Holy shit, I just got home from Sephora at Pembroke Gardens, but
Holy shit. Ok, here it is. I was in the car listening to big105.9, which, by the way, plays a little harder, more classic rock like Guns N Roses, Bob Dylan, Aerosmith, Steve Miller Band, etc etc. Not even Metallica or The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 93rock's in charge of that. So, you get the picture. The staion my dad listens to. And I was jamming along to Welcome to the Jungle but then it ended. By now, I'm fueled up and ready for some more yelling and semi head-banging. But then something happened that shoked the fuck out of me.
Green Day came up.
tuh tuh tuh. -or however scary music sounds to you-.

Green Day? Green Day sounds too young for 105.9.
Maybe it's that they look like 19-year-olds or the type of music they play.
But, for either reason, Green Day doesn't belong in big1059. Period.

School starts in TEN days and I'm soooooo excited. Somewhat like the first day of 6th grade -kill me now-, but this is so much different. Because then I was excited that I was going "to be much older". Or some bullshit like that.
But now, it's different. It's obviously a new place. People make such a big deal about it. "Back in my high school years, my hair was like WHAM, can you believe it?!" "High school makes the best years of your life" "I fooled around too much in high school" "my high school friends were so funny".
Blah blah. I'm not that excited about that. HHAG.
I don't even know what I'm excited about.
My brain's forgetting things a lot easier than in my meat-eating days. Or is it just me?

Anyway, I finished reading Animal Farm for DASH the day before yesterday. It made me cry somewhere towards the end. Boxer tried to get out of the slaughter van but strength had left him. He was ill and was supposed to go to the hospital, which the pigs promised, but he was obviously. AHH. I hate this. And I understand the book's about slavery, but how the hell? The beginning made me nod to every single sentence because I so thought it was about animal rights. But then Napoleon took over the farm and, at the end, -not spoiling anything, really. you could just see it coming- Clover couldn't tell the difference between man and pig. The End.
And I started Speak last night. It's about how horrible high school is. lol, I really wouldn't make my incoming freshmen read this if I were the principal. It's mostly about how everything in highschool's intimidating except art. Bullshit. Art's intimidating, too. Faggots. -not to you, DASH. Just the book in general-. Like, this girl -Melinda- scores in art every single time without trying. WHAT?
Art is hard. It's supposed to be. It's not really "a game". It's scientifical and it's philosophical. It doesn't have to be stressful and tense. But it's definitely not a game of tic-tac-toe.
ARGH.
It can be a game. But not the type of game the book describes it as. The girl picked out some Thanksgiving dinner bones and got a barbie head and sticked it in the middle of the pile of bones.
hm?
and then she put tape over the Barbie's lips. I kinda liked that, though. Even though it's very unoriginal. But it's eye-catching.
"Pain."
In my opinion, negative feelings are very easy to use to get people's attention. I think it's because "philosophy" is a natural thing for "geniuses" and they're very "deep in thought", therefore "serious", and "no time to laugh", which gives the impression they're "sad".
So people get the feeling blues and gray are more interesting than pinks and reds. Maybe my theory -theory!- is wrong but people are definitely attracted to "sad" paintings easier.

Maybe I don't like the Barbie sticked to the turkey bones because I really really really don't like that type of art (messy and unclean).
I was checking some blogs earlier and I came accross some SCENE ART!
whattttt?
ugh. scene "art". And, just as I predicted, it was horrible. Hhooorible.
I sure felt much, much better about my drawing. Which probalby has gone down over the days of now practice. But it's still there.

OMG!
I made some tofu buffalo wings some days ago and it was mind-blowin'. lol.
And I made some chili con tofu yesterday made up by me and just creating as I went but that was really good too. I'm gonna go have it now, actually. And I took out my loving Chamo for a walk earlier too. I love him so much <3

Maria got a D60.
D60D60D60D60
(lol, i'm making that a habit of mine).
She only takes pictures of herself. Which makes them bad.
The composition is boring with herself centered and once I commented, "whoa, this is monocromatic! cool."
and she replied, "I never noticed.."
hm?
a good photographer notices, alright. A good photographer intends to pain the image blue.
And when she does shoot like a car, water, the floor (wtf. but she really did do that once), etc, she always ends up in the picture either as a reflection or a shadow.
And I have a D60 also. Which might make you think I think my photographs are better than hers. And they probably are, when there are photographs. I never shoot anymore and I don't take it everywhere like I used to.
People looked at me and they knew a big, huge part about me.
"Wow, she likes photography -therefore art-."
I don't like strangers to know that!
Rub me the right way baby.
I'm being hypocritical because you're probably a stranger and know my whole life and thoughts and feelings.
It's like I'm a little girl just waiting to get raped. An open book that makes it all easy. Almost tells you instructions on how to get to my house, get to my school, tame my dogs, etc.
I'm not, I just like having journals and maybe people find me interesting.

I've been confused about things lately. Like thisss.
"I'm not, I just like having journals and maybe people find me interesting. "
"I don't like strangers to know that!"


O. I had to tell Chris I was a lesbian so he'd just leave me alone. Maybe he didn't like me before but I really like to make sure.
And I'm not a lesbian.
I'm mean :(

"I moved out."
"Where?"
"With my gf"
"O."

Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat
I'm not jealous. I'm really not. It's just so strange. Lawrence. Living with a girl. Any girl. Including me. Right now. This young.
Maybe I din't know the guy he really is, like with gf and all. Like the more mature guy. I doubt he's living with her allllone, but still.. Is this the same story as my mom's&dad's? Maybe even the common story?
Ok, enough with the bullshit.
..Is she preggo?

"you're all i ever wanted, we could do it real big, bigger than you ever done it"

just breaks my heart.
"every single time, i say, you the fuckin best."

Lawrence called the other day while I was at bk with Mariah, Caro, and Gaby. I didn't answer but whatever. I texted later that night a hi but it was kinda late. 1:09 AM but what the fuck? really?
I'll call him, I'll sneak out with him after school starts and I meet someone. Then I won't want him as bad and he won't manipulate me that easily.
WHAT? What am I saying? It's like I'm fine with it until I really think about it. Just like Chris. I'd think it was all cool 'til 20 just popped into me and it felt strange. It felt like wtf, he's 20. 20 20 20 20. 6 years, Janie.
Haidy & her crew left this morning and I sure will miss them. Terribly. Haidy was soo funny, even if they weren't deep.
Jennifer got a PSP and I was kinda like whoa! lol, it looked real shiny and I know I got everything else but whatever. My backpack arrived like the day before yesterday. It's so pretty! Maybe not worth $42 but it's so pretty. I wanted the Bright Eyes badge but I couldn't find it. And Harry Potter'd be cool too.
Gaby took this amazing picture of Caro and I. I'll post the link sometime, 'ight?
k, byee. <77

I love The LittleBigPlanet, it{s so cool. I have a buunny costume with bunny ears, bunny tail, white print, pink cat nose, black eyes, sharp lion teeth, and i wanted cool glasses but Jennifer took them and wtf I didn{t want to be like her.
We're calling Nick and letting him know that we've made our desicion.
And I have to go to barnes and Noble today and buy my books to read. I can't wait till I do anything that has to do with DASH.

Hi! Guess what.
I got into DASH/!
They called today while I was at Forever21 and my mom told me and I was soo excited!
I went to Main St with Mariah, Gaby, and Katie and we had pizza (except me). We just sat in front of the hotel and talked and we played arcade. I didn't have time to get reday so I looked like a piece of shit that had just gone runnin.g
I watched Coraline! Yeah, it was really good. About DASH.. It's not the same AS if I'd gotten in like first. Because it's like they'rwe giving me what's left. But whatever, of course I'm still extremely happy. What the hell do you think prom would be like at DASH? I know I've asked this before but, hey! Now I'll know. And I texted Anuez and he was like, "Yeah, I know," which made me think, "wtf." Butttt he probably got the job there and made the lady put me in or something. Which kinda makes it worseee! Hmph.
Oh Lawrence called yesterday.
The voicemail was kinda like,
"Hey we haven't talked in a couple days and I just wanted to drop by and say hi and I miss you. Bye, love you."
And then we talked because I called him back and it was like two minutes but half was long and awkward silences made by me. I really had a lot to say but I didn't want it out. I mean, the silence could explain so much more than I could with words. He ended our phone call with, "I'll call you tomorrow or in a couple days because I'm going to the movies and then to sleep."
Then Chris R. tried giving me advice about it and that ticked me off because I really don't need it. I know what to do with my fucking life!
Best I ever had reminds me of Lawrence sooo much. Because "and everytime I say, you the fuckin best you the fuckingg best."
And it's the music his girlfriend got him into lately so. okay. Metallica is so much better. I mean, seriously, Lil' Wayne? Wtf.
These are just theories, "not to be confused"

I just came home last night from Orlando and Tampa. We went to Busch Gardens, Magic Kingdom, Islands of Adventure & Universal, and Blizzard Beach.
I tried listening to them talk but it was nothing interesting, just gossip. And besides, I didn't want to hear the death counts, the kidnapping stories, and things like that because it made me sad but I couldn't sleep right. Maybe it was because I had the stupid dress on or because I was sitting up. Whatever it was, I ended up with a backache. I need to have good friends next year. Like actually good and interesting people I can have actually good and interesting conversations with. I loved that about gaby, she was kinda like that. Or at least she pretended to, but it worked. My hairdresser cut my bangs tooo short! They're not like holy shit but I definitely wanted them longer. It was my fault 'cfause they looked longer because they were wet. And Jennifer's really cute & nice. She talks so fast! she doesn't eat like anything. She's so skinny.

But another question arises
Why are fat people so obsessed with KungFu Panda?
I just know Nick and Lawrence and I haven't watched the movie but..
I don't know. Lawrence isn't fat anymore though.
Drugs.
Ahha Nick just tries to sound cool.

This is getting kinda long and I'm having problems loading it but okay.
The shirt I'm wearing reminds me of my grandma.
I've been thinking about her a lot recently. Like, she taught me how to braid. That's one out of many. And she would bake spinach bread with me which I know sounds digusting but it really wasn't. Haidy & her hubby & her two kids come in today at like midnight. Yay! My parents (mostly my dad) has been hiring people to do the "garden". I think it looks quite ok. I mean, I kept on telling them we had to have native flowers in our garden but all we have is Pentas. Okkk.
They're so common. I really wanted some Holly-something tree which is native -of course- and blooms red in the winter, just in time for the holidays. Soo cute. I had to cut my nails short because I tried doint them square and I gave up about it.



If you regurarly read my journals, please reply to this one & let me know why. Thanks.

ps. Michael Jackson died! :(

No, they probably don't have a perspective eye, they have whiskers.

Carolina left to her home not long ago, we watched Once. It was great. I was thinking of Conor half the time.
:}

So Lawrence isn't using me. He really does like me but he likes every girl there is in the world. I'm getting a haircut soon, but definately not as short. Like this, actually.
http://www.marieclaire.com/cm/marieclaire/images/xT/MCX1207FA101038-md.jpg
and I just did my nails nude, super cute. I really want a certain backpack from AA. It's so pretty! But it's $42 and it's very simple, so my parents -and I- are having thoughts about it. But I'll still get it.

I absolutely hate pumpkin seeds. Ew.

The mall was great today, I bought a top that I'm wearing now and stole a headband. I thought there was an fye at Aventura but I guess not.
I had NO idea there was another hole by your vaginal opening. Holy shit I swear, I was clueless.

I said I wanted to go home yesterday night. I kinda did.. In my dream. I had the most vivid, realistic dream I've had in a while last night. I snuck out with Lawrence. He gave me like a fruitbar or something. I doubt he was drugging me, but then we were in a white room and he was sitting on a chair by the bed which is was on. Then a guy came in and we had sex, then a girl came in and wanted sex too but I had to go to the bathroom so I said I'd be back. By the time I came back, she was with another girl so I just sat with Lawrence. I was okay with it, being either his pornstar or his hoe. But, then, I didn't realize that. I just saw it like something else. When we had to ride in his car, I had to ride under the car hanging on to the engine and such. It was uncomfortable but I could bear it. I once heard him saying, "He'll give it to you like brand new but it's gonna start fucking up on you.."
And we were at a concert or something but I don't remember that too well. When I was getting home already, it looked really bright. The clouds were dancing above us and the sun was shining its sunlight nice & bright. Like a beach day. So I ask Lawrence what time it is and he says it's noon. I start to flip out but he tells me all I have to do is slip back into my bed.
He was serious about it all. He wasn't my friend. He was more like a co-worker.

I'm gonna go shower now, it's Carolina's birthday.,

"Denis, shut up or you'll get her scared!"

My parents and I just talked about Chris. My dad can't take it.
"I knew this would happen, Janie."
"And then you'll want to have sex."
"You'll end up pregnant by 16."
I really do like him. It's not like, whoa, but I want to know him. And I doubt that's why I'm crying. It's just that my dad can't fucking take it.
"And you're ahead of your age, Janie!"
"Then what do you want me to do? Rewind myself?"

I want to go home.

I'm.
My heart feels so heavy. I don't know if it's my throat or heart or everything, but something feels not right. My tears feel heavy too, wanting to fall. They've been going out since before we broke up. They started the day before he turned 17. How could he do this to me?
He's such a good actor.
I can't deny it, I still like him. A lot.
I don't want to talk to him but I do because I want him to bandage me with his lies.

The concert was amazing! Chris D. blew kisses at us and he waved :)
Lawrence just called.
:&

Me and Chris are going out sometime soon. I don't want to sneak out with him, though. He's not the typa person. Hehe.

Today's been laundry day for me and more stuff day. Like, my mom's been sleeping all day because of her toothache.
Smile like you mean it. I'm going to some nevershoutnever! concert tomorrow. It's not like I'm crazy for it, just Michelle asked me out and I'm always up for things.

I got a 76 on my Module one exam. That's, like, horrible. But my teacher still needs to grade three more questions worth 4 points each. I messed up on the stupidest thing ever. I better pay more attention.
Bummer.

besides, I have an 89.something in geometry thanks to my great efforts making that architectural design. Yay, bitchezz!

I drew today. I went up again, 113. This is so fucking weird. Even if I am growing up, I don't grow up in a week. However, it was 114 before. So I guess you have to drop one pound at a time. I had some berry sorbet this morning, like Carolina had told me about a long ass time ago. Exept I added peanut butter. And I had some pomegranade juice, yumm. It was Father's Day and Cludia and I made some lasagna and some Italian salad for him. It was so good. And I could have the lasagna too because we made it with mushroom instead of meat. I went on walks today because I want to lose some fucking weight. I don't feel fat but I can't accept me at 114. Noo.
Anywayy.
Happy Father's day, Anuez. I miss you. I drew today, Anuez.
I miss you. I drew a drag queen theme with Betsey Johnson perfume, some lipstick, and nail polish. I wasn't really thinking about you when I was drawing, I was thinking of my drawing. But now I don't know why and I am. I know you read these, so happy Father's Day.
It's not like the drag queen theme has to do with you or anything, but I was just remembering the good old days of you making me cry before the audition. I still don't think it was good for me but I miss that too.
I hope I befriend your son next year, Miguel.

Claudia's daughters, like, really spoiled.

I went to the nutricionist yesterday. It was horrible. She made me feel stupid and, weak me, cried. She was nice, then mean, then nice. She tried explaining the food chain to me.
"and you know nothing of biology"
Maybe I don't. But when I do, I'll still be the way I am.
That's all I have right now.

I went down three pounds, by the way.
111.
What the fuckk. So I'm not pregnant.

Omg! I have an 80.9 in geometry! Whooooooo!
Yipeee.
<3

"Why did I lie, I'm so sorry
I know I hurt you, I know I hurt you."

I really miss Mariah. Today was the last day of camp. I eat so much food in there. I think I just gained like 3 more pounds.
I just checked, I'm at 113. I used to be a 108 like last week. It's also because I'm getting my period soon. But maybe I'm pregnant.
That'd be great.

I love how space and time come hand in hand.
"Someone is calling my name in the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game in the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around down the same streets that I did."

My parents took away my cellphone/
:/

i got a virus in my computer so I haven't been on lately. Camp's over tomorrow. We went to Cancun's today, like we do every other year. Claudia's been sleeping over because her hubby left.

Chris..
I like Chris so muchh. I really want to go to the movies with him. He's reserving Up! for me. lol. He lives near Aventura. He said he was going to Aventura Mall and I asked why and he said, "Oh, no I'm not. I'm just telling you I live close to it."
I told him it's my favorite mall and he said, "Then I guess that's where we'll watch Up!"
I did my nails silver. I don't like it. I'm doiong a blueprint for Geometry. And, me, perfectionist, can't finish because the lines don't add up to the vanishing point. I'm doing a girl's nails tomorrow, red. Her name's Caroline and she's my favoirte. She's in my group. Sam didn't come this year. There's a girl, Kelsy, that looks a lot like her but it's not her. I don't like Kelsy, she's too smart and mean. Kinda like a know-it-all exept she's like seven and doesn't know anything.

Hurts. I start camp tomorrow. I'm kinda exited and I'm kinda not. I want to hang out with Sarah but I don't want to wake up early and not study. Not drink my two glasses because I'll forget. I'll probably wear eye liner. Honors Geometry's kinda hard. Certain problems. Maybe we'll play Guitar Hero at camp. I want to see our new shirts. I hope they're a pretty color like they were last year.
My parents are being bitches.
I'd like to go to Camp Manatee but I don't want to make up reasons for my mom. And, besides, I know she's right.
Lawrence isn't the main reason I want to go. I actually liked it. I miss Karol. I wonder if Lawrence still has real feelings for me. Like, if I died. What if I die?


I'll die.

Seriously? I have no life.

My parents threw a surprise birthday party for me. Worst, I had to choose my own birthday cake. But my mom ended up choosing it for me because the one I chose was too small and. I slept of Michelle's the night before last. We walked around the neighborhood and set up my own playlist for the party that I didn't know of. When we were walking around, there was this house that had shutters on every sinlge window and two of the same cars but blue and red. That was realloy weird. And as we're walking to the community club, some guy sticks his head out the window and starts doing rabies-infected-dog noises. Really loud. Then we back down here and we go to that concert. We leave to Barns and Noble and come back. The concert was screamo. I would've thought I wouldn't like it because I was expecting more of Bloc Party wannabes but I actually enjoyed it. Then we went to Publix and my mom had a whole lot of junkfood and I was starting to get mad at her because she's been off lately. We're not a junkfood family. Then they told me, Michelle, her mom, my mom and M's sister. I was very mad at my mom. I didn't show it, though. I didn't want to be a brat in front of M's mom. So I just choked my tears and went to choose my cake. Then we went home to the dock and everyone came. Michelle got me a vegan cookbook. That was my favorite present because it was what I wanted the most. We tried to play chicken but then just hung out in my room. I wish Yaniel would've comed. My mom didn't know his stupid goddamn number, though. I didn't enjoy myself that much. I liked being with my friends but it was really big. Bigger than what I like. Summer colors everywhere.
I like it simple.
no ballons, no cake.
But whatever.
GUESS WHATTTTT.
I got the fucking canoe for my birthday!
:)
I'm going canoing later when I'm done with Geo. I'll probably ask Mariah over.
I finished reading my book. Pru died. A man murdered her. Someday, I'll write in my favorite words. For now, though..

"Say cheese."
"She was a poet."
Just took my breath away and I had to take my stops and
take it easy, slowride. Love nothing.

I snuck out last night. His stepsisters were spending the night there and they were sleeping in the couch so we had to be extra quiet. Nothing new, really. He wasn't mean this time. We were friends.
He had a letter from his girlfriend on his gecko sanctuary. It said all this clingy but cute stuff. "...special..you're my hero...my.. my everything..forever mine..love, Kayleigh."
It was yellow and the pen was a bright blue. She has bubbly handwriting. Some chonga something was writen along the way. You know, the way Jessica wrote my name on that Hello Kitty pencil case in 6th grade. I don't know why I'm explaining this.
"So unclean, so unlike me. I hope I never figure out who broke your heart"
I hope they don't end up married.. She's not right. I don't want us to get married either but she's not right.

Chris makes me smile.
Lawrence doesn't anymore. He's just there.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
This could be an opportunity
This could be an opportunity
If you promise to let it, if you promise to let it grow
If you promise to let it, if you promise to let it grow

The Effects of Light argues that there are no straight lines in nature, duh. Ignoring horizons. These aren't things you can actually touch, you know?
But it follows a more interesting thought. What about homo sepiens. Or however it's spelled. When the straight line was brought in, it had a great effect on them. The eye is not born with the training of linear perspective. In the book it says perspective as a whole but I think being more specific is needed because there's other types of perspective people learn besides linear. I doubt people are born with the knowledge of perspective, but I have to look that up. But, anyway, I thought it was very interesting when I read that they didn't draw lines in their drawings. It says it's not a lack of sophistication but it's philosophycal or something. Yes, I have to reread it all but it's extremely interesting.
I can't believe I get so exited about minimal things like this, lol.
& I'm out! :)


I wonder if other animals have a perspective eye.

I miss Miguel P so much.
:(
I want to talk to him. He was so damn wise!
And he drew, he drew well.

My mom got me birthday flowers yesterday. It's ok. They're pretty. But I think that's selfish. I'm not criticizing my mom, just humans in general when they do this. It's selfish because you're taking something beautiful from nature and not giving anything back. You're killing a beautiful flower for your enjoyment. You don't need the flower. We go back to taking more than we need. That's an universe law. Don't take more than you need.
I would be so happy if she gave me plants to plant, though. That would make a good present. I think I have enough and I think I'm ready to give. I feel ready to give. But how can someone as young as me possibly be ready to give? I haven't had key experiences in my life to be ready. I'm not even a quarter through my life. Think about it.
"You silly little girl."

Explosive body like TNT<333

"You silly little girl."
This really makes me stop. Maybe because I'm scared of Lawrence seeing me as a silly little girl. And I know I don't care & I actually kinda like it. Once he said to me, "once you're in high school, you'll understand."
That blew me off.
I said, "Grow up, Lawrence!" not noticing what I was really feeling/thinking/saying.
Buttttttt maybe it's because Miguel P. saw me as a silly little girl too. The world may never now.

"So sexy on the bed we go.. blow me right out of this world!"

Omg yesterday I ran into Vo in Publix and I was holding a Cosmopolitan magazine. She saw.
lmao.

Miguel's flirting too had with me. It's not cool.

Omg! I have a date with Chris this weekend! Yayyyyyyy!
(:
Well it's not "on" but he asked me out. My parents might not let me, though. He's 20 today. But, holy, I want to go so bad! We'd watch Up!. Michelle came over in the morning, we made origami stars and then we baked a cake. Then I went to Mariah's and it was boring. My mom got me gummy worms for my birthday. Go figure.
Everytime she hears me telling people this, she says, "It has your name on the wrapper!!"
It does & my name's pretty rare but gummy worms? At least let 'em be gummy bears. I don't really want anything though. I'm happy the way I am. I want to learn. I want a submission to art classes for the whole summer. But they're some real money.
Ok, this is my schedulee.
Tomorrow- Nothing.

Thursday- Jessica's house then beach with Jess and some of her friends & her sister's. I sneak out that night with Lawrence, my birthday treat. He should really get me gummy worms.

Friday- Nothing, Mariah's mom's class. Then maybe Main St with Chris.

Saturday- That concert.

I feel so popularrrrrrr haha. People that said happy birthday:
(in order)

Michelle (midnight)
Lawrence (this morning around 8)
Julieta
Mary
Carolina
Haidy
Jessica
Gaby O<3
Chris
Mariah
Miguel
Gramma & David

And that's kinda it lol.
I like my close friends.
I love my close friends.
I'm so gay lmao

Yay! I'm 14.
Nah. I felt 14 like two years ago.
I always feel older. Like I'm not the right number.
The other day when I was with Lawrence, I said, "I'm only 14!"
I was 13 then. Anywayy
I think he remembered! He sent me a text saying, "morning."
It doesn't mean anything yet but whatever.
And Anuez says to live life step by step and to walk slowly, take my time. He says I go too slow.
I think I go too fast. Depends how you look at it, though.
In art, I go too slow in the way I don't practice as much as I could. But in the philosophy of it, I think I do fine. And then in academic subjects, I go real fast. In my social life, I do fine. In my love & sex life, I go a little faster than most. Geometry is the SHIT!
I'm going to take psycology after this. Then philosophy. Whne I'm done with french, which is next year, I'll take Japanese. Or master in french.
I like to learn. I like to know more things than others.
I'm quite competitive..

I'm finally reading a book. It's titled The Effects of Light.
It's pretty interesting, acutally. It has some great thoughts stuffed in there. It mainly focuses on the feeling/reaction/force art can convey. I had no idea. I thought it was nature-ralted. The cover looks all peaceful, like Au Revoir Simone and Explosions in the Sky. So I picked it out. I guess that's what I get for judging a book by it's cover.
Also, today, guess what. I hate it when people put question marks after they say guess what, because guess what isn't a question! I got a 64 o/100 on my first Geometry quiz. Way to goooo.
It was a pre-test though.
Still. I'm disappointed.
I really want to go to art camp. Really. Well, not art camp because that's for little babies. I'm not a baby anymore. I'm already four and I'm not a baby. Just kidding. But the camps around here are for little kids and I don't want to learn little kid stuff. How 'bout some still life? I think all I want is to get Anuez all for myself and me not being scared or intimidated by him. It really doesn't help me when he says bad things. Even if he's studied psycology and knows it helps me.
It doesn't.

Michelle bought the tickets for the concert today. She bought them for me. I'll pay her back.
I miss Mariah. I'm probably going to her house tomorrow or something. Or she's coming here because I have to clean up my house in the morning -new chore for $$- and my mom goes to work in the afternoon. Which kinda makes it complicated because we'd be home alone and my mom hates that.

What else, what else.
Oh yeah my mom is going to get mad because, well, I have to clean up my bedroom before she comes home which is in 30 minutes.
Lawrence & I haven't talked.
Hellogoodbye<33

Tomorrow's Chris' birthday. That whore better chat me up today.
(:
I started my virtual geometry school today. Next week I'm volunteering at that GS camp. I miss Mariah & all my friends.
I had an orthodontist appointment today. My little circles are green.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
Ok.

Today's Lawrence's birthday! :) woot.

toot toot toot tut too tup tu!
It's great not getting caught.
Everything's normal. My mom did great at work yesterday. I'm glad.
Michelle's coming over today. I'm excited because the water level's really high at my lake, making it easier for us to touch the water on the dock.

So, my parents and I were looking through some old summer pictures in the computer when Lawrence and I pop out. Oh my god that was so awkward. Because I know what happened last night. Maybe they didn't feel uncomfortable because they don't know. And it was a slideshow so I had to wait some long 5 seconds before it changed to another picture of Lawrence riding his bike next to Scott.
FML.
Just kidding. About the FML part.
GAYY.

I did sneak out last night. I left at 1:30AM. We went to his place.
I asked for water when we were in his room and he goes outside and brings two bottled waters for me and him. He puts his legs under mine and my water bottle ends up touching his leg and he says, "Janie, you don't think that's cold?!" or something like that. He pulls my shirt up and puts his water bottle against my stomach and I pull his shirt up and put my water bottle under his stomach. I got closer to him when doing this and we magically started making out. He ended on top of me and took off my clothes.
He saw the Happy Birthday♥ message I wrote for him right above my pelvic bone. He smiled. I think. Then blah blah he eats me out, fingers me and then I gave him head. Then we grinded some and then we tried 69. It was so much better than I thought it would be, the 69. It felt like real sex. We didn't, by the way. He really wanted to but I didn't. Actually, I really do want to but I don't want him to take me. I gave him a handjob and tried really hard to make him cum but gave up and told him to finish himself up, which he did.
Um then he cummed on me.
After that, he went to his little 1st-floor balcony for a smoke while he looked inside at me on his bed naked.
We were completely naked, did I mention that? I think that was my favorite part.
I started to put on my clothes and we went back to his car to drive around.
He was being a bitch after that. We went to Taco Bell and he got a whole lot of shitload.
He dropped me off and drove off, didn't even ask for a kiss.
I don't know what pissed him off.
I asked him why he only talked to me when he wanted to see me.
He said, "that's not true," as he turned down the radio.
He backed that up with him not having his cellphone for a week, etc. I don't really believe him. I didn't want an explanation. I just wanted to let him know that I don't like it and that we should be friends. With benefits, if he wants.
I really thought I was going to get caught because I ironed my hair, shaved, shaved, and shaved. So that would get them suspicious. But I didn't. Unless they're pretending.

I had my S.S. and Algebra I finals today. I aced that shit.
Except simplifying square roots because she didn't fucking go over that. But I got an A for sure on both. YAYMATH! Haha great help<3

I'm probably sneaking out tonight. I was thinking of writing Happy Birthday right below my belly button but ehh. I really wanted to make him an origami cupcake but I couldn't find the instructions.
Oh well.

There was a food fight in the cafeteria today. I was involved but didn't get in trouble.
I went to TECH yesterday. Gayest school in the world.

I have a crush on an HML guy, he's so cuteeee. I've seen him three times already. Once, he was crossing the street, then I saw him at McDonald's, and today at Quizno's. He smiled at me today, that type of flirty smile. He looks like a player from how smooth he was but his appearance didn't show it.
He has like a short beard. You know, he looks A LOT like Chris from New World.
Hmm.

It's fucking raining! Omg, it's like the Sun listened to me and got a little closer to us and made it rain. OMG!
It's raining, like really very extremely super extra awesoly hard.
And hail was falling for some seconds.
HAIL! It's because of that depression in Cuba. But it's RAININGGG!
:D
Yay the garden will love this.

I've thought of the karma "hypothesis", "theory", whatever.
It's really true. My dad and I were talking about what karma meant and after a few minutes of me explaining him the actual definition(s), I thought about what's behind it and how does it scientifically work out. If you give love, you get love. If you give hatred, you get the same. No matter how small or large, you do. Because that that you've given out is passed around and, sooner or later, it'll come back to you. I told him that and he stopped and listened. I felt proud of myself.
I love it when I think.
"to think is to weave ideas together."

"The universe throws away nothing."
Which backs up my thought of reincarnation.
Energy is never lost, it is transferred.
Matter is never lost, it is transferred.
So you might just find your great gandfather in your backyard as a beetle, a plant, and a bacteria. Depending on how much energy he had. And matter.
My dad and I went to walmart yeasterday and got some canadian worms. :)

..look for.
Ok, so. Eh today was kinda boring but I have something important to write about. I understand better now.
How "you should only take what you need"
and how indians ask themselves if they really need to kill an animal before they kill it.
I used the word "need" twice in the last two sentences and I think that's interesting.
Going shopping for jewelry because you just got payed is something pretty.
Recycling is something beautiful.
Do you really need to go out and buy Tous jewelry for me because you just got payed? And then come home too tired to help me order out the recycling bins that you messed up?
Maybe use that paycheck money you were going to use to buy the bird necklace to fund for animal rights or enviromental restorations and what not.
It doesn't mean anything. The earrings don't mean anything.
"Everything that glitters isn't gold."
Or something like that.
I think this will bring me true happiness. Everlasting.
Hellz yeah, bitch. lol.
But isn't that what we all crave for?
Heaven, success, money, sex, kids, food, etc?
Maybe this is just the way I am
but I like it.

Probably going to that Hippie Fest on Sunday with Gaby and possibly Jessica.
I've noticed I don't say thank you often. It's not like I'm rude. I mean it, but I guess my way of speaking is not through words. My dad cooked that bigmouth we caught the other day for me. It was alright, really young. Um, what else, what else. We dissected the frogs in science today. That was extremely fun. William was my partner and we -I- kicked ass! I took the eyeballs out and dissected one of them. I got mad at Mariah yesterday but we fixed it today at her house, we're cool now. I was supposed to go to that Junior Society thing today but, er, my cat passed away -I forgot-.
I hope she doesn't get mad and if she does, that's my excuse.
I have evens tomorrow. Wish me luck! Even though I don't need it at all.
Yay, art.
Oh, art club. It was just another day.
"I'm just a question knowing my answer, hope I'm wrong."
We didn't do much, but Anuez intimidate me once more.
He showed me the art process in a timeline type of thing. Da Vinci was at about 1/30 and Picasso 1/70. Of course, he's probably wrong.
And my dad and I washed the van at a car wash today.
I love my dad.
i love the world.
& love is all you need.

I want to spend the rest of my life or at least meet someone/something:

That is inspiring to me and is beautiful. Someone with ideas and a way of thought. Someone interesting. Someone intelligent, intellectual, and smart. Someone that understands important matters. Someone who listens. An artist; Can be visual, musical, scientific, anything. Someone that loves themselves. Someone as mature as me. Someone deep but shallow enough for me to grow tall enough to step on its floor. Someone that can make me smile. Someone that gives me true happiness. Someone that understands me as much as possible. Someone that I can carry a good conversation with. Someone that pays attention to the world around them. One that loves nature. Someone that loves me inconditionally. Someone that thinks I'm hot but knows I'm beautiful. Someone that can take a joke and can make a joke.

"Papa, when you die, can we still come to Bandar's place to ski?"

I had my L.A. final today. I didn't go to art or enviro club. I finished reading that Da Vinci book I was reading. There was some interesting stuff in there.
Today Michelle made me realize that no one understands me entirely but I think Mariah and Gaby understand me the best next to myself. Of course, this also has to do with how well you know the person you're to understand. Da Vinci wrote that an artist was the man who accomodated things to his own mind.
Or something like that. I really have to check it out and understand it better. According to Da Vinci, visual art is the best way to understand life and the universe. Through the eye.
Da Vinci was a vegetarian and left handed, just like me.
I wish we were buddies.
I might go to some Hippie Fest this weekend at Greynold's with Jessica. I hope Scott and Eric show up. Maybe Lawre---not really.
I'm not trying to be like Da Vinci but I do take ideas. I'm not a vegetarian because he was and I'm not left handed because he was.
I'm not an artist because he said that it's the best way to understand.



I just love art.

I just got back from Prom at Don Shula's. I have to admit, it was pretty sick. Doors opened at 7:00 but you were due at 8:00. I got there 10 minutes to 8 with Michelle's mom, her sister, and Michelle. First they served the food which was a salad, then some chicken with mashed potatoes and a chocolate cake at the end. They anounced Eric and Daniella as prom king and queen, then the music started. It was gay at first but got better. My favorite dresses were Gaby's and Jazmyn's. I danced with almost everyone..
Alexandra said I better write about her in here.
So.. I think she's really nice to my face. And I'm sorry for calling her a slut because I really do like her even if she shits me behind my back. I'm not saying she does but just in case. Gaby & George are so cute.
Mariah looked super pretty. Carlos looked hot. Carolina looked really good too. I liked Katrina's dress. Some people were really over done pretending they were going to college next year. Like Katherine.
I wonder what prom prom would be like at DASH.
I WONDER.
I'm getting in next year, I really want this and I think I deserve it.

Once upon a time while I was sleepin'...
Lawrence lived very, very close to me and I would go over his house sometimes when my parents weren't home or I'd sneak out to his house. One day, I got caught because I'd left the window open and a truck passed by and its horn was very loud, which woke my parents up. My parents called me and for some reason my cellphone was set to loud so they also heard that outside. What I did from then on was run and run. I went to Lawrence's to hide. Then I figured it pointless and ran away more. I went to the McDonald's by my house and into a little passage. Mariah and Gaby joined me. We then went to that park that always shows up in my dreams, that same park that's huge and is like a jungle. The one that sometimes leads to Merida if you go the other way. So we go into the same park and I hear my parents behind me. I turn into a bird. Then into a butterfly. Then back to humans. We're in a building and there's all the sixth graders in art all over the place. We find a corner and Gaby makes a life-size paper boat, fill it with water and we all get in. I remember the water being beautiful and bluish and soft. Then UB comes and looks at us like we're crazy, and some little girl comes and she asks if she get come in too. We say it's only for people in our table. Later, we get out and walk some more. The houses looked like the ones where Michelle lives -probably 'cause we were talking about going to pick flowers with Michelle's at Michelle's for mother's day- and have to climb fences here and there. Then I was talking to UB but I don't remember what it was about, then I woke up.
I would've kept dreaming if it were my choice. It was a good dream.

"Bringas! Does everyone get that message when they message you?! Or did you set it up for me only?"
"Uh.. you're the only one that messages me!"
*everyone laughs*

That was very funny, lol. I'm sitting with Mariah and Nick tomorrow at prom.
OMFG, I'm so excited. Oh I got to question, like, #101 before losing.
:(
I miss Lawrence.

I did go dress shopping today and I did get a cool dress. It's navy and looks great with my skin. Mariah didn't go because she was at chuck.e.cheese with her "friends". Um.

I bought earrings and I bought black nail polish at CVS. I saw my mom working. I liked that. Now I'm doing Marra's project.
I want a date, a decent guy. I wish I was popular again.

Hey, baby baby boy!
I'm going dress-shopping today with Caro, Gaby, and Mariah.
Aventura Mall.
Then we'll probably watch a movie, something cool.
I have a couple things to do like Marra's project and Pineiro's project. I think he'll kill me, lol. I did lose my jumpdrive.

So he thinks I msgd his girlfriend telling her things like, "yr boo likes greek flavor better" -lmao- and, "yre not cute."
He doesn't think I did it because I told him so but someone did message her that. It obviously wasn't me. But that's messed up. Can't you just let couples be, like, happy?
(lol, Chris loves porn)

I feel bad for her. Lawrence loves her. He says. They're so cute.
:)
But he's turning 18 this month. I can not picture them married. I just can't, I dunno why. I guess it's because when I pictured him married, I pictured him with me. Stupid, I know. But still.

I;ve grown so much. I'm still a happy person but I've becomed so much more deeper.

Jessica was a real good friend. I miss her.

Party 'cause you know you gotta dance.
Oh, man.

I lost my fucking jumpdrive. Great. Chris will kill me.

Hello. I'm giving Anuez a lightbulb for the interview project. I'm so fucking late.
But I'm definately so much more balanced now, though. My art's coming out exellent and Ordaz loves me now.
These are my grades, I don't mean to brag. This is reality!:
Assignments
No. Description Due Date Category Grade Max Letter Comments
1 Tree Negative Space Technique Apr 3 4 4.000 A
2 Tree Negative Space Overall Apr 3 4 4.000 A
3 American Gothic Concept Apr 13 4 4.000 A
4 American Gothic Overall Apr 13 4 4.000 A
5 Basic Shapes (church) technique Apr 20 4 4.000 A
6 Monochromatic (church) Apr 20 4 4.000 A
4.00 A

OMFG! First! I have straight A's, aka a 100 in Ordaz' class!
Holy shit, that was a moment of happiness. Holy shit.

I'm in Paul's class again, but there's a sub. I'm doing my Weather Maps Assignment. I brought my camera to school today and took some pictures of the garden for the website Chris is making. I ran out of battery, though. Everyone was gone to that spanish field-trip.
I went fishing on Sunday and didn't catch anything. It was fun, the water was nice.
But I didn't catch anything. I have an oceanography text on Friday.
Help?!

I'm going to Sports Authority with my dad, he wants to buy a canoe. He's always commenting how it's useless to live by a lake and not have a boat. So, here we go. Then maybe Bass Pro? Because, you know. Can't leave that out.
Cheers.

My nails are so beautiful. They're pink and, well, perfect.
That "bubble gum pink"?
I prefer to call it cotton crush butt that's just me. You'd think bubble gum.
They're so perfect! Yay. & they're real, best part.
(:
I'm proud of myself.

I think I'm more talkable than other people in here are.
I can't believe fruits have so many pesticides and preservatives these days! Eww.
They're supposed to be organic. The taste's still in my mouth, ew.
I'm doing my french homework.
J'ai un petite probleme. Tu as une minute?

Ok, hi. Carolina named her cat Lua. I'm just so fucking proud of her!
(:
"Everything's a cycle."
Wow, Conor was right. It's like when you do really listen to someone speak, word by word. But you don't understand even though you think you do. So, even now, I may not understand. But I think I do. Everything in nature is a cycle. And if "you're supposed to see how nature does it", then it's all right here. Because everything in nature is a cycle and, well, you're part of nature.
Bodies can't be born and born and born and die and die and die.
It just doesn't happen because nature recycles everything. If you see how nature does it, we obviously should too.
Everything's part of everything and everything influenzes everything, everything's connected in every single way.
Um, I'm probably saying the most basic things ever. Whatever, not for me.
Like that movie Babel. That's a great movie. It captures exactly what I'm saying.
I went home with Mariah, then we went to Prayer Night, I got home and took a shower.
I'm going to the hospital again tomorrow.
I'm supposed to work with my parents. Not work work.
Just work as in teamwork. Teamwork because everything works together. But it's just not of my nature.
I wish Miguel was alive. I could talk to him,
he was so wise. We could share ideas and I wouldn't be afraid like I am of Anuez.

x_x
Hey, kid.
I'm in Paul's class and everyone's doing their own thing. I'm going home with Mariah. Nick Matos was just inj here, he's so CUTEE! (;
Ha.
So, anyway, I had a smoke-free video in Bonet's because of Nick, lol. Rebull. Um, yeah. I'm at school and using Chris' proxy. I'm kinda surprised it still works. The new guy sucks. Hannah's talking about volunteering at Shula's. I was going to but, eh, not anymore. If these kids are coming, then I'm not. I'm probably going to go to The Sunny Side of Highschool and then Manatee.
Aww.
Oh, I haven't talked to Lawrence.
I like Nick M. again, I don't think I ever stopped.

I went to work with my dad today. This morning I had a panic attack this morning, it as horrible. My dogs were barking at the bbq grill but I thought it was just a lizard at first, until they stasrted barking real loud. Then I got suspicious and decided to take a look under the grill's cover. As I was walkint towards it, I thought it was probably a garden snake, no big deal. But when I lifted the cover up a bit, this fat & long thing came out. I thought it was crawling because it went to fast. Mind me, I'd never seen a snake so big. Not even at the zoo. So there I was for two seconds, thinking I was going to die, cursing as loud as I could curse, when I see "it" climbing into the wood fence and into my neighbor's backyard.
Aw, cats are so cute!
NOT.
I'm back to my cat-hatin' days, forget this.
I even got my foot scratched up.
ha.

I'm at school. Chris gave me this proxy and it actually works. I'll use it often from now on to get on this site.
I cried in art today. I'm going to be all alone when I get to high school. Gaby's gone and Masriah's too. I can make new hang outs but they were my
friends.

HAPPY EARTH DAY, EVERYONE! <3

I have a sore throat from deepthroating Lawrence.
Why?!
Why do I have to do this? What's my benefit, huh?

ok, 2 kickass sites:
songmeanings.net
peta2.com
and
freeindie.com

<3

I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm not sad or mad or letting my teenager hormones take control. I'm happy. It helps to read other people's journals because you can basically read minds and see how people, expecially teenagers, work. That way I can view mistakes from another point of view and not make them. Kind of.
Because I usually learn the hard way.
But I'm happy.

"Baby, you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you
tonight but I cannot
babygirl and that's the issue

Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
but I cant right now
so, baby, kiss me thru the phone"

Omqqqq this song makes me melt. Sammie's voice is the most fragile thing ever. AWWW. I think I'm going to marry a gay once someday. lol.
Justin Timberlake's voice in the beginning of My Love used to melt me too. It still does but I don't listen to me anymore.
It's just such a turn on.
This is weird -_-
I mean, girls can like girls, boys can like boys, boys can like girls, girls can like boys.
But girls liking boys that like boys?
It just can't happen.

Who the fuck am I kidding?
I LIKE NORMAL POEOPLE!!!
lmao.
haha.
I don't know if to press submit or not lol. This is private.
Whatever.

Oh I was just realizing how much Hotel California is overplayed.
Holy. Like, so much. They just played it live and it was better than the same bullshit but still.
Ordaz liked my reflection. So did I but I went a little too dark. I did. I'm going to go check my grades now.
Oh I did the poster for Bonet. It's pretty.
I'm sorry, but, if 99.9% of people think pretty, then you have to talk pretty. It's just the way it is. You can know more than that and I won't settle for pretty but for things like this when I have people like I do as viewers, I have to. I wish I was among more intellectual peers.
lol.
Anyway, it's a flat little blue bird with eyelashes saying, "I love my home & you should too!"
The bottom says,

enviro
mental
CLUB

and

EARTH DAY

next to it.

I think I'm actually getting good at art. Art class, that is.
It just happened. I think I'm more "balanced" and therefore my shit is beautiful art.
Hm, I shoudl think about that. About what my food is..
I want to go home.
I think Lawrence's car is my home right now even though it really shoudln't be. He can make me happy. Momentarily. I need something to feed me once and for all so I don't have to take these medications, prescriptions, drugs, shots, TRIPS.
But this is so much easier!

I'm, like, killing my printer printing all this shit.
Go figure, dillela.

"I actually got to hang out with [him]
It's been a while since the last time we hooked up
I guess he got bored with his life or his hand or whatever
But he randomly decided he wants me again
and honestly, even though I know it's way not fair to myself
That i deserve much better than a guy who's always playing hot and cold
I have no real reason to say no
It's not like i have [no] one else to fool around with
Not like I want him just as bad as before"

So I guess people do go through the same stuff as I do.
Hm.

I dreamed last night that, first, I was riding in Lawrence's car & he was driving. It was getting really early/late/whatever and the sky was nice and blue like a morning sky and you could see cars going to work. We were just like whatever. And then I had one of those Harry Potter tournaments. Hagrid was there and Voldemort looked different than in the movies. He looked like an old man. It was in a house. Ron wasn't there nor Hermione. I think I was either me or Harry. Anyway, going to work.
My mom works on Sundays. Wtf?
Is this like any other family, or what?
She says she might start doing the late night shift. That means from around 12 p.m. to around 4 p.m.
I don't know but these times sound familiar. Oh yeah, the time me and Lawrence sneak out.

I feel gangsta today, haha.
"kiss me thru the phone!"
Oh mann. I love this song so much. It makes me melt.
So this is my current playlist:
-Like you by Bow Wow and Ciara
-That's all by Gucci Mane
-Kiss me thru the phone by Soulja Boy
-explosive by 2 much
-Flashing Lights by Kanye West
anddd
-I'm not your boyfriend baby by 30H!3.
Hm, not that "bad" but whatever. Short, I don't have too many rap/hiphop songs.

My mommy got a fucking job! How cool, finally. Lol. Time to feel like going to work..
CVS pharmacist. How cool?!

I snuck out with Lawrence last night. I was late. I'm still a virgin, no worries. But he did get what he wanted and he's using me for sure. Because when he was done, it was like, "Ok, time to go home."
Like, "you're finished, thank you, goodbye."
Ugh. And he won't tell me, "Janie, I'm using you."
I really, honestly don't care!!! It wouldn't change anything. At all.
I hate it when people try to trick you or lie to you and you know they're lying.
Whateverrrr.

Ivonne does make up a lot of shit. It just doesn't make sense.
I went to DASH with Michelle and her sister and mom and dad because they had a meeting with the freshmen. Once the lady said,
"I know you felt like you'd won the lottery when you got your letter."

Well, lady, I didn't.
Sad, eh?

If I know I shouldn't turn from my problems, why do I do it?
Shouldn't I take advantage into it and, well,
think art?

I don't understand life completely. It's like instead of understanding,
"the blond boy runs fast to the coffee shop to buy milk that costs $.50,"
I understand:
"a human goes somewhere."

Anuez was there today. I don't know what it was. But there's still a feeling of something going wrong. And everyone gets that energy from me. Gaby and my mom both asked. I dunno.
But he was there. And I don't know what to say about anything he said because I don't understand any of it. I didn't retain.
Except maybe that there's always an equal amount of everything. Energy, matter. So if something dies, something is born. He also said, "this is not our universe,"
"we are the universe's."
Something among that.
We need to stop fighting against it. Such a bigger force than us.
We only think stuff up because we have the mind to. Dogs don't believe in God, Allah, or Buddha. Well, maybe Buddha.
He had me read Joseph Bueyes biography.
Or whatever his name is.
Oh and to make mistakes.
Make mistakes.

I didn't sneak out with Lawrence on Sunday. My mom read my text messages and I felt like they were keeping an eye on me. They misread "sneak out" when I was telling Yaniel. So that kinda saved my ass. Maybe. Maybe they're just faking it. So I lie. Ha. Parents.
So I don't know when I going to sneak out again. He's not going to pop me and he knows it.

"I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me."
Would you like yourself if you met yourself.
I would like myself if I knew myself like I know myself. I think I'm such an interesting person. I interest myself. If only I could date myself, I'm way cool. And different, I'm different.
Endangered species. Haha.

I feel something's wrong. Having to do with Anuez. He wasn't here today and he's out a lot but I feel different today. I really have to ask him things. I hope I have time and he's there tomorrow.
Really.

This is like a maze. A maze in which little tiny things are keys.
A labyrinth is a path in which you find your way no matter what.
A maze is full of dead ends and there's only one way.
This is like a maze.
I would've never gone this far in such little time without Gary. And I understand one more thing.
"We're connected in every single way with the universe."
Well, something like that.
and, "You just find yourself." I don't think I fully understand that.
but, "Every single thing [and nothing] is part of you."
I don't understand at all.

I've figured life out. Completely.
And everyone knows but everyone is looking deeper. No need for that. My religion is somewhere between Buddhism, the Sun, and just plain ol' science. But, I've got it and it feels so good. It feels good.
I'm so smart. And conceited. Ha. But I think things that no one else does. Really.

"Like yre just using me."
"Wow really Janie?no im not.thank you for looking at me like that."
"It just seemed like it. Gee, at least im telling you."
"Well that's great im glad youre telling me how you feel bu im telling you wat it is."
"Ok"
"Ok..."
"No you still cant."
"K."

Notice the period after every single text message.
Lawrecne quit smoking and broke up with his girlfriend because she was too "clingy". If this is true, then it might be telling me something. I broke up with him because of his habit.
If this is true.

I have no pinkie toenail. I just yanked it off. It didn't hurt at all. I don't feel physical pain, it's weird. So, anyway. I've been talking to Cest-la-vie and I'm not sure if it's a she or a he. Hahaha. I'm sorry. And I feel like a sexual predator when talking to them. Like I'm just fishing for meat. Hunting. Haha.
I'm going to church today. My neighbor's husband died and I want to be a nice neighbor and go mourn with her.

Right.
My parents are making me go.

The tittle's been inspired by SIXX: am's Life is Beautiful. Actually, I'll go listen to it now.

MAN it's sad how so many entries are filled with "life hates me"s, "I hate life"s, "What's the point?"s and that sort of thing in this site. I mean, go out there & live life! Even if you don't know what life is, you will someday and you'll regret not living it when you could. If you just sit around, you'll never figure it out and never regret it because you'll never know. But that's not better. And I have my moments. But they're not all emo. They're all balanced. Well, for the most part.

When people try to pretend that something hurtful never happened, it hurts even more. Like my parents pretending he was never born and that my mom never had a brother. We were talking about how dangerous pressure cookers are. My mom didn't even mention the time that thing blasted up on him. I was going to say it but when I looked up, I knew they were avoiding it. It did happen, but where's the proof? Just in my head and the papers that hang from the wall?
I don't think that's enough..

Well, my parents have been out a lot lately. Lawrence has been out too so he can't be here either. And Mariah's gone too. And Gaby and Carolina can't come yet because I haven't finished. Which brings me to my magazine. It looks pretty cool. It's not my best, the kind of professional job I could do. But fuck it. Because this doesn't benefit me and because I'd still get a pretty little perfect "A" anyway. I do get carried away because I'm such a perfectionist.
I've been talking to Cest-la-vie. He's cool. I know cool people when I see them, ok?
And, to wrap this up..
I've got a fucking pimple on my fucking scalp! What the fuckk..
-_-
I treat my body so so well and this is how it pays me.
That's it, then. I'm gonna go back to my coffee, weed, 6-hours-of-sleep-a-night, and carnivore days. HA!
Just kidding. I love you baby.

-I'm an endangered species
-One man's plesure is another man's chore

But, most importantly,
-If I ask no questions, I get no lies!

Conor Oberst's are THE most amazing songs to have been written. I think this is true love..
"That's it."
He's so powerful. How he makes me cry, smile, yell along with him.
I love Conor Oberst so much. So so so so so so much.
I wish we could be friends. Because I'd get much from that friendship. I'd learn so much. And he seems like such a "chill" guy. I feel like I'm drinking my time up. Like I should do what I have to do before it's too late and he's not like this anyomore.
27.

THE PAST IS GONE
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DREAM ON

After drawing and drawing my American Gothic by Grant Wood remix, I've learned that people ask, "if I have everything to be happy, why aren't I?"
Because you don't always have to have. There's things you can't "have". Things that aren't possesions. I understand what Anuez meant now. And, as usually, he was right. People keep on thinking there's something wrong outside and that's why they're not happy/well/healthy/whatever. Maybe it's inside, not outside. So go ahead and burst that little bubble and look inside. I'm going to be drawing some things in my 316☼&nights today..

I dreamed that I was at school and something crazy was going on (like the last day of school before winter break) and everyone was everywhere. The gifted class came to my class and I don't know where my homeroom had gone. I'm just chillin'. And I'm sitting on one of those cafeteria long-benches on Carlos' lap and he start singing or rapping or something and Nick is in front of us just there. Then we're standing and Nick is writing on the board and, with a blue marker, writes "I love your ass" and boxes it in. Then he sees me and writes "and balls!". As if to cover up the first one was about me. Then I -or someone else, I can't recall- have a tool that I -or someone else- can kill people by snatching their leg arteries right by the tibia bone. I don't think it was me because it looked like a teacher around her late 20's but had short hair like mine and was dressed in black like I was that day. Then there's a glass door that can't be seen through because it's covered with those black sticker things. She/me tries to smash the glass with the tool but then this man peeks through and he looks scary so she runs and then converts into me if it wasn't me. I see a poster downstairs that says that everyone has to go to that room before leaving or something. I go outside and wait for my mom and see Laura, her mom, and some relatives all nice and rich in a limo. They're all dressed fancy and the majority in black. I guessed someone had passed away but I didn't want to say anything. Then my mom comes and I tell her about the man and she says not to worry. I was still scared he was gonna come after us. Then I'm at home talking on the phone with Lawrence about "which was the best time".
I dunno.

I dreamed that I went over Katie's I don't know for what and I kissed her on the cheek then I was going to hi-kiss Gaby and she was like clueless, obviously avoiding me. The closest a dream can get to a nightmare, seriously.

[discussing the meaning of sex]
Alyssa: You're used to the more traditional definition. You inside some girl you duped, jack hammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes....

Banky Edwards: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, alright?


Holy shitttttt.
Lmao.
I can't fucking believe this actually happens to people, not just me.

I really shouldn't believe everything people say. That includes you, Anuez.

WHY MY HEAD?!
WHYY.


Anyway. What was I thinking? I'm sneaking out on Sunday, not Friday. And I'm going to the movies with Carolina tomorrow. Michelle hasn't answered. Not that I know of.

I've been talking to Lawrence through text ever since he read the message I sent him. We agreed yesterday that we'd hang out on Friday "how we always do". I said I wanted to have "fun" and that's what we'll do. I figured that if he doesn't care for his girlfriend, why should I? I don't love Lawrence anymore, I'm using him like he's using me.
I told him about my idea of atoms and us. He said, "omg, you're right!!"
I haven't told anyone. Just him and some of it to Anuez. I think I'm scared of people kinda rejecting me because they don't understand. But I thought Lawrence would. And so would, maybe, Karol. I know Anuez would understand fully but I think he might think it's stupid. That's what it is.
But maybe I think it's stupid.
And I shouldn't because "you should have pride for your art".
And this is art because I'm making connections and that's what, for me, art is.

I just got my cellphone, now if only I can switch memories.

You know what song's, like, fucking amazing?
Through the Fire and Flames by DragonForce. Holy shittt.
They don't even try too hard like those screamo bands. Ha.

Baby, are you tired? 'Cause you've been running throught my mind all day

Ever noticed how, even though small, Vanus razors are, like, undercover dildos? It's ribbed and has the shape and everything. Especially the vibrating one, but that's a little more obious. They're so expensive, haha. Just saying.

Hmm. Mariah's gone to Orlando with her youth group. That includes Andres and Valeria. I just got back from Jenny's, we were working on our Silver Award and then we went in the pool. Then some table soccer or whatever it's called. I..
Have to go work.
See U.
Oh and I'm getting my mobile phone delivered on Monday.
I'll try and sneak out next Sunday.

I almost got caught today by my mom. Holy shit.

I'm part of the GG. It's a club that mainly Carolina and I founded. Gray's the main color and it stands for gray gazelles. Gaby's part of it too and Mariah. It feels pretty gay. Hahaha. Whatever, we're pretty gay. I guess we were jealous about the KKK but we couldn't be part of it because we're girls. Holy shit, sexxxist.

I just really want to see him.
"Spend a little time inside of you"
It's so sweet. And I know I shouldn't.
I know I shouldn't feel this way.
All I'd do..
Hmph.
One that was a perfect fit for you.
All I'd do.
All eyes on you.

-_-

I watched Knowing last night. Ha, I didn't even mention the name. Today was mostly gone thanks to at-home waxing. But it's great now. Um, If by the Red Hots came up not too long ago. It got me. Just how much things have changed. I'm gonna have to get a new cellphone no matter what because I didn't claim it soon enough. I really want to see Lawrence.

Predictable. Damnit,

I'm sunburned on my arms and nose and cheeks because I had a garage sale and worked pretty damn tough. I had the books section and I was the one working the hardest, in my opinion. I just got from Main St's movies with Caro and Mariah, the movie was great. But I'd rather watch movies with someone who I don't have much to talk about, to fill in the gaps and awkward silences. The movie, a 4.5/5. I was really good. But he says in the beginning that everything is a coincidence. That's not true. Me having brown eyes didn't just happen, it's genetics. It's a coincidence that there's such thing, but EVERYTHING isn't coincidence. There's patterns and they're predictible. But then there's coincidence too. But we're just as simple as atoms and have no purpose at all. But then I don't understand why we come up with such complex instruments. What about fish? Do they go to heaven or hell too?
Oh. We're just here to take care of them, right.
But do we come first?
Something that annoys me is that some people say they're religious and they're really not. It's not wether they believe in an afterlife or not. Just, why? If this was made for control and it is great to listen to the Bible, why do you still do shit? Some "Atheist" people have better values than some religious ones.
There's a re;igion that won't tolerate smoking or drinking. Why not? Because it's just more money for the government to spend on security. That's why.
And I don't want to be an atom.
I want for Janie to have a meaning.
It seems like the only answer is "to please God so you can have a good afterlife".
But, even then, why?
And I don't understand how wearing overalls to prevent rape pleases God or how going to school pleases God. It just pleases the government. There's things don't that cause, in any way, harm to anyone. We weren't born sinners? That's horrible. We should find our God, wich is the bestest we can be. There, science is happy, politics, and religion. And if you don't, then you're not happy or a fake happy. That's all, that's it.
We're just atoms.



I feel like everything I just typed is pointless and that I have so many contradictions it's explosive. But I know that it's not and I'm here to help me.

Ohh. Mariah came home with me today and then Michelle came over. Gaby and Mariah and Valeria and me went to youth group -I know- and then Baby and Mariah came to my house and we had a few drinks and Smarties.
"Should I trust my pinter's ink to express the things I think?"
"I try my best to think of something to contest with,
inside jokes and other folks who got much more to sahey"

I don't know what to do. Both Carolina and Michelle want me on the same day for the same thing. How cool?
I'm getting my cell fixed ASAP, hahaha.


Ehhhh.
lmao. I love Mariah, she's so great. And Gaby. :)
I'm a happy person when I'm with them. I think that's what friends are. I'd like to ask Gaby why she did that last year one day. When it comes up and doesn't feel awkward anymore.

I see everything completely different. Costero had some real complicated shit for us today and I didn't really get it. I think she focuses too much in vocabulary and not technique. That's the most important thing. Anyway,
"Definetly. In fact thats who I worship, the sun. It's there everyday, it grows my food, gives me warmth and never has it ever threatened me with hell if I didn't pray to it. In fact it doesnt even mind if I yell at it or make rude gestures at it... it just shines away happily in the sky
Best of all is unlike other gods, I can see it.


Why the hell do people just kinda copy and paste my words?
I didn't get this from ANYONE, I concluded it myself. And that's one of my most favorite things about it. That no one brainwashed me. I just believe it and I just know it. Lately I've been seeing things so differently and sort of "out". Like being absent frequently. I watched The Invisible with Michelle -she came over- and it's an amazing movie. Even though I've watched it many times and own it, I never really knew "why". I felt like crying at the end for no reason. They get you attached, they manipulate you wih sound effects, and color. Of course. I sound stupid, which I'm not. I love to notice things. I love to notice things that no one else notices. And I love going to school because I love to, not for a scholarship. Not for the fake teachers like DiLella, but real ones that know what they're doing. Costero said something today about what we were learning and it grossed me out. She said that we should learn what we were learning so then we could get a scholarship and then get a Master on whatever we wanted to Master on. What the hell? Is that what most people do? Just get titles and stickers, post-it's, tapes, bands and nametags? Like make-up?
Like costumes? Like pretty little cover-ups?
Like what they would do with waste some time ago?
Just burried it and it was gone, no problem. No harm. Like a huge garbage can.
But you have to work problems from the roots, not just cover them up.
I don't want to be like everyone else, just living for
"success"
AKA a Masters degree on something their parents would be proud of.


I want to be different and I'm different. I know it.
I know so many teenagers do this but

I'm drawing atoms for Anuez. It's so perfect. And I do see life a little different sometimes. A little. Sometimes. It's like I'm seeing it from outside.. I don't know. And that's just the way it is and maybe it's because he said, "sometimes you just have to step out and see things from there," this morning. And sometimes, ever since yesterday, I got pictures of people in my mind. Just regular images. Like tittle flashbacks. Of Stevo saying hi to his buddies, Costero doin grades, Costero getting home, like kids partying, like Pineiro talking, etc. It bothered me tremendously. I don't even know why. I was like Harry Potter having one of those Voldemort dreams except mine are for about two seconds and I snap out of it fast and kinda shocked. Like I can't keep on looking at that. Like, why the hell do things happen? WHY?! Why are things the way they are and why do we have friends, why do we live, why do we feel, and all these questions. And I know we look for happiness, but why? Why do tadpoles, with their tiny brains, try to survive? Why is it an instinct? And I don't want to ask that unnoriginal question everyone makes, "What is life?"
but..
What is life?

This songs fucking amazing, Life is Beautiful by SIXX: AM?
damn.
"You can't quit until you try, you can't live until you die, you can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie, y'can't breath until you choke."
"I know some things that you don't, I've done things that you won't"
That's my favorite line.

I think George B. is one of the shittiest presidents America has had. Asshead.

Anuez wants me to interview him and then do a piece of art -for him- from his answers. He'll do the same to me.
Obama's speaking, and he says, "uh, uh, and, well, uh..."
:) It's not that bad. "I'm a big believer in persistance."
"It took that long because I like to know what I'm talking about before I talk about it."
I've always liked people pushing me. I remember once, when I was real little -about 7-, a kid punched me in the stomach and my mom yelled at me, big time. And I kept on saying in my head, "Yell louder. Yell."
And I don't even know why but I just felt like it was right.
And it was.
I wanted to "wake up".
Mr. Anuez is right about this. And I know I say he's right a lot but he's not right all the time. But how the hell do you know if someone's wrong or not if you don't know anything?
Because he kept on telling me things about me and eventually gave in and accepted it. I didn't know about me, I guess.
I have a fucking B in art class. B! She grades hard. Like real hard. And a 96% in Earth and a 91% in algebra. I love those classes, ha.

"Get it set, get it wet!"
lmao.

"Do you believe in love at first sight,
or should I walk by again?
I'm not that hard to notice,
so stop trying to pretend"

Ok, wow.

Anyways isn't a word. Woot!

"You had me, but I never had you"
So simple. Lennon's amazing. He's so great!!!1
Ha. But really. I have to call up some nurseries to see if they'd like to donate some plants for the garden at my school. Whoo! Enviromental club's the shit.. Whoo!
Hahaha. I have to go tomorrow and not having my cellphone sucks.

"If I tell you a secret,
you won't tell a soul
will you hold it an keep it alive"
"Baby, love will come through"

I hate love songs, they're so corny.
But I love them.
"Take me, don't leave me"

It bothers me how Taylor Swift kind of begs for guys. "Just say ok" "teardrops on my guitar". What is that? That's why she's single.

I like Princess. They remix dance/trance/techno/rave and add some rap.
"You see me, you show it
I wave you, you wave back
this yo chance, don't blow it
& I'm hopin and wishin'
that this night don't end
when the next day begin,
I'ma party again
go, go, go, go, go, go!"

I decided it'd be best to delete my last entry and I've never done that before, ha. Well, anyway. It's in private.

I've been reading my latest entries and they sound real reckless. I don't like that. But whatever. I think anyone would consider me a nerd if they had spent the day with me today. I spent the whole entire day facing the computer screen, lol. Great way to burn calories, I'd say.
Carolina was supposed to fucking call me today to go somewhere with Mariah, but no.
And I like someone. Two someones, actually. One of them, I really really shouldn't.

"El que bien quiere te hace llorar"
-I understood-


"The world is not against you and the universe wants to help you, it's on your side."
"Just don't be so negative."
"I'm colorblind"
"I have a problem with color."
"No, I just don't see life to its full."
"Open the lights"
"Very poetic"
-I now understand-



"You don't have to be able to explain something to know know it."
-I yet undertand-

Ok, I'm in a waiting list and Anuez swear that I'll get in.
He's sometimes not right, though.

"So what's the craziest thing you've done lately?"
The way she says it. Good editing right there.

"I knew that you're mine, when I caught you there crying in the night, wearing my jacket, wearing that smile, I knew that I'd found you"

"Just put me on my back and knock me out again."
"I don't know where I am, don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go."

Can't believe Ivonne did that. I mean, no matter what, you don't say that about Gaby. lol! But seriously. What, is she like Da Vinci's daughter or something? Where's the last name, Ivonne?! I think either art is harder to understand as a whole -compared to poetry, writing in general, music, drama, etc.- or I'm just not meant for this.
But I hope I am.
But I know I am.

"Some days you walk in here with wonderful ideas and some days you have nothing, there's not gray. Just black and white."
-Anuez, today art club.
"That's just the way I am."

And, no. No it's not. I thought so but it's because sometimes I'm more sure of my thoughts than other times and have more confidence and the way he talks is a tiny bit intimidating which makes me less sure. And I do know I get intimidated often but that's the way I am. Not in general but just in art. And I know he tried to let me know that if, just and only, I had believed in myself, I would be a DASH student.
It's hard.


I wish he somehow found this piece of shit.

I memorized my fucking poem!!
Hahaha, what's funny is that she didn't even want it today. I can't find the prices for my flowers, though. Damnit.
"I love the girls who love to hate because they're just like me!"

Hmm. Oh and Valeria's big mouth is being a bitch. UB and Gaby are so cuteeee. She looks cute with every guy she's with, though. (George).
"I kissed your lips, you pulled my hair."

Why the hell have I been listening to so many sex songs lately?!

"It doesn't mean shit unless you take a risk"
-three oh three, Photofinish.

Ok, something's official: I don't like my poem.
Or Marra. Ok, maybe not that. But I don't like my poem.

Oh and Maria wants me to sneak out with her and go to a party but is scared the person who gave her the ride might be gone and won't be able to take us/them/her back home. So I'm planning to use someone that I trust enough for this, lives nearby, owns a car, and is ok with waking up at night to take me home. And hang out with me a little. Right?
Maria will be mad if she read this. Hahaha.

Holy fuck, Sarah got accepted to New World. How fucking cool!?
(Dance)

I had my science FCAT test and it was so diarrhea-like, it was! It was so damn easy. I mean, it was fun. Actually fun. Anyway, I came 'cause I need a sorta break. I have to memorize this stupid The Smoked Herring by Thursday. In french! And pronounce everything right. I went over Michelle's, she has two cats which I was amazed at -haha-, and her parents call her "Michi". We went to Blockbuster and rented The Haunting of Molly something which was pretty scary at the moment but as I thought of it after, it was just stupid. Like, Saw stupid? Except you know Saw is stupid right on the first scence. Oh and I'm doing the fossil thing. I, I can't. I can't keep up with everything. I mean. I have to draw, shoot, eat good, read, learn, study, do homework, classwork, have friends, a boyfriend, go to parties, look "nice", be a teenager, be a kid, be an adult.
All at the same time. Well not the same time but compared to space, all at once.
Don't you LOVE that?
How we're so small and stupid compared to our vast universes yet we still think we're the best

And I watched the JB episode on South Park. Pretty hat.

I'll tell you that I did get accepted to TECH.
YAY! It's SOOOO hard to get into TECH, it's crazy.
not.
Ivonne called and wants me to go over her "crib". Haha. But, no. I'm going over Michelle's in a while and she can't come over so we go over to M's. So next weekend maybe. Ivonne didn't get accepted to DASH at all. She only has one paragraph. I have three. I think I'll keep this letter 'til I get to college, then rip it and destroy it and shove it up their ass. Because they suck. They suck balls and I'll stick to Anuez for a while because he knows more. I'm not telling what happened because I know what happened and you don't need to know, whoever you are.
I went to sleep yesterday, then got all nice lookin' for Publix.
Publix?
C'mon.
I need my cellphone, I'm scared I'll get caught if I use my mom's to call Lawrence.
I think Kill Hannah is a new all-time-favorite band. Easy comes, easy goes, though. It was kinda love at first sight so it's probably just lust. Oh, science FCAT tomorrow. Whee. I like science because it's so easy. Not my science third period class, but 8th grade science. Because I already take high science and then I take it with Bonet so it goes on to about four more levels, lol. I'm going to ace that test, kick it's ass. Like the math. Not the reading, though. I probably got a four because, well. I suck. I wish they'd have an FCAT for every single class. Like midterms but state tests.
I can't stop talking.

I'm mad at art right now and will be for a while.

I'm going over Michelle's later for sure. And share some DASH luv.

"So what's the craziest thing you've done lately?"

I dunno, but I think you're next.
I want to go out with Lawrence sometime soon, he better start eating pineapples. Haha.

Well, duh. Everyone's over at Luis' "weekend" party. Yay.

I'm going to Gab's if she calls back and we might go to Main St. after that. As for right now, I'm going to Publix.
(:

I've got this intense feeling of suspence. My head hurts slightly.
I'm almost crying and it's, like, stress. I got my letter from DASH but I haven't opened it yet. It's waiting in my mail box. Ivonne didn't get in and neither did Gaby.
Michelle got in.
I'm sweating and talking to her rightr now.
I'm gonna open the TECH one first.
ttyl..

Oh, yeahh. Free time all the time today and yesterday. And Bonet giving his science speeches, lol. And trying to bring Pineiro down.
"You can kiss my--- your fieldtrips goodbye!"
-Pineiro.
"Williammm, get out of the hole!"
-Bonet.

Anyway, Carolina's right next to me right now. I kinda feel weird with her, like, reading this as I write but what ever.
I felt like I was gonna die choked today. We were in the car and I was looking at the CCS catalog while drinking some yummy water and she asked me, "So you're calling me a bitch, now?"
and I answered, "No."
And she went like, "This is you!" and made a "yeah" face while saying no. And, since she's so funny, I couldn't stop laughing and almost choked to death. It was horrible and the water dripped all ovewr my pants, the CCS, and the floor. I felt like I was dying, goddammit. And she was laughing so couldn't do anything about it.
& I know it sounds REALLY stupid right now because I feel stupid typing this and telling you but it didn't feel like it when it happened.
It was one of those you-had-to-be-there moments.
Ha.

I left home early thanks to my stupid head and Carolina will probably hang out tomorrow. Mariah had another excuse, lol. Hahaha

My head hurts "like a mother" all the time. ALL THE TIME. Like 70% of my day on average. I don't know what it is, but I'm thinking it's because my period's coming and I may have this unique symptom.
Unique!
Who doesn't love that word, eh?
Ha.

"I love college, heyyy! I love drinkin'!"
Pretty sums up how I've been feeling lately even though I've never experienced college before. I can't wait.
"Living life in peace"
exactly, live and let live. That's how I like it.
Anyway, just got back from the library and I found a whole lot of informative books on Russia. What's pretty much fucking up the Internet right now is the overload of "information" that you can't find shit. I couldn't find anything meaningful on RUSSIA! Hello, it's not like I'm looking on information on that foreign flopperythuhimya country. And I'm part of that overload. Yay.

Today was mathmatics FCAT and it was pretty easy. I missed two points for sure because I didn't have time to finish. Total of 50 something questions, I think 52. If there were 50 questions, means you can't get more than 5 wrong in order to get at least a five. Which is pretty tight. I only had 6th period Costero. I had lunch at one in the yellow cafeteria and Nick M. kept on glancing back at my table. I guess it was Katrina or something. She was by me. South Park is having a new Jonas Brothers episode tonight at 10, according to Bringas. I hope he's right. Angeli reminds me of Tamara from elementary school. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's true. They're so similar. About my God.
It makes me happy that I can actually look up and smile at it every morning and that it doesn't hide from me at all. It's there at all times, even at night, it keeps a mirror so I can see its light.
Light.
Doesn't light usually represent God? Or has to do with religion in some form? Well, who gives you light? If it weren't for our Sun, there wouldn't be any light at all. You wouldn't even be here because your daddy wouldn't have known were to place his penis to make you.
And I don't have to trust some random person that wrote the Bible that I don't know to be right. I'm seeing it.
And does this mean I don't believe history books and that there was once a Civil War and that there was a guy called Benjamin Franklin? Well. I could because how the hell does it affect my life? And it seems realistic. It could actually happen and we still have witnesses and evidence that this actually happened. But, then again, it's something without proof. But whatever.
Anyway, I think people believe in all these upper forces and mighty powerful and todo poderoso -it's all around the place!- because they don't have a leader and they need a leader to live and don't know what to do because they're not

INDEPENDENT.

Today was FCAT Reading day at school, today was my mom's birthday. I had a migraine earlier and, well, I love my mother. Because she was with me the whole time and she's amazing. Even on her bitchy days. I had a GS meeting today also and we just planned for the book presentations. I talked to Ivanna when Carolina left and she's real cool, down to earth, and nice. And I figured who my God really is: it's the Sun. I'll type in more about that later on. Goodnight.

I want to read minds and I want to get rid of toxins at the bottom of my feet. And I'm determined to get both done. Not matter how silly it may sound.

So my mom tells me that todaytoday was Grevi's birthday. He's a really good & old friend of mine, he was turning thirteen today. I love good friends. And I'm not throwing the word out. It's like, we were so innocent and there was no drama and nothing to worry about, you know? We would always play and play. I don't remember any fights at all. The time I met him, I was out riding my bike and he was too. We would "secretly" race. As if we were snobs. You know, little kids. We would always get inside his dad's bus because he was a bus driver and play around. I think he was.. my best friend. And we had an "underground club" which was actually locatated underground and our only light source was multiplied by a facedown CD. We would climb trees and talk about Edward and his "girlfriend". We would plan things out and do birdviews of our houses. We would go to the corner bakery together. And then we started hanging out with Carolina too. It was fun, one of the funnest years of my life I think. It's also because I erase all bad memories and kind of separate them sometimes so I think that's why I don't remember us fighting. Anywayyyy I really hope I go back someday and just give him a big nice hug for all those great times together.

Um, k. That was one of the weirdest dreams I've had in a while. Nicole was coming. And she turned into a unicorn and then into a moth. We all called it "the dove". But no one was supposed to know she was here. There was gonna be a party and I think everyone got drunk and passed out in the "chambers". It was weird, alright? Also, Chris posted an "answer" saying, "When we go to the movies, can we look at each other and do ourselvs?".
I was like, "wtf, ew." lol. It was a dream, though. I miss Nicole like hell. I wish I hadn't been like that to her the last day. I hope she comes back.

Holy shit, I'm so glad HP's sixth movies coming out sometime soon, whoo hoo! (:

lmao, watch Dick in a Box if you haven't. Haha, so stupid.

Okkk so that was the stupidest thing I've done in a very, very long time. Anywy, thought:
"the long days are the shortest"

By me.

Supid, kids smoking Smarties at school. lol, Cory does it in 1st period and he has a blast, "this one's gonna be good!"
lol. Ha. I just bought some Smarties, I'm so curious. And I bought some black tea with full caffeine, two cucumbers, and some alfalfa. Yum. I'm listening to I <3 Hello Kitty

Yeah, why does everything happen to me?
And I'm not being a typical teenager, but seriously.
lol.
Yesterday I got CSI (wasn't too bad) for going out the cafeteria without permission, had a talk with Costero for moving some bookbags in the morning and maybe some other things. About two days ago Costero was doing a hall sweep and I was out. Some days back I went upstairs with Ivonne S. and, well. He saw us there. Today I got milk all over me and he probably thought I was playing around.
Haha.
Anywayy. I took a science practice FCAT test today and got a 41/45, not counting the extended or short responses. It might lower or raise my grade. But, in conclusion, I got a five. And my mom had a job interview today at CVS as a phamarcy assistant. I think she did pretty well. I don't have any homework, so I'll go to sleep around 9 something tonight.

Hi. I think it was radical for southerns to treat them "African Americans" that way. They're awesome. Hello, retard. They're fucking humans. Just different complexions. And I know my History book lies but still.
And, as always, Democrats kick ass.
My ass, to top it off
"Love being with you and seeing you cry"
& Lawrence was in my dream last night. We were just "friends" and we were here at my house alone, but we were just "friends".
And I mean it. I don't lie anymore.

Ok, sorry I'm making this long but I guess I just wanted to tease him and to call him something no one else did (except Bryan A). I think I felt insecure about our relationship, really. And what comes next didn't just happen with him, but it happens with everyone. I'm proud that my name is what it is and it's not overused. Because, that way, when the name "Janie" comes up, they don't think of 32 Janie encounters they've had in their lives.

& I do want to "settle down", of course. But not anytime soon. And I think I shouldn't skip such important phase of my life.

Now that I think of it, I kinda was a bad girlfriend. I didn't want to be, though. And I really liked Lawrence. I shouldn't have called him names like "Law" or "Larry" or "Lance". Because they sound like girl names, having an "A" as its main letter. And no guy likes to feel gay or like a girl. Unless that's what they like..
Anyway, yeah. I kinda regret it and kinda don't. Because I did learn some things from him and, well. To be honest, I don't want to be stuck with him for too long. I wanna have fun. And Lawrence is fun but I want the hook-up kinda fun, you know?

Don't judge.

And, I mean. Blacks weren't even allowed to vote some years past. Now Obama's our fucking president. He kicks ass.

But Bright Eyes never gets old. Never ever ever ever ever. Ever.

Today was Michelle's bay and she didn't make a big fuss out of it. I'm tired. My lips are chaped. Fucking chaped, dood. I hate cold in Florida. It's so stupid. I mean, people live here for a reason. The HEAT! and then we get these stupid cold front shits. Not that I hate them. But they do get annoying when you don't have the right gear. "I used to know this boy who took notes in a book but he ripped out all the pages before I got a look"
Hey! 12 days left.
"Joanna drove slowly into the city, the Hudson river all filled with snow"
I'm listening to really old music. It's not Elvi's old but old as in i've-listened-to-this-shit-500-times old.

"Is that another fucking tattoo?!"

Yep, yes it is. If I get in, I'm tattooing the number on my hand butt (509), Gaby suggests. I dunno. I think it would classify as peer pressure. Haha. Nah, I'm tattooing my nautical star on my wrist. Oh and I'd be pritty illegal and I'll habe Maura helping me out. Maybe.
"Too many cops, too little fun!"
"But, hey, remember. It's hippie hour"
Haha. Oh man.
"They don't love you like I love you"
Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Gawd.

"Stop the hate, congratulate. You know my name so eat some cake!
don't be mad cuz my hair is so rad, life is good up on my hood!"

Haha, Bitches get Stitches by Blood on the Dance Floor.

I got my snake skin shoes yesterday at Aventura's Aldo. They were $50 and my mother payed for them. "You can talk your shit you're only making me famous"
Oh I watched Garden State yesterday also and The Day After Tomorrow. Garden State was a pretty good movie. About a 6/10. I mean, it went through some long pointless scenes and they "fall in love" too fast.
"You're such a fucking cutiepie!" Well, thank you. I try my best :D
The Day After Tomorrow is always fucking great, 8/10. I never get tired of watching it, there's always that suspense left. I'm listening to the immigrant song but I need to check out the lyrics to really listen to it. I'm a visual person. Haha. I heard a rap song on the radio last night but the only word I heard was a-a-alcohol and I can't look it up like that. :(
I also went out to eat with my rents last night and kinda regret making them go to that particular restaurant. Kinda a waste of $50. Yeah, pretty much.

I have to listen to Led Zeppelin's Immigrant song sometimes soon? I heard it on the radio a while back but haven't analyzed it yet. Hmm.

I hate it when Chris sucks up to me. I really wish he didn't. He tries to act so "bad", talks about DASH a lot, and says things he thinks I'll like. I really don't like it and hope he kinda starts to change and be more like him and less like Nick? Because 1) I don't like Nick anymore and 2) He's just not good at it.

I didn't win most artistic in my classroom. But I don't really care, I know I'm most artistic when I'm in my bedroom. Alone. I jsut think not a lot of people like me and those who do, really like me. Those who do, see past my non-popular state and realize there's something about me. Because there certainly is. And if I met me, I would like me a lot. And I would turn into a lesbian just to date me because I'm one of the coolest people I know. I don't care if I'm sounding conceited right now 'cause this is something general and, well, you're the one reading. I'm really not conceited. But, back to my point. I'm not popular. And I like it that way. I like it that way because there's something more to me than going out every Friday night and wearing "pretty" clothes and "pretty" make up. And I do do that sometimes but that's not the Janie main idea. The Janie main ide can't be described in words or in anything. Janie's just a title and it does say a bit about me, but that's not the main idea.
I know a lot of kids think the way I do and are typing this or writing this right now but I don't care.

I like it this way.

I didn't feel nervous when logging in to MySpace. I just didn't. I fely one or two butterflies inside my stomach but that's it. And I thought it was funny because there was no reason to be nervous at all.

I can't wait 'til college. I can't waitttt. Or high school. But high school's just bullshit and college kinda isn't because I'll be away. And I'll be away for high school too but not away away, you get me?

This stupid posttest FCAT science shit is so shitty. I don't even know this shit and it's not in the Earth book. Fuck it, I have to google everything because Bonet expects us to have the mind of juniors. Right. Fuck you.

I heart Michelle R.
Really.

Rad chick.
I need some kind of break. Haven't gotten any suggestions on DeviantArt about balance. Ha. I think I'll stick to the circus performer, though. I don't know what to say anymore. Oh, I fisnished Gaby's book today and I didn't cry to the last paragraph or page. I felt happy. But I cried five pages before the last. It's kind of like the Forrest Gump story, so November Rain would fit them perfectly, Chalie and Sam. My mom's gone to Publix -I assume- to get something for my mom's friend that I can't remember the name of right now. I know Mariah was supposed to come chez moi today but didn't because "she had a doctor's appointment" but I think she's just jealous that "I'm, like, in love with Gaby" -I'm not- and that makes her mad. lol. Gaby and Katie were supposed to go to the movies and watch Coroline and Gaby asked me to go but I think Katie's gonna "cancel" the plans so I don't go because we never talk anymore I don't know why but I think she talks shit about me and never says hi because I see her coming out of Pineiro all the time and never says hi. Also, I got "in trouble" with Pineiro today for eating chocolate in his class today. Pussy. I ate cheese pizza for lunch at lunchtime in the blue cafeteria and cheese pizza for breakfast at home. So I'm settled. I really, really, really hope I get into DASH.

I think that we shouldn't try to cure every single person with cancer, every premature baby, every person with asthma. And I know it's sad how it may be your mom or sister or son but tat's the way it is. And what, we don't try to save wild animals as much as humans, do we? We're so greedy. We're messing everything up and it's not going to work. We're so greedy that we think about us and us only, and we see it all work out because we'll be happy and infinite. We're messing natural selection, my favorite and nature's most magnificent process. My dad says, "there's no other way for science to go but forward."
"it's wrong"
"they'll eliminate the aging gene, and we won't age"
"that's wrong. We should die, it's part of the process"
"You want your mom to die?"
"Yes, it's part of nature"

And that hurt to say because she was in front of me. But I'd like to be fair to all living things in all universes and let my mom die.

And not be greedy.
"We humans can find the way to live in other planets"
"If we fucked Earth up, we don't deserve to go to other places"

I'm really tired of momentary things. Things that aren't for sure, things you can't trust, things you can't count on. I can't cout on, actually. You don't matter. I do.

That's why I have the want to have a baby, that's why I have the frong earrings I do, that's why I have a camera and name it, that's why I'm so close to Chamo, that's why I have this necklace, that's why I type into this stupid computer, that's why I have so many sketchbooks and name almost all of them, that's why I swore I would wear that nail polish color and that nail polish color only, that's why I stick to one brand of make up, that's why I like my computer like it is and how long I've had it, that's why my clothes are so old, that's why I still have things Lawrence gave me he doesn't know of, that's why I kept Janie scrapbooks, that's why I want a fucking sibling, that's why. That's why I've always wanted to have a cozy secret place with my friends. And feel like..
At. Home.
A permanent home.
And I know it's weird because I do like change and all but I think not this type when you're used to having people not change and be a certain way and that's fine because they're close to you but when they change, it's just not cool.

"Rinse berries just prior to use"

damn. I was happily eating some raspberries I bought at Publix today when I see a caterpillar inside one of them, and I get all excited because that's good luck here in my ground. It just doesn't happen everyday. But then I start to eat the rest of the raspberries and they don't taste like raspberries too much. I got all paranoid and they tasted like.. caterpillars. And, yes. I know what they taste like. Or at least think I do. I started noticing very tiny brown balls and figured they were droppings. When I read the sign inside the cap of the raspberry box. I was pretty grossed out because I don't like to eat feces.

No, seriously. I have to get drawing.
My parents think I'm watching porn. With them right behind me. I'm sorry, but, if I was hiding it, I would go to my school website or something instead while they're behind me.
What freaks.
I need to draw. I feel like the balance drawing I did isn't enough because she gave us 'til Monday to finish it so I think she's expecting something, like, huge & nice & clever. I try to think of something clever before I fall asleep when the lights are off in my room but I just fall asleep. And sometimes my hand just slips..
Hehh.
I like the book.
Oh, and I was watching Garden State it's
OK, not the best movie ever.

Ok, new rule:
Won't kiss a boy until he loves me.

If only I could quote everything, the whole book, Gaby gave me. Damn. I feel that she acts differently when she's with us in art than outside. I dunno, but I see it. I like her better in art, though. But, that book. That damn book. It's so true. Everything in there. And the stupid author makes me cry because I can connect to the character so damn well. And it's like "it" gets me involved/attached so "it" can then manipulate me. That's what authors do. That's what bad boyfriends do. And I'm actually looking up that Asleep song "it" talks about so much. Proof of manipulation right there.
"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you, okay?"
And, really, I haven't had my first kiss just yet. Still waiting. It's like that type of thing when you're so close but so far. No kiss yet. No kiss. No fucking kiss.
Sorry if I'm getting annoying, but that's between Janie and me and I. Thankks.

What did you do yesterday?
Your eyes went to the left

What will you do tomorrow?
Your eyes went to the right.

So, you know I went to the library the other day. I noticed that, most of the time, the author's name was larger and bolder than the title. As if the name made it a good book. Like brand names, you don't check the quality and if it's the color you dislike the most, but you check for the brand. It's Coach/Betsey Johnson/Louis Vouitton/whatever? Ok, it's got to be good. Or music, or people, or make up, or what not.

I don't like it.
I'm going to art club today, I'm gonna get that guy where he belongs. "She probably didn't come because she did bad"
lol. Shut up. I did do good and that's none of your business, I thought? Why so negative, Anuez?

Why so serious?
It's like you hope I did bad. Maybe because you're jealous? That your son didn't make it into DASH and I might? Or the fact that I am better than you? Because I am. You're just a sorry little teacher and "the mask [you] polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit" to me.
as Conor sings in Lua.
You can't hide from me, Anuez.
Ha.

"It's not eanough
that when he needed to solve a problem,
he walked down the street and bought whatever there was"

Whenever my grandparents listen to this song, they must cry. They have to, there's no other way to get by it. Because this is my uncle. And I'll bet they feel guilty, even more than I do or ever did. Because they raised the child and I didn't. So they feel like they weren't a solution. Oh, man.
:'(

My nails are long as hell.
Anyway, Ricardo Arjona is a favorite back again.
"It's not eanough
that when he needed to solve a problem,
he walked down the street and bought whatever there was"

and this song explains what they say,
"a man -person, they were just sexist- tries to live to his dad's expectations or to make up for what his dad didn't"

It's true.
Listen to No Basta by R.A.
If you speak spanish.

holy shit, Yaniel's girlfriend might be pregnanttt:

Y@N!3L says:
nuthin stressin alot
homeless. says:
it's kinda my fault, sorry.
homeless. says:
why?
Y@N!3L says:
cuz i had sex wit ma gf n i think i got her prego
homeless. says:
what!?
homeless. says:
omg
homeless. says:
dude, how old is she
Y@N!3L says:
13
homeless. says:
man, you should've gotten me pregnant, I want a baby.
homeless. says:
lol, jk.
homeless. says:
why didn't you wear em' rubber?
Y@N!3L says:
lmao u should hav talked to me (; lol
Y@N!3L says:
i did
homeless. says:
the cheap ones? c'mon you can;t count on those lol.





dang.

Oh my god, Ricardo Arjona's singing to me what I've been talking about before:
"How it hurts
for you to be so far
sleeping here in the same bed
how it hurts
so much distance
even though I hear you breathe,
you're 1,000 kilometers away"

Whoa.
"Trying to find what so long ago has been lost"

Whoa again.

Ok, so I'm starting to think Lawrence reads this stupid thing. Ha.

My scar's REALLY healing. I think it looks differently in different situations like temperature, light, and so on.

I'm sorry, but have you ever noticed how pretty Melanie is? She's like- dead gorgeous. Really. She has the perfectest skin and face and hair and eyebrows. (:

Damn, those miso soups are goood as hell. I just had one. Now I'll take my vitamins, then I'll take a shower, and then I'll draw balance out. That was my art homework. I think art is one of the hardest classes I have. It involves research, deep thinking, imagination, creativity, and the ability to see things from a different point of view. The way I do, as I posted some entries earlier. Then I'll go to sleep. Yeah, it's early but I'm tired of bags under my eyes.
And I love you. Only if you read the only words inside my visual diary. I love youu.

I forgot to mention that, after the DASH audition, Gaby, Ivonne, and I went out to eat at Pei Wei. Michelle was supposed to go but didn't because she was "tired". But I think that's bull and she had more important things to do. Like watch T.V. Thanks, Michelle. We stayed there for about two hours talking abour people, art, Nick, George, Valeria,
-omg, Revolution by the Beatles is on the radio! Cool (: one of the few songs I like by them-
Mariah, Ms. Ordaz, Mr. Anuez, and my dick.
Mr. Anuez was being a little ass on Friday, the day before my auditions. I went to the art club and he was saying things like, "why are you here?"
he saw me kinda depressed and said, "are you here to cry?"
"you waste time".
I know I don't know why I go there, I know I'm weak & sensible, and I know I waste time. But the night right before my audition's no time for you to be telling me all this. It's bringin' my confidence down.
-Sweet home alabamaaaaa! (: the one they played in Forrest Gump. I fucking love that movie-
He's to say things like, "You're a great artist, you have great potential, you're amazing, they don't want geniuses"
and things of that sort.
So, yes.




I'm mad at him.

Oh, today was a cool art day. Mariah and whoever wants to come over are coming over on Friday, we might go to.. somewhere. Anyway, heard Iliany and Patrick had some sexual activity going on. I dunno, but when I think of it, I think of it like that awkward Juno-like sex? Yeah, like that. I went to the library and found that Adam and Eve and Pinch Me book and, well, Zillah's name inside it. I was happy. And checked out a book by the same author hoping to find some of 'em cool names inside. I didn't eat anything during lunchtime but I'm not hungry right now. My scar's healing really well. I think it's thanks to those vitamins I'm taking? I look at it sometimes and think, "whoa, it's so small. It can't possibly shrink more than that."
And, one week later, I look at it again and it's smaller than before. It looks kinda like a reddish tan. A light marroon. I saw Jessica's mom today at the bank, she wasn't with Jess or Ale or Steph, just with her husband Eric or Eddy or whatever it is. So I need to go get some homework done so..
Later Alligator.
lol, how gayy.

I'm into the indie mode today, more than everyday. I'm about to watch an indie movie right now on T.V. and I know I won't find one but I'm a lucky girl, so I might. Indie music is past now. Bye (;

MAST results- March 15
I don't know about the rest. Whee.

NW results come out on- March 15
DASH results come out - March 15

Oh and Mary, I don't want her out either. Duh.
I can't take it off my mind, I woke up this morning (10:58 AM, by the way) thinking about the interview. With his face in my mind. I really really hope I get in. I dreamed about pistols, nothing new compared to my last few dreams. Isn't it weird, me dreaming about shootings at Publix, shootings at my house, and me involved in them? With asian people involved also? I think it is. 'Cause I don't have anything against them.

Chris left me a note, I thought it was pretty sweet. I did do excellent on my DASH audition. The New World one sucked. SUCKED. I was horrible. HORRIBLE. But DASH was good, I'm confident. The interview part for DASH was pretty bad and I dunno. I don't think I did too well with that. But the self-portrait was good, in my opinion. All the right measurements, proportions, and the composition was good also. But it didn't look like me exactly. And the girl next to me started out pretty good but got bad when she was doing her eyes because
-Wonderful tonight by Eric Clampton: "that you just don't realize how much I love youhh" whoa. Reminds me of someone, ahem. That's kinda past though, as I don't really feel that way anymore-
the space between her eyes wasn't the length of one eye and, yes, I do realize that she may be different from the standards but it was just way too close. The contour was my best one, in my opinion. My lines were nice, clean, and crisp. No hairyness. Thank God. The charcoal was about a 6/10. And then the interview. I forgot to tell the guy about SoHo, about my NY plans, and all that. I think I did bad there. But I think I got in. As for New World.. Nope, I didn't get in. I know it. But NW was in the morning so it gave me some practice. The guys at DASH are SO FUCKING HOT. Gaby agrees. Omfg. There was this "dude with the glasses" and he was, in my opinion, the hottest guy there. Ivonne liked another one which I sucked up to and told him I liked his pinquin shirt. They were probably gay, lol. I want to leave everyone behind already and start something new. I wish I could mix n match, though. Because I want some people out of my present and some people to stay here like:
Mariah, Carolina, Alex, Alex, Chris, Austin, and more people that I can't think of right now. *sigh*

I just wanted to drop you a note to say that you're going to do amazing at your audition today. You're a great artist with eyecatching, beautiful ideas, and you always have a way with making people smile.

Don't change:)
-Chris

Um, I don't know anymore. I know there's probably many kids going that suck and are doing it for fun or because they were dared to or because the school's "cool". And then there's kids that are fucking amazing. I'm doomed.

Anyway, Andres plans to get me back for April's fool. Ha.
He says he'll heat beans so hot and put them inside my bookbag that they'll explode inside it and I'll be helpless.
He's bad NOW!
lol.

I just had a breakdown. I couldn't stop walking around my room. Actually, I could, but it just felt good to walk around. So I didn't. And everytime I looked in the mirror at my red face, it got far worse. Like a cycle. But Carolina's right, water does soothe you down. I took a shower and, boy, that helped, a lot. I started laughing at a conversation I had with Mariah today. I love her, she's so funny. lol. (:

Omqq, I'm turning EVIL! And I'll overcome Godzillah, watch.

I think it's pretty sad how everyone has decided to go emo/punk/guitar-like? It's just.. wrong. Well, I know Jessica's brother follows Jessica and Jessica follows Stephanie. And I don't know who Stephanie follows but she follows someone. I found a Led Zeppelin jacket in their closet once. Led Zeppelin? C'mon. Since when do people that practically live inside Abercrombie stores own Led Zeppelin jackets? And, yes, I do understand that that was probably her boyfriend's but still. Oh and I remember once when we were in the car she told me, "Oh you know I'm a hippie now, right?"
I was like, "Okk."
Because you don't go around telling people what you "are".
That's just stupid. Once, not long ago, Jessica told me that she was a "rocker" now.
???
What the hell..
And when she was typing in her music interests into her MySpace profile, she asked me what bands I listened to. And whatever I said, she typed in. Damnit. Ohhh! And Andres.
Me- So, what type of rock do you listen to?
Him- I dunno.
Me- Huh.
Him- Rockkk?
Me- What bands do you like?
Him- I don't know..
Me- *rolls eyes* Um. Aerosmith?
Him- No.
Me- Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, Guns n Roses, The Doors, The Polic--
Him- OH, GOD! THE POLICE! YES, I LOVE THEM!
Me- Oh, what's your favorite song by them?
Him- Um, Every Breath you Take?
Me- Oh, I hate that song.
Him- Oh, never mind. I hate that one too.
(He likes me).

How stupid?! And, yes, I do love Jessica but not that about her. So, back to my photoshopping.

in*.
Anyway, lots of luck wished to me today..
and I didn't win most artistic in my classroom. Whoo hoo!

and I'm shitting on my pants, really.

oh and this is very, very, very unhelathy. I'm anxious, nervous, and I have a problem. I just can't keep this up. Imagine what it'd be like on Saturday.. Oh my fucking God, two days. Two fucking days.
Yes, I said God. But my god's not your god, so get over it. Seasons<3

Why do houseless -houseless- people have signs saying "HOMELESS"? Because most of them have homes like their jackets, the floors, their matresses, etc. But what they mean to say is houseless, not homeless.
I'm homeless, though.

I'm listening to this stupid song and, for some reason, I have butterflies in my stomach, I almost can't breathe. For the very first time. I'm so NAIVE. There, Gaby.

If by The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

& everytime people talk about rapes and that kind of thing, I think of Lawrence and I. It's not like he raped me, but it was because it wasn't necessary. But still. It was sort of like an easy rape? Because I wanted to. But he planned it and he was just using me and, well, what not.
I'm doing a "home" poster. I'm not that stressed out anymore. Whaterver happens happens. Even though Saturday depends on four fucking years of high school! Whatever. Right.
Oh, listen to Blood on the Dancefloor, Austin recommended that. And he liked his CD I burnt him. Whee!

Ohhh, well. No one's got my creativity. Really, no oneee.

I cried myself to sleep last night and I cried plenty in English 1st period class today. It wasn't just "the fact", but it did add to it. I think I'm just extremely bleu cheesed right now and last night I collapsed a little and the whole thing fell down with Mary's news. I dunno, but. Whatever. On life.

"Janie, don't stress over this. If it was meant for you then everything will fall into place."
"No. No, mom. Okay? No."

I'm tired of this stupid bullshit and people telling me that things happen for a reason and it's your destiny or whatever. And I don't believe any of this. Because it's bull and ugh. Me entering into DASH doesn't have to do with "God" being in a good or bad mood that day, him liking me, or me wearing his favorite color. It depends on me & me only. And the things that influence me, of course. But it depends on how much I want this, my tolerance, and how much I work to get it. Not "God" or anything/anyone else. Period, so shut upp.

Do you ever work hard, hard, hard? Like HARD as hell? 'Cause I am and right right now at this moment I'm pretty much wasting time but I needed some I'm from Barcelona fuel. Hand it overrr!

MOTLEY CRUE, DAMNIT.

Michelle's birthday's on the 3rd of next month. Hmm. Montley Crue has a show that day..
But she doesn't like 'em. She better start, though. And Heart has a show around the 26th or 27th or something.

hollllly shit, today's Austin B.'s bday! I'll probably burn him a CD. Aww. (:

I want to start seeing things differently and I'm training myself. When you see a heart, do you see a shape? Or do you see two heads very close to each other with the necks exposed? When you see a butterfly, do you see an organism? Or something that goes from flower to flower? When you see a plant, do you see something pretty? Or do you see a producer? When you see the sun, do you see a big yellow circle or do you see the basic source of life?

One more thing; Not everyone is pretty, but everyone can be beautiful depending on who sees it. So find the beauty in me, and hurry because there's not much time left. Only a few months.

0kk. So I went to like three or four different Targets today and I couldn't do anything about it because I'm sick and there's something on my toe that's none of your business. One of them was in Hollywood. Damnit, they rub it and almost shove it down your throat. We're Hollywood:
City of Hollywood Council Building, Family Dental Care of Hollywood, The City of Hollywood, Hollywood Park, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood Mall, Hollywood shithouse, Hollywood I-Don't-Care. And I'm in my seat passing by all the We're-Hollywood-so-you-should-be-jealous signs but trying to let my Owl City music distract me whennn
BAM.
There it is, nice & clear:
Hollywood Hills High.

Oh, no. It just bothers me because it's a random school that I'd never ever herad of before except my past boyfriend goes to the school. He probably lived somewhere close to it. So, so close. You know what I mean?

Yet so far.
Like touching something but not really touching it
or like kissing it but not really kissing it.
Because it's something physical, and not within you. Something that's superficial and that's all.
Like looking at something but not seeing it, damnit.
I'm almost done with my flower. I kinda fucked it up.
But mistakes are beatiful.

aw, shit. I'm becoming a T&S fan.
D:
):

"But I gave up long, long before you cared"

So I think that, the smarter we are, the harder it is for us to figure life out, why we're here and how we're here. How it all works. Children and maybe mentally challanged people or maybe animals can figure it out faster. I think it's one of those things in which you think it'll be so complicated and so complex that you think of it like that and look and think and think. Like those simple puzzles. The kind that you write something and, when read outloud, you say a sentence totally different from what appears to be and you're squinting your eyes and trying your very best, when it's not necessary because all you have to do is read it, damnit. Or the "egg sandwich" visual game or the "road" one. And all those sorts and if you don't know what I'm talking about, it doesn't matter because I know what I'm talking about. So, what I'm saying is that maybe we have all these geniuses and philosophers figure life out when the extremely youthful knew it all along.
You have to dumb yourself.
I have to dumb myself.
But I can't, damnit.
I can't.
I'm not saying I'm the ultimate genius -I'm not- and reversing how advanced I am is too hard and blah blah blah but when you're about fourish, it's too late. When you know words and feelings and colors and sounds, it's too hard for anyone.

songs to go listen to:
Cake Bake Betty - 64 little qhite things
Tegan and Sara - Days & Days

fucking amazing. And I don't use that word for ordinary things, just reminding you.
I miss Mary being one of my best friends.

this is so addicting. It's funny how I keep on running away from my flower. I think I'm scared of fucking it up. I hold myself back, make excuses. Like turning on the T.V. even though I never ever watch it anymore, like pretending I'm hungry and making myself a miso soup -I never pretend I'm hungry-, like pretending I need to listen to a certain song NOW to keep me going.. and I don't because when I get to my computer, I start looking through my library for a song to listen to. I stand up, take my dogs outside. Go back, do three strokes and get scared again.
Anyway, that miso soup was really good. It's Japanese. I added baked beans to it because the damned soup only had 3 grams of protein so I added about 3 more with the beans. It comes in a package like EasyMacs or those noodle soups they sell. I bought it at Super Target yesterday. That Target was really nice, I wish I lived there.
I love Target!

Yeah, that was Brian's idea and I would always laugh. But it's really clever. Anyway, you know what's really depressing?
No school on Monday (tomorrow). One day less.
Andddd the auditions are this fucking week. Ugh. Do you think I'll make it?

here are some of my favorite book pages:



and if it's too big for you to handle, leave.

the fact that being in shape makes someone more attractive is an insticnt. And you can't argue because it's true.

I didn't read it or memorize it, but I'm smart and I don't memorize everything from other people's heads, I think myself and make my own conclusions.

Only a look can break your heart.


Good, pretty good.

Hello, and happy Valentine's! Man, if it were a school day. If it were a school day..
"kill the lights, these children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drihhnks"

I'm saying that when, in the last entry, I said that we may watch a movie, I didn't mean Nick and I. I meant people in general.

Anyway, I just got back from the movies/Johnie's/dance. I thought the movies (Friday the 13th) was pretty gay because 1) the "cool" -yet gay and stupid dumbshits- kids were up and didn't save us a seat, so me an Alex had to seat in the front. It was just me and him, him pretending to be tough and not scared of anything. There's nothing wrong with not being scared of anything -even if it is kinda unnatural and unhuman- but he was pretending. At least, that's what I think. I think he likes me, but I think every guy likes me. So it's never accurate.

At the dance:
I got in free, but that's not really the main idea.
I danced with Nick, but he has a frikin' Obama wallpaper on his cellphone which is even better than dancing with him. How cooool!? So you can imagine me jumping up and back down when I saw that. Because I was.
But, of course, it would've been much better if it were something like.. Conor. Or Conor with Barack. There we gooo.
And he was wearing this cool striped dress-out polo that looked good, I liked it.
aw, you know who :}
lol, Gaby and her boyfriend George Cruz -mainly them two- and Valeria were there right next to us staring and almost drooling. I mean, really. Carlos kinda pushed me into Nick.
PUSHED ME.
That's bad, a metaphor of things rushing aka going too fast.

But, jeeez, he's so cute. He laughs some kinda deep & free laugh.
I'm going to go shower now. And take some of this racoon make-up off. Lay tar.

Today's got to be one of the worst days ever..
Andres gave me a bible. A fucking bible for valentine's day.
And he asked me to go out with him to church. Fucking church.
He knows I'm atheist.
I got my period and it was the worst one I've had in my life so far.
Shit happened.
Nick didn't ask me out to anything.
But I think he was trying, as I saw him in the second floor in fifth period, when he was supposed to be in the third floor. I saw him outside Bonet's when 3rd period ended and he's not usually there, he was looking for me with his eyes in lunch, and I dunno. But I think I'm right. The valentine's dance is at 6:30 tonight in the blue cafeteria. He's going. I'm going to Main St after that, which is at 8:30. We might watch a movie or something..
Cute.


And if you're sending me messages privately, then please write a subject in because, otherwise, I can't read them. Thanks.

what I mean by emphasize:

Me- I'm pregnant.
Caro- Oh. I'm here for you, baby.
Average Person- OMGGZZZZZ! What the hellz wrong with you!? You're so fucking young!! OMFGGG!

Me- I do all types of drugs there is.
Her- Oh, cool.
AP- Holy shit, broooo.

Me- I'm going to kill myself..
Caro- Why?
AP- What the fuck's wrong with you!!!! Don't do it, damnit! There's people that actually care about you, fucktard! YOU'LL GO TO HELLL!

Me- I cut myself the other day.
Caro- Oh, did it hurt?
AP- WHY!? You sick emo kid! Ewww.

Me- I'm atheist.
Caro- Oh, that's cool. I'm (carolina's religion).
Averge Person- You don't believe in GOD!? Then what the hell do you believe in!? Science, evolution?

Me- I have AIDs.
Her- I'm here for you baby.
AP- Holy shitttt, get away from me, you freakkk.

Me- I'm in love with Michael Jackson.
Her- I'm here for you, baby.
AP- WHAT!?

Me- I want to be a pornstar.
Her- Oh, I want to be (whatever she wants her career to be)
AP- But you'd get naked in front of millions of pervs! Ewww!

Most of these, if not all, didn't actually happen, I just made them up. But it still shows how she keeps her cool, because she certainly does.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about people.

Everytime I'm in art and my table's talking about Katie, Maria, Wendy, etc etc., I think of this saying.

funny how my head hurts when I start to do 'em circles, eh?

Hahaha, I love Carolina with my whole heart. She won't judge and won't emphasize on things that everyone lese would.
But one get three free.
(:
love her.

I love people easy, hey.
I've been told, more than once, to
"take a joke".
Whatever.

i abuse this journal thing way too much. I mean, 203+ journal entries? What is that?

hah, just realized you-know-who is what they call Voldemort in Harry Potter and what I call..
you-know-who.

my dragon looks fucking awesome, it looks soooo funny. Haha. If you want me to like you, three rules to live by:
1) Do not lie.
2) Do not try to trick me.
3) Talk like an artist.

&And&
this sucks because I copied it right from a manga tutorial s it looks oh-so-fake! Hmph.
But, good thing is, I have school tomorrow.
I eat in the blue cafeteria & I have all periods.
So, that meeeeeeens I get to see you-know-who
{:

I;m listening to first breath after a coma, I like it vey much.
By Explosions in the sky?
Yahhh, awesomuki band.

And found it again! Yayyy! :D

Shit I lost my rght frog earrring. D:

That's it, I'm takin' a break. My hand's tired, my eyes hurt, I'm irritated, there's pencil marks on my computer screen, I'm all over the place, and all that sort of things. It was perfect until I started doing the girl's legs and had to cram it all up because it wouldn't fit and it looks tiny next to the huge torsos. Fuck you, Carlos!
No, just kidding. I mean, I'll get it done. Just because you guys are so cute. I think I know why hearts are shaped like they are, it's what it looks like when two people make out. My hearts will look different from everbody else's now just because I know what's behind it. FREEDOM!

Ugh.. .
Anyway, I think that if you like a song a lot a lot a lot, you shoudln't listen to it 24/7. I know, it sounds weird. But you end up getting sick of it and you don't want to get sick of hearing your favorite song, do youuu?
(;

holy shit my visual diary's awesome, almost amazing. My first page is this great design idea I had in 5th grade but never took it seriously, I thought anyone could come up with something like that and everytime I ate french fries at McDonald's or BK or Wendy's or asparagus I would think of the idea and how cool it was. Like my own little secret. It's my first page because it represents me really well and if I were to start a fast food restaurant it would be healthy and this would be the logo. I don't have a name for it yet and I don't think it'll have one, I'll just call it
"book".
Cheers!

I'm ditching this journal and making a visual one. Goodbyeee! (;

I'm sneaking out tonight at II AM. Not with Lawrence, with Ariana and Austin. Cool, ehh?
& I'm getting a facial at 9:30 AM tomorrow. My dragon has started to peel, shit.

"You scare me and fascinate me."

She told me that, and I didn't know what it meant at first. Then I got it. It's that feeling I get with Nick. Or Ivanna, even though it's not as strong anymore. I guess it's because I see her in art,

I've noticed that this girl makes up a lot of shit -in private- and so does Chris. I feel like he just tells me things to keep from liking Nick. And to make him "cool"
saying Nick's like his "bro"
yeah right.

Ok, today was more than great. It was a higher level than that. Kind of. -I'm listneing to I'm not your boyfriend baby, whooooo hooo! "mothafuckas best believe it, that yre fuckin with the best"..."cheap drinks"-
So, today, I talked to Nick, like up front.
:o
I froze out. Seriously. I didn't know what to say at allllllll
lol.
How stupid, I felt so stupid. I'm not usually like that around guys, even if I like them. And I can flirt with guys but..
He's different.

He's so upbeat and cheerful. Bet he'd never say the word bored. I hate it when people say thattt.
I'm so shy, lol. But I'm not. It's weird.
BLAHHH!

I ain't cho boyfriend baby
I ain't yo cute little sex toy
I'm not your lion nor your tiger
won't be your nasty little boy
I'm not your boyfriend bby
I can't grant your every wish
I'm not your knight and shining armor
so i just leve you with this kiss
*actully kisses out* (:

you know I 'rep this shit
i got it tatted on my skin
if you fuckin with my city
the you're fucking with my kin
you know I 'rep this shit
I got my hands up on your chest
motherfuckers best believe it,
that you're fuckin with the best

kill the lights
these children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinnnks



Amazingly beautiful. Anyway, I woke up at four today. I think it's the music that I;m starting to sleep to. And I woke up to this song. Blows me out.

I gave metal some attention and it's payed off. It's good.. (:
Oh, and 3oh!3's I'm not your boyfriend baby? It's like a mixture of rock, rap, metal, pop, and nice techno/dance. So my thing. Lovvvvve it, I'm listening to it right now.
So, adding on to today's topic, Ivonne might not go to DASH. Because her mom doesn't apporve it. Holy shit, I fucking wanted her to go. I want everyone to goooooooo. I almost slapped her today lol. And her mom. If Michelle goes, that'd be the fucking shit. Carolina should join also..
Gaby's pretty sweet.
& I got my letter from New World today. Guess what, hoe? I've got it the same date and time as DASH. They make you choose one of the two. They're like rivals, lol. When I went to the workshop at NW, a lady asked what was the difference between the schools and the guy giving the presentation was like, "WE'RE BETTER," with this really shut-up-and-never-say-that-again voice. I'm obviously going to DASH, even though I'd like to try out for both. Whatevahh.


...Lawrence.

An odds day. Ugh. So, anyway, I want to go home right now. Anddd see Lawrence again. No special reason, I just want to sneak out with him. It's fun.

It's raining really hard right now. *sigh*
I'm researching Chile for my mask right now. Fun.

I got my memory stick/card/whatever yesterday. Cool.

So I'm kinda obsessed with Lil Wayne's single.. I know I said it sucked and it does but I want to listen to in peace! And I've downloaded about 15 different files already and then deleted them because they've all sucked so far and finally I get my hands on a perfet quality one.. and when he gets to
the prom queen, the prom queen
with his shitty scrathcy voice,
I start hearing these AIM sounds!!! I was so upset.. Almost beat my computer to death. ALMOST. No domestic abuse here. But, anyway, ugh. FUCKKKK! I've been trying to get it for about three day straight!!!


Besides thatttttt.
Today was a good day. It was different.
I like different,
if you haven't noticed.
(;

What Katrina said the other day in art was just--
Cruel!
I'm still not over it. I know she's right but I don't want her to be. Damnit.
Anyway, I think it's better if I just do scribble scrabbles and then develop my ideas from then.

RULES:
1. Put your MP3 player/ iPod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" You say?
Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
(oh hoooo)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Boom, Drop, Shake- Pitbull
(Kind of, actually.)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Lucky- Lucky Twice.
(I hope not O_O)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Vanishing Act- Bright Eyes
(Yeah, I think)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Flimsy- The Ropes
(Ha.)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I must belong somewhere- Bright Eyes.
(Whatever.)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Linger- the cranberries
(Yehh, some of them.)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Electric Feel- MGTM
(:] ooooohkay thennn)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Time of your life- Greenday
(ok)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
On the radio- Regina spektor
(Wtffff!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I'm going hungry- Pearl Jam
(ok)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Let go- Frou Frou
(ok, not too bad)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Mexico- Jump Little Children
(Oh my gosh, yeahhhhhh)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Helicopter- Bloc Party
(IT WILL BE THE BEST FUCKING WEDDING EVER.)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Flashing Lighst- Kanye West.
(Awwww I like this song. Cool)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
Addicted- Simple Plan
(That just does not fit)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Like You- Bow Wow ft. Ciara
(Nahhh)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Trees get wheeled away- Bright Eyes
(Ok, kewl)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Wonderful Tonight- Eric Clapton
(Yeah right.. )

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
BANG BANG- Nancy Sinatra!!!!!
(Holy shit, I love this song!! Yeahhh, fuck me. )

451
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Aww, go listen to Butterfly by Crazy Town.
Such a cute let's-fuck-even-though-there's-nothing-behind-it song.
(;

Ok, so Nick commented back a, "hello"
that's mainly why I came here, then forgot, then came again to write something else:
I have to admit:
Lawrence+His Girlfriend= Cute.
They actually areeee. Aw.
(:
And so are Kevin and Ivanna. Even if it is kinda awkward..

Have you listened to Lil' Wayne's "rock" single Prom Queen?
It sucks. I can't believe it's this horrible. Ew.

Hey, cutiee!
Ugh. So, anyway, whatever on life. I think Mary was right and I was wrong.

oh and if you check out p.108 in the fiction book The Catsitters you see SoHo's name in there. How cool?

Ok, so this is freaky. After I told Anuez about the bloody film (Far North) with the face and everything -ewww-, he asked me to let him read my palm. I let him, I thought I'd be fun. He did, he told me I had a bad temper. I didn't think this was true, but whatever. I come home and this huge fight breaks between my parents and I. Isn't that weird? He was trying to tell me that people make their own luck. They believe what they want to believe. Because that's what the movie was about. The lady brought bad luck to people, but it was her who caused it, no one else. She influenced the man and his tribe's death in some way that the viewer of the film missed because they didn't show it, but she herself caused the bad luck of the guy that fell in love with the rescued girl and the girl herself. That's what the movie's meaning is. There's no "destiny". You make it happen. It may be subconsciously, but you still make it happen. Whoa, I love him.

I got a cut on my arm yesterday night. I don't think it was so much of an accident.

and I wore onne of those sexy underwears of mine under my jeans today and I went to the bathroom, pulled my pants off and looked down. I smiled. That made my day.
I'm so fucking cutttte!
(:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lawrence tthe lizard king
Date: Jan 28, 2009 5:37 PM
"cn u tlk to me plz?"

ok, so yeah. I did say hi to Nick, so shut up. Not at school, as I didn't see him close close to me alone. I just posted him a, "hey" comment on myspace.
Gay.
Uggggh. And I didn't hug Anuez. It didn't feel like the right thing to do. I'll hug him when (if) I get in officially. I think he knows I shouldn't have this excitement so much because, if I don't get in, I'd be bummed. Everyone got their letter yesterday too:
Ivonne Serrano
Michelle Raudsepp
Gabriela Obando
and, me.

Just finished drawing a maple syrup drawing WITHOUT earsing anything. AND... discovered that when you wanna sneeze but can't because, I don't know, there's not that much into it in your body and that feeling is o-so-annoying, look directly at a light source (fire, lightbulb, sun, etc) and you'll sneeze. Promise.

yay ((((:
When you said tulips, I knew that youre mine when I caught you there crying in the night wearing my jacket wearing that smile, I knew that I'd found you. Where you unawares did it catch you out or did it break you in, ra-ight from the start? It's as pure as fire, it's as pure as snow I knew that I'd found you
tuhutututhhhhhh tuhh.
This could be an opportunity
if you promise to let it, if you promise to let it grow.

'cause youre the one I love! 'Cause youre the one I lohh-vehh hh

I have school tomorrow. I can tell people. I can speak. Not talk, but speak. I love the language I communicate with.

I'm talking to Nick tomorrow. I swear. I promise to Sun.
I'm taking my camera to school tomorrow.
I'm wearing eye liner.
I'm going to show that I'm proud of what I am.
I'm hugging Anuez, I don't care.

But, most importantly,
I'm going to smile the whole day. I swear! I fucking love art. And, yes, I'm a freak. But at least I'm not a poser all over "Edward" because everybody else is and "it's the way to go!" and I'm not the one doing something because authorities tell me to do so. I do it for my own good. And, yes, I may be selfish. But at least I'm not a softie/pushover. Get over yourself.


"this is a love song. i myself have never been in love, but i imagine this is what it would be like."
-Conor Oberst.
I love him too. He's inspiring.
Why am I going to talk to Nick tomorrow?
"If you wait for the perfect moment, the perfect moment is going to pass you by."
-Off Gab's binder.
Yehhhhh!!!

I got a letter from DASH. It's good.
That's all there is to it.

I watched a horribly shocking movie last night with my parents. It was horrible. A lady -let's name her Top- is cursed when she's born, bringing bad luck to anyone foolish enough to get near her. She's eskimo, or whatever it is that you call people living on the poles up there. She meets a guy and joins his tribe. One day, she comes "home" from gathering some berries and finds the whole tribe dead, her "boyfriend" tied to a tree bleeding to death. Some Russians by him having a drink. She hides but gets caught, then raped. She starts crying, crying, crying. And after that she hears a baby crying -I don't think it's her own from the rape. Let's name her Riki-. And she raises the girl -it's a girl- and then she's all grown up -about 17-. Then, one day, a guy escapes Russian slavery and he's freezing in the tundra and Top rescues him and brings him "home" -home is, now, inside some isolated icy island-. The guy and Riki fall in love and Top kinda likes him too. But, course, Riki's young. She gets knocked up and wants to leave with him. So she tells Top this, and she's all sad and quiet and thoughtful. Riki is packing up and Top tells her to let her comb her hair, so she does..
"You must look your best before he comes."
And starts combing her hair. Then she kills her with the braid around her neck, choked. Then, grossly, she gets a blade and cuts her face off. The dripped blood is fed to the dogs. She washes the face and, guess what, puts in on her own face to make the guy believe it's Riki. The guy gets home and they start messing aroung and then he's on top of her kissing and shit.. He touches her face but Top refuses and he's like touching it..
What the hell?
He takes it off her.. He yells, screams, shouts. He goes outside butt naked-heyyy remember, it's fucking cold out- yelling and shouting no, no, no!!!s over and over again.

This movie is gross. She did it because she was jealous that she got raped and the other girl has her guy -that, by the way, was very nicely hot-. But, still. That was the grossest movie I'll ever see. Most shocking. PHHHHHhhh. Ewww. My dad agreed that that was the most absurd movie he's seen and he's seen everything. I had watched Saw V before this and this movie -already stupid- seemed like Mickey Mouse next to this. It's not scary, just shocking. No one can ever do something like thattttt. And Saw V was very stupid. Ver, very stupid.

TODAY:
Ordaz didn't like my mask. You know what? Fuck her. Because I like it and that's much more rewarding than a meaningless A+. I don't give a shit, because I'd give myself an A+ and I don't care what she thinks. I'm free, you bitch. Nick looks at me, Mariah says. All the time. I don't know. Chris says he doesn't like me. But I still don't trust Chris to a whole. I sit next to Mary again (:
Jazmin skipped school after lunch today, it seems. Costero was making a huge deal of it. So was I. I'm not entirely used to this. She's getting scammed. I don't think I'll ever skip school again. I mean, who wants to skip DASH? And I can't miss anything else this year, so yeah. I miss you-know-who
:}

enough with the jokes. I went running on that marathon today, and guess who I saw therererere...
Cesar!
The little kid I went out with in 6th grade, Jaziel's friend, the guy who was overly obsessed with me. He's darker. Cesar Tirado? He's Wendy G's ex, too.
About the marathon: It was just one mile. I made a friend, his name's Chris. Fully Christian. Either Christian or Cristian, not sure. I made a very meaningful mask sketh. I CRIED while doing it. Do you know what that is? Those are treasure tears. It's true!!
+And make that person in particular feel guilty. And remember Janie and all the shit done when they hear Janie's got a gun. I think it's probably very obvious by now, whatever.

I want people to "remember" me. Someone in particular. I think from that point on, it's too private to share. Just in case they read this.

everytime the thought burns in my head, I don't know why it happens. But I think Fallen Leaves knows:

"A week ago today, a girl from one of my neighbouring towns committed suicide. My friend was in her class, and she, obviously, was all torn up about it. Apparently, nobody suspected it and she seemed like a very happy person.

All over, people from her town were writing poems, gathering old pictures of her, and putting her name in their signatures of their text messages. I didn't know her, so I can't speak on her behalf. But to think... if she was a quiet and ignored type, like a few people in my class, this would be the ultimate accomplishment.
What am I talking about, you ask?

The cry for attention. What if this girl wanted to be loved, wanted to be recognized and known, and didn't know how to achieve it? Is that what it really took for people to appreciate her? Were people really that ignorant of her existance, or was she really ignorant of the love she was getting? What went on in her mind before she literally 'tightened the noose?' My friends that actually knew her said that she was a very cheerful, upbeat, and kind person.
It just proves that nobody can ever fully know someone. I don't think it's possible to know someone, inside and out. There is always a secret, always something tucked away in a corner, covered in dust like a forgotten book. I'd say I hate this idea... but I don't. I don't think so at all. How boring would life be if everything was exposed, and there wasn't a single private thought, and what you saw was all you got? If there was nothing more behind what you initially knew? That would be so boring and uneventful.

And yes, I realize I'm asking a bunch of stupid questions that don't want/need/have answers.

Keeping on the topic of suicide, I really want to say something. I might piss a few people off with this, and some people might even let out a little cheer. And some people may have already clicked out from my journal and went back to watch their clown porn or whatever the hell they are into.

I think suicide is selfish.

Nah, it's not an original thought, I know.

But there's a person that is so lost and depressed and has burnt all of their bridges, and they blind themselves with their emotions. They blank out the people in their lives that actually care about them, that really do love them, and lock the door, pull down the blinds, sit in their room, pour gasoline, and light a match.

When they want to get out, it's too late.

I know; other people's lives are shitty. I think mine's oh-so-horrible sometimes, even though I know damn well that I'm a very privileged person. But I don't think a person's life is ever so bad that they need to end it. If you end it, there's no chance of recovery. There's no chance of things getting better. There is absolutely no hope left for things in regular life to improve.
Anyways, to wrap this up, I'm going to post a youtube video of one of my favourite songs.
"

"You have to feel art."
-Anuez.
I feel it now. I cry as I go. I feel it.

I love Austin Bowlin. He's not a singer, just a seventh grader at my school. But he's super cool.

yes I'm guilty of this you should know this..



yes i know the feeling, know you're leaving


whoa. describes me right now. kinda.

tu tuhh tuh tuhh tu tuhh tutututut
tutu tutu tutu tutu tutu
dahh dahh dahh tu dah tu dah tu dahh
tuh tuh tuh dddddddddddt
when you said tulips
I knew that you're mine
when I caught you there
crying in the night
weairnig my jacket
wearing that smile
i knew that i'd found you

do doooo doo to dooo
doo dooo doooo to doooo

Where you unawares
did it catch you out
or did it break you in
right from the start
it's as pure as fire
it's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you

this could be an opportunity
this could be an
opportunittty

if you promise to let it, if you promise to let it groww
if you promise to let it, if you promise to let it grow.

auuuuuhhhh oooooh oooh ooh ohh hoo
auuuuuhhhh oooooh oooh ooh ohh hoo
auuuuuhhhh oooooh oooh ooh ohh hoo
auuuuuhhhh oooooh oooh ooh ohh hoo

daaadadadadadadadadadadaaaatatatatatata
'cause youre the one I love
'cause youre the one i lovvee
'case yre the one i love
'cause youre the one i love
'cause youre the one I LOVE!

this could be an opportunity
[you're the one i love!]
this could be an

opportunity
'cause youre the one i love!
if you promise to let it, if you promise to let it grow.




Notice the it's as pure as fire, it's as pure as snow part how it's very similar to Conor's/ Bright Eyes No lies just love. It's true!!

Yeah, so I know I haven't written in a long ass time, well excuse me! Whatever. Gaby already moved to my art period yesterday, so I'm a little more understood now. Because she understands me and doesn't think I'm going crazy and she takes me into account unlike other people -aheam, Mariah-.
She's quiet, though. Not like Mariah and I, lol. Anywayyyy moving on to the next subject..
Oh, and by the way, Katie wants to move in too but it looks like there's not enough space, Gaby said.
Anywayyyy moving on to the next subject..
Ivanna and Kevin got in trouble today because they we're either kissing or because Costero caught Kevin in the cafeteria he wasn't supposed to be at. They had to go to their separate little corners just like they do back in kindergarden when the teacher yells at you, "TIME OUT!" and you get a sad face for the day. Ivanna seemed amused at Costero's idea of handling things, I didn't read Kevin's face. I had carrots for lunch today. And took my DiLella, my Pineiro, and my Bonet tests today. I missed one in Bonet's, then got a 95/100. Oh and I had one for Costero, which was way too easy. I got a 100. I'm going to ask her to recommend me to be in algebra II next year. I'll study the book over the summer, lol. I borrowed some books from Costero, too. An awesome tree one which is awesome. I have my mask idea for art, it's simple yet wonderful. Not amazing, not yet.

ok, so I'll admit it:
I'm kinda
Jealous. Yup, I said it. Jealous. She seems pretty.
Note what I said about the word, touhgggg.
But I don't know her, can't tell. But that's not why I'm jealous. I'm jealous because, I don't know..
She's 18?
Maybe..
But she's got something that makes her, to law, better than me.
I don't get it! I'm not that bad, I'm I!?
NICK!!!
damnit.

weird name:
kayleigh

I'm just honest, not mean. lol.

she got a freakin' myspace!!
hoaaaaaa omgosh, i love gossip lol
well, anyway, she's all over him. Kinda like the way I was when we were together. And it's weird because I didn't get one until I knew he had one and just decided to get one because.. you know. ugh. and so did she..
And she's his #2, his mom his first. The same way it was..
And I'm not there anymore, just the way it was..
and, well I bet after sometime she's going to move up to #1 and his mom either #2 or last one..
oh, gosh. I got butterflies when I click to see his page. Dunno why..
D:
dang.

omfomg, omfg, omg, fg.
I got my nikon not long ago for $539.99
at circuit city because they're closing down.. [moment of silence]
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

anyway, I'm naming it -no gender- SoHo. That's where I'm going to live in NY. Art has been an inspiration to move here and NY has been an inspiration to do art. I think it's a proper name.
It's beautiful. I still haven't figured it out, I don't have a SD card.
:(
My dad says we'll get it tomorrow, though.
I can't wait to rub this on Anuez's face, lol.
YAY.
that's all I have to say.

that i'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.

best lines ever, by 3oh!3
don't trust me.

whoo hoo! Martin Luther King Jr. day. How cool?
Anyway, I dreamed that Mariah told Nick that I liked him and I was right there and he takes me outside and tells me, "I know."
Then we're outside some place and there's asian people cooking barbeque and the give me and mariah a sausage and we go inside some hallway and I think she started eating it, but I say, "I'm a vegetarian." and she goes like, "oh really?"
then there's like some movie shooting on the roof of an apartment and people move from apartement to apartment..

Circuit city is closed down:
http://www.circuitcity.com

34,000 people worked there. That's horrible. But there's a good thing about it : they're having a liquidation sale, so I'm going to Circuit City to get my camera today. I have a total of $422.1
And I entered a contest for cutest dogs yesterday, I entered Perla. Hope she wins...

I just talked to Karol on MSN. I love her. I feel so like myself when I talk to her.
~free.
it's not that I don't normally, but I'm freer w/ her.

I'm just pretty.
Think about the word, though.
What's pretty?
It's something nice to look at. And you can't argue becuase I've thought about the meaning and usage of the word for many nights and days & hours and that's what it means. Period.
But that's bad, superficial. Something nice to look at. Ugh.

Yr body's cold buy, girl, we're getting so warm
& I was thinking of ways that I could get inside
tonight yre falling in love
[let me go now]
this feeling's tearing me up
[here we go now]
now if she does it like this
would you do her like that
now if she touches like this, would you touch her like that?
now if she moves like this, would you move her like that?
c'mon
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it

your lips tremble but your eyes are on a straight stare
we're on the bed but your clothes are laying right there
and I was thihking of places that I could hide
tonight yre falling in love
[let me go now]
this feeling's tearing me up
[here we go now]
now if she does it like this
would you do her like that
now if she touches like this, would you touch her right back?
now if she moves like this, would you move her like that?
c'mon
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it
I saw you dancing and I couldn't get you off my mind
I could tell that you could tell that I was takin' my time
I was thinkin of ways to get you to stay tonight
body's shakin
turn me on so I can turn off the lights


Only unsucker song by metro station, pretty good, huh? lol, reminds me of lawry and I.

Conor's bday is coming up, I wonder what I'll give him. (:

My Love- Justin Timberlake.
I like his voice. It's very fragile. Just when it's like it is in the beginning of the song, though. Then it gets normal.
Soooo we went cookie selling at pulix and I saw Natalie with Maria and Giselle -that's not how you spell it-. We sold like 12 cases. That's kinda good. Whatever. I need to get some homework done, and yeah. I'm also listening to Bright Eyes' Fevers and Mirrors album right now. It's good. Not great, not mazing. But still good. The gase is extremely kick-ass. It's got a mirror and red "fevers" around it. Howw coooooollll. It's about how you see yrself. Guess so are my self-portraits.......

http://www.bangor.ac.uk/~mas009/neurogym/exercises/handeye.htm

"I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful."
John Constable (1776 - 1837)

Gosssh. I don't think it's realllllly true, as I've seen ugly things -my hair when I wake up in the morning- but that's beautiful, the way he said it. And it's kinda true..

yeah, just drew a self-portrait, it looks quite nice.
"Can I criticize it?"
"Yeahh?"
"It looks like a cartoon, the nose is a little small and the upper nose are a is too wide. The face is too small for the features. But the lines are EXCELLENT."
"Thanks."
"Yup, keep it up(:"

and adding to the law's puzzle thing, some girl tagged him and they were on their bathing suits and she had that kind of basketball boobs. Haha. No comment.

"Cause youre the one I lovvvvvve!!"
Yeah, tulips.
Can I say how much I love my art instructor?
We're going cookie-selling in a while (again)...
-_-
Yesterday was fun. Gab's bash was about a 7.5/10
Carolina is the coolest thing ever. We were dance partners. We looked so gay, lmao. Lisa was talking to us. I like her a lot, she;s so down to earth. Cory was being a little bitch, too. Luis was hoping to get boners off Cassandra, Alexandra, and Iliany. Cassandra's real nice too. Katie asked why I wrote that about her in here. Well, I write everything in here, Kat. Nothing gets left out.
"Music played and ppl sang
just for me the church bells rang"
George and Gab are really, really, really very super cute. He's not like the rest of the guys -Luis- getting jizz in their pants -lmfao, watch jizz in my pants on YouTube, it's hilarious- and he's a real nice guy. So innocent. Means he won't cheat, duh. Sebastian wants a hug, I knew it was just because he saw me like that.
And then I was dancing and Sebastian C. is cold and I tell him that once he starts dancing he gets warm, so he gets behind me. I hated that. Because, hello, we never ever talk, so it's like, "Hey, Jane. Let's dance."
And I spelled my name incorrectly on purpouse. Because that's how people think it's spelled and that Janie is just a nickname.

cookie selling at publix yesterday then gaby's sam's party, then sleepover at the church. found kitty's home.
More details later, no time now.

http://www.ebtx.com/art/art05.htm

by the way, I got my glasses the other day. I'd lost my other ones but I got the same exact ones brand new. They were on sale.

You can take my heart. Just take it. Run away with it, if you like. Just take it away from me and never look back.
I ran to day, 1.2 miles+. I went to the salon, got a nail polish. It's gray OPI, called sheer something toys. We don't have school tomorrow. Some kids went to TECH on some fieldtrips. Valeria's gone to Colombia, so it's just me and Mariah. Nick is so cuttttte. In math we just played some cockroach game on the smartboard and I was talking to Chris. I talked to Kevin and Alex when I was leaving. And Mariah and Katie. And Gaby gave me her party's "notice". Which is Sam's bday surprise party. We cleaned in french and Marra was wearing a really bright yellow long-sleeve that looked great on her. I should draw now..
Oh, by the way, I have another great GREAT idea:
I feel like I might fall apart apart because of everything I'm going through and doing like homework, afterschool activities, clubs, beauty, parents, friends, new york, camera, job, enemies, fcat, finals, midterms, teachers, MORE!
And things are going to get even hairier if I enter DASH. I'd have to wake up extremely early, go to sleep extremely late, more homework, more school hrs, new people -which I don't mind at all-, and DASH is just plain hard. I'll have to keep up with my academics and art.
My feet are going to be made out of bleu cheese. You know how it's got like this really crumbled up texture and is crumbled up? Well, yeah. My feet'd collapse.
I'll have oil touching them, meaning how things will get harder with time. Harder to walk. It's not impossible to make it, of course. But it's hard.
I'm still looking for a background theme.
The toenails will be polished yellow. 1)Nail polish, I think, represents me very well as it's one of my big obsessions. 2) Yellow is a happy color. I'm just "polishing" it on. It's superficial, I'm trying to boost my mood. It's not internal. I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm happy. -Of course, happy isn't the right word. You can rarely find "right words" to describe things in literature. Visual arts are much better-. I might make it purple instead, as it's a very confident color. It'd mean that I'm trying to polish confidence on myself.

fuck you you fucking fuck, i don't give a shit about youuu! (how can i express this in art?) but, seriously. you fucking bitch, i fucking hate your fucking guts. go fuck your meantal problems. fuck!!!!!FUCK.
ok, I think I feel better now. I curse when I'm mad, if you didn't know that. And that was about my dad.

I'm waiting for my chandelier to dry. I'm spray painting it white. It's not the most beautiful thing you've seen in your life, but it's ok. And I said sorry to my dad. Yesterday I told him to
"Die young".
Because he wouldn't eat my tofu barbeque. Which, by the way, came out good.

I'm left handed. Left handed people work with the right side of the brain, making them more intellectual, more creative, more visual, and cappable of multi-tasking.
Barack Obama and McCain are left-handed. So was Da Vinci.
I'm in for a nice surprise.
Don't mean to brag, but you're the one reading this..

Ever heard of that? That the world was going to end on the day of Dec. 21st, 2012? If so, then we're pretty close.. Not enough time for me to get to NY. Whatever. Anyway, the shrimps my MOM made -I didn't help- didn't come out so great. It was definitely not her fault, but the food was awfully heavy. I like light things and my body is used to light things like sushi, apples, cereal, yogurt, tofu, milk, lemonade, cucumbers, lettuce, etc. I'm already used to it, hopefully my family joins me. It's so great, and your body doesn't have to work long extra hours. And you feel so much lighter and, and, and.. and. Happy!? Yup, happy. I guess. But it's not a bad feeling at allll. And it tastes so gooood. Everyrthing does. And I'm drawing my symmetrical leaf -_-
and this morning I drew my best so far spraybottle.
And I'm a vegetarian. Partly vegetarian, as this is the proper name:
Pescetarianism.
We eat no meat with the exception of seafood.
No steaks, no fish. Yuck.

And today's another special foods -in general- day. We're making some yummy shrimps, some yummy strawberry dessert, and some yummy salad! Whee heeeee (:
And we're learning slopes in Alg. 1..
It was even colder than yesterday today. I thought today was an odds day, but NOOOO. We had all periods. At least I had the things for the important classes, like Bonet and Dilella. And I always have my sketchbook with me, so that's a plus.
"I was five and he was six
we rode horses mad of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
he would always win the fight,
bang bang
he shot me down, bang bang
I hit the ground, bang bang
that awful sound, bang bang
my baBy shot me dowwwwn"

Very, very good song. And I looked super ugly today -excluding my hair, as it looked nice- because of this stupid uniform shirt.. Dilella didn't even collect the stupid dollars. We had a history test today -2nd period- that I was so not ready for but I had "learned like a story" so I was pretty fine. Not an A+, but fine. Whatever. You know, you should really, really -really- try the Greenwise Lemonade at Publix. It's delicious. 10% juice and not too much Vitamin C, though. Whatev. It's GOOd. My next door neighbor just gave us a bottle of champaign as a "winter" present..
I don't like her too much, she didn't take care of our doggies when we left on vacation. And Sydney thinks she's 23, but looks like she's 41. Sorry, Sydney -Suarez-. It's not working out..

Today is Miracle Day! My first official holiday!!! Yay...
I really have to work out my holidays too.
And my religion. What I believe in. I'm obviously making my own..
Oh and it's due to the first day of me and Mariah witnessing Valeria getting in trouble with Ordaz.
lmao.
what a MIRACLE.
oh, gosh. I laugh so much in that class.
"So, Andres, you single 'n' ready to mingle?"
hahahaha.

Ok, so let's say my pasta came out GREAT!
My dad rated it an 8 -on scale from one to ten-
My mom an 8 also
and, well, me.. an 8.21
hahaha. Joke's on us.
So, if you speak spanish, here's a joke:
Cual es el animal mas inteligente del mundo?
-- El leon. Porque lee mucho.
Haha, my aunt told me this joke and I was cracking up. It's not that funny but I have this thing for stupid jokes. And I wrote in in spanish because it's one of those that won't make sense in other languages. I, I, I, I, I, I, love my pasta.
& Katie Medina called me -user- just to ask me for some stupid science questions because I'm so smart -thank you very much- & nice, right? Uggh. When I told her I din't know the answer, all she said was,
"Oh. Ok. Bye."
So, do you just call to ask me these stupid little questions that you're too lazy to answer yrself? Shut up already. Get over it. Life is gonna run you over thanks to that lazy ass of yours.
You know something? Sometimes I feel like slapping that girl in the face..
She's so immature & childish.
"Get off those heels, Janie!" (screeeeechy voice)
"Walk in front. Just do it. Just walk in front. Walk in front."
"You're young. You don't need any makeup."
"PENIS"
"Let me lick your nipples." (This was not to me, she sent it to Lawrence on a text msg)
"You waste your money! Stop wasting your money!"
and, well, there's obviously more.
But, she's a really nice friend besides the lazyness. Yeahhhh! That's what it is. She lazy a' fuckin mothamockas -lol-. That's why she expects me to get all the tennis balls and ask people things because, uhhh, she's too shy. And, well, you know me... Not shy one bit. Unless you're like beyond, then that's different. But, anyway, she is nice and, you know...
Katie, just so sweet and clueless. And nice. She's nice. But she's too narrow-minded, won't listen to ideas. Especially mine. My ideas are complicated, though.
Whatever.

Ok, I forgot something but I was running short on time, I have to go to Publix and get my stuff for the pasta. Anyway, I've really been into this Bang Bang song by Nancy Sinatra lately and it's good, "I used to shoot you dowwwwn"

I wonder why do people say, "LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL"
even though they don't know what life is? And they know they don't know what life is, so why do they pretend?
On that starter:
I've been wanting to write. Today when we got out of lunch on our way to the art room, Mariah and Valeria are talking to Ivanna, so, whatever, I go with them. Ivanna's smiling for some reason I don't know -to them-. And she's about to leave, when VALERIA tells her -right in front of me-, "Oh and she doesn't like Kevin anymore," Ivanna looks at me. "Yeah, so you could tell him that," Valeria continues. Yvanna is really leaving know but looks back at me with this HELLA look that sort of froze me out; she's so intimidating. There. That's what it is.
Moving on to the next subject..
I copied my math homework from Francesca but she had most of them wrong so I had to do them problems myself for nothing, since Costero doesn't care. But I did get the majority right.
for sure:
I ran at least one mile today
and
it was a cold day today. I noticed on my way to art class.
I'm making tofu and artichokes pasta tonight. Sounds great!!!
:D

Oh my gosh, Keving and Ivanna!
They're like the cutest thing ever :D
And they rub it on everyone's faces, which is totally fine with me!
Not.
I mean, I don't like kevin at all anymore but Ivanna and him think that so it's kinda nice to make Janie jealous even though they can't, isn't it?
Whatever.
And I took my mathematics interm exam shit today and I didn't fisnish so I have to go tomorrow first thing in the morning. But I don't quite know how that's gonna work out, I have art club and, well, that's more important. And I left my sketchbook in 1st period today but Chris had it and gfave it to me right before lunch, so that's a plus. And andres is super shy around me, not that that's new. Mariah gave me five dollars as a chrsitmas present. And I had spaghetti for lunch today. Today was an evens day, which means I ate in the blue cafeteria. And guess what? Kevin came all the way to the blue cafeteria just to be with his girlfriend.
Sweet (:

my apartment in new york is cat-friendly. So I may get a cat :D

And I talked to Mr. Gonzalez, the cool councelor about scholarships, which I need for NY. And, well, it's a little too early to start out. But, hey, I need to get going. And he suggested I enter art contests -go figure?- for money if I need it and I told him I wanted to get working at a photo studio and he's like,
"Wow. Great."
and he gave me a huge smile.
Guess he's kinda proud I'm into this so much and I'm not like, "Yeah, I'll just go to some random local school and study at some random public college and drink some whiskey while at it."
I'm proud too.
I'm not saying there's not going to be whiskey for me, but, ya'll know..
(:

I just read my to-do list that I typed in a few days ago and, well, I'm getting my free cereal at http://www.totalcereal.com
Hey, economy's not that good. So shut up.
I'm overly obsessed with my studio in NY. Really! I mean, what's there not to like?
Check it outtt:
http://www.apartments.com/partner/avsummary.aspx?page=avsummary&property=101970.428&lookup=101970.428&prvpg=8&mode=18&prvpg=8&partner=fcl&prvpg=8#MenuItem
that's also for reference, so yup.
1)Click on PHOTOS AND FLOORPLANS
2)Click on studio (it's right above all the pictures)
3)there you go, that's my studio.
I went to Metro yesterday (at Main St. Yes, at Main St. Get over it) and the guy charged my cellphone with his charger and it started working so I made a liar out of myself. And, well today was the first day of school and I learned a lot -the most I've learned in a day- about art from Anuez. He's amazing, by the way. And note I don't use that word for cheap, ordinary things. But he really is. I used to be like in love with Ordaz and kissing her ass all the time -Mariah would be peeing her pants right now- but, she's not that good. She doesn't know & understand art like Anuez does, and Anuez gets right to the point, doesn't linger around and play games. I'm not saying Ordaz does, but whatever. And Anuez isn't obsessed with Mickey -lol- and and he doesn't say "cool". Ok:
-For straighter lines, look at your destination, not your starting point. I made out that this could definitely help out in life, as to look where yre going rather than where you are. So, I'm doing a pretty good job with that. (NY, DASH, etc.)
-Draw a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of lines and circles
-Get confident. [with yr lines. And in general also helps].
-Um, practice.

I experience a de javu moment today. No lie. Believe me. Whatever, if you want. I don't really give a fuck. But I'm not lying, psycho, or in love. So here it is:
I was walking up -north- the outside hall-like thing on the outside of the school. So I'm just walking and minding my own business and, as usual, criticizing things & life & people. So I'm walking (Ok, you know the back of the school where there's like a gym "field"? I was walking on the "hall" opposite to it, so it's the one with no grass, the one in which all the cars go by you and you run extreme danger... Not. Yeah, that one) and I see Ms. Garcia -the councelor that went on some crazy diet- going inside the PLC area. Before going in, you have to go in between a fence and some random wall. Yup, she was walking in between those when I saw her. I looked down at my wonderfully yellow shoes for about two seconds when I don't see her anymore -she had already entered the little playground-, and say in my mind, "ew. Ms. Garcia." I look up, and she's like about to cross the street. Hey, hey. You can't move that fast (two seconds!?), especially when you've gone through such an extreme diet and there's obsticles (cars, kids, blah blah). So, don't believe me.
I was walking to art and I'm talking to myself and Alexandra (not the slut) and Kristen are walking past and look at me like what the hell. HAHAHA. It was so goddamn funny. Yeah, I bet she'll tell Nick that. Oh and since we're here, I like him again. I was walking up the stairs to algebra and he was going down to idk where and we like- bumped. *gasp*
It was like strange, though. And I gave Mairah her little gay birthday present and she wasn't as excited for my originality as I'd have been. gEEZ. Yup, copied right from Heather's COCKSTAIN blog. Get over it. And Andres is like highly shy around me, nothing new. Oh! I met some guy at Busch Gardens, his name is Ellio and he lives in Naples and is 15 but looks like he's 18/25 -who knew?- and he was almost all over me and, "hey do you have a cell number?" "hey, do you got a myspace or something?" "hey how old are you?"
Oh and this was on some boat ride -Tidal Wave; my personal favorite- and I rode it about three fourish times in a row, and each boat ride is about 4 minutes long.
4*3.5= 14 total minutes of getting to know each other.
I don't like him, did I mention that? He's sorta desperate. He sounds like it. MySpace gets you all like that, desperate.

&&&!
Some 12-yr-old killed his mom over homework.
DISGUSTING; sad.

My cellphone is acting up. It turns on fine but all the keys work as the end key, so if you press, sa,y the one key for five seconds, it'll turn off. The volume keys don't work or anything either. I haven't dropped it or spilled on it, blah blah blah.

I have a small to do list that will grow in a few mins.:
-Go to Walgreens and get eyedrops (they make your eyes look super bright)
-Get my nikon.
-Wrap birthday presents. By the way, I got Mariah a birthday cake soap, it's SO cute. And Jessica her Bloc Party CD and Kevin my unused green hair dye.
-Write to KateMolly.
-Look up the sugar-salt scrub recipe online.
-Get free cereal.
-Get the winter -lol- cash from my mom.
-DRAW.
Oh and I drew an awesome lamp yesterday in my hotel room, it looks super good. I think I'm really getting better. Almost enough for them to accept me. I think my parents are starting with the divorce problem..
Whatever. It's just me and my dogs and my art -includes Zillah and my nikon- anyway.

We went to Busch Gardens yesterday -awesome- and shopping/ downtown disney today. I thought I saw Lawrence and his little stupid girlfriend at Bush, they were -if it was them- on that Skydive thing and I saw Lawrence looking down at me and the girl shooting pictures with her cheap Sony camera -omg, I don't know what camera it was but it looked cheap, so I'm assuming it was a Sony, which are crappy- I was about to ride tha Rhino Rally -Great, great shots, I missed my future to be nikon- and I just happened to look up and saw him there and he was looking down at me, got serious when he saw me. It was like 5 long seconds, I was scowling. His girlfriend was laughing and having the time of her life shooting with the her low ISO camera.
We shopped today. GREAT
-I'm listening to T-Pain's Buy you a drink:
Let's get drunk, forget what we did.. We in the bed like.. We in the bed like.. Tlak to me, I talk back.. Walk it out, just like that that's what I' talkin; bout.
Hahahaha, sooooo cute.-
DISCOUTS. Anyway, I'm going to sleep. My awesome -first real, real, real party heels- were killing me. so yeah (:

Yeah, he just left a note for me here.. He got a myspace. His picture is kinda weird, lol. I guess he might be coming out of the closet sometime soon. So, anyway, I printed Mariah's bay present. (: Yayy it looks awesome, she's gonna love me. It should've been a picture of me instead, though. And I'm beating Bob Punchbag on the Battledome, it takes FOREVER!
ugggggh.
I miss everyone. Stupid bad words haha. (:

Awwww Banana Pancakes! by Jack Johnson. <3 What a cute song.

Anyway, I'm between d60 and d40 because I've read that the d60 is the same as d40 but a few more chimes and bells for $200 more. But then other people tell me they haven't regreted getting the d60 at all. Ahhh.
Whatever, I think I'll get the d60. Cheer for meee!

I went to Sawgrass mall with my parents yesterday and I bought my friends most of their presents. I bought Jessica's birthday present. A blocparty CD, I hope she's not reading this.. Whatev. I also saw my perfect, o-so-beautiful Nikon d60 for
$549.99 +tax
do you know what that is? That's like $150 off. It used to be $700. I have $300 but my parents wouldn't lend me the sest of the money because of the other day that I "insulted my family". I don't know if prices are going to drop this low because it was on frickin sale! Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit.
Oh, and I cried too. Hopefully they do go down as low or lower than that. And I met a pretty cute guy at redioshack too. We had really long and complex camera conversations. (:
I haven't met my neighbor's niece & nephew. Just saying. But I'm still sorta waiting.. (:

I made a perfect frosting for a cake that my mom made yesterday without icing sugar.. I'll write in the recipe later, I don't want to right now. And I dreamed with a couple of thins last night.
I'm at home and I go to the back and there's like a pool (Omg I'm listening to Jason M. right nowwwwww!:D) and there's this girl -she's Austin's and Ariana's friend, I've seen her at school- that is inside a boat and I think she walked home with me and she's in the boat and there's a stingray in the water that flops around trying to get inside the boat or on top of the dock, so I get in the water and I hear my mom telling someone else that they give out poison by their mouth -lol, wtf- So I get the stingray and i don't know what I did with it but I guess I took it away from us. There were two other boys inside the boat. I go to school, Alex was having a little party at school in one of the rooms along wih someone else -i think it was fabrizio- and the spring break dance was going on too, so yeah. While I was going to the spring dance thing -this was during school hrs, not at night- I see Lawrence in the hallway, wtf? So whatever I just go to the dance and I'm sitting and looking for lawrence all at once, there's people dancing in the center -like five, lol, like at Pineiro's class- and I can't see him so whatever, I don't know what happened then. I go downstairs and I remember something importnt happened there but I don't remember what it was.. So I go back upstairs and go into a small hallway and a little room and see lawrence sitting there with a baby..
:o
I must've felt jealous lol.
Anyway, I ask him who the baby belongs to and he answers it's his dad's. I guess I felt relieved at this..
And he shows me a shoe from a box, I remember it was black and said dickies on the tongue. He does one of those tricks in which it looks like your arm is cute and all bloody and "the whole nine yards -lol-".
This comes from yesterday when watching narnia II, I wondered how they make it look like it's half cut off when it's not. Because you can add but now make it look like less. Then I woke up thinking about the Meepits game.
I'll meet my neighbor's niece & nephew, niece 13 and nephew 16.
(:
hahahahahaha coooool
I know what you're thinking. It's not necessarily that way. I mean, I might -probably will- flirt with him but, he lives in North Carolina.

New yorkkk. I hope this isn't just something else I get heavily obsessed with and then it suddenly drops all the way?
I'm getting better at not running out of the borders of my nails when polishing them, pretty good. I had to polish them over becuase they got messed up.
I've been listening to Jack Johnson a lot lately, dunno if I mentioned that. He's a lot like Jason Mraz. Kev loves Jason Mraz, it sounds weird. He claims he's paranoid about saying like too much and sounding like a little gay bitch. lmfao. haha. whoa.
"this could be an opportunity
this could be an opportunity
if you promise to let it,
if you promise to let it grow
if you promise to let it,
if you promise to let it grow"

I'm -ironically- listening to the song right now, lol.
"'cause you're the one I love"
"'Cause you're the one I love!"
"you're the one I loveeee"
"This could be an opportunity"
"If you promise to let it,
if you promise to let it grow"

lol, Monkey Bee by Monkey is such a funny song {:

new york is, like, THE coolest city ever. Conor lives here and, apparently, so does Kevin D. I need to go to the mall today and buy winter presents -lol- and birthday presents:
Mariah-Yesterday
Jessica-Jan. 4th
Kevin-Jan. 6th

Others:
Chris-June 9th. (Yes, yes, just like me, so what? Get over it)
Conor-February 15th (Yes, yes, same as Andrea & Katrina, get over it)

I bought a navy blue nail polish yesterday, I'm wearing it now. I love nail polish, I feel weird without it on. It's funny how I always include it in my art?
+Democratic donkey's dying
+Our eyes see mist
+Sketchbook
+Sketchbook
+Journalism~
+Calculator.
+My frog earrings!

So, basically, I put it on everywhere because it helps a lot and it glues too and polishes things. I'm really think I'm going to do the love/gambling project. Ideas:
I'll use a lot of red and black, red for passion & love -duh- and black because it's mysteriosu, you can't accurately predict what will happen. The image will not be like, "love is beautiful."
because it usually isn't..
"Love is an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt.
do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
then hurt me!"
(: that heartbreaker.

Kevin Devine is gooooooood. But, course, Conor's better.
"The noisiest drum is the one filled with most air."
I didn't really know what this meant until today. My parents and I went to some friends' house because we didn't go yesterday -btw- and the lady's dad was there. Holy hell, how argumentive he was. We were discussing education and all and he disagreed with everything I said. And I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but he wouldn't let me speak and he wouldn't listen to my point of view and/or my opinion. But what really pissed me off was that he told me -to my face and straight, right off-, "You and people your age don't have any principles."
Wtf? who the hell do you think you are to come and tell me this when you don't even know me!
Blahh blahh blahh..
+-This adds to my argument that no one listens to me-

Most of the time, I couldn't make out what he was talking about. He didn't have any reason, so aimless. And no matter what you said -even if you agreed with him- he'd disagree. When my parents and I got inside our car, my mom told me that he never listened to anyone..
Well, I'm different than anyone else, so he better listen to me.

- I seem so aimless right now, I bet. It's just so much that I've been wanting to say lol.
Ok and so we were discussing education and he was saying how kids now they're stupid because they use calculators when before their mind was fresh and super quick for multiplication tables. But multiplication tables is something you memorize, it's not problem-solving. Intelligence and creativity are the most important things to succeed. Not just in life -that was probably the first thing you thought of- but in everything. Intelligence to know that something will not work and is just stupid -like, say, paper staples- and creativity is important because you solve problems in a clever and distinctive way. Like thinking outside the box? So with these two things, you can definitely come accross almost any problem that is put your way. Nice, ehh? But knowledge is limited, creativity & intelligence isn't.

I might not go to San Francisco after all..
I'm getting a Nikon d20 instead of a d300.

Ok, so the governement might help me out with scholarships thanls to my really good grades -and efforts-. I've narrowed it down to two schools:
SVA
and
The Art Institute of New York. I found out more about this one than the first. It offers housing -very important- for students: brooklyn, manhattan, and another one operated by Polytechnic University. The apartments right by the school are about 300 sq. ft for $2,000 monthly. But, that's now that the economy is really bad. by then it might've boosted up and so would the prices.
But, yay! :D

I leave to San Fransisco tomorrow. The plane leaves at eight but we'll leave the house at five.

-- Good to use in art.
Love is like gambling, as you usually give it all you've got -I did-
but you may not "win". You have a total $20 in your pocket. You decide to play it all off, you win. Now you've got $40. You play again, win. Now it's $80. You play again but it all falls down, you've got nothing. Whoa, I love these realizations. I love when I have those -not these- deep thought, I feel powerful.

"It's better to have loved and lost/felt pain than never have loved at all"

Is that true? I wonder.. Well, I don't think I've ever loved but this is what I imagine it to be. But, I don't know what to say about this. It's like palying at a casino. You play up $20, then win the bet and now you have $40, then win again and now you have $80. But then you lose, you have nothing at all. But it was a good feeling, wasn't it? Unless they don't even out, of course. If you get hurt more than the happiness you had felt, then screw love, it's not worth it. If it's the other way around, then give it a try.
lol, I have to translate everything into money thoughts hahaha.

Ok, so I'm listening to Regina Spektor right now that someone on Neopets recommended -her name is, I think, Kate?-. She's actually good, Kate Nash's style. She reminds me a lot of her. Spektor, that is. And Kevin Devine is like Conor, except his voice is like super sweet & soft and Conor's isn't. I like that about conor, though. If conor were about ten years younger, we'd get married. I love himmmm.

I love songmeanings.
<3

his name isn't johny, it's jonny. :'(
i like Kevin Devine, he's good from what I've listened to so far.

foreget the blood thinners. There's no such thing.
:(

I just had a long session of Meepit playing. I reached over 3,000. Damn awesome, I rockk.
I should be getting ready right about now, we're supposed to be there around six. There's no signs at all of any christmas presents from my parents. I mean, it's not like I want anything from them, but you know..
Oh they took my phone away, so hooray!
Because I called my uncle (Orlis; haha) and asshole in front of my dad and didn't show any signs of regret. Whoa, what they'd do if they read this thing :o
I also got something in the mail for me the other day, looks like I won something from Allure mag. I entered back in August, so I think it's late. But it's free. Nothing better than free things.. (:
I keep on entering all contests, freebies, and sweeptakes from magazines and things. Cosmogirl has one everyday, so that's pretty good.
&I can't wait 'till New York! York bby, I love you. I'll go back for you soon.
&You, Zillah!

I'm not getting anything for anyone, sorry. Candy doesn't count. But I just can't waste any money!! And forget all the other wishlist thing, the only, only thing I want is money. It's not like I'm money-hungry -I sort of am- or whatever but I just need money so bad! I need my cameraaaa. So far I have about $250 on camera savings. Nothing at all as New York money. At all! Ok, so the money I get on a regular basis (found, won, given) will work as camera money and paychecked money (earned) will work as New York money. Because, obviously, I'll get more paycheck money than regular basis money. I need more money for New York, duhhhhhhh.
Oh and my mom gave me permission to leave the house, whoooo hoooo! So I don't have to run away anymore. But I get constant food here, drat.
I'm going to go get ready, peace.
lmao (:

this continues law's puzzle thing:
+He had a piture of some girl in his wallet. I didn't pay attention to it. Her name was Scarlett or something like that. She wasn't that pretty..

blood thinners:
cinnamon
dried fruits
nuts
aspirin
vitamin e
anything that blocks vitamin k.

Nail Polish
- Any color but pearl, bright red, purple, plum, grass green,
pretty pink, white, maroon.
- Most wanted: Salmon, hot pink, black, blue glazed, electric
blue, or navy blue.
- Preferably OPI or Essie brand, but any brand is ok.
Eye Liner
- Has to be bought at MAC, Hot Topic, or Sephora.
- Any color but black, sky blue, bright green, white, or brown.
- Most wanted: Bright purple or hot pink.
- Ask if they sell the scrolling one, it has to be the super
smooth one.
Music
- Any of these albums by the bands or especific albums is good unless mentioned.
- Anything by Bright Eyes; except the Cassadaga album.
- Anything by The Steve Miller Band; Except Greatest Hits.
- Anything by The Red Hot Chili Peppers;
- Anything by Tegan and Sara;
- Anything by Coldplay;
- Anything by John Lennon;
- Anything by Bloc Party;
- Anything by Jets to Brazil;
- Anything by Vampire Weekend; Vampire Weekend.
- Anything by Jason Mraz;
- Anything by Kanye West;
- Anything by Matallica;
- Anything by Aerosmith;
Movies
- Forrest Gump
- Pan's Labyrinth. Blu-ray if you can (:
- Vintage Point
Clothes
- Gift Cards: Urban Outfitters, Abercrombie, Forever 21, For Love
21, Target, Macy's, Lucky Brand Jeans, Victoria's Secret,
Heritage, Sephora, MAC, Walgreens, CVS, Lounge, Mia, Tous.
- Any Tous earrings, most wanted:
+ https://tous-shop.com/eng/pendants.php?id=385&page=8&PHPSESSID=d8392f62e2804b15c7fb6f98bddac171
+ https://tous-shop.com/eng/material.php?id=338&id_mat=1
- Snake skin shoes. MUST NOT be real, just immitaion.
- Pins for hair.


and anything made by you (:

I'm at home, Kelly Russo added me on Loopt. I have to find my Lynkins! or however you spell it. I need to transfer some files to my cell. I want an ipod touch for winter and $$ for my camera savings. CDs would be helpful, too:
-Bright Eyes
-Bloc Party
-John Lennon
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Nancy Sinatra

Books:
-Rachel Carson

Kevin must be really happy right now, he just broke Ivanna's dating in school virginity. They're going out. Whatever, I'm cool with it I guess. I'd like to get to know her better and, you know. But I get the imppression she doesn't like me, so whatev. She sits by me in hr and 1st period. I like Nick now. Again. haha we were doing that holiday show thing and I think I saw him looking at me the whole time before he played. And, if he saw me and I saw him, then he obviously saw me looking at him and I saw him looking at me. He put on this smirk when he saw me and realized I was talking to Maura about him -I was- and I started cracking up. He's so cute!Mrs. Marra says I should like anyone but Nick. Ha. She gave Mary a little necklace and I was there and she felt "bad" that she hadn't had time to wrap my present -not really, she just felt impolite- so she gave me a Victoria's lotion; sweet. I was with Michelle most of the time in Pinero's class. Lmao everyone was grindin' up on everyone and Ashley was trying to dance hahahahaha. I was just sitting down w/ people enjoying the stupidity show. And Robert was doggying up Cassandra, he always looks for short girls haha. Dilella's son was there too. He was checking Angie and Katrina a lot, according to Michelle lol. Angie & Carlos were all over each other and so were Ivanna and Kevin, but they were way more discreet in their little corner -_-
I also finished my rockland thing in class because I went to sleep and the excel thing hadn't downloaded so I just took my jumpdrive and did it in school. Kevin gave me a little cute black & white striped hat that used to be Maura's. Maura is pretty cool, I never really talked to her but she's really cool. So careless about surroundings. I admire people like that.
And I love Mr. Añuez

So it's really very extremely late for someone who is my age and wakes at 6:05 in the morning. Really! It is. Oh I asked her if she liked him today -don't you hate that word? It's so childish! :( - and she said,
"no comment."
whatever that means. But I'm not telling him. Excuses, excuses.
I'm trying to finish up my math tech project, it's a fairchild tropical garden design that we'll eventually do in our school. But we just have to get some research for now. I want to build one in Ojus, too and Highland Oaks over the summer. I'll talk to Eric -camp?- probably, it's not for sure. I never talk to him, so it'd be weird to just all of the sudden come up with, "hey, you want to help me out build a garden in an old school of mine!?"
-Scaryyyy.
I'm super tired! D:
I had to download the excel free trial because I didn't have it apparently and I needed it to make my bar graph. I'm not even sure they make a bar graph..
57%
It takes about 90 seconds to go up a percentage -from 58 to 59-
oh now it's on 58.
now 59
at least it's more than half. Oh I had cross country today for the fisrt time in a long time. It was Mary's first time, though. And Melanie & Kevin -ramos- were there too. I ran five laps which is, I think, 1 1/2 mile. That's really pathetic. I used to do like two miles and a half with no problem and here I was dragging myself to the water fountain. Not cool..
We have a three mile race coming up in Jan 24th. Blingggg.
64%
My back aches, I wonder what I'll sound like when I'm actually old and have grandchildren. You can't sleep with tampons. Just telling you. Oh I figured today that everyone is giving handjobs and receiving -in class(: -. Givers are people like Alexandra and receivers are people like Cory. What a slut. Omg, I'm getting used to this stupid kiddie environment this stupid school provides. These things happened when I was a sixth grader, now I see it as a WOW. I mean, it's not that I see it like that, I'm just sort of surprised these kids see it as normal. I miss hom. I hate this stupid school! I don't think I like Kevin that much. I couldn't spend the morning with him today because I was finishing my Picasso head. He probably thought I was avoiding him because I expect things to be awkward now that I told him that, lol. I obviously don't?

hello, I tried the I.P. address with the command prompt and it didn't do shit. Danny's good. -was?-
So I guess you have to use the same old proxies.
use:
quitblcokingme.com
zizzo.info
porkloan.com

those probably won't work, as they're the worst ones. lol, sorrry.
(:
I'm not getting blarbbed away.

I told kevin I liked him, whatever.
He thinks Caro was right about Ivonna not liking him and her keeping on avoiding him but him coming back. I just wrote a script on hacking Danny's command prompt, it's pretty good. I can't wait to try it out tomorrow. Oh I didn't skip today, by the way. We had a math midterm. It would've been perfect, though. I had a substitute for hr and she passed out a paper and sent it to administration so I woul've been marked as present, pretty damn cool. And my mom is out on Wednesday nights, even better. My head hurts a little. I'm doing great with my Picasso immitation. I have to go finish tomorrow, though. Sthefany came to my house today. How cool- we did the puppet thing -I have Bryan Acuna now-
My mom just got home. We went to tager yesterday and I got my best teachers winter presents. Yes, I celebrate seasons, haha. I got them all music CDs. Bonet a spanish guitar one, Ordaz a evening in spain one, Marra a evening in paris one, and Anuez a John Lennon one. He'll like it. You know, it's sort of weird how Mr. Anuez and I think the same way. We do. We have the same ideas on life and we work the same way. But, whoa, I'm really not an artist. Like I don't have it in me! I don't have a good sense of color and composition, something you just sense. It's second nature to you. I ask Valeria why she put the blue in the background even though she didn't know the concept of it -of course, Ordaz loved hers-

_Did you know that?
_What?
_What Anuez just said about color
_No
_Then why did you put the blue in the back and the orange in the front?
_Because it looked good

Just simply that, damnit. She has the eye.
It's true.
I'm no artist,
Waste of Paint. Listen to that song by Bright Eyes.

My dad put up the christmas lights, they look real nice through my window curtain in my room.
(:
looks dreamy.

Lawrence and I are talking right now. He went camping on saturday the 13th. I'll probably skip school -yeah, the whole thing. Get over it- with Kevin tomorrow. I'm actually talking to him right now, we spent from when I left art club (8:30 am) to when class started (9:00 am) in that little construction area. He's so bad. Haha, it's not like, "I love bad boys" but he's like not scared of it, and he doesn't care, I like that. I'm not taking him too seriously. C'mon, we just started, not even. So that's why I don't care about him being bad and getting into trouble. I think Ivonna may like him, I mean they're like holding hands after school, so yeah. But he said she didn't, so it's sort of weird & confusing. I need my yans, except now he's been wanting to hook up and move on to fuck buddies, I don't like that. He's my best friend. Oh yeah I did write about that. Whatev. So, yep. I told Kev that Lily and Ivonna are being all weird -It's not like Ivonna and I talk, but she's like extra ignoring me, and Lily and I do talk sometimes and she's not talking to me right now and Caro has been weird too!- and he said he was going to ask them and I said no and he said why not and I said Idk and he said yea thats not my business and I said sure. Do you get me? Do you get me and all my stupid drama? It's so stupid?
Hey, who do you like?
Unsure havnt givin it much thought
oh ok
yup why do you ask
Someone told me you liked me
oh well whoever said that is smart cause i do a little ..but i just met u.
oh ok

whoa, I'm simple haha. He doesn't know that I like him, borf.
-_-

I had my first dream with him in it last night. We were smoking, both of us. But we were sharing whatever it was, I know it was really colorful and groovy. We were in the king kong scenery? He admitted he liked me yesterday night, I'll post the conv. l8er.

-I told many, many people I like Kevin. At least Chris, Jazz, Sarah, Ana, Valeria, Mariah, Alex, Alex, and now you.
-He does pot. For sure.
-He's "between two chicks, and they're both extremely hot." One of those is Ivonna.
-He's a -big- flirt. Who knew? I'm like so blind to see these things.
-He used to have two girlfriends at his last school? I'm not sure this is true, I heard from an outsider.

Today, I cursed in art and Marsh was next to me. She didn't hear me, though. Either that or she didn't care. I had corndogs for lunch. It's so absurd how little annorexic girls play around with their food. Can't they donate the money to WWF or homeless charities or something? I looked real goth today, lol. I had my new black hoodie with wings on the back on. So yeah.

Kevin just left. It was awesome. Time went by extremely fast. He's a 7th grader but he's 15 next month. We talked about everything. We played tic tac toe and chess. We didn't finish neither one.

"This could be an opportunity
if you promise to let it grow"
-Bloc Party, Tulips.

so kevin is gonna come over at like 8. You can guess how I feel..
he says he lives accross the street from me. I've never ever seen him around.
But, whee! (:

that's a red hots song. Just saying.
But, by the way, I think Kev does pot.
Ugh, why do I have to shorten everything!?
-_-

:D
i can't stop smiling. I'm talking to Kevin right now. What does this mean on my face? I also got back from tennis w/ kat. We didn't do anything, really.

I just leanred something new:
the tip of yr nose to one eye to the other eye forms a perfect acute triangle. how cool?

I told my mom about my plans. I still want to, just not as bad. It's just hard, you know? Like I need some shitload of money. And she says they'd kick me out. I'd probably live with law, because he'd be 18 by the time I give birth and he can be my guardian. So, yep. But that's like- bad. It's somethig like marriage. Like a kid is the ultimate knot you can pull on yourself. Because when you've got a "family", it's a lot harder to pull off than when you have a wedding ring/band. It's true.

I just reread that last entry, we sound like such a reckless family. We're really not, I have good parents. They never ever curse.

Ok, two things.
-My mom suffers from depression, I just found out and I had seen some flyer about suicidal help.. I thought she got it for me. Guess not? I think it's my fault. Because I'm such a bad daughter. I'm really not that bad just if you let me do what I should do. But she doesn't, so I'm bad. I asked her if she knew why but she said she didn't know. This is bull, she just doesn't want to let me know I can control her like that. I asked her if dad knew, she said yeah. This has been going on for a while, like when I went to school the way I wanted to go, she once called the school crying. Mr. Anuez mentioned many, many things today. He always does. But, anyway, I can relate something he said with this. "The Jewish teach their offspring to be strong."
So, should we change religion to Jewish now?
Nahh, I'm good. Mr. Anuez believes in everything lol.
He's so funny. He kinda shows off, though. Like Pham from last year. They probably do it for the same purpose, they're both quite intelligent men. Ok, so what he means by being strong is not that you don't cry. It means you cry -because everyone lets everything go one way or another- instead of commiting suicide. So if you keep it bottled up inside you, it gets to a point in which you have to set everything you didn't free before free. My dad says he's only cried twice in his life; when his mom died -he was 16- and when I got that complex migraine thing. So does that mean that it's going to collapse someday soon because it can't keep up with all the bottled up feelings? I guess writing in this journal is better than crying. I haven't had a larry breakdown in a very, very long time. Oh, wait. Never mind. Last time was at the movies. That was the 6th. It wasn't a real breakdown but I got my eyes watery. I don't really care about him anymore, but I can't believe I'm so stupid.
-Hey, Hey. I'm might actually be serious about Zillah #1
(:
but, did you notice the might
school'd get complicated.

So last night I had a nightmare;
I was staying at this fancy hotel on a mountain so I look at all that and decide I want to take a hike. This comes from Colombia, when we went to the mountains and I wanted to hike really bad. So I went hiking alone. Somehow I get to this place where they enslave normal people and workship felines. This obviously comes from what I learned overthere in the gold museum. They pretended they were felines themselves, too. So I get enslaved and I'm trying to scape. I think there was someone with me, it was probably law. I go up to dead ends made of white, uneven murals. I finally get to a room where there's a lot of plants and there's cats attacking people. But as I get closer to them, I realize that they're scared of me. And I go deeper in the room and notice the, I guess, queen and kings there. I get super scared because they might see me and realize I'm trying to scape, which I am. So I act normal and they don't seem to realize I'm who I am, so I just follow along. They can catch me at any second, and they'd kill me. They have me go through some strings and hold on to some sculptures hanging from the ceiling while at it. I finally get to the other side and go inside a door, it's a bathroom. I remember her saying, "the left one." I look at the left one and it looks like a sink. I really did have to take a piss but I was scared they had cameras or something and saw me doing something that wasn't normal for them, so I didn't. I look at my options: The AC vent or the window. The window's really small and so was the vent. I could fit through the window, but if I got out they might see me. I'm there thinking, and trying to calm myself by thinking that the worst that can happen is death. Go figure. Then my cellphone woke me up.

+Yesterday I was reading a parenting magazine and the more I read, the more I wanted a baby. I want one so bad. Not Zillah, she's not enough. I want a human baby, and it has to be my own.

Thought(s):
-If you ask someone to smell your hand, depending on how they smell it, reflects how much they trust you, how much they like you, and how comfortable they feel around you.

http://www.how-to-draw-and-paint.com/learntodraw.html
*adds to favorites*

I'm going to "the best circus in the world"
according to my mom. Cirque Du Soleil? I've never heard of that, but it sounds cool
I think I might get some ideas. Art, you know.
(:
I'm so excited about art, it's crazy. I love it. I'm so passionate about it. Now more than ever, I swear.
I love Zillah.

I guess, according to some art guides I've gone through, that I have to work on my wanting everything to be perfect and eventually get rid of it. I'd spend too much time on details and details will look perfect, but what about the whole thing?
..yeah.
So I have to set time limits on me. To draw "something" under, say, ten minutes. Well, I'd better get to work!

+They don't like cartoons.
+I love Zillah! I'm positive I do. She's never done anything to me, never hurt me. Yipppeeeee!

I no longer think Isaac likes me anymore. He likes someone else. He just told me.

:o

I just made a pocket on my sketchbook. I really needed one. I'm going to name my sketchbook. It's honestly like my best friend. Sorry, yans. I feel weird without it. When I go out and I don't have it with me, I feel incomplete. I sound like a crazy lover, haha. (: I think I love my sketchbook.

Omg! I'll name it Zillah. Yeah, Zillah. You're that amazing that you get that name that I was going to name my daughter someday. When she's born, you'll have to get a new name, though. But you're my baby now.
Damnit, I'm such a freak.
:(

So I just recently made a wonderful deiscovery on the art subject. A handful, that is.
1)Contrast adds interest. When a white or light object is surrounded by dark/bright objects, it stands out. Same thing if it's the other way around. This happens with the style and feel, too. If a boring, dull object is surrounded by hyper and retro objects & colors, your eye goes to the dull. An emo person stands out from a prep crowd. Get itttt?
2)The eye naturally follows lines.
3)Angled lines causes a chaotic effect. Clan even lines show & transfer serenity.

(Break: My mom is so fucking annoying in every sinlge way: neat freak, and she suspects I'm like the worst child ever. I'm obviously not and she should be happy she got me as her daughter. She thinks I have an online boyfriend sort of thing going on. What the fuck? I'm not really that desperate.. haha it's probably this jounal that I write into a lot lmao. Anyway, Isaac likes me. Great. I just think he does, though. He didn't say, "Janie, I like you." But you could pretty much guess it. Ok, back to art talk, bby.)

4)Too lot of lines, objects, shapes, and colors confuse & distract the viewer. If that's what you want, then fine.
5)There should be a positive and negative space balance.. I don't really agree with this, but whatever.
6)Bold colors stand out. No, duhh.
7)Warm colors will usually make the object seem closer, as cool colors will make it seem more distant. If your goal is to get realistic, do not change the colors to follow this. For example, bright mountains?
8)+I guess warm colors draw attention?
9) You only get "mud" when mixing complementaries, not too many colors.
10)Work on areas evenly. Start by sketching the whole thing, perfecting, light brushstrokes, basic shading, then heavy shading. Don't finish off the first inch in the corner and then work after it, obviously.
11)You can place things in the middle after all.
12)

I was just thinking about Chris and how cute he is! (: we haven't talked in a long ass time. Last time we talked, it was about New World and that he goes here and that if I go here, we'll be able to get together -"hand out", I just don't like that phrase-. Can't wait to flirt with him. I took my onjective midterm exam for science today, it was super extra easy. I got, I think, an 87. I though I would get like a 95 because it was extremely easy. It was just so easy! Haha I sound like such a retard. But, really it was the easiest test Mr. Bonet has given me in my life. We're making puppets for winter for DiLella. It was Caro's idea, I thought it was awesome. And I've got to make her in puppet form. I originally had Kevin R but I switched with I think Robert? I can't wait 'till next year so I can get out of this stupid K-8 environment and get closer to the real world. But, yet, I'll still be so far. But closer. And I won't have all this stupid people talking about stupid things and their stupid little brains being so stupidly immature and stupid.

ok, sorry about that. It's public now.

Don't go to http://www.uglypeople.com
it gives viruses. Not just viruses, but porn viruses. Haha, don't ask

You can only edit recent entries. Damnit.

I just read gab's blog that Valeria recommended, so I did. She's too cool. Her writting and just plain old her.

oh, by the way, we're probably going to California now in winter break. How cool? (:

Everything kind of fits like a puzzle now.
-To post a comment on law's profile, he has to accept it first. Meaning that if any side girl sent him a hey-babe-what-are-you-doing-tonight comment, he would read it first before it got to his page.
-He never let me see his cellphone. Even though Yaniel claims this is normal, it's sort of weird.
-Andria.
-That girl that was like, "dnt call me hun."
-His birthday party, I didn't get invited. What the hell.
-He's a highly skilled liar. He looks you in the eye and says, "Janie, I do not smoke."
-He gets lost for quite a while sometimes.
-He broke up with me, just to ask me to take him back two days after. This happened at least five times.
-He tells me he [knows he] loves me, but he's with another girl he thinks he loves. He doesn't really love me. He's just wanting to get lucky, like Yans says.

Yet when I broke up with him for the first time -when I first found out he smoked-, it really "affected" him, as he put it. It could be that a) He's a really good actor and he should be in Broadway musicals or that b)He really did care.

I hate drama?

I love art, it's all about being entirely original. Not copying off anyone else's anything and working on it off from there. You start from complete scratch and do whatever you want to do to it on the computer, whatever. Like everything on my myspace profile is completely original. I've never copied anything from anyone. Maybe once or twice, but I wasn't as mature -artistically- as I am now. Not that I'm super extra mature now, but I now understand art more than I did. I love it. It's like you can shoot something, then manipulate it with art tools -like color sticks, pencils, your hand, etc- and then edit it with your computer using programs like paint, photoshop, photoflex, etc. Amazing. I swear I will never copy anything off anyone anymore. Everything will be original. That makes me happy. I'm seriously smiling right now. Haha, I love it. It fills me up so well, art.

I have no idea who that is, haha. It was anonymous. What the hell. Who the hell has seen me like this more than a few times that I don't know of. Because the people that have -that I know of- didn't write this, I know that.

"I've seen janie naked more than a few times, bro. She's not hot, she's not sexy. She's beautiful."
:o
Someone posted this comment on someone else's profile. I've been waiting for someone to say something like that for a long time.

Tulips- Bloc Party

Thought:
You need hook ups in your life. Even if you have one main person in your life but still have stops here and there, it's normal. Like when you have an ever-favorite band that you can't get enough of (Bright Eyes/ Conor), then that's that. But once in a while, everyone listens to other songs and likes other bands and things of that sort. Like this awesome song and the awesome band. Bloc Party is the shit and really gets to me, but not the same way as Conor. I guess the same happens with life. Not just love & guys, but everything like friends -obviously-, clothes, blah, blah. But the best reference is love, of course. It's the one that makes most sense.
So, hook ups, come my wayyy

I love them! They're my current myspace song, love. Funny how I've never had a song by Conor in there? Heh, they're just all so goo haha. What I'll have next (just a prediction):
Clint Eastwood- gorillaz
I like this song, too! (:

Oh my fucking god. Everyone now knows that I kissed that 6th grader. But people try to make it more exciting and say, "Janie kissed a six grader!" instead of, "Janie kissed a 6th grader on the cheek and it was a dare."
Why do people even give a fuck? It's just a kiss, get on with your lives!

Subjects are so damn gay.
My parents are pretty goddamn clever, yet so stupid. My dad just finished setting up the security cameras today. He started with the one that faces the driveway. Haha. I think they think I'm sneaking out, yet they have no proof. lmao. Anyway, there's always, always a loop through everything. Loop for this:
-The camera only records when it senses there's movement. It has a sensor. So I can try to cover the sensor hole with black tape or something before I sneak out. I'll obviously not show myself, biggest mistake ever haha.
-I can try to go through a place that the camera doesn't reach but that's harder because I don't know it exactly, so.

I'm listening to Conor Oberst, his spanish album. He doesn't speak spanish but they're all about spanish things and spanish people and yeah. He's amazing, so inspiring. I would be extremely happy to name my son this someday. *sigh*

yay, I just got it done. It looks perfect. I have to check if it looks the way it does here in other computers.

I'm addicted to Neopets once again. But I'm actually beginning to enjoy playing. I know cheats and tricks which make it more fun, yay! I'm working on my MySpace background by lovingchuck, so original. It's a moon and then a star on the bottom. I took the picture on the plane when I was coming back home. I had to edit it because, obviously, planes move fast and my shutter isn't that quick (it will be! :D )
I also deleted some pictures. I'm uploading new ones. I noticed the link to my journal wasn't working. I hope I fixed that.

I just came back from Main St. I watched Twilight. It was much better than what I expected it to be. I want to watch Carolina -or is it Corolina?- and Knowing is Everything.

my best friend was asking last nigh if I wanted to hook up with him:
"Lol yeh man u wanna hook up 2nite"
My guy friends start liking me not long after we become close friends. So I can never have a guy best friend even though I like guys better than girls? what the dodo

I had my science essay midterm today, I entirely failed it. I'm sorry. I havn't even drawn lately. My interest gets thinner and thinner as the days go by. I hate it. I woke up at 7 this morning. That girl I just met hasn't answered. I don't know her name yet. I'm home alone, by the way. I planned to get in through the kitchen window when I got home but my mom told me she had left the keys in a "secret" hiding place. Haha, how secret is that? Everyone knows everyone has extra house/car keys under a pot or in the mailbox or something. The croissants I had baked this morning were still untouched on the counter when I got here. I was talking to myself when I was walking my way here. I was talking british. I'm waiting for it to be five, that's the time when the Snowager goes to sleep and I can jack some neggs then. I made the screen mat less of a problem while I was here alone. It's complicated to explain, but I understand it and that's what matters. I'm doing one of those little thingies in which you predict the fuuture with a squared sheet of paper. Except I'm  making it more to discover who you are. It sounds so cheesy, whatever. You pick on of four images that tell me (I then tell you) how you life usually is. Then there's 8 triangled up images that reflect who you are and your personality. I keep on perfecting it more and more so it's more accurate. It's still not as accurate as I'd like it to be.

"I compared your Jesus to a thief."
Whoaaaaa that's a blowout. Hehhh? Yeah, a blowout. It's like when someone you love dies, you're like asking God why the hell did they take them from you, they're like a thief. Nice, huh? It's just so true. But, again, I'm atheist.

+We can't smoke either.
Well, buy them tools. Whatever, it's the same thing. What kind of free enterprise system does America have? The bullshit kind, that's for sure. America has only two cool and useful cities: New York City and Los Angeles.

I want to grow up already. No one takes kids seriously no matter how serious they are. It's not normal for kids to have kids. We can't do anything. We can't drink, we can't drive, we can't watch R movies, we can't go to clubs, we can't date 18+ yr olds, we can't work, we can't win lotteries, we can't study good things, we can't run for presidency, we can't talk to adults and expect them to listen to you!, we can't buy porn, we can't sit next to the emergency exit on planes, we can't be unsupervised by an adult in the pool wtf, we can't get married.
          We depend on others.
Don't you hate that? It's so stupid. I hate being a kid and not earning my own money and not having my own kids.
 
(All these subject to Florida.)

We're all in not-so-well conditions. My mom's got this allergy all over hwer body. It looks like what I got when I was in 5th grade, except mine was much worse. My dad has his ear clogged since the last day at Colombia because we went to the pool and what do ya know? And I've got a runny nose and a sore throat. I was supposed to go to sleep at 9:30 PM tonight. It's not that late. I woke up at six this morning because I had to go to art club. We're reconstructing Da Vinci's plane. It's ok, not really my thing. That's more into applied art. I looked super tired today and ugly too. I'm starting not to wear panties. It's a lot more comfortable. I polished my nails plum purple in the morning but I just redid them because they got messed up. Credit for my best friend: You're awesome! Thanks for getting me into the male mind. (:
I can almost do a stradle, however you spell it. My split is perfect and so is my toe-touch and my bridge. Get jealous. Everyone says Kevin is ugly. I don't know why? He's sorta cute.

"Do you really have to do all this?"
-My dad, right now. When I was reading him my abstract and he was ignoring me so I told him I hated when he did that and he said that I was making him feel bad and I said, "You always make me feel bad."
And that's what he answered.
He just found out yesterday about my honors classes. He just found out yesterday how well I'm doing in all of them. He yet understands what hard work I had/have to go through to get to where I am and where I want to go. Whatever, I really don't do any of this for anyone, just for myself. But, how many parents would love to have a child that they didn't have to drag to school and spank every night so they did their homework?
On that happy thought, I went to Coral Gables today. It seems okay.

Most Liked to Least:
1)Design and Architecture Senior High
2)New World School of the Arts
3)Maritime and Science Technology
4)Coral Gables Senior High -under the IB program-
5)TEC
6)HML
7)Goleman
8)American
9) Homeschool
10)Myself
11) No education

I can really succeed at just about anything I try:
+I love kids, they love me.
  (teacher, nanny, counselor, mom)
+Math is my best subject. So is science.
  (Botany, biology, architecture, scientist, mathematician, teacher)
+I'm a pretty good writer.
  (Songwriter, poet, author)
+I'm more flexible than most.
  (Dancer [exotic, ballerina, hip hop], yoga instructor, prostitute, gymnast)
+I know make-up
  (Make-up artist, critic)
+I criticize!
  (food critic, fashion critic, movie critic, art critic, music critic)
+I can sing.
  (singer)
+I explain things really good.
  (teacher of any kind)
+I'm good with computers and any kind of electronic.
  (Hacker, repairer)
+I can work hard, sweaty, and dirty.
  (Mechanic, contruction)
+I can keep up with almost any physical pain.
  (athlete)
+I'm not that shy.
  (broadcast, announcer, host)
+I can pretend things, control my facial expressions, and show them real good.
  (actress, comedian)
+I can make people laugh.
  (Comedian, clown)
+I can cook awesome food.
  (Cook, chef, baker)

 

But what I want to do is design. Ironic, eh?

Yesssssss Kevin likes me.
:D
If I know who Kevin is? But I think I know, yay.

My history teacher -2nd period- told me to "shut up and listen!"
Today. I've got witnesses.

As you may know, I've been absent for some days in school. My science teacher won't understand, though.

complex html still doesn't work.
:(

yeah sorry i've runned so many tests lately. I'll delete them eventually.

testing
<big>html</big>
<center>lovely</center>
<b>you can't get drunk</b>

the link is there but it won't work. :(

My dad's brother -Orlis- is such a dick. Yesterday they were supposed to leave at night but he's like, "Oh no, it's too dangerous. Especially for the boys." He started out with that. Then he commented, "I don't know how we're going to sleep in the cars. It's sort of uncomfortable."
He knew my dad would hear and immediately offer our room. He did. My dad's sister was ingoring him, probably thinking that he should shut the fuck up. I was thinking that too. So then we called a guy to help us out and get matresses on the floor for all of them (us three plus nine more, wtf). He's helping us out, and Orlis goes like, "Man, you've earned your tip real real well.." The guy gave a chuckle, smiled. He left, then came back. Then left. "Hey, Denis, did you give the guy his tip?" Orlis says.
What the hell is wrong with you? You and your stupid little unhelpful family is the one staying in my room and bothering us, and you expect us to pay for the service too? Why do you think that we have money left to give out? That we have money-growing trees in our backyard? That we don't work hard for our money?
Then, later, my parents and I left to another room because thre wasn't enough space for us.       -What the hell? You're kicking us out, now?- First we get all our clothes that are around and the things we had left behind. My dad's sister and her husband and oldest son get up to help us, those honeys. But, obviously, Orlis and his stupid little wife are laying down comfortably. Orlis with the covers over his face and his wife looking up at us smiling. Their two boys sleeping. My dad's sister's youngest son was laying down too and he was awake, but whatever. I'm -somehow- not ticked off by that. My dad, I guess, feels it hot and asks why they turned off the AC. "I'm sick, and the AC makes it worse," answered Orlis. So All 8 people have to sweat their asses off because you're sick. Right.
In the morning, everything's fine again. Right Orlis? Motherfuck.
He's like all happy on me and wishing me a good trip. Not just me, but everyone. I get in the taxi and realize that we've paid plenty of attention to him and his family and they just shit on my family and I. We gave out presents -did you notice the "S" at the end of the noun??- to him, his wife, and his two kids. They didn't give us anything. Plenty of meaningless hugs, Orlis. Thanks.