My frigging tinnitus is getting louder which explains why I have been dizzy for the past two days. This means that I am going to have to take a break from listening to music for a while in hopes that the tinnnitus will decrease in sound. This sucks.

I don't know why I let people at work upset me sometimes. It does nothing other than make my tinnitus flare up and give me stomach pains. I have been in a weird mood lately and it's starting to bother me. I guess I need to go back to walking. Last time I went out for a long walk it was too early so I did not enjoy it all since there were a lot of people out.

I like walking in the dark on side streets. Minimal amount of human interaction. I like the sound of the wind when it hits the trees and I love that I feel okay when I walk. I can dose off and pretend like I am who I want to be. Destination? The local park. I love to swing in the darkness just me and the wind. My thoughts. My world. No one else. I feel free.

Then I have to go back home and I snap out of it.

Michael came into work this morning and sd that if he was falling asleep at his desk, to throw him something. I joked with him and sd that I would throw my stapler at him. He said it was fine. So about 10 minutes ago I see him with his head down on his desk and so I grab a paperclip and gently throw it at him (cause I don't want to hurt him). It hits the side of his face and he lifts his head up and he looks pissed off. I was a little scared for my life for about 5 seconds. Lol. He was ready to beat some ass. He thought it was justin that had thrown it. For someone who jokes way too much, he really doesn't know how to take a joke. This was my whoops moment for today. The end.

All a snuggie is a backwards robe and there is even a snuggie for dogs?? Ugh. Work is so busy right now...I don't want to go back. My break is almost over though :(

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it"

I have never understood gangs. They are predominant in my neighborhood and they are a cancer. They corrupt the youth and break families apart. My brother is in a gang and I hate what he has become. I feel like this is going to turn into one of those cheesy PSAs but my brother really was a somebody before he started using drugs and joined a gang. He straight A student, played sports, and was liked by many. He dad was always very supportive of him and mom always made sure that he and my other brother had as much as she could afford to give them.

On a bad day, I blame myself for this downward spiral. I was the first one to know that he was using drugs (because I caught him). I kept my mouth shut. I was in shock because my parents had always been anti-drug and they made it known to us. This was my little brother that I caught with his friends smoking in the basement. Even though he and I clashed to the point of full blown fist fights, he was still my brother and I still loved him. I taught him how to color and stay inside the lines when he was in first grade :). I still remember making fun of him because he insisted that his pre-school teacher's name was "Cheacher"... lol.

My little brother is gone. All that is left is a thug with no real purpose. He has been shot at several times and even had his friend murdered in front of him at a restaurant. His gang family is more important to him than anything else. It is more important than his daughter, more important than his sister, mother, and father.

What really bugs me about gangs is that they hurt that person's loved ones the most. Just last week I found out that my brother's friend, Dom, was in jail for murder. He used to come by the house all the time. He was a good kid, too. I didn't belive it when I first heard it, but then a few days after I saw a letter from Dom to my brother... and it snapped everything into perspective. He killed someone. WHo suffers? The family of the dead rival gang member and Dom's family.

Dom has 2 old grandparents that loved him dearly since they raised him after his mother passed away. I saw his grandmother walking from the store the other day when I went for a walk. She was holding onto a gate so that she wouldn't fall, attempting to rest. A few days before my mom and sister had given her a ride home since they saw her walking with grocery bags. She claimed Dom was innocent and was asking if they knew any inexpensive lawyers. Seeing her that day made me sad. What she needed was a responsible grandson to help her. He was gone now... and for what? A stupid gang? A makeshift family? Fighting for invisible territory that doesn't belong to them anyway?

My eyes watered as I walked by. I couldn't help it but I completely understood what it was like to lose someone. Sure, both my brother and Dom are alive but we lost them a long time ago to gangs. It makes me sad but there is nothing left to do.

My brother finally dropped off season 7 of Dragonball Z and I am so excited!!! :D I already watched the first two disks and I will continue my DBZ marathon as soon as I am done here.

My sister asked me today why I loved Jhin so much since she always knew he was a shitty person. We were on our way home and I thought about it while she drove like a maniac. Jhin has been the only person that has broken me. It's not an exaggeration... he demolished me and did not even care about how much I would suffer because of his cowardly actions. I can laugh at it now but it was such a painful experience go through. He's a fucking hurricane--- he destroys lives. Hurricane Jhin lol.

Why did he break me? What was it?
I have been treated like shit by strangers and family alike but it has never bothered me like his abandonment did. Even my parents, whom I have had a shitty childhood relationship with, have not scarred me like he has. I had to think it through for a while as my sister beeped at crazier drivers and road raged through the streets.

And then it hit me. He was the first person who told me he loved me and treated me like complete shit. Even worse, he was the first person who told me he loved me and did not mean it. Not even a little bit. "I love you" means a lot to me, not because I am a chick and we like to hear it but because I never heard those three words growing up. I love you means that I am somebody's somebody, if that makes any sense. It means that I am not such a shitty person after all. It means that someone accepts me for who I am and who I am not.

Jhin loved the idea of me, but he never loved me. He doesn't like being alone and I was there to temporarily fill the void while he searched for someone he really wanted. It's hard to admit to that because it means that I was not good enough. He's was so selfish and I was so selfless and it is a disastrous combination because I gave my all and was left with nothing.

What was upsetting was when he was trying to get back with me last month. He was texting me (ugh, seriously, what a pussy) saying that he wanted me back and that he still had hope we would get back together. What he didn't know (because I didn't say it) is that I know that he has girlfriend that he has been dating since he ditched me... the girl he dumped me for.

I always thought that deep down he was a good person despite all the bad things he has been through. I made excuses for him because I understand how hard it is to have a shitty childhood (though he had it a million times worse than I did). I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I thought he was lying to me and helped him through really shitty times.

Today I realized that he is not a good person. He will do and say anything to get what he wants. I fell for it in the past but will not in the future. I have learned my lesson and moved on. I will be fine even though it still stings a little.

Anyway, I know why I loved Jhin. He was one of those people that I was intrigued by and that I felt a connection with right from the start. He is extremely smart, handsome, charismatic, and outgoing. He just isn't for me but that is OK. I'd much rather be alone than with someone like him.

Completely random-- MIA's Paper Planes is so awesome... it makes me smile :)

It feels weird to blog since I have not done it in quite a while and this is pretty much public but eehh, being cautious gets so boring. :-)

I was filling out a survey that one of my co-workers sent me and there was a question that just stood out to me...

"Are you afraid of dying?"

... and the honest answer is no. I am not afraid of not exisiting. Sometimes it feels that is all I really want. I am more afraid of living than I am dying. I live in fear. Fear of failing, fear of permanent unhappiness, fear of being unloveable, fear of wasting away without any sense of worth...

FEAR.

It has been the only constant in my life and it is extremely difficult to break the cycle. It has done nothing but hold me back and break me. I'm so sick of it but yet I have grown used to it, which is really sad.

I wish I could start over... erase my memories and not feel so awful to be me. I really don't want to be this. I'm such a coward. I wish I had the strength to deal with my demons and get better. I don't know what my purpose is and that is the scariest feeling ever... to feel useless and insignificant and not only have it be a feeling, but have it be the truth. Ugh. This is such and emo entry but it feels awesome to be able to get it off my chest even though no one will probably read this.

I am so sick of his outburts. Someone neeeds to put a muzzle on that asshole.