on the verge of crying, nothing new about that. I am so wrapped up in school and work that I don't have time for anything else. My mom is being a bitch to me because she feels like it. I got my phone taken away and I am grounded for being at school and going to work. My room isn't clean to her liking and it never will be. There is a girl going around telling everybody in my school what happened to me when I was younger. I am not even mad about it but since when is it anybodies place to tell anybody anything? I think that people need to grow up. I hate everybody. Why can't I just do everything right? I never do anything right.

I am lost.

i hate everything. people make me so angry. they are blind and stupid. they all deserve what is going to come to them, every last one of them.

I'm breaking. At this very moment I am falling apart. Somebody please catch me.

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

I was sitting down eating my bagel chips and my Nana comes over and frankly just says how fat I am. She says all I do is eat. I don't eat a lot. I eat just as much as the next person. Yeah, I am not the skinniest thing on earth but I am sure as hell not the fattest. I am trying to lose weight, I am trying. Granted I am not able to go around running everywhere to lose all of my weight, but when I have time I do run. I have lost weight in the past few months, but obviously you don't care about it. Just love me for who and how I am, or don't love me at all.

I am going to try this new thing, called introspection. I am going to write down everything that comes to mind within a certain amount of time. This will help me if I am stressed out or upset because it will release my inner most feelings, even surpressed feelings. The first will be right now.

To the song: Into Your Arms- The Maine and Apologize- Silverstein

Sometimes I feel like you love me. Sometimes I don’t. I know you love me, you say it every day. There are three men in my life, who mean absolutely everything to me. I want them to be around foreer, and hopefully they will. I love them all but with him, he asks me to do things that I really should not be doing. I shouldn’t be the only reason keeping you out of jail. I shouldn’t be the only one around to help you. I should be the person you turn to for help, but only for help. He is so important to me. Building a relationship with him is a top priority now that he’s going to be around again. I am going to college the summer after next and I will not be around, I will be gone. Oh and He, he is amazing. He is my everything. My world. He is everything that has ever meant anything to me. I don’t want him to ever leave, not ever. The only thing that I can’t stand is when we argue. Every day. I try not to. With school it is even more difficult to control my anger. I know things would be so much easier if he were just around. I wouldn’t be so tempted. I wouldn’t do the things I do. I wouldn’t fight as much as I do. I feel depressed. I am carrying the weight of the earth and the moon on my shoulders, and it’s taking its toll on me. My family life is going down, even more than I hoped for. My relationship with family is going down. My friends are thankfully going up. My best friends will always be there for me. Always. As I am for the.

Let me run with you tonight, I’ll take you on a moonlight ride.

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

I had a fairly good night tonight. I went to the Pink concert which was really good and for the most of the trip, it was great but certain parts just really sucked. I argued with a friend more than once. It sucks because I understand some of what they are upset about but the other times it not even about them and yet they get involved. Its not their place to yell at me and another because we aren't including them, even though I really am and every time I tried to start a convo they gave me a one word answer and blow me off. I get accused of sulking and such for no reason, other than being quiet because I have nothing to say. I get yelled at for cracking a joke with my other friend. I just hate this because if it's not your business then stay out of it. I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody did.

Mmm, whatcha say? Mmm that it's all for the best.

I am crazy swamped with homework and clubs and work. I am in this club called DECA and it takes up the majority of my time come this winter. I am doing tons of homework before progress reports to make sure that I have a good grade in every class. I am doing pretty well actually, with the exception of English class. I am good at english but my teacher is difficult at grading and so it is hard. Vocabulary is the worst. 60 on the first quiz. I am making up for it though, with the reading quizzes and other vocabulary quizzes and some pojects. I am surprisingly doing amazing in Algebra 2, which is crazy but I am. I have the highest grade out of the 4 classes. Which is great.

I went to Rhode Island to visit some colleges this past weekend, URI, Roger Williams and Salve Regina. I LOVED Roger Williams. URI and Salve Regina were just boring. It is definitely that school that I want to apply to. I am going to look at University of Delaware, but it is hard to get into but if I like it I will try. If not I am going to Roger Williams.

I am in DECA and for that group I have to dress up in formal attire so I just got maybe 20 different dress pants and I am going to get some shirts next weekend. They are all a size smaller than I am so I am trying to lose 10 pounds by the end of October, which should be fine, I just have to run and maintain my diet for the next month. I hope I can do it. I know I can.

Anyways, I have to read for homework so I must be going.

I'm awake and I'm alive.

I have had it with the male race. I found out things that nobody would believe. Why does this happen to everyone I love? Everything bad happens because of guys. I have had it with all of them. Rape, abuse, verbal and physical abuse. I have had it. I will never stay quiet again. Never again. Not after what I have been through. I found out rape. I know what thats like. I was raped. Now it's happening to somebody I care about and they can't stand up for themselves, so I will. I will not let this happen again. If it does, I will kill him.

I would usually write song lyrics here but I cannot today, there is no song that could possibly express my anger about this. Just remember that I will get you, I will get you if your do this.

is killing him. I know it is. I think he is back on the drugs. I am pretty sure he is. Not by the way he is acting but he leaves in a car with somebody for maybe 5 minutes and then comes back. I haven't seen him doing anything, but I can feel it. I am going to say something to him soon. I need to know. he already got help once, but if he's back on he needs the help. He already told me that he knew a thousand numbers in his head that he could call at any time... I hope he didn't. I'll be crushed.

All you do is up and go.

So everything was going perfectly fine, up until about 3 hours ago. We started arguing again. And it hurts. I understand that he was mad that I said what did, but it wasn't bad, it was just saying that he jumps to conclusions. There isn't anything wrong with that, I was just pointing it out. He doesn't understand that it hurts me when he says thing like I always treat him terrible and it bother me when he displays our relationship problems on Myspace bulletins and AIM status. But it does. I am not too sure what to do, and it is really difficult for me. I just wish that everything was better. I wish that I never fought with anybody and nobody ever fought with me. I wish I was just perfect. A perfect girl, student, daughter, girlfriend, a perfect everything.

If your heart just isn't in it, I don't want it for a minute.

Today was just like every other day. School is going well, at least I think it is. My friends and I are getting much closer, and I am spending more time with them, which I enjoy. I have spent the past few nights looking at colleges that I would like to go visit this year. I have been searching a bunch of colleges but it always brings me back to University of Delaware. I really like the school and the programs it offers. I want to major in Hospitality Management because I want to be the manager of a chain of hotels or a resort. I am taking to PSAT's in October and I am hoping that I can get a high grade on them. Anyways, I should be going, I have to do homework and I am still looking at schools.

Oh no, I don't know what to say to make you stay, to make you stay.

I feel like everything has changed. All Alex ever tells me anymore is that I am a bitch and a jerk and all this stuff. All this arguing about me asking him not to call because I am sick. It always turns into, you are such a bitch to me and you never care about me and all that jazz. He sits there and cries telling me this, as I sit here and half listen while my eyes glaze over. Now he knows how it feels. Now he knows what he has put me through for over a year now. On top of that I find out that all of his family wants us to break up and apparently he wants to too? Awesome.

Adam won't talk to me either. I don't know why but he just won't. It makes me really upset because I enjoyed talking to him. he made me feel better about myself. But I don't have somebody like that anymore. I am done with everything. I have lost everything anyways. Its better that I just die, it would be so much easier, so pull the trigger,

Finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet.

So life has been quite stressfull.

I have loads of homework, a wound that aches constantly, and a boyfriend who is not around. We are doing fine I suppose, but it gets hard. I am getting ready to lose a shit ton of weight after everything heals. I can't now cause of the pain. It looks awful too, my arms and my stomache. I am hoping to be at 170 by January. It will be really tough but I have to do it. I am going to stick to it. I am going to 2 proms this year so I need to lose it. I am fairly excited about it though, despite it being hard. I am going to run every day, either before or after work. I am going to eat all healthy and crap and everything.

I wish that the world didn't depend so much on looks though, and weight.

I'll live forever in a day.

Long and painful weekend. I have marks all over my body. I come home and talk to Alex, and all we do is fight. I am giving this relationship my all, and after this, I have nothing left, and I will not be with another person again. My body aches both physically and emotionally. My mental state is already fried.

Today was the first day of school. It was really good actually. I have friends in all of my classes, which is great. I was worried about that lol. These are the classes:

Image Editing
Psychology
Algebra 2
Physics
US History
German 4
English 11
Gym
Business Law

They are fairly good classes. The teachers are nice, well the ones I have had so far. I have yet to meet the English teacher. But either way I am not too worried. This is junior year, and I am deff stepping up with my grades. I need to.

You know I've got this friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky.

Why can't anybody love me? Why can't anybody just care? I am in the most pain I have been in, in a long time and nobody cares. Why can't I have a mother that loves me? And a father that's always around? Why can't anybody help me? Why can't anybody help me..

Well Septembers here and my friends have moved on.

I want to kill myself.
Period.

So I am off to the beach this morning, it should be buckets of fun. Me and Rachel are going for a little while. The summer is over and I have only been to the beach once, THIS NONSENSE WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

If you don't expect that much from me, you might not be let down.

I did something. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it.

I am going to find you Ryan and Sean, that's a fact. And when I do, you are going to be sorry for what you have done.

Don't speak again, I'm still waiting for my turn.

I am really upset. It was an alright day, but then it turned into crap. Mike got into a car accident on the highway. The car is totaled. My mom is constantly freaking out at me. I don’t know what to do. I was trying to tell Alex but he isn’t around to talk. She is yelling at me for all these things I have no control over. I can’t do anything right, not ever. I made Mac and Cheese for my brother and sister, two boxes. I get yelled at because my sister decides to eat something else after I have finished cooking it. So for my punishment I have to eat all that is left. One, I don’t like Mac and Cheese, and two; it makes me sick because I am allergic to dairy. My mom doesn’t care about that though. She doesn’t care that I am literally allergic to Mac and Cheese, she wants me to die. I walked over to talk to my Nana for the first time in a week and a half and I get screamed at for “missing” a phone call when the phone didn’t even ring! I don’t know what to do. I am emotional and I am just looking for help. I was so desperate that I asked Andrew what he was doing tonight, so that when my mom left for Vermont I had a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on though, nobody cares enough about me to be there for me.

And I'm contemplating suicide.

I have never felt so used in my life.

Somewhere out there is probably in pieces.

So my mom is out of town and I am home alone. I went to the mall and came home around 9 and there were cars parked all along my house. Mike had people over and it was fine. I invited my friends over too. I was going to have the girls stay over and leave in the morning but my mom tweaked cause I can't lie to her and I sent them home. There is so much more to it, but I can't explain it. Andrew and Kris were going to drop Kellie off at home so she wouldn't get in trouble and then come back and get me and take me out. But I couldn't go. I don't want to be in trouble anymore. I just can't wait until next summer, when I get to stay out and have my own place. I can have people over whenever I want all the time. I wish I was 18 and I had my own place.

Follow your heart.

Mike bailed on me. He told me to take the car at 5 and then tells me he is using it until 5:30. The times comes and he calls and says he won't let me take it til 7. Which fucking blows because I was meeting people up there at 5:30. So it's going to fucking suck for me, being alone at the mall. Plus I get to pay for gas for Mike cause he's a dick.

I'm learning what it's like to die on the outside.

My mom and Nana are away for the weekend, so I have the house to myself. Mike is letting me use his car tonight so I am going up to the mall with some friends. There really isn't anything much to talk about. Nothing is really going on. So I'll catch up with you later.

Truth is not a secret.

I have to work the long shift today, 3 to 9. It's going to be a drag but whatever. Tomorrow I have the day off and I get my check. I am not doing anything tonight or really anything tomorrow either. I suppose I will just look to see who is around. Hopefully Mike paid his car payment so I can use it, but I doubt it. I am listening to the song Where You Want To Be by The Less, and it is probably my favorite. Here it is.

How are you?
Is it just another day
Another way to hide your face
And hope that they don't find you?
Where are you?
Are you going to make a move
Or take a step, Or leave a mark
Create a legacy or two?

Come on you
Got to act now,
Got to move now, got to go
Come on you know
It's time for you to glow

Don't you wait, don't you wait.
Are you where you want to be?
Are you where you want to be?
Don't you think, don't you think?
You could open up and see.
Are you where you want to be?

How are you?
Are you living for today?
Forget the yesterdays and
Yesterways that confine you.
Come on you know
Somebody's on your side
You and I will learn to fly
It's what we were meant to do

It's a new day
There is a way to make it through.

Tell me that you love me, more than you ever have loved before. Because I do. I love Alexander Winchell more than life itself. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, will you marry me?

I am listening to this song, Dependence by The Less. It's my favorite band and one of the best songs.

A little lower than the angels
You came to me
A little lower than the heavens
You found me
You came to be a Pathway
Just to lead me home
Just to lead me home
You stepped out of your beauty
In thought of me
And you laid down your glory
And took my place for me
But now you hold the Victory
And you're leading me home

You're leading me home
So tell me how it's supposed to be
I try it my way but I just keep falling down
And you see past the things
That try to cloud my view
So will you be the voice inside
That tells me how to make it through?
I can depend on you

A little lower than the angels
A little lower than the heavens
You set me free
You came to give me comfort
And you're leading me home
And I feel so at home

Here I go, here I'm found
Lost somewhere in the rhythm
And the sound of the
Way you call out my name
I'll never be the same

All the doubt
All the shame
Is running all away now
All the fear
All the pain
It shudders at your name.

I am so depressed it is not even funny. I can't function. All I want to do is cry. I hate being alone. I hate yesterday. I can't dwell on the past but what he said yesterday is just burned into my head and heart. I was planning on going to the beach on Thursday with my mom and Olivia, but of course my mom doesn't want to so we can't.

I have no car to get out of the house. Kellie is on vacation, rachel is on vacation, taylor and haley are going on vacation tomorrow and they are spending all their time with each other til Sunday. It blows that I am not cared about to be honest. I never get invited places, not ever. I don't go on vacations with anybody. I sit inside my house and cry because I am not worth anything.

Another way to hide your face and hope they don't find you.

Maybe I shouldn't have pushed my luck, singing that song about Alex in the last post....really confused.

We are together, made for each other, we can stand alone. And now no one can touch us.

So come on, come on, come on.

I am a little down today. I'm not sure why exactly, I was having a great day with my friends, but it all just changed so suddenly. I don't know why, but I am depressed. I don't want to talk to anybody, not even Alex. I have to work til 8:30 and after I will sit in my room and do nothing but cry due to the way I am feeling. Alex won't be home until midnight, he is going to a concert. So I am alone again. I am always alone...

Are you where you wanna be?

I am in a very good mood. I am just all around happy right now. I have no reason not to be, or to be but I thought it would be a good change. I am always sad, always. Depressed mostly. Due to my physical appearance but I am working on it, I promise. I am trying to make myself feel better about everything.
I am looking forward to this year of school. Showing everybody that I am not just a fat loser. I am Lindsey, the lovable, the cuddly, the sweetheart, the "everything I am looking for" girl. I want to be that.

Until the day I met you.

SUCKED today. I had to clean out the fat guys van, and it was awful. Getting a turkey club for lunch! Cheer me up some more by talking to me!

IM- Onthetriggerrxo


All I wanted was to be with you.

My fingers smell like steak! Weird, haven't eaten steak since I was in Jersey. Haha weirrrrrrdd.

Talk to me everyone!

I just need some clarity.

Tuesday was our one year. Tuesday night was the night I described, amazing. I can't believe it has been a year already. He saw me and my best and my worst times, and still loves every part of me. You can't find anyone better than that.

Count 'em one, two, three, you look so cute when you get that mad.

So I am home. I would rather be back in Jersey with Alex to be honest. I got home at 4 yesterday, I was going to write but I was so tired from the previous night, which was absolutely amazing. That night we went to Wildwood with him brother Albert, until about 1am. After that, we stayed downstairs for a little while, until 1:45 then had to go up to bed. We waited til 2:30 then I went into his room. We had the most mind blowing, amazing, perfect sex for over an hour. He didn't want to get in trouble so he suggested that we stop for the night, but I couldn't. So I went back to bad a little later and fell asleep around 4. He woke me up at 7 but I could not stay awake so I went back to sleep until 9. He woke me up and laid with me and we ended up having sex again, just like we did that night, only shorter. It was really great.

The rest of the time I was there we just hung out, messed around obviously and spent time with his friends and family. Everything was perfect. I will go back, and it will be amazing, again.

When your n=mind breaks the spirit of your soul.

already getting nervous. sweating. all ready to go. don't miss me. Wish me luck.

I'm leaving pn a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again, oh babe I hate to go.

its 1:35 AM. I hate insomnia. I can't sleep at all. This sucks. Catching my flight at 5AM. I need to wake up at 3:50. I guess I can rule out sleeping tonight.

I love you. Yes, yes I do. I don't have anything to write about but I thought I would say something anyways, I am in a very good mood tonight. Maybe its the thought that I get to be with him, emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually. I am really happy about that.

On a side note, I am a good friend, I tell Alex a lot but I don't tell him everything. Not because I don't want to or that I can't, but simply out of respect and trust for my friends. I want my friends to be able to come to me for anything, knowing that I won't tell a soul. I only wish that my friends did the same. Whatever I say about my relationship, my body, my thoughts gets shared with everybody. My girl friends end up telling their boyfriends, who I frankly don't think they should know that kind of information. I don't mind sometimes, but when its about my body type, breast size (I know they are very large and it is quite visible to everyone) or relationship troubles I really don't think it is anybodies business. Therefore my friends shouldn't be going around telling people, I trust them enough not to.

Well I am going away in the morning, and I have free texting to Verizon and 500 texts to anyone else, so if you have my number, give me a text! I would like it a lot.

Stay young.

Tomorrow at 3AM I am going to the airport for my flight. I am so happy. I need to get out of here. I need this vacation. I downloaded AIM to my iTouch so I can still talk to people. I will not be on here to write til probably Wednesday night, so everyone, don't miss me too much.

Don't let them tell you that you aren't beautiful.

Mike screwed me over again, I thought I saw something in him, I thought I saw change. I was wrong. I was robbed, stolen from, not only me but my family. He ruined his chances at anything.

I spent the day with Kellie, swimming and skinny dipping and hanging out watching movies. It was fun. I am probably going to do it all over again tomorrow. Saturday I am going to the airport at 5AM to catch my flight to New Jersey to see my love. I am going to Ocean City and stuff then too, after spending the day in Philly. It should be fun. On Tuesday I am going to Wildwood for the day. It should be fun. I can't wait.

When love takes over, yea yea.
^ corny song but its quite catchy :)

I went to the beach today, for three hours. I got sunburned, but I had fun. I went crab hunting with my cousin and then went into the water, which is the first time probably since I was 11 that I went in and actually enjoyed myself. I had plans to hang out with Rachel but she pulled out, so instead I went up to Nashua and hung around with Olivia and Meghan. Tomorrow I am heading back to the beach with Kellie, Taylor and Haley, which should be fun. I love the beach. I wish I lived there.

I am going to Alex's on Saturday, I am literally stoked. It is so exciting. I love that kid.

If you hate filling out your time sheets...

So this year was the first in 5 years that I didn't go to camp. I was too old to go as a camper, so originally I wanted to go as a CIT. But things changed when I started dating Alex. I needed to apply for the CIT spot in February, and at that point I didn't want to go, I was in a hot and heavy relationship and I was afraid to leave. But its almost August and I miss camp. I look at pictures of it and want to do anything to go back. Another reason I didn't go to camp this year was because my best friend from there, Larissa, decided not to go. And I didn't know anybody else to be honest. Me and her spent every day together for the past 5 years, so I didn't make any other close friends. I knew the people who were going this year, and I was friends with them, but not like I was with Larissa, nothing could top that friendship. But looking back, I really miss it, and I wish that I could go. It is my second home. It has a lot of my friends. It is made for me you know? I just wish there was a way to go back.

I miss you, I miss you so.

Fighting with Alex is oh so much fun. I hate it. More than ever. Arguing over things that have nothing to do with him. He feels like he controls me, that he is going to put so much guilt on me until I crack and finally give in. I am a forgiving person, and that's it. Its how I am and forever will remain. I am so upset that I am covered in hives. Which has never happened before. I am sure that I will feel like this again. I just want to rip off his head. I am standing my ground now. This is how it is going to be. I am going to finally stand up for myself.

I'm only halfway sober.

When I get into one of my really upset moods, I stay in that mood, for a while. I can't help it. Everything seems to be awful from then on, until something amazing happens and snaps me back into reality. Sometimes I wish I could just stay in my alternate reality, is that weird to say if my alternate reality is all about me being forever depressed?

I've been sitting here for hours all alone and in the dark.

Mad cleaning spree today. After I am going to take the car and go up to Nashua for a while. I need to go tanning, get my book, buy anniversary presents, and buy something decent for me to wear to meet Alex's mom. Anyone around here want to meet up with me? Text me and let me know.

I'm stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second hand pick me up.

I was out to breakfast today with my Nana and randomly she just says "I don't know why you aren't on birth control." Oh really Nana? it was awkward, simply because she is talking about me having sex and what not. It was pretty funny though. I have to work at noon, til three, then I am going to hang out with Taylor, or maybe go somewhere. Who knows.

If you here these words, won't you please just come back home?

Watching 16 and Pregnant, and it gets me every time. Crying my eyes out, like a few nights ago. I know how it feels...

Day N' Night, the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.

Today is a good day, a very good day. I can already feel it. It is 8:49 AM but I can feel it. I am not depressed or emotional today, thank God. I feel like partying. Doing things I have never done. Soaking up the sun. Doing anything to embrace the day. I need to do something to get out of my comfort zone. Any ideas?

The colder's coming to take it's place, you see it coming so embrace.

When Alex left, he took part of me with him. Ever since then, I have been depressed. I have been upset and irritable. I don't know how to handle it to be totally honest. I need to find a way to deal with it. He is telling me that I can't let that happen, but what can I do about it? Hopefully I can get myself back when i get to be with him again on Saturday, next week.

Every night when he cries, he lies awake to realize, he's nothing without you...

I hate fights. I hate fights with boyfriends, but I hate family fights more. Especially the ones over me.
I am not allowed to drive when my mom isn't home. WTH? There's one fights, another is; you can't drive my car, you will crash it or ruin it. I have never gotten into a crash, or been close to ruining anything. Not once. And its been year now. Nobody wants to take responsibility for me, I don't need anybody to. All I want is to be treated like everybody else, like Mike. Nobody gave a shit about him when he got his license, and that's how I want it to be for me. It's not fair for it to be any other way. I just want to be treated like everybody else.

Kept me here for all these days, and ripped apart my pride.

So of course my mom goes back to being her old bitchy self. She refuses to talk to Alex's mom, and refuses to buy the ticket for me to go. Of course she does, she always does this to me. She makes me think that I am going to get to do something, get to be happy for once, then she throws it all under the bus, just to watch me crumble. I should be used to it by now right? After 10 years of her doing this, I should be used to it. But I'm not, I usually stay hopeful, but which is worse; being hopeful and think that maybe this time will be different? Or knowing right from the start that this is just like all the other times?

If you believe, today is all you'll ever need. If you believe in me, today is all you'll ever need. If you believe, I won't let you down.

I am driving myself crazy. I have never met any of my boyfriends family and I am next weekend. I am stressing myself out so badly about my appearance, mostly my weight because we are going to the beach. I am resorting to old habits slowly, and I can feel myself doing it. I used to eat maybe a carrot a day, nothing else and then I struggled to eat more, even though I thought I didn't need it. Then I ate so much, I went on binges. I can't help it, I need to find a way to regulate everything. I am resorting back to not eating period, which is difficult to overcome. But I want to lose as much weight as I possibly can in the next week and a half, even though it won't be much, I need all the help I can get. I can go without food for a while.

I've finally discovered what makes you tick.

So I talked to my mom, and I am so happy. I am going to Wildwood on August 1st to the 5th. I am so happy, I called Alex and he is stoked. His mom didn't believe him when he said that I was coming. I am coming on Saturday, early morning at 9 AM. We are going to go to church on Sunday so I can meet Larissa and Paul, Justin and Jimmy. It's pretty exciting. After church we will go to Wildwood, to the beach, and stay at the ocean house. I can already imagine it. I feel like I am going to cry, I finally get to meet everyone. I really wish that I was able to talk to Alex though, he is at camp until tomorrow afternoon. I miss him.

I am really sick too. I dont know what from but all I know is that it's really bad. I just can't believe that I am finally going.

I love him so much.

You never take for granted, the ones you love.

I am Lindsey. I am 17 years old and a junior in high school. I live in Massachusetts. I love skinny jeans and tshirts. I love my hair when it is long and teased. I prefer my hair to be either really light blond or very dark brown. I wear black eye make up and listen to anything from Valencia to Escape the Fate to A Day Away to Eyes Set To Kill. I love the sun, and being tan. I drink iced tea like it is alcohol. Its my weak spot. I love being the center of attention sometimes, but at times I love to feel like I don't exist. I am crazy wild when you catch me at the right time. Know me.

love me.

It's happening again, it's coming. I can feel it coming on again.

Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive, I have purpose once again.

So this is great! I was written about in somebodies journal, who wasn't my friend from here. Yes, I am a nerd, I get excited by little things.

I am getting ready for johnny's party this afternoon, while talking to Alex. He is in the car on his way home from South Carolina. I miss him so much. When my mom comes home today, I have to talk to her about going to Wildwood and meeting his family. I really want to. I hope she lets me. Its been a year, its about time.

Ten miles wide.

things are shaky right now. I think that I need to find new friends to hang out with. I can't be with the same people all the time anymore. I can't do it.

Save me from me.

So Mike was over last night, we had dinner and watched a movie. For all of you who don't know, Mike is my brother. He made steak tips and peas, and surprisingly it was really good. He wasn't drinking or anything, and he was really happy. We talked about our father, and the difference he is making in his life and how well he is doing. I love them both so much. Me and Mikes relationship is very awkward. We have been through a lot together, good and bad. Things that I can remember from when I was 9 and on. Everyone has bad memories, of fighting with their brothers and sisters, and so do I, but I have worse. Abuse, alcoholism, rape, douche dads, and disaster would just be on repeat through my life. I am not complaining about it, because it made me who I am now, a 17 year old girl who is applying to Dartmouth and University of Delaware for pharmaceuticals. We anyways, I have good ones with Mike too, and my father, like sleep overs where the drinking wasn't all that bad.

I started speaking to my father in February of 2007, for the first time in 10 years. I spoke to him through letters for the most part, then I sent him and I never heard back. I got a letter in November of 2007, and he was in prison. I sent letters to him all the time from that point on, I wanted a relationship. Mike still wouldn't talk to him, because when I was younger and my dad was around, Mike was old enough to know what was going on. He was the one that suffered the abuse and everything that came with it. We have continued to talk and just recently he got out of prison early. He is in a half way house and was severely depressed, so again we stopped talking. But now we are all talking, which is good.

I am not really sure I want to get into the rest of my life now, maybe another time. Its too much to think about at this point, some scars aren't healed yet, and I'm not sure they ever will be.

You hardly recognize me, whats the deal? You hardly recognize the way you feel...

I really don't have anything to write about, but I am bored and it is 7:30 in the morning. I didn't talk to Alex much last night, which was a drag, but oh well. I just bought like a gazillion songs on iTunes today. It is beautiful outside, and therefore I am going tanning all day, I need some color. But I will take a two hour break for my run, I am finally getting back into it, despite these period cramps.

Tonight I am going out to dinner for my birthday. My birthday was a while ago but oh well. While I was away, my older brother said he was going to "change my sheets" and when he lifted my bed from the box spring, he found all my condom wrappers from when Alex was over here, the last few times. He said something to me about them, but surprisingly he wasn't pissed off or anything. Which was good, but he is going out to dinner with everyone tonight so he will probably open his big mouth, not like it matters because they already know. But for sure he will say something to me about it when he takes just me out. Joy. Oh well, what can you do?

I wonder how many late nights you spent between bed sheets, while I obsess over love we made.

So I was in vermont for the past weekend. Many things happened to me while I was there. The car broke down twice on the highway. We coasted down the hills off the side of the road and waited there for a mechanic at 11 at night. It was supposed to be done at noon today, the car, but it didn't get finished until 5, and therefore, I am here writing at 10:11. Another thing, is that Alex is in South Carolina for 10 days and therefore can't talk to me much. I am really lonesome. I never feel alone, until I am not talking to him. I am never alone, like I am now.

Be anywhere but here, but baby anywhere is away from here.

In response to the slide, yes, yes I can, and I am. I over react at times is all. I am on my way to Vermont, I convinced my mom to wait for Kellie, so I am sitting here waiting for her to finally show up. My new iPod has THE shortest battery capacity. I played tap tap for 2 minutes and its down to 20%. Well jeez. I am going to the drive ins tonight, so I bought some stuff for there. I am going to Hanover tomorrow also, shopping and stuff. It should be fun.

A love game.

So I took my license test this morning, and I failed. Awesome. They said I did everything perfect. Yet I failed. There was a flashing yellow light and a stop line and I stopped so they failed me. Great. So now I am on the phone, waiting for them to answer, I have been on it for a half an hour already. This is bullshit, and that stop shouldn't have made me fail, its not fair. So when I got home, I started crying and then my mom calls and starts yelling at me for not knowing when Kellie was getting out. She doesn't want to wait for Kellie, so I have to text her and tell her that she isn't coming now, thanks to me right? I just fucking suck, I fail at everything. I am just going to give up now, there is no use in trying to do anything.

So for a second post of the night, I decided to write about absolutely nothing. I am so bored, I have nothing to do but sleep, but I can't until I get Alex's phone call. I need to make sure he's safe. I posted all the pictures of us on myspace and facebook today, just now actually. If you decide you want to look at them, message me and I will friend you on there :)

I have this one picture, that we are kissing, and it just makes me realize how much he means to me. Not just the physical stuff, but everything else too. Since I have been with him, I have changed so much. I am more mature, I am 17 and I act it. I have a steady job, and I am good at what I do. He has taught me so many things, like that I am so much better than doing drugs or drinking. He was there today when my dad called, and he knows how I get when he calls me. I didn't know what to say to either of them. But I am comfortable with Alex knowing everything. I made him breakfast this morning, pancakes and bacon. He was holding me the whole time, and thanked me more than imaginable after. We were so full. I don't think I can ever eat food again. I eat so much.

I am starting my kick ass diet tomorrow. I am trying to lose as much weight as I can before I meet the family. I have gained since last summer, which sucks cause I was doing so well. But I know I can do it, if I just push a little harder. I think that if I get my license it will be easier because I can go to the gym every day, like I wished I could. I need to get back down to my 7 jeans. Jeez its been a long time since I have been that thin. Hopefully I will be a 7 by the time school starts back up in September. I am going to try so hard. I have a new iPod, so I can use the arm strap while I run. I love running. I love working out. I feel so good after. But most of all, I want to be thinner by the time I go to Wildwood with Alex in August. I want to walk on the beach in my bathing suit and shorts while I hold his hand, and for once in my life not be worried about my appearance, not worried about being a whale. He tells me that I am not, and that I am so beautiful but I don't feel that way. I just want to feel beautiful for once, on my own.

I am a tall girl, I am 5'9 and I have a muscly build, like my dad's mom. I am tough and I look it at times. The average weight for my "type" is around 160, and I am over it. Not by too much but by enough. And it sucks. And I hate it. I wish people didn't care so much about looks in this world, everyone would be happy, and people wouldn't go into depression or have eating disorders. Of course, we don't live in a world like that, and we never will. But I can dream.
I am not sure why but I feel like this is the post that I am supposed to tell everybody about my life, and what I have gone through, what I am living with, my past and all the nightmares that come with it. But I think that this post is long enough so I will leave all of that for another day.
Don't it make you sad to know that life, is more than who we are?

I just dropped Alex back at the airport, I already miss him more than imaginable. I am really really sad that he is gone, but I didn't cry, for the first time. These past 3 days have been the best of my life, and I will never forget them. We have been dating for a year on the 4th of August, and I am really excited about that. He spoke to my mom today, about coming to Wildwood with him, and she said that I probably could. Which makes me very happy, because I get to meet his mom and his sisters. I talk to them all, but I have never met them. We are really serious now though, so I think it is about time.

Anyways, I have these gigantic hickies on my chest and my neck, My shirt and hair cover them, so it's alright. I am just so exhausted from staying up late and getting up early. I got my check today, 212 dollars for the past week. I have my license test tomorrow, so I get to pay 60 for that. Hopefully I get it, but I guess we will see.

Just excuse me, this won't take long.

Its my birthday, and I had lots of sex.

awesome :)

Hey jealousy.

Today is the day. Alex is coming, and my party is tonight. I am really stoked. I am going out to breakfast, so is Alex, then his flight is at 11. I am going to breakfast then back home to get ready then going to pick him up. We are going to hang out with Kellie and James after and then my party is tonight. I am so excited.

i like to dance all night, summons the day.

TOMORROW.
'nough said.

Lookin for some hot stuff baby this evening.

The sun is out today again, I will forever rant about it. I will never take sun for granted again. I hope it stays out a lot this week, for when Alex comes. I would really like that. Well, its the morning after the 4th of July, and I am simply exhausted. I haven't been to this party before, yet I was like the highlight of it, weird. I got licked, bitten, punched, smacked, my boobs rubbed, a couple tattoos, burned by a firework, and a head up against my crotch. We talked about licenses, hysterectomies, vasectomies, throwing little kids down stairs a couple times a week, we watched a firework exploded on the ground and blow up a swing set, and watched an old guy talk about having two balls. This is one of those days that I probably will not forget.

Oh you, your sex is on fire

Today is the 4th of July. For the first time in a month, the sun is out to stay, and I am going to numerous outdoor parties. I am going to my friend Tay's at noon, then I have to work. But after wards I am going to Nashua to stay at my aunts for a portion of the night. I am going to enjoy today, I know it. The sun is shining, I am hanging out with friends and doing what I love. Along with all that is going on today, today is my anniversary. Eleven months devoted to the same sweetheart. Tuesday he is coming home. Just 3 more days. Tuesday. My seventeenth birthday is on Wednesday. At least I get to spend it with him. We are having a party on Tuesday and then Wednesday we are having our special date. We are going to get all dressed up and he is taking me shopping for whatever I want, to a fancy dinner and to a late movie, and then back to my house for the night. I am so excited for it. This is what I need, to get my mind off of everything bad that has ever happened.

When I turn jet black and you show off your light, I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine.

Today seems to be going off well. I misread my schedule and now i realize that I get to work until 4:30 today. I am going out to breakfast before I go. Me and my mother are on weird terms now, I am not sure whats going on. But when we get like we do, I feel like she is wearing me out, I connect going home with torture. Anyways, Darling is coming in 5 days not including today and my birthday is in 6 days. I am really excited, for more than one reason.
1) I get to see my baby for the first time in 8 months.
2) When he is here I am going to have sex a gazillion and a half times. Which is awesome. Well anyways its time for me to go.

With the moon I run, far from the carnage of the fiery sun.

This is life. Perfect but shitty. Its great but I hate it. My birthday is a week from today, the 8th. Darling is coming home on the 7th, and it is thrilling. I found out that I am possibly going to a few concerts this summer. I am going to Warped Tour, well who knows if I want to go or not, its pretty crappy. And I am going to see Kings of Leon with Mike, Ryan and Kevin. I am pretty stoked. They will get trashed and i will be the one driving home. Woohoo for designated drivers.

She took my heart, I think she took my soul.

I hate everyone, to be honest. I just need to get out of this god-forsaken house. I hate my mother, I don't hate my brother or sister, but my mom counts for them. She said that we get report cards soon, and that she better get it today and if any of my grades went down, everything is over. And guess what? My grades went down in Chem. I left a backpack in the cellar when doing the laundry, and she calls me all these things that a mother never calls a child. Im retarded, fat, a bitch, half ass, fucking waste of life. What kind of mother makes there kid cry more than anyone else does? My mother does. Every day for the past 11 years of my life. Its about time that I get used to it right? Well I can't.

I'm ready to go now.

I hate it when I tell people that I don't want to talk because I am not feeling well, and I have a head ache, and then I get yelled at for it. Everyone always takes what I say and use it against themselves, saying how I treat them badly because I dont want to talk. Well pardon me for being sick. I'll try harder next time just to make you happy, since it's always about you.

I want to make you proud, but I really don't know how.

I went to work today at 5:45 AM, it was crazy. I have done that twice now, and its not a big deal but I only had to stay for an hour and I can't go back to sleep. The sun is trying to come out, but once again it is shut down. I don't think it has stopped raining in 3 weeks. I am going to a party tonight, first one of the summer. It should be fun. My birthday is in 13 days. Alex is coming in 12 and I get my license in 15. This is great. Its been a good day so far.

When did we think that this would be easy? We must have been out of our minds.

Nothing will top the feeling I had when I found that dress.
Nothing.

forever, forever.

I have found it. I have found the dress. It is perfect. It is little, M, which is great for me, and and is black, so it is sexy as I wanted it to be. Me and Darling are going out for my birthday in 2 weeks, and its going to be spectacular. I can't wait. Plus, I am getting my license in 17 days, at 8 AM.

STOKED.

You found me, you found me.

This weekend was long and eventful. I have bruises all over my face and I am simply exhausted. Saturday was the worst day of my life, and I would rather not talk about it, for it will bring back memories I want to forget. I am so short tempered today too, I read a message and saw the meaning behind it, and it got me extremely angry. He made me feel like I did something wrong when I did nothing. He said that if we didn't get along, then he would be gone, not just from my life (which I could care less because I hate the bastard) but from my friends as well. Well that's not my problem. It is simply infuriating. I hope he gets hit by a bus, honestly. Seeing that would complete my life, and this is the one thing I will never regret saying, after all the crap he has created.

Well hey baby, I dare you to wrap your legs around me.

The sun is shining for the first time in weeks, finally we are taking a break from this perminent rain. I woke up to a mother screaming, and breaking down everything I have created in the past 1 1/2 years, they only thing that I hold onto with my life. I am dominated by fear in my own house. I miss Adam, I need to talk to him again.

I won't let this die.

I was just talking to Darling, and of course he just shuts me down. I try to be all cute and cuddly and such but he just says, okay I'm going out bye. Well if that right there isn't a complete shut down, I don't know what is. He doesn't understand that it bothers me. That I want to talk to him, especially before I go away for the weekend. It's a mutual thing, a relationship. I am there for him and he is there for me, but it seems like I am always the one there for him, and he's not there for me.

I've got to stay strong, just keep moving on.

I want to make you proud but I dont know how. I am really excited for the next few weeks, so much is happening. Darling is coming for my birthday, I am getting my license before he comes, schools letting out, and summer is just beginning. Gosh, I am ready to hit the beach. Come with?

You know I've got this friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky.

He confessed his love for me. And I am scared. I dont know what to do, I love Darling but I dont want Him to be hurt. I am not leaving Darling. He is my soul mate. But I feel so bad. Dilemma that nobody understands.

wont you please just come back home.

Getting my hair done tomorrow. Its going to look good, i hope. I am going crazy here, Darling is with the one person who i want to rip apart. i am so angry it is unbearable, i cried. I dont know how to cope with it. He knows that I am upset but does he care? no. He is still going to the mall rather than comfort me. AWESOME. Darling picks that slut over his girlfriend.

Think of you later in my empty room, where I will fall asleep alone.

I hope I make this right.

one, two, three....go Lindsey :(

I am just really happy, I am not too sure what I am going to do with myself. I drove to the store to get lobsters for my family, and I felt so bad cause I am totally against killing animals. They were looking at me and they were all sad, I can't be near them when they are being cooked :/ I will cry, I am so emotional these days.

Chasing the night to make our days better.

I was just looking through some prom pictures that Darlings friend put up of he and his girlfriend. I started crying. They looked so happy, which made me so incredibly happy. But then I started thinking, I wish I could be like that, be there to make Darling as happy as they made each other. Darling definitely makes me that happy, without a doubt. Only a little longer Linds, keep holding on.

My old man was born to rock, he stood trying to beat the clock.

So life, life is just a game. You have to play the cards right to get ahead in life, even if it means pushing people down to get up. Anyways, nothing is too new. I am just trying to get by again. I am trying to support myself and so far, so good. Okay well I suppose it is alright, I will be back, eventually.



Tell me you miss me.

Ah, the year is coming to an end, finally. Not much is new, just hanging out with people and getting ready for summer. Me and Darling are doing perfect, its funny. I love him so much.

I saw the sun for the first time, oh and it lied in the form of a beautiful girl, who would take me on the ride of my life.

You couldn't help but turn away a mask that hides a face and the saddest eyes i have killed to save.

you're searching for those secrets why I hide myself from you.

It has been quite a few days since I have gotten the chance to write. Nothing new has been going on the be honest. I have been going to school, working and driving every where. Nothing is new either, I have just been doing the same old thing, with the same old people, the only thing that changes is the gosh darn day. I was talking to Coll, he makes me happy. He is fun to talk to. And Burke, I was talking to him too, he and I sing back and fourth to each other, completing the song. He is a funny guy, they both are. But not as great as my Darling.

Oh how he mean the world to me, but he never will know just how much.



when I look into your eyes I can always realize, that you and I could have been together for all the times.

Its a good day for a cry.

dont you worry about a thing, I'll be here and I'll be waiting for you.

Ah, today was a pretty good day. School was good, then I was out for a while. I got home and only spoke a different language for a while, I am not entirely sure why, but I did. I am so comfortable right now, in my sweatpants, I never wear them because they make me look grubby. But I should start, they are amazing!

maybe our shadows aren't that tall.

So college is starting really soon, its crazy. I wonder how me and Darling are going to make out, with the passing years. I love peace signs, you know that? I love them. I am going crazy waiting for school to finally be over! There are only a few more days! My entries tend to be short, sweet and pretty random by the way. Alright I am going to go now, I need to finish my homework.

If you all just new the pain, the pain I keep inside, the pain that makes me, me.

I am going to write in this daily, or every few days to express my feelings and emotions, so I don't lose control again. Anyways, I would rather not introduce myself just yet, but instead let you form an idea of me before I tell you who I really am.
Currently I am talking to Darling, and discussing our lives while he yawns. Haha. He is so silly. I love him. Well anyways, what I will tell you is that I am in high school, and as every other high school student, I can't wait until I get out of this town.

friendships are less important, I'm going to feel let down.