by DJgif on June 29, 2009
I think being afraid is worse than being in pain.
Well essentially being afraid hurts you, but sometimes in that moment of paranoia I can't imagine anything worse. At least if you are hurt you know
. I can't stand it. Fear controls me. I am so afraid and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to do little things, I never handed in my assignments because I was afraid. Whenever I take risks I'm never wrong, don't mean to be arrogant but sometimes I'd like to feel relieved. Thing is, my worst fears have come true. They are worse than I could have ever imagined. But somehow, having nightmares, feeling uncomfortable, being paranoid of everything, questioning everything, trying to read minds, was a kind of hell I could never explain in words. I went so insane with fear I wanted to die. I couldn't take another day of it. The fears manifested themselves in nightmares, and then I became afraid of the nightmares, and then I became afraid of when I wasn't asleep because things seemed to make more sense when I was. I had nightmares where I lookied in the mirror every wound I'd ever had reappeared on my body, cutting deep into my flesh until you couldn't see it anymore, they overlapped, digging into me. It wouldn't stop. I dreamed a million hands were touching me on every part of my body, a million people with their hands all over me, smiling and laughing. A million people judging me, using me, violating me. I dreamed I tried to kill myself but I just couldn't do it, I wouldn't die. I dreamed I tried to scream but nothing came up, my house burned down and I burned with it. People watching me but I couldn't see them. I killed my father and the blood wouldn't come off my hands and people could see. I wanted him to die, I wanted everyone to die and hurt and I could feel it and it felt so good when I did. My parents finding out about my secrets were the worst, though from a distance it doesn't seem so bad. ...and it fucked me up, those dreams. Like how I dreamed I wanted something I thought I didn't want and then I didn't know what the truth was. It fucking confused me. Not knowing and fear control me. They go hand in hand. I hate it. I hate fear. Wish I could say, fuck you fear. I know who I am and I know what I want, you can't tell me otherwise only I can. But I can't. Because I don't really know anything for sure. Fuck man. Now I forgot where I was going with this, ah... another thing I don't know.