Am a little concerned that am beginning to come across the same way as every single other girl on these fucking journals. I'm not, really. I'm not quite that self-absorbed.

Ok, so my latest dilemma: Taryn is holding the "end of year" part next week, after our last exam. However, it is invite only. That really pisses me off.. At home, if we were gonna do that, it'd be totally open, and anyone's allowed in, just don't bring E. Here, it's like exclusion is the aim of the game.

Of course, I didn't get an invite. That's fine by me, because parties here are shit and they still haven't gotten past the stage where if they pick someone up, they can't talk for three weeks afterwards. So that's not what I'm pissy about. I'm pissy about the fact that every single person in our year group has struggled through this school year, and every single one of us made it. So who made it Taryn and her fucking little hierarchy's job to decide who has the right to celebrate the fact that it's over?

I know that I'm nobody here. I'm the left wing, edgy chick that no one really knows or likes. But those who do me, they love me. It shits me that there's so much division at this school. It's so utterly pointless, and stupid. We're all going to get through the next two years together, and it's time they accepted that not everyone can be as rich, pretty or bitchy as they are.

Rant over.

Exam update- 2 down, 6 to go.

English
Maths (Tech free)
Commerce
History
Maths (Tech active)
Music
Science
Science ICAS.

Listening to: "Happy Ending" - Mika

So, today I am 16. I was not looking forward to today, because lately I am in that disgusting adolescent mindset in which things can fall into only two categories: Life, or death. And so, the idea of being 16 scared me, because I'm realising that everyday I am closer to death, and today, it is a whole year.

But, overall, it has not been as abhorrent as anticipated. I woke up at like, 6:30 this morning, with streamers all over me, courtesy of the girls in Rm 50. How I love them.

Birthday messages:

Jake- "Hehe. Sweet sixteen... And definitely been kissed.. By me. X
Maree- "Good morning my beauteous tessa dear, happy 16th birthday! Sex! Driving! Oh yay! I hope this day is perfect for you as you are perfect every day. Miss you, x"
Aunty Blue- "Happy bday u gorgeous girl. Have a fab day. Eat cake luv aunty blue xxx"
Prue (shock)- "Happy birthday tess.. Have a good day."
Sogan (also shock)- "Happy birthday tessa luen mulham.. today you turn 16. I can't believe it's a year since i started being really good friends with all of you girls. one of the best decisions in my life was sleeping in your cabin at howmans gap with you tess. Ihavegonefrom having nothing to finding my everything.. You are one of the very few people in this world that i have an instant weakness to. You could do the worst possible action towards me and i wouldn't feel a thing. I miss you. I don't know why i haven't told you this. But i have found ithard to just send this text. But i'm trying to say that i love you girl. Your one of the nine reasons i wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I don't know what else to say.. But happy birthday.." (Made me cry)
Boy- "Have a good one!"
Mitchell- "Hey my beautiful birthday girl. Just wanted to give u a quick birthday message 2.. Happy birthday!! Hope u have the most amazing day, cos u deserve nothing less. I love you so much!Xoxoxoxoxo"
Filthy Indian- "Happy bday loser!! How old u turning? 16? xo filthy indian =)"
Mad- "HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUBAR! Yay yay.. Love from mad an geoff. Did you open the pacakge?"
Na na- "Happy birthday! Have a great day, i miss you. wish icould see you today , but i'm sure you will have a smashing time with your mates, i love you forever baby x"
Mill- "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TESS!!! Hope you have a great day xox"
Mum- "Hope you have the best of days. You deserve it. Xx mum"
Liz- "Happy birthday babe xx"
Jim- "Hey tess merry birthday you pensioner, hope you have a good one."

So, yeah. Overall, a good birthday.

But regardless of how good they are, they depress me.

Listening to: An oldfart rambling on. 

My accounting teacher lost my final assessment.

Bastarding bastard.

I really, really hate that.

 

Listening to: "Just Like Heaven" - The Cure

I've been doing an awful lot of self-reflection lately. Way too much. It's too much cos I'm beginning to get scared. I think I'm a good person. But then, according to religious people, like my roommate, you can't officially be a good person unless you believe what they do. And I can't manage that. I don't have that much faith in anything at all.

Graarghh.

Stop thinking. I need to. These thoughts are recurring so much lately. And what's weird is that they're not just late at night when I can't sleep anymore. I'm thinking when I'm wide awake. It's 8.38 in the evening at the moment, and I just had a massive freakout. I don't know who I can talk to about this. I don't know who I can tell. I don't know if my thoughts will make sense to anyone else when I try to translate them into conversation. And I don't know if I want to burden anyone else with the huge weight my thoughts bring.

Listening to: "When The War Is Over" - Something For Kate

I'm a bit worried. There's too much pain being carried by too many people around me, and I don't like it. I worry that they're struggling, and I'm not doing enough to help because I just can't. There is nothing to be done if they won't let me.. But if I keep trying to get in deep, will it help, or just make them resent me for being a pest?

Oh, I don't know. Stop thinking so much, Tessa.

Listening to: "River Below"- Billy Talent

Iwontbeurwinter, no, it's not just you. You're the only journal I've seen published for the last week or so. I'm thinkking it doesn't register if I write one.

Listening to: "Mango Tree" - Angus & Julia Stone 

the concept of a letter arriving via paper aeroplane is so cool.

i wish it were summer again. i'm missing those balmy, nothing type days when the minutes slide by in no particular order, and time falls out of its regular pattern. those lazy, smoky Sunday afternoon kisses that feel like they were personally invented by us. even here, as we slide towards december and summer days creep closer, there is no change. i am as cold now as i have been all year.

the sunshine here is a weak imitation of what i know, and i myself become a weaker imitation of who i am when i am underneath it. i feel as though i can reassemble myself under the heat and confronting power of the Riverina sunshine.

i miss my river.
i miss going floating on the river the morning after the night before.
i miss taking four hours to float two kms.
i miss getting scaldingly burnt, and turning black overnight.
i miss the burrs in my feet, gained from trips around town in bare feet.
i miss them because they seemed constant for so long, but now they are nowhere to be seen.
i miss the river rats, those comrades who make everything lighter.
i miss being able to reminisce about those days.
i miss who i was, and who they were.

but most of all, more than anything else, i miss knowing that they love me. i hate to i think i've lost that love, that care, through a lack of attention on both parties' behalf.

i wish i could go back. and then, i don't. i want more than anything for things to be as they were, with the summer seeming to stretch out in front of us without end. and yet, i wouldn't go back to it, because i know that things can't stay that way forever, and if i had to live it all again, the pain of knowing it would end would be too much for me to bear.

Suffice to say, i'm sorry. and i hope you are too.

Listening to: Nothing.
Reading: "It" by Stephen King

I am finding myself absurd.

I love "It" by Stephen King with every part of me. Is that weird?

Oh, yes. You can tell you're a boarder when all of a sudden you get hellishly sick and can't get out of bed, and are so broke that you can't afford tissues, and are now using a roll of toilet paper.

Ew.

Listening to "Photographs and Memories" - Jim Croce 

YOU!

Why, why, why will you not let me move on? I get so close, and then he calls, or texts, and all of a sudden I am putty in his hands. I live four hours away now, and yet I still cannot let go. Why won't he let me?

Does he give a shit? Or is it guilt? Is it the fact that, as yet, no other girl will have him? Will he fall in love again and stop all this and stir up all the hurt again?
Ergh, fuck the relentless questions. I'm sick of them.

So, today I was on the keys, playing away, bein cool. I was playing "Three Cheers For Five Years" by Mayday (if you don't know it, check it out), and I looked up and this guy Idon't know was standing in the doorway, watching. Me being the cool cat I am, I totally freaked. (That's the second time I've used the word "cool" in this paragraph. Great use of that famed vocab, Tess.) But he was all like, no, it's ok, I'm just listening. So I kept going. And when I finished, he was still there, just smiling and applauding me. So, I bowed.. And he waved, and he was gone. I have no idea who he was, or why he was at my school, but God! I wish I did.

Woot woot, I'm bored. I have the second series of Gossip Girl on the lappy, but I don't really feel like letting my brain cells rot tonight. I think I'll go find a guitar that no one's using. Mine still at home, frustrating.

Toodles.

Listening to - "Dirt Road Blues" Bob Dylan

I sleep dreamlessly, but I wake up tired.
I despise being judged, and yet I constantly judge.
I open my eyes, but still I can't - or won't - see.
I wish I could miss who I should, but I refuse to show such a weakness.
I want to tell my heart that it's not allowedto do this to me.
I tell myself I am in control, even while I teeter on the edge.
I try to act like myself, all the while covering myself in disguises so no one will ever know.
I wish away the days, weeks, months, and then get scared about running out of time.

listening to: "Forever" - Ben Harper

Oh, my lord. This song is amazing. I want it played at my wedding...

Arrgh. I'm in physics, I should really be focussing. But I won't, because today is last day of term, and in two hours I will begin the six hour drive to where I'm from.

*MIXED FEELINGS*

Sorry, I forgot.. Obviously, I can't put the score on here, but I thought I'd post the lyrics anyhow.

"Late Night"
It's late, and once again we're
Still up and rambling on a bit
We're both so far away, but
Just right now it doesn't seem it.

I know that once again, I'm
Not really being very nice
I'm not meaning to hurt, but
I don't quite know how to think twice

I'm just as big a mess as you
But I think we've found our place tonight.

If I was to be kind,
I would tell you that you're mine
I think that this is one that
You will need to work out for yourself
And since we are so right
I guess I'll give you time, but
I won't be here for long, there's
Too much more to do.

It's late, and once again, you've
Left me awake and all confused
I'll wake up in the morning
And then I guess I'll have to choose.


I'm so transparent. It's not half obvious who it's about... Jake and Mitch. The loves I can't decide on.

Listening to: "Lemon Tree" - Fool's Garden

So, I've realised something. I've realised that although I've kept a diary/journal/scribblebook all my life, I do stop every now and then.

I seem to restart everytime the voice in my head get too loud.

And i don't mean like... Schizophrenic voices. I mean.. You know when you're thinking. Like, in the shower, or on the bogger (I got the highest mark in the state for english, can you tell?), or whatever, and your mind is just happily thinking and ticking away, and it's normal?
Well, every now and then, my head voices start yelling. It's usually when I'm in the shower, and expecting to be able to think (i do like all my thinking in the shower) and I suddenly realise that I'm fully stressed. Like the antagonised feeling you get when your mum is yelling about something you have no interest in whatsoever.

That's when I start keeping a journal again. Because then I know that no matter how many solo walks with the 'pod I take, no matter how many jams I have, the yelling won't stop til I offload some of my thoughts.

Eesh, does everybody else think this much?
I hope not.

Going home tomorrow, uber exciting. Three weeks in the hole with no boyfriend, no boarder food and no life.
Oh, the thrills.

General:

Date of Birth: 25.11.92
Birthplace: Australia
Current Location: D to the N E
Eye Color: Brown. Borring..
Hair Color: Brown. Also boring.
Height: Way short. Around 160 cm I think
Heritage: .. No idea.

Favorites:

Band/Singer: Arrgh... At the moment, there're three.
-Mayday Parade, because they are lyrical Gods.
-Muse, purely because theyre amazing.
-Cat Empire, because they make my feet dance.

Song: Hmm... "Swing Life Away"- Rise Against.
Movie: Fight Club, Donnie Darko. Can never decide..
Disney Movie: The Lion King. Alltime classic.
TV show: The West Wing. (ha. sad, i know.)
Color: Varies from day today. Today, probably green
Food: Anything that isn't mass produced for boarders.
Soda: None, if I can help it.
Store: ReDiscovery
Clothing Brand: Anything I like when I try it on really
Shoe Brand: Imagine
Season: Summer. Mm... I miss you..
Month: January. River + Parties + Mates = Heaven on earth.
Holiday/Festival: None really. I guess Christmas.
Flower: Sunflower. They make me smile. =]
Make-Up Item: Mascara

Your:

Goal for this year: Erm.. Figure out what my goal for next year is. heh.
Most missed memory: The Primary School days..
Best physical feature: Erm.. My hands? Lol. pathetic, all I can think of is my goddam hands.
First thought waking up: "Hell, why is that alarm going off now, and where isit coming from.."
Hypothetical personality disorder: Heh. Chronic mood swings?
Sesame street alter ego: If I had my way, Oscar the Grouch. Most people would probably say Elmo.
Fairytale alter ego: One of the twelve dancing princesses! Lol
Greatest ambition: I have so many... Just to make an impact on lives in whichever area I follow, I think.
Greatest fear: Moths. Haha
Darkest secret: Don't really have one, I'm no good at secrets..
Favorite subject: Music/English
Strangest received gift: A bag that contained:
- Three singlets
- Lots of chewing gum
- About a million ribbons
- A letter
- A packet of condoms.
Worst habit: So many.

Do You:

Smoke: On the rare occasion
Drink: On the not so rare occasion
Curse: fuck no.
Shower daily: Yup
Sing: yeah, but it's a bad habit
Play an instrument: Piano, guitar and bass
Get along with your parents: not really
Wish on stars: Nope
Believe in fate: Nope
Believe in love at first sight: Kind of. Thats a loaded question.

Have you ever:

Been Drunk: Yahben.
Been Stoned/High: Yeah
Eaten Sushi: Mm deffo
Been in Love: Yes.
Skipped school: Mmhm
Made prank calls: No. I never really saw the humour in it.
Sent someone a love letter: hahaha,. yes.
Stolen something: Probably
Cried yourself to sleep: Oh, yes.

Other questions:

What annoys you most in a person?: Disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, unecessarily cruel people.
Are you right or left handed?: Right.
What is your bedtime?: At school? 10. At home, whenever.
Name three things you can't live without: Ipod, Glasses, Mi Goreng noodles.
What is the color of your room?: Blue
Do you have any siblings?: A little bro, named Boy.
Do you have any pets?: A dog who sleeps in my bed during the school term... bitch..
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?: Ah.. Probably.
What is your middle name?: Luen.
What are your nicknames?: Deni, Tessy, Tessy Bear, Lubar, Lueba, Tessy Lue, etc etc. Pretty much anything.
Are you for or against gay marriage?: It doesnt bother me. I think it's a personal choice, but I also think marriage is nothing more than one very expensive day and a piece of paper, so Idon't understand the big deal.
What are your thoughts on abortion?: I'm pro-choice.
Do you have a crush on anyone?: I do. My Mitchell
Are you afraid of the dark?: Yes!!
How do you want to die?: Drowning.. Is that really morbid? I just find water incredibly peaceful.
Would you take a bullet for the one you love?: If I had to.

In members of the opposite sex:

Hair color: Dark
Eye color: I like Blue-grey eyes. Mainly because of one person.
Height: Taller than me. Not a difficult requirement.
Weight: Anything in that fairly wide "healthy" range.
Most important physical feature: Eyes and smile
Biggest turn-off: Pushy boys. Arrrgh.