idk why i let myself get close to people. they always find a way to hurt me. whether it be behind my back or to my face they find a way. im tired of hurting. of being hurt. if you're my friend, be my friend. dont talk shit about me behind my back. i thought we grew out of that middle school behavior.

maybe i was wrong

im about to implode. and you just make it worse

fuck.

Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken Scheiße ficken

i just made a huge decision. its not perminant but its big. and i know that you will disagree but this is my choice. this is his choice. no one elses. and i hope u understand that. i dont want you to be disappointed or upset because it is going to happen eventually. and he said he wud understand if i changed my mind which could happen. and im partially hoping it does. this is a big step. and think im ready. i hope im ready.

i told him last night abotu a secret i've kept from everyone for about 3 months. at first he didnt say anything and then he said "i want to help you get through this". thats it. and to be honest, no one can "get me through this". it is what it is. it will be what it will be.adn thats that

i have been replaced. thank you

im so worried. i think his bulimea is back. or he's seriously ill. no one basically pukes their guts up everyday adn is fine. he wont listen to me. i told him to go to the doctors. but he wotn listen. and im scared. and im worried. i dont want to see him hurting himself or being hurt by something else

what scares me is that he says this has happened before which is why its ok. that does not make it okay. that makes it worse and more serious.

you're always out with him. you always talk about him. you say you love me, yet you hardly make ANY time for me. i get my hw done because you say you will call me. then you tell me you were out with him and youre doing your hw now. im not something you can just push aside. i am your girlfriend. i am a person. i dont expect to be pushed aside

idk what to do. this is driving me crazy and im not in control. i can't fix this. and im scared. i dont like not having control, especially of something like this. i need it to stop. i need it all to just stop

i knew this was going to happen. i opened up and i got hurt. its what always happens. and he wudnt listen to me when i said that. when i said that if i opened up i would get hurt. he didnt believe me. and now im more hurt than ive been in a long while. idk where its going to go from here. but i know where its not going. and i know whats not going to happen. and if thinks that any of it is going to happen now hes mistaken. this might be that last chance. i just hoped it wud take more than a week for this.

fucking son of a bitch. just because u are the fucking devil does not mean im going to pay you just to live in my own fucking house. you disgust me. every last fucking part of you makes me want to believe that im adopted. how the hell could i possibly be related to you? youre a fucking monster. you dont deserve anyone. you dont deserve your children.

you do deserve however to rot in hell.

one more chance is all he gets.

if he screws this one up its over for good. no more second chances.no more promising me the world. i let you back in. dont screw it up

i like it when youre stable


i had a mental break down. i locked myself in the bathroom for 30 min and just cried. i couldnt do anything else.

with you telling me im costing you hundreds of dollars and you'd rather i didnt live with you, to just moving in general, adn having a lisence and not beign able to drive bc no one wants to take responisbility for me. to failing german and to you breaking your promises. everything is piling up at once and my emotions are on over load and i cant deal with it.

i chipped a fucking bowl and you freaked out. thank you for bringing this on. i appriciate it

you know how important he is to me dad and to say i cant even hang out with him for an hour or two the night before psats, i just cant believe it. you see your gf almost every day and i can only see james at school. its been that way for almost 2 months. and you say you know its hard adn that you get it. you dont. i may only be 16, and i may want to wring his neck sometimes or break up with him, but when you know how much this means to me and you still say no, it makes it hard to look at you.

i need to get out of here. i have to go someplace im loved adn wanted. and its not here. it never will be.

friday was 2 years. he moved out 2 years ago. and yeah i say its better this way. but it hurts to not remember what being a family is like. i try so hard to remember waking up every morning and finding both of you there adn i cant. i cant remember.

every night for the past week, i've cried. even when you guys were sleeping over i cried. im putting on a brave face. im trying to be strong but i cant always hold it together

the house is going on the market tomorrow. i dont wanna move. this house is the only thing remaining of my family. if we move it truly is over.

"in our family portrait we look pretty happy let's pretend let's act like it comes naturally"

P!INK concert tonight was absolutly amazing.

oh yeah. and fuck you. when something youre saying upsets my friend, damn right im going to say something. she was upset and if i "screamed" its cuz we're at a fucking concert. jeezus christ. and u know what? u werent trying to tlak ot me. when t wanted a picture and she asked if u wud smile u said no. so if thats not "sulking" then idk what is. but if u get mad wen i stand up for myself when u call me stupid then idk. i shudnt have to defend my intelligence to one of my best friends who shud have heard me all the other times i said to stop before having to get into an argument over it. like seriously. u say u hate when ppl say ur stupid. u do the same fucking thing and im tired of it. no more shit from anyone. im done.

you will never be part of my life again. as far as im concerned, ur as related to me as im related to a fucking alien.

35

this isnt the last

once again you've replaced me even after you said i was the only one who cared

hes gone. idk where. idk when he will be back. im terrified. i just want him here with me.

ugh
been doing hw since 9:30 am. its now 11:45 and im still not done.

comformation shit at 1,
softball practice at 2
work at 4
yippeeeee

rly tired
kinda pissed ben didnt kiss me in the rain yesterday, but when we said goodbye he held me so tight, it was like he didnt want to let go=]. we kissed inside instead. i love him.

k
byee

its been a while.

hi.

lifes ok.
school started last week. yippee. grade 10. fun fun fun

still with bf. 8 months on monday. friends bday tomorrow.

hanging out with Bf and friends to nite. yay.
maybe we'll make out? lets hope *crosses fingers*

uhhhhh
yeah
ok
byee

i can no longer write in my previous journal b/c too many people have the link.

so lets see
history:
parents divorce.
fight a lot
friends with a back stabbing, 2-faced liar. yipee

im a negative person
im pesimistic.
if u dont like it, then dont read it.