May 22, 2013

by bcrxing on May 22, 2013

oh oh oh the dramatic irony. the beautiful parallelism. you broke up with me after porm and now im about to reciprocate.  yet somehow i think you were not as torn up about this as i am. im not even sure i can go through with it. but i need to try to be fair to myself. i think youre in love with the place i fill not me. anyone could do everything i do for you and you would love them. because lets be honest we really have nothing in common. and no way am i marrying you so why are we wasting our youth lying to ourselves, lyign to each other? its not that i dont love spending time with you, but i cant take being so serious anymore. its too many fake forced "i love you"'s when lets be honest you dont know what that means (im pretty sure i do). but just a bunch of words mean nothing when theres never any actions to back them up. and if you truly love me then if i needed to step out you would wait, support me, understand. but i doubt that will happen. im still so confused though because i still care about you and i know that as soon as i end it i will still have feelings and miss you. and you wont be able to understand. and you will cry. but we should never have gotten back together. i wrote you out of my life so many times and yet you kept getting written back in. but it wasnt right. you arent meant to be my final chapter...

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Give your entry a title

by bcrxing on May 18, 2013

i made such a huge mistake. i cannot even believe this is happening. i am so sorry. so so sorry. but that means nothing. i am so disgusted with myself. i cannot believe i did this to you. i cannot believe i am keeping this from you. so much guilt. so much disgust. i want to take it back. i would give anything to take this back . . .

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May 16, 2013

by bcrxing on May 16, 2013

i feel like im exploding with feelings. yet no words really come. the music is just filling me. some nostalgic feeling for things i never had. it just feels like something is missing. i cant help but feel like something huge is missing. i think i did high school wrong. is that even possible ? too many responsibilities. too many activities that i didnt actually invest in. i did nothing meaningful. i never found a niche. never found a group of friends. just awkward smattering of friends. its senior year and i dont fit in anywhere. i feel more at odds with the school and myself than i did freshman year. its clearly time to get out of there. i just hope i can make it next year; i hope i can actually make friends. im so scared. i think that i have a lot of fear inside me. self fulfilling prophecies and reciprocal determinism. i just dont know what to do. i didnt get to go to my dream school. even though im so excited for my college i also feel like im settling. i just feel so disappointed. and im so confused about what im to do for a relationship. i feel like i get nothing out of this relationship and im just clinging to it bc ive convinced myself i love him but he does NOTHING for me so why am i still here?! i feel so underappreciated its ridiculous. i just feel like i will look back and regret everything about my high school career i mean i almost already do. so if i end this relationship that was another year wasted ! but then if i dont im not really being fair to myself. i feel so embarrassed and so confused. and maybe i wanna just be single in college. but that also scares me. who will comfort me if hes not there. but then hes not going to the same school anyway. we will never see each other. and then if hes in that city its only going to get worse. we will only get more distant. but i dont wanna get hurt and i dont wanna hurt him. all these feelings inside me make me want to vom. its the unsettling constant anxiety. i cant take this anymore. i honestly imagine getting in car accidents that are not my fault when i drive just because i dont want to deal with it anymore but i want someone else to make that decision for me too. i think ive seen too many happy endings, read too many sappy teenage love stories.

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dabbling in a bit of poetry with no time on my hands.

by bcrxing on April 22, 2013

the waves keep crashing over me; im tossed and thrown, tossed and thrown.

the waves keep crashing over me; tumultuous foam filling my mouth, filling my lungs.

the waves keep crashing over me; but my arms are up reach for the sky.

so see me....

asking for help....

give me what i need....

                                                                                              you.

1 Comment

March 26, 2013

by bcrxing on March 26, 2013

i put so much into us. would it kill you to reciprocate once in awhile? fake it. humor me. why do i continue? why do i bother? feeling let down and deflated today. 

1 Comment

snow snow snow

by bcrxing on March 19, 2013

best year to be a senior. 6 snow days, none of which i have to make up. 

just want to say i super appreciate everyone who comments and messeges me, its really nice to feel support even from an unknown community.

I have to admit  you see a very stilted version of myself. You see the heartaches, the depression, the despair. But that is not my every day life. Writing in this journal helps me to cope with all the feelings i otherwise cannot handle. most of the time it is the negative feelings that threaten to overwhelm me, to drown me, thus i write. however, i tend to not write when i am actually living life. pockets of time go by without entry because i'm too busy enjoying positive emotions. It's sad but the reality is sadness is just a better inspiration than happiness. 

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March 08, 2013

by bcrxing on March 08, 2013

somehow you keep giving me reasons to cry. god how disgusting that the cliche is true. you really do hurt the ones you "love". i was so excited to see you tonight. but i guess im just still not a priority to you. jordans just toooooo important not to hang out with and get fucked up with. ironic that he was my first boyfriend and now hes basically your boyfriend. i just wanted to see you so badly. i thought id be crying tonight but i thought i was going to cry just from being so happy to see you not crying because you called to say you wanted to just see me tomorrow. this completely negates your apology today. you say you have been treating me like shit and that i deserve better and that youre sorry and its going to change because youll be home for a bit and when you go back to college youll get managemant of school and that it will be okay but then you come home and the first thing you do is blow me off. you know actions speak ten folds louder than words. and you call and say how sorry you are and how much you think you fucked up and how its all excuses and youll come over now and youll pick me up and drive me to work at 7 am and pick me up at 4 and will make up for all of this. you let me down thats what makes me so sad. that you made a promise, rose my hopes, and then with the situation in your complete control you broke the promise and crushed me. and you say how much you love me and need me to know how much you love me and how if you didnt love me we wouldnt be doing this long distance relationship blahblahblah maybe you love me because you can walk the fuck all over me. just another night spent with puffy eyes. i'll probably cry in my sleep. and now i just dont even want to see you. youve just tainted yourself i just wanna be mad at you and i hate that ill forgive you because then youll just do it again but if i dont then im punishing myself so much. i dont even get why i keep doing this. i dont even get why i still love you. youre an asshole like a lot ! but then youre nice so much too i guess. lsadjafl kdsjf aiewojr ;afsdfa;sfj <<< that is what it feels like inside me.

1 Comment

March 07, 2013

by bcrxing on March 07, 2013

is history about to repeat itself? the true test is coming. we've never made it through a summer and that time is fast approaching. and suddenly youre MIA, never texting, never calling. i understand how stressed and busy you are is college i get that youre having fun and experiencing it. but if you want to be with me you need to show me because i cant wait around for forever. i cant continue loving someone better than they love me. i cant continue to compromise who i am and what i need. its sad though because i can say all that i want but we both know i'll wait. the need to belong to someone is greater than self esteem and self actualization. < Thanks Maslow. 

 

my self dilution is so impressive.

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huh

by bcrxing on September 25, 2012

wait so maybe i like girls too ?

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August 24, 2012

by bcrxing on August 24, 2012

such a mistake. i gave up a summer with you for what i dont even know. im happy we found each other again. i need you in my life and im happy you feel the same way. im so happy we love each other still. and i like our arrangement. that last night together was ahmazing. youre so sweet.

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