There was this essay contest type thing at school recently, and I submitted one. The winners were announced Friday, and I didn't win :( I came in third, though, so that's cool. But then in the halls afterward, Shaun ran up to me and was like, "You didn't win! This is blasphemy!" and I laughed and told him I agreed, and he was like, "Yours was hands down the best essay in there." And I was like, "You didn't even read it!" and he said, "I didn't have to!" hahah. Then he told me I had to win the next one, and I was like, "Well I will try, for you!" and he laughed and we made it a deal. Then we talked more and went to our classes, etc.

But the point of this is that I think I might sadly, unfortunately, regrettably have slight feelings for Shaun :( He's just so funny and cuuuute and smart and nice and g4fkysh3fd7th! But this is so wrong because I just found out that he has a girlfriend (she doesn't go to our school)... And I've been the girlfriend in that situation before and it is not fun, and I always swore I wouldn't do that to someone else and then here I am! But I'm obviously not going to do anything about it (unlike my situation); I would never tell him about it and I would never even hint at it, or flirt with him, or want them to break up or anything. I will just wait it out and hope for these dumb feelings to go away, ha. But it makes me mad because he used to have these feelings for me, and I ruined it. He asked me out, and I said no because I'd still had feelings for J at the time. Grrr, why can't I ever like someone the same time they like me? Or the other way around? It is very frustrating indeed. But I suppose it was a good thing, because then he wouldn't have met his current girlfriend and got together with her, who seems really nice/pretty and who he seems really happy with. Haha, so I won't mess this up.

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.

Today was actually a pretty good day. In AP English, we played this game where you had to split up into groups, and I was with Bridget and two other girls that I've been sort of kind of talking to a bunch lately. It was really fun, though. At one point, I had to go up against Shaun and it was so funny; he was taunting me (in a joking way) and it was just hilarious. Then in Stats, Bridget and I talked the whole class pretty much (because today was just getting our averages and what not in most classes) and I even talked a bit with Brooke (Former). So, yeah, that was nice.

Oh but then, last period, I had to get my superlative pictures done for the yearbook, and one of them I had to take with Gabe, since he won the same one. Talk about awkward. The girl taking the picture (who's in my grade) was like, "Gabe, put your arm around her!" and he did. Obviously she doesn't know we had some awkward little thing for a bit; it just would've looked nicer in the picture. I don't know, though, it was just weird. We didn't end up picking that picture, though. But yeah.

Hm... so that's pretty much all I have to talk about today. Oh but also - only twelve days until the Brand New/GlassJAw concert! My tickets still haven't come, though, and it's starting to worry me, haha. But yeah, I'm pretty excited.

Things have been pretty much the same. Though, I submitted my first college application today, and it's such a weird feeling. I remember being a freshman, and looking at the seniors thinking they'd had everything all figured out - they knew who they were, and who their friends were, and what they were doing - but now I'm a senior and I've realized I feel just as awkward and nervous and out of place as I did then, and I'm starting to worry I always will. I don't know the first thing about myself, or who I'm supposed to be, and I don't have a concrete set of friends, and I have absolutely no idea what it is I'm doing or where it is I'm going. Obviously I didn't expect to have this huge transformation/epiphany where I'd instantly become this perfect person with everything figured out and decided on, but I kind of assumed I'd have things more together than I do. I don't know.

Anyways, the new Say Anything has grown on me, but I'm still pretty disappointed by it. I like it far better than IDotG, but I can't help but compare it to IARB - an album that hit me at just the right time in my life and encompassed almost all of the confused and spastic feelings I'd been feeling then. This one, like In Defense, doesn't quite do that for me, and that's fine - I understand Max has moved on and is now in a new, better state of mind (he just got married, is over his bipolar disorder, etc) but I guess it's just that I still haven't yet. Oh well, though. "Cemetery" and "Ahhh... Men" are great songs, and I'm really digging "Mara and Me" and "Fed To Death" despite my disappointment of the album as a whole.

Report cards come out in the next two or so weeks, and I'm pretty nervous. First term is always my worst of the year, which sucks because this first term is especially important seeing as that's what colleges look at. I'm not worried about French (which I currently have a 100% average in! haha), AP English (A), math (A), other math (A), or gym (A, ha), but I'm worried about AP Psych and Anatomy - I reaaally hope I have an A in AP Psych. I did, but then I did awful on two tests, so I'm sure it went down quite a bit... but then on the last test, I got a 96%. I've done all the homework and got an A on my project, so hopefully that'll bring it up as well? I don't know. And then Anatomy- I currently have an 88.95% in, which is like a B+, I think? Which is fine, I know, but I really need an A. Like AP Psych, I had an A, until I bombed a few tests/quizzes. I don't think I really have a chance to raise this one, though. If she gives us an extra credit assignment (which I'm really hoping she will! She's still considering it, though), then I can possibly raise it to an A- but I don't know...

Anyways, I have AP Psych homework, now that I think of it, so I should get on that instead of ranting away in some online journal I should've given up forever ago.

I deleted all my entries cause they were dumb. However, I'm pretty sure the new ones will be as well, but that's okay.

So, Shaun and I have been talking a bunch lately. We spent lunch together today, and it was nice. We talked about Neutral Milk Hotel, haha. He asked what my favourite song of their's is, and I said, "Where You'll Find Me Now" and it turns out that is his favourite as well! Soul-mates, I know. Also, we made cookies and I made mine weirdly shaped, and he laughed at them and said they were "cute," haha. I don't really know where I'm going with this- I guess I'm just happy we're talking again.

Drama has been nice. During break yesterday, someone turned on their ipod and put "Hey Jude" on and it was cool cause everyone there knew the words, and so everyone sang it. When it got to the "Ju- Jude-y Jude-y Jude-y Jude-y Jude-y!" part (aka the best part), Charlie sang it wicked loud by himself, haha. It was so cute :x

Bridget and I have been hanging out a bunch as well, and it's nice. I've missed having friends, haha. Only I'm still not quite all the way there yet. Today, Shaun asked me what I was doing for Halloween and I felt really lame cause I don't have any plans, haha :( Oh well, though.