Three laundromats and a sign that seems like a rip off of Donnie Darko is what I see as we drive a road leading perpindicular to one named Plate.

Let's go to the book store and watch my pride die as I look for a self help book. Alas, I had not enough money with me, and my pride shall hold off for a while yet.

This softness, it's back. It's been haunting me ever since, but now it's really here. Why on earth did you have to be so soft? It feels as though there is a fluff of cotton wedged in my heart, capturing and soaking all my blood. It wells inside me, like a water balloon you just couldn't let be. Weighing me down, when I'm alone mostly. Until I see you again and all these things melt away, and my god, I hate it.

The road to a small enlightenment has begun to feel more like a road to silence and softness, and I just want to feel a little passion. It feels less like I'm trying to be better and more like I'm trying to give up. Or to control, I don't know which one.

I realize that perhaps my journal has become one of those very boring journal, where the writer seems to be trying desperately to sound deep and whimsy, the kind of journals I hate to read. Perhaps I've alwasy been that way or maybe I just feel into it by chance. Who knows.

My friend seems to be very off today, and I can't seem to get passed the want to blame myself. Perhaps I did do something wrong. I'm unsure how though.

We went to an art class with her grandmother. We had a lesson in water color. It was actually very interesting and opening for me, depsite my hatred for water colors. However, after that I think my hatred may turn into more of a curiosity, and I want to master an untamed beast.

I was telling my friend's mother Nik about how I had been having trouble breathing earlier though I had done nothing that day, and she told me that was a panic attack. I looked it up later, and it seems she is very right. It also seems to explain many other unexplainable things that happen to me quite often. Which is both relieving and terrifying all at once.

My father turned 40 yesterday, but I didn't say happy birthday. He hasn't in years, and neither have I.

Quote of the Day:
~ “Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.”
--James Anthony Froude

This uncomfortable sense of apathy seems to not want to dissipate as of right now.

My stomach aches, my mind feels dull, my eyes feel heavy, as does my heart. It's almost like a guilt but more like a void.

I feel best when I'm driving.

My hands gripped lightly around the steering wheel, good ole' 10 and 2, images blurring by and nothing is a constant when I'm passing it all by.

And this time I'm just sitting here mentally stating to myself, 'things are good right now, kid, lighten up a little.'

I have so much anticipation for the future that it sometimes hinders my present and pushes me into that funk that makes me want to sleep for many years.

Ah, moody me. Let's not be quite so.

Perhaps acceptance is just your minding finally giving in. Acceptance seems to be my lowest point, when there's nothing left to fight for. When there cease to be not only answers but questions too.

Ah, this is just another of those moods. Tomorrow I'll be right-o and chipper, yeah. After I destroy that Chemistry test.

I wrote a poem the other day, a couple actually, they were shit. Poems always are to me, mine anyway.

Things will be good, this weekend will be good, this summer will hopefully be good. Yes, yes.

A little less pessimism and little more optimism, and then you've nailed it. You got the part.

Things just don't seem so entertaining anymore, I want to go do something. I want to get out. Just where to is the problem, that and getting passed my parents.

Have a good end of the week and weekend everyone. Thursdays are my favorite, enjoy it tomorrow.

Quote of the Day:
~“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”~
--August Wilson

One thing I really like about writing here is that I can package up a little part of me that's been scratching to get out, and send it off. By the end of the goodbye I usually begin to feel better, usually.

Don't die.

"Sissy, I promise, everything's going to be okay.." "It will just take some time.."

God, I hope so. I hope so much that you'll do what you say this time. But your hugs sometimes feel like choking, and you're only sweet when you've seen me kicked down.

I hope things will go up instead of just faking and then spiraling down. I hope this time passes by more quickly than one can fathom, but I know it won't, not without windows.

At least I'm leaving soon.

I have a cocktail of emotions clambering about in my head and I don't know which one to follow. It's as though they're all climbing on a play ground, and I follow one for so long..and then it falls off and I'm stuck empty.

I'm angry and hurt, upset that things don't have a solution, made powerless by my parents inaction, and scared for what the future holds.

I just want to run as fast as my messed up little legs will carry me and somehow end up on a beach looking over the ocean. I just want to get away. Man, I can't wait to get out of here. I often feel it will be so sad, but I have to get away..far away. I think I want to live on campus for college..force myself into social situations and just try to experience something new.

No matter how rough life gets in adulthood, at least I will have myself to blame, at least it will be on my shoulders, at least I won't be this powerless creature tormented by what's just out of reach.

I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day.

Quote of the Day:
~“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”~
-- William Arthur Ward

A heightened awareness of my heart beating, palpitations, accompanied by a more than needed awareness of myself and of the softness of everything. Soft skin, soft lips, soft hair, soft shirt, soft touch shirt gives, soft fingernails, soft eyelashes, soft bed sheets, soft words, soft pillow, soft bed, soft buttons, soft feeling. Last night as I drifted off to sleep abstracts thoughts of softness danced around me and I saw my bones fold in.

I really haven't the slightest idea what it's about. Or why I feel it, or why I've only felt it since I came back.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. God,I am so sorry.

I don't know what for, for you, for me, I don't know, I just feel sorry as fuck.

Sorry that I can't where that polka dotted shirt and sorry that I'm here, and that I still don't know what I want and that I don't think I ever will. Sorry that my stomach is still in knots and that I miss it.

This isn't what I came to write about. Get out of my mind.

Blech.

Giving blood, maybe, if my heart isn't a problem. I'm terrified of needles and am fully ready to cry/laugh/hyperventilate in front of a total stranger in order to possibly save someone.

I hope I get to. Well not cry and giggle crazily, but give blood.

Anyway, I must be going before my thoughts eat my very being.

Quote of the Day:
~“Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.”~
--Roger Miller

Alaska died, she fucking died. Yeah, I knew it was going to happen, I read the review, but god, she's gone. And poor, poor Miles. Can we please just wait for Alaska?

The book's great, really, but I can't read another damned page of it until I write in my sad little journal that I abuse with drama and melancholy phases. Sorry Journal.

I knew she was going..but I became so attached to her, to her and Miles together. And the whole time I was reading and they were hooking up, though they both had significant others, I couldn't stop thinking about someone I shouldn't.

I don't know anything anymore, my mind is on this whole flipping from one mood to another rampage and I can never quite keep up.

I watched Lost in Translation last night and thought about everything they say to one another, how reckless they are, how beautiful. It's a great movie, just like he said. And I of course teared up at the end.

Do you want me to tell you what he says at the of Lost in Translation?
Yes
whispers,I won't let this come between us.

And you didn't, not really, I wish I didn't live so far away, but even if I were closer.. would things really be different?

Things seem to be failing in my life, big time. And as anxious and fucked I am about these things I can't help but reflect on the transience of life.

Everything ends. I wish it didn't sometimes. I wish there was a way to hide inside a thought or a memory, to hide inside a song, or a dance, or a kiss, or the warmth of a blue walled room.

I also wish I weren't so damn sentimental.

Honestly, I really just want to get high right now and laugh a lot about nothing in particular. I want to go away to that safe haven that is Arkansas, I'll be there in a couple of months, I'll be away in a sense.

There's so much in life I have yet to experience, and there are so many things I most likely won't experience. I don't know how I feel about the latter just yet, but I want to do something about the former. I just want to take some chances, I just want to feel like I'm living. I just want to have that incredibly free feeling, that feeling of moving, even if what you're doing is not what you want. As long as you're doing something.

It just always seems like I will be running in place. I will always play it safe, I will never do what I want, because I don't know what that is. Everything is so complicated, I just want to lie in the grass and watch the clouds pass...in silence. But not everyone knows that want for silence, that want for quiet understandings. Maybe I don't even, really.

I don't know if you really read this, or if it really was your friend, or if you'll ever read this again. But I'm going to say it anyway, because I can't say it to you, because I live in fear.

Be happy, you deserve it, be happy and do what you want. I know you have a great sense of life and I love the way you think, and I'm probably not giving you any advice you haven't already thought of yourself. But dammit, you're such a great person and I know you don't always or ever think that, but you are. Whatever you decide to do in life, no matter what it is, I will always be there for you, encouraging you, no matter how much it hurts me. Because at some point life just has to stop being about yourself and more about the ones you love. And I just want you to know, that I will always be here for you, even when I'm long since passed, even if you don't realize it, even if I get moody like I do. I care for you deeply, as a friend or a lover, or whatever you want to be. I know in some sense I've told you this before, but writing it here just makes it seem a bit more final, it gets it out of my thoughts at least, I hope. Take care, Joel.

My head is fucking pounding.

Quote of the Day:
~"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."~
--Albert Schweitzer

I'm thinking about trying to get a hold of a 'how to deal with anxiety' book, or buying one over the summer. And really reading it this time, and really taking it to heart. But I'm never sure about such things. I guess, I'm scared to find out and show others who I am under all the anxiety and shyness.

Have a good week everyone. Don't die, or try not to.

I don't know if anyone keeps up with me or my journal anymore, but if you do or if you found my journal and PM-ed(which is totally fine, and really awesome) Then you may have forgotten to fill out the subject line, and currently my account flashes 'one new message' but I can't look or see the message (or who it's from or if it's even there) because the subject wasn't filled in.

So please, if you did send me a message recently, resend it and fill in the subject and then I should properly receive it and reply to it.

Thanks,
Kathlynn

~no quote~

It's hard for me to decide what to worry about and what not to worry about and when to worry about which.

Some days I feel like I should only be concerned with now and things that affect me directly, but other times it's pretty much the opposite.

It's hard to find a balance between the two, really.

History and politics and the history of politics pisses me off so much. Like how at the end of WWI we pretty much told Vietnam to fuck off because they were too small to give two shits about even though they deserve the same rights we have because they are people too. Then the Vietnam war happens like...40 years later (no wonder..) and we sweep in like usual to 'save the day' and help out that poor country..

All my life I have been told the Vietnam War was basically this; The country was divided and angry, and started fighting each other. One side was right and one side was wrong. Up until this point in history Vietnam didn't really do anything or try to get any help. America, being the wonderful and empathetic nation we are, saw that the good side was being beat and thus sent troops to help. A lot of people didn't like it because no one likes war, and eventually we pulled out.

But that's not what really happened and I'm just so sick of finding out that I've been lied to my whole life. The older I get the more lied to I realize I am.

Perhaps if we had met in the middle of the 14 points (which laid down for everyone) and the Treaty of Versailles (which just humiliated Germany and only made punishments) Then Germany wouldn't have been so pissed at us and their people wouldn't have been so willing to believe in someone like Hitler. Then maybe we could have prevented WWII. And if we would have just helped Vietnam have some freedom then we wouldn't have had the Vietnam War.

But of course...we were completely 100% right in ignoring Wilson and not arguing with the Big 4. And there was absolutely no way we could have prevented WWII or the Vietnam War.

However, subjects like this are what I'm not sure I should worry about.

Guh. That was really just a rant.

It's hard to not worry about things like this though. =\ It seems useless though, no one else seems to care...why should I? Why can't I just be caught up in day to day drama like everyone else?

Why do I think that though? Why don't I think more along the lines of; Why aren't other people caring about this? Why aren't we rewriting our history books and talking about things like that? Why does it seem okay that politics or whatever it is that controls things like this just smoothed the edges? Do you just accept that it happened and that no one is talking about it and move on? Is that okay? Is it better to do that?

I really have no idea.

Quote of the Day:
~“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.”~
-Bill Maher

I listen to a certain a album and I'm almost immediately flung into a past period in my life. The Shepherd's dog is the most recent period defined by certain music. I listened to non-stop it seemed in Arkansas. It was my driving album because it calmed me to sing to it while driving. I took it to the House one night and they all too fell in love with the album. I listened to a song from it because a friend had added it to his profile and I didn't so much long for that time, but I felt connected to it. Not in really a happy or sad way, just a sentimental way I suppose.

Other albums/artists that take on certain periods time are like this;
Chiodos- Bone Palace; depressed over a lost love, winter time
Blink 182- Self Titled album- 4th-5th grade, discovering a band on my own that I like, this band in more ways than one defined my music taste from this point in my life on out.
My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers- 6th grade, sitting on my bedroom floor drawing or writing, trying to figure out who I wanted to be. Feeling ostracized and unfitting, wanting to become braver. Trying to expand my musical tastes.
Iron & Wine- Our Endless Numbered Days; time in my room on the computer mostly. Thinking a great deal, trying to solve my problems without the help of others, wanting to build better relationships.
Brand New - Jude Law and a Semester Abroad music video; sitting in my living room watching endless hours of music videos on Fuse, getting lost in music and enjoying every moment of it.

And the list goes on. It seems that just about every part of my life has at least one artist that I listened to heavily and that influenced my perception at that time.

I don't really have much else to say, I need to get some things done and finish making a cake for my step father's birthday.

Quote of the Day:
~“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”
-- Henry Van Dyke

It's time to make a list!

I figure if I put in on a site I use daily I will be more likely to get things done. My other lists work and all, I just think this one will be better. So every time I log on here I will think about my journal at least once and then feel guilty thus completing my list. (I hope)

Okay, here we go...

Tonight:
1.) Finish rewriting the letter, stamp it.
2.) Paint butterflies
3.) Try to write in novel/la even if you don't feel up to it.
4.) Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by people talking to you, explain nicely you really need to do this. If they fight you on it, block their asses. (seriously, you know who you're thinking about)
5.) Write in your new project.
6.) Read

Tomorrow Morning:
1.) Drink coffee
2.) Spray paint puzzle pieces before Dar comes over.
3.) Read before Dar comes over
4.) Put load of towels in the wash
5.) Pick up room
6.) Have lunch
7.) Walk with Dar to the post office to mail stamped letter(s)

Sunday:
1.) Coffee
2.) Pick up room
3.) Open blinds, turn lights off
4.) Read
5.) Have lunch
6.) Start on puzzle piece sculpture
7.) Write in novel/la
8.) Search google images for painting inspiration
9.) Call your sister

It may seem a little weird that I'm putting 'eat lunch' in them, but I usually forget to eat lunch and then I get shaky from have coffee with nothing to eat.(like I am right now, hah) Let's hope this turns out.

Have a good Friday.

Quote of the Day:
~“One of the secrets of getting more done is to make a TO DO List every day, keep it visible, and use it as a guide to action as you go through the day.”~
--Jean de La Fontaine

seemed like I should keep in the subject^

I am so utterly afraid to die. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about death and the afterlife, and for a second I thought about how I might not remember anything. Not Dar, Camden, Trev, Suss, Ali, Oli, movies, books, words, songs, melodies, nothing. And for a few seconds I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I could move my legs and I could hardly breathe I was so terrified.

I calmed down of course, but I just realized that no matter how happy or found I am I will always be afraid. Sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with death. I come to the conclusion that it will happen and I should just be happy and live my life and not worry. But then I usually think about it one day offhandedly, like last night, and just start the whole cycle over again starting with fear.

Yesterday was Dar's birthday. I hope he had a really nice one, he says he did, and he seemed to have a good time. I wore a skirt to school. I wore it like an umpire dress with a red square cut shirt under it. I looked nice and Dar liked how I looked. It was sunny and warm, around 63 actually.

I just wish I could shed those thoughts of death, just forever. I just wish I could live and that is all, just live. But if I did that I would lose my questioning quality and then I don't think life would be the same anyway.

I know it's a primitive thought, but I don't want things to change. I don't want people to die or change or leave I just want things to stay. But at the same time we need change.

I just sometimes think about how no matter what I do I will still die. There is no getting around it. Whether I change the world or do great things, I am still going to die.

Gosh, there are a lot of things I need to do. I need to make another list.

Quote of the Day:
~“It is foolish to pretend that one is fully recovered from a disappointed passion. Such wounds always leave a scar.”~
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

PS- ash, I wrote you a letter, but I need to rewrite it and mail it. I am soooo sorry.

I've come to the conclusion that wet popcorn smells horrible and I should write in here more.

As of late, I am ill. It was my fault for playing on the the snow mountain with Jared though, so I can't really whine about it. I'm feeling better though and have been drinking plenty of fluids.

There has been a bit of drama in my somewhat social circle, which usually when that happens I just ditch but I stuck around this time because I actually cared. I even went as far as to call out the drama starter, which blew up more than I expected (all of facebook too, no wonder..guh) and I partially feel like karma bit me in the ass for it because I woke up at 8am today instead of 6am. I was 30 minutes late to 1st hour, and I sincerely hope it counted as a tardy and not half a day. It won't ruin my perfect attendance either way, but I'd still rather have a tardy.

I went to the city on Friday and bought a new pair of Pumas and -gasp- heels. I used to wear heels every single day in 8th grade and I miss them. I'm fretting a bit over wearing them to school, but I'm going stick a pair of flats in my tote and hope for the best.

I'm making a C in chem, which is horrible! It's all because of this lousy Quest I failed because I kept confused Ca with C since I decided to be arrogant and breeze through the test. I'm hoping things will patch up with our upcoming chemical reactions test and the extra credit I will do soon.

Well, that's all I have to say for now, have a good evening everyone!

Quote of the Day:
~"Beware the fury of a patient man."~
--John Dryden

I just need a change.

I remember when I was little we would watch these videos where the letters had personalities, and X was always an outcast because he was C and S put together and he didn't feel like an individual, and even though he was accepted at the end I always felt bad for him.

I've been thinking about the past a lot, I'm not sure if I'm thinking about it in a positive or negative light, but I'm thinking about it.

I've been thinking about my friends a lot lately too, and about death and about how Robert died and he shouldn't have and how I'm so thankful Arnol's dad found him and that the gun misfired and he had to resort to pills because I don't know what I'd do without him and I wish I could express that without him feeling like I'm only saying it because of what happened. I wish I could just do one thing that could show everyone I love how much I care for them, but I just don't know what. Death is going to be with us our whole lives, and I'm starting to not feel so invincible anymore.

I haven't been writing because I don't want to think because thinking means bad bad things, man. I think the economy is taking a toll on my family, but I hope not. I don't really care though, as long as we can be together I'm okay. I miss my sister.

I wish I would have been there for Arnol and that I would have known and that I could stop blaming myself. I wish for one day I could be totally honest and just say what I think and not be argued on it, and just have people nod and accept my point of view and I accept theirs, but just for one day.

I'm feeling really regretful right now and feeling like I need to tell everyone I care about that I really do care about them because they could be gone sooner than I'd like. So to all my friends who do read this (Camden, Trev, Suss, Kins, Ash, Jas, all of you) I really do care for you all and respect you as individuals and if anything ever, ever gets so bad that you don't want to be here, just call me and I'll talk to you even if it's 4 in the morning. And just man, I love you all so much and I wish I was better at expressing this stuff because you are all amazing people and I wouldn't change any of you for the world. And I hope I do get to visit you soon Suss.

I don't read many journals anymore, and I should. I keep saying that I'm just so busy lately, but that shouldn't be an excuse. I need to start taking time to do things like that. I need to get my life in order, I need it to be in order because if everything is just in perfect order than no one will be hurt or upset because everything will be controlled and I will have control on life again and be able to stop blaming things because it will all be okay. Just let it be okay.

I need to go to bed now and stop writing because I'm starting to get frantic and I need to tell Ali she is a great friend and that I'm glad she's a Cancer and I wouldn't have her any other way, and I need to hug Dar and let him know how much I appreciate him, and I need to do a lot of other things and stop thinking about myself so much.

Just, everyone, try to be okay, and don't die, and buckle up when you get in a car and always look out for each other and just be okay.

Quote of the Day:
~"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind."~
-- William Shakespeare

So, so, so. It's Martin Luther King Jr day and tomorrow is Obama's inauguration! I wish we had tomorrow off to be able to see all the press coverage of it, but unfortunately we don't.

It snowed last night and stuck for the first time this year. I'm babysitting Ayn today and we played in it earlier which was really fun. He told me I'm the weirdest girl he knows =P (he's a fourth grader)

Last night I spent with Ali, we painted the doors of her closet and saw a movie. We saw The Bride Wars, which was downright awful. I wanted to see Gran Torino, but Ali didn't and afterward she said next time I should just choose the movie because Bride Wars sucked so much. It was still fun hanging out with her though.

Friday and Saturday I spent with Dar which was wonderful. Everything with him great. I'm so happy with him, it's nice to have someone who I can tell anything and know that he will just nod and talk to me about it and not get angry.

I'm a bit worried about Arnol, he said he tried to kill himself, I don't want to believe him but it's perfectly plausible. I just wish I was there for him, I don't know.

I haven't been writing much lately, it's wintertime and I'm trying not to get into over analyzing every little thing again. I don't feel like writing right now, maybe I will someday and actually want to write.

Anyway, life has been good, I still have a lot of things I need to do and never enough time and I'm always tired, and blah I need to do my Chem.

Quote of the Day:
~"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read"~
--Mark Twain

I wasn't going to post, well I was, but it was going to be a feelings thing. However, I remembered my dream and decided I wanted to talk about it on here.

I only remember a few things from it, but there is one particular scene that keeps wanting to play.

I was coming out of a house and there was a side walk leading to the street (I feel like maybe it was Sal's Uncle Jef's house) I came out of the house and was standing on the stair step waiting on someone, when I green jeep (Gur's jeep) and the door opened and it was TJ, but he looked kind of like Robert and I was so excited to see him and then I tilted my head to see in the passenger seat and it was Gur and I was equally as happy to see him.

I don't know what it was, but it just feels like that the dream was telling me that when I go back it's going to be okay. And that even though Rob is gone, he'll be looking over us, or that he's in a better place and that he really wants us to enjoy the time we have together. I don't know, but I've been really worried about going back to AR and I feel a lot better now that I had that dream.

I'll try to get something about internal going-ons in the next week or so, I have other things I really need to do. (like write certain people, and clean, and write, and do art, etc)

Quote of the Day:
~“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”~
--Buddha

Thursday evening I came home and unsuccessfully tried to watch Star Wars Ep VI, but after giving up I went to room where I saw I had two text messages. I read them only to find they were from my sister, a friend from AR had passed. His name was Robert, and I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned him before. He was working in Louisiana on an oil rig. He was in an elevator when I pipe swung down and crushed his skull, he was wearing a helmet but it cracked through it.

Robert was an amazing guy, I know everyone says what was best about people after they die, but he really was a great person. He was always smiling, at 21 he had crows feet and laugh wrinkles from his constant grin. He was the kind of person that made you feel silly for being angry or upset over something petty, for he was always happy. He really had a way of lighting up a room. He was strong, gorgeous looking, and had a great personality.

He had been dating a girl name Laken for sometime and they had plans to get married sometime in the upcoming year. His best friend was T.J. and he was good friends with my sister. While I only knew him for 2 months during my stay in AR he really did have a positive impact on me. He was so laid back and happy go lucky, his positive attitude was infectious. He was the first person I met when I went to AR, he had been working on my sister's house with T.J.

Since he died in Louisiana they aren't allowing his body to cross state line without being embalmed, but since his father was an Indian Chief (or something of that nature) he will have to be cremated.

If you are religious, please keep him and his family in your prayers. He was truly a great guy and I hope his soul rests well in a better place. His death may have been tragic, especially only being at the age of 21, barely an adult, but hopefully his death didn't go without reason and someday we will be able to see that reason, whether it be in death or in life.

~no quote~

So wow, I haven't journal since November, and I can't begin to describe how weird that is. I just..I don't need this anymore. I can live without it, not that I don't want it, I just don't need it, you know? I prefer being the reader as of late.

I wasn't going to write today (even though it's on my to-do list)but I was reading AllChokedUp's journal and heard that song be Mr. Jesse Lacey and Kevin Devine(who I secretly love) and felt so freaking inspired.

So yeah, lately I've been insanely busy. When I'm not with friends(?) I'm with Dakota, and when I'm not with him I'm babysitting, when I'm not babysitting I'm trying to get things done, and when I'm not doing that I'm sleeping. So yeah, I've been busy. Christmas drained me in a good way and the weather has gone wacky.

I've been chilling in my living space all day checking things off my to-do list and feeling good about life. Just, when I think about my life this sense of clam just engulfs me and I feel so fucking good. I can't even describe it..it's so blue. Like my memories, but you won't get that, and I don't want you to. Just know that blue is good, and life is good.

The day before yesterday I organized my room completely. I even organized my closet and I realized I have a lot of clothes I don't wear. So, I'm going to see which ones I can make work and the others I'm going to try to donate to charity or give them to someone who needs them more then my closet does.

Hah,I just wrote a poem, haven't done that in years. I actually stumbled across some old poetry of mine the other night and while a lot of it was hit and miss, I was pretty proud of a few of them. I forgot how good it feels just to write small things like that.

So, wow, life has been good, I don't really know where to start? My self esteem issues are at a rock bottom, but I can only go up from here, right? And there's something comforting about that feeling. I have a few friends? even though sometimes it just feels so fake and wrong to me that I just want to hide. I went to church last Sunday and made some great point, I guess. I was just telling what I knew. They were pretty cool, but I felt like such a fake and so wrong. I know they all assumed I was Christian and I'm not sure how'd they feel if they knew I wasn't? Yet, I'm not too sure I care either. I feel good coming home from church, like sunny, but not because of religion, just because all those people are so content with their lives and their god and their belief that it feels good to be around them.

Dakota and I couldn't be better, I don't think. Everything seems to be going right, right now. Not that it will always be that way, I know, but not feels good and blue.

In this video someone yells out 'fuck yeah!' and it feels so painfully beautiful to me. Just the way he yells it with such passion, like he really means it. He doesn't care if he's cursing, he's in the moment. He's there.

Alright, I'm going to start rambling, so let's just pretend I said something coy and beautiful and end it here, okay? Thanks.

Quote of the Day:
~"What we are living with is the result of human choices and it can be changed by making better, wiser choices."
--Robert Redford

Happy late Holidays everyone! Hope you all had a good one and stayed safe!

I think that I am really okay with the past. All of the past, not just parts of it, but the whole thing. I mean, when I really think about I should never be ashamed of my past, for that is what makes me the person I am today. Of course I have my faults and my problems, but altogether I'm pretty happy with the person I am.

Sometimes I, of course, don't feel so okay with myself, but for the most part I am a pretty good person. I think a lot of the time I don't feel adequete enough, but through Dar and Camden I've tried my best to realize it's nonsense.

Last night Dar was over (due to Veteran's Day) and we talked of our pasts (like before we met each other) for about two hours, or seemed that way at least. It was nice too, and I wasn't like 'oh no, I was so wierd then!'  I just talked about it with a shrug, just thinking 'yeah, that was me then, and this is me now.' It was just a really nice feeling. I even opened up to Dar and told him a few things in my past that I never really tell anyone. One of them he could tell it kind of had an impact on me then and affected me throughout my childhood, and he just walked over to me and kissed me on the lips like everything was going to be alright and I knew it would be.

It's just a terribly nice feeling to not only no longer live in the past, but to also feel comfortable with it. I don't honestly remember the last time I felt like this. It's such a relief.

I'm writing again, another non-murder. This one will hopefully be a bit longer. I'm writing in a romanticism stlye. Camden is going to take it after I get so far along and do an alternate ending, I'm terribly excited. I don't have much written yet, but I'll get to it, I just need to get the ball rolling.
Quote of the Day:
~"I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind. "~
--Emily Bronte

I'm currently reading her book Wuthering Heights thanks to Camden. So far it's great. It's due on my mother's birthday.

Do you ever really look around your home or room? I mean really, really look around it. Sit on the floor of your bedroom and just peer up at the walls. It almost feels like you don't live there because you never look at it that way. It's like, by looking at it that way you realize what you take for granted.

Arnol came over Friday, which was cool I suppose. I just really wanted that evening to myself and my mom, but it's okay. I was suppose to go the movies with the girl I went bowling with before. She invited me during gym, and I figured her boyfriend would go along so when she called later I asked if it would be okay if Dar came too. She said she'd have to ask Ky (her boyfriend) and would then call back.

I hadn't asked Dar yet if he wanted to go, for I wasn't sure when we'd go. So, she calls back and says 'well, I don't think so, we don't really know Dar and we just don't want it to be AWKWARD.' then goes on to say Bray is going (her boyfriend's cousin who paid for my bowling last time)

So, I said okay, but texted her and backed out.

It just bothered me so much. When she invited me to hang out with her, I wanted to hang out with her not her, her boyfriend, and his cousin. The last time was whatever and I didn't expect it to be like that everytime. It just feels like they're trying to set me up with Bray. Plus, her boyfriend and his cousin are kind of huge..for lack of a better term, douches.

It just made me so mad that she didn't want it to be awkward. Because I mean, it wasn't awkward or anyhitng for me when I had to not only hang out with her for the first time, but also meet to strangers. Not only that, but I was pretty much stuck with Bray because she's up her boyfriend's arse.

I don't really see myself talking to her much anymore.

I could rant more about Ali, my other female friend, but I think I'll just let that subject be.

Saturday Dar came over and I almost felt like I had to live up to last weekend, which was rather impeccable. It all turned out well though.

At one point I thought I had ruined the whole day.

Death has once again been on my mind a lot lately, and with death comes all these questions. And something about Dar holding me in my kitchen made it all come on at once and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

He held my hand and then guided me to my room where we lay down on my bed and he hushed me and told it would be okay and we spoke softly of the subject at hand and then I was calm.

The stangest part is that I haven't felt panicky or anything, talking about things usually never helps me, but it did.

We asked his mom if he could stay over, again, but she said no, again. She said he's not old enough? So we made muffins and forgot about it. Around 11pm we decided since he couldn't stay we'd just sleep till 12 when he goes home. It was very nice,

He texted me today asking if I had woken him up. I didn't really know what he meant at first, and the he asked if I called his name or shook him anything, and I said yes. Then he said that me doing that made him feel like we lived together, and that he really could picture us lasting that long.

It's nice not feeling like I could lose him at any moment (which I feel that a lot of young relationships feel like that) or that we'll grow apart, since we've stayed friends for so long so easily.

It's just like our personalities fit together. If there's anything we disagree on we just don't bother with it, neither of us will change our minds, so why bother it? I guess it's mostly just nice because we have the same ideals so there's nothing we have to figure out.

A friend of mine is going through a tough time, I really hope I'm able to be there for him. He has been there for me so very much, I just want to return the favor. I also just hope he doesn't feel alone. I don't know if he felt like that to begin with, but I just hope he doesn't ever feel like that. He's just a wonderful person (despite anything he says) I just hope life turns out well for him, he truly deserves it.

Quote of the Day:
~"To be nobody but myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."~
--E.E Cummings

 

This weekend was absolutely wonderful.

Friday was Halloween as you all know, and it was Halloween dress up day at school. So, I wore my Alice costume to school, and everyone liked it, I got a bunch of compliments on it which was nice.

The shoes I was wearing with it kind of killed my feet, and by lunch I was rathet agitatated. The school day seemed to drag on, but during gym (last hour)  I changed into my Pumas, which was soooo nice on my feet.

After school Dakota and I walked to get my haircut. The lady messed it up, and it's the third time I've gotten my hair cut incorrectly. It's okay though, Dakota says it still looks really nice and he couldn't stop touching it so that's a good thing. After my haircut we walked back to my house and fooled around, then we just layed together and talked. We eventually got dressed and I did his makeup for him (he was a vampire) and then we waited on my mom to get home so we could leave.

We went trick or treating, and by time we had our bags half full, my feet and legs were aching (partial thanks to those shoes) so we headed home.  When we got home we made dinner and brownies, then we ate some candy and watched the Nightmare Before Christmas. I fell asleep cuddled up to him and then it was time for him to go. He said later that he had also fallen alseep but woke up before me so I didn't know.

The next day I had been invited to his house for a bonfire. My mom took me over to his house around 2. When I got there we helped his dad with getting the fire and stuff set up. We ate around dusk before guests arrived, and the food was soo good. We went inside when his dad's friends started arriving, and talked to his mom for a while. She went outside and then we curled up on his couch and channel surfed. We watched the Rocky Horror Picture show and ate Halloween Candy. After that was about 3/4s over we went up stairs and fooled around a little, then we played the Wii.

Playing the Wii was so much fun, I hadn't ever played one before, and tennis is so awesome! Dakota just watched for a while since he had to wait for batteries to charge. He said I looked really cute playng because I would get really excited and competitive. We laughed for what seemed like hours and then when we grew tire of playing the wii we sat on the couch in the game room. (otherwise known as the dungeon) His cat Token came in and we pet and laughed about him (hes really cute and fat) then we just cuddled up and talked. Soon, I had to leave, so his mom took me home.

Sunday, Dakota came with me to Kohl's to get a new sweater and some jeans (I got money for my grade card)  After we went to Kohl's we went to Wendy's which was soo yummy. Then we went to a 'pet store' which was locked, and turned out to be the Humane Society anyway.Then we walked down the shopping district to the record store we love. After that we hung out at my house for a while and listened to music.

I wish I could explain the weekend so much more, but it's impossible to show the way it felt through writing.  It was just such a great weekend. It was one of those weekends that you just want to fold up and stick in your pocket to look upon on a rainy day. It was perfect in everyway. I don't think I could get much happier then what I am now, I truly hope life continues on this way.

 Quote of the Day: (first quote on new SM)
"~Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."~
--Martin Luther King Jr. 

This weekend was great. Well, it wasn't fantastic, but it was nice.

We had Friday off so on Thursday Dar came home with me. Even though he wasn't suppose to go anywhere this weekend. Thankfully I found a loop-hole. Thursday wasn't technically the weekend, so his mom decided I won and he could come over. (I love his mom, she's really nice)

We had a nice time, we took a nap (well, he rested) and that was really nice. Then we attempted to make cookies (which turned out horribly because I'm a brownie maker not a cookie maker) but we ate like a fourth of the doe.

Then we made supper, and I almost burnt the house down. haha.

Then we just talked and watched music videos on youtube.

I spent Friday alone, which was okay, I just watched television.

Saturday I was invited to Dar's house to make homemade pizza (his mom invited me) and we ate and then we went outside, the moon was so very bright out in the country and we sat on his porch and just talked.

I told him about everything. I told him about Shae and what really happened in the relationship. Then I told him about being depressed, and I didn't leave anything out.

I told him how I stopped going to school for two weeks during first semester last year, and I told him how I lived in a different world for a while and lost touch with reality. I also told him how I thought about suicide and had a day picked out and then had a nervous break down before I did. I told him so much, and I explained everything, and he understood really well. Then I cried and he held me and told me he loved me.

It was so nice to be able to tell him all that and for him to understand so well. He told me how he was depressed two years ago, and what it was like for him.

Then we laid on his porch and just talked and kissed and made jokes. It was nice. I trust him so much more now.

Sunday I went bowling with a female(first female friend in a long time!) and her boyfriend, and his cousin. It was fun. First we ate and then we were going to go see a movie, but everything was over already, then we went bowling.

I didn't say much, since I was kind of nervous, but they didn't make me feel awkward. It was just a little odd because I could tell this what they do. They go bowling with the three of them, and it's just not something I would do. Not that it's not okay to go bowling, it's just not my ideal night.

Anyway, her boyfriend's cousin paid for my bowling, and I really hope he didn't think that way of me, because I have Dar, and the cousin was nice and all..but I have Dar. Plus, he wouldn't be my type anyway..

They made me feel comfortable though, they asked me how old I was and what grade I was in and such. I could tell they were trying to make me feel included since I was younger then them. It was different, but nice.

We took a country road home which was nice.

Today is Columbus day, so I have no school. I'm probably just going to clean house and sit around. Have a good day everyone.

Quote of the Day:
~"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."~
--Robert Frost

(I'm sorry for the rut in quotes, I hope this one is better.)

I know I'm writing a lot lately, and I think part of me is just writing so I can not think. As if writing down everything will make me forget about it, sadly that's not the case.

I know I talked about this in my last entry, but I'm so afraid of getting older. It's like..we're all in this big race to get to a certain age, to get out of high school and to go to college and to get a job and to start living. But what I don't understand is that while we are all in this big race we are all forgetting to really live.

It's like...we don't feel we truly start living until a certain age or a certain point in our lives, but we are all living right now. Whether you are 10,5,14,24,or even 75 we are all living. It's like...we almost forget that at times.

We forget to just live, and to enjoy the fact that we are living.

I asked Camden last night if he ever felt we were all just letting life slip by and none of us even realize it, and he said lately he increasingly felt that way.

It's finally starting to change colors outside. I bought a few Halloween decorations for my room. I bought these two little buckets and put tiny candles in them and I bought some fake flowers that are orange and deep red, almost maroon.

It's especially hard for me right now because I'm wanting to tell everyone how much they mean to me, but it's so hard for me to. I mean, I don't just want to say it I want to show it. I just want them all to know they are so important to me and without them I would be truly lost, but it's so difficult to convey that.

Autumn always feels kind of melancholy to me, even though it is my favorite season. I think it feels that way because everything is dying and winter is about to come, and winter always seems to close us in.

I don't know how to properly say this, but Autumn is like..a subtle happy sort of melancholy. It's so beautiful but so sad all at once. It's so strange. Everything is so strange lately. I just feel a little lost right now, not how I used to feel. I don't mean that at all. I just feel like I've strayed away from the path I was trying so desperately to stay on. Then again, maybe that path wasn't the right one and that's why I strayed.

I've been having really weird dreams lately and I've started sleep walking again like I did when I was little. Camden said it's usually caused by stress, but I don't feel really stressed lately. Maybe it's from being restless, I don't know, I think I'll ask him if he gets online today or tonight.

I almost want to get gifts for all the people that mean so much to me, but I don't know what I would get them, and some of them I couldn't get gifts for because they don't live near me. And I couldn't really ask for their addresses because it could seem a little weird.

I just don't want to die someday and feel like I didn't ever get to tell the people I truly cherish what they mean to me. I don't know, this has been on my mind for a while.

I've realized that I narrate my life, and it's kind of odd. It doesn't annoy me or anything, but it's still really odd because I don't know anyone else who does that. (except maybe JD but he's not really real..)

I also tend to picture my life as a metaphoric scene. The current scene is me just walking down this dirt road in the middle of the country, each side of the road is lined with trees and they're in full Autumn 'bloom.' There's no destination as to where I'm going and I'm walking very leisurely. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but I'm pretty sure I've always done it. I don't know, maybe I'm just unusual.

Anyway, have a great Friday everyone.

Quote of the Day:
~"I saw old autumn in the misty morn
Stand shadowless like silence, listening
To silence."~
--Thomas Hood

So, from now on I'm not going to worry whether I know the people I quote or not.

I like this quote, the whole silence listening to silence thing kind of reminds me of myself.

Today after school I was sitting in my room and I was just listening to this really pretty piano and thinking about getting a typewriter.

Then for some reason it just popped into my mind how beautiful the world truly is. No matter how much I complain about humanity and things I don't like, it is beautiful.

And I just started crying, crying hard. Tears dripped into my glasses so I took them off. It wasn't a sad painful cry where my eyes sting and I feel over heated. It was just a cool (as in temperature) cry, I cried hard but I didn't sob.

I don't really know how to explain this, but I was just thinking about all these things, like Autumn and music and Charlie and my life and where my life is and who I am and who everyone else is, and I just couldn't hold back the tears.

That doesn't quite explain it properly, but it will due. I don't know if maybe I was just being emotional, but it felt real to me. It was like for a few minutes I realized all this beauty around me and it was just too much to take it. It was overwhelming.

I finally calmed down a little and walked to the bathroom for some tissue to wipe off my face. I caught my reflection in the mirror and for some reason I looked really..old..not like old and shriveled, just older...I don't know if it was the zigzags of mascara smeared on my face or my bloodshot eyes, but I looked older. Then I thought about how I was getting older and sooner than I know I will be out of high school and it frightens me. Like I'm being carried away and I'm trying to claw the wall to escape, but I just can't get a good enough grip to hold on to.

Today in class I thought about the house I grew up in and how there is another girl (a little younger than myself) living in that house, in my house, in my room, and she gets to grow up next to my childhood friend. And this sense of anger and jealousy swept over me.

I also thought about how all this will be a memory someday, and people I know, and maybe even children I have will here about them.

It makes me feel so very odd. It makes me feel almost nostalgic, but not for the past, for the now. Which is a very odd sense. (I'm not sure if there is a proper word for this feeling or not)

It just all seems really surreal to me, that someday we will all be older and go our separate ways. It's just so odd...

I want to make Dar a mixed cd, but I'm not sure if he will really like it, and it seems kind of cheesy to me, but I think that's just my excuse for not making it. I think I might ask him about it. Then again, I might not. Anyway, I should be going.

Take care everyone and don't forget to enjoy the now while it still is. Also, don't forget how beautiful everything and how beautiful you are even if you don't think it, because you are.

Quote of the Day:
~“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”~
--William Allen White

I should have given The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I was finished with it, but I just can't let it go. I just love it.

I used to really like the smiths. Death Cab (early early Death Cab) did a cover of This Charming Man, and it's been stuck in my head for a few days now. I listened to Asleep and it's beautiful, and I know what Sam looks like now.

So...I d/l-ed 8 albums, and I plan to buy one (which is rare for me) I'm just not sure which yet.

I'm sorry I can't let you go Charlie, I just want to hide out in your world, is there room? I won't make a fuss, promise, I just want to watch and listen and understand.

I always draw on my chem papers. Mr. A (who is amazing and his class feels like a movie, which I'll describe later) comments on them.

I made a drawing of flowers and drew and arrow saying they were wallflowers and were the most beautiful of all. Then on the back I wrote on the top "I'm pretty sure I'm a wallflower' then drew an arrow to the bottom and wrote 'and I couldn't be more proud'

He hasn't given me the paper back though, and I'm not sure why...

A girl from school is texting me, and it's so awkward talking to other girls. I wish it wasn't that way.

Dar wears shirts that are a little too big for him (not in like a gangster way ,he's kind of scene, but in much less of a trendy way) I wish he wouldn't. Not that he doesn't look great, it's just he has such a nice body and I don't think he even realizes it.

I'm reading The Perks again. I'm half way through, once I get some money again (I just bought my costume, so I'm broke) I'm going to buy it. The hard cover too, and I'll never let it alone, I'll love it even when I'm old.

I want to share the book with someone, but they won't understand, I just know it.

I wish they would, but they won't. I thought I had more to write, but I'm going to stop.

Also, I have a 4 day weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dar can't go anywhere, but his mom invited me over on Sat. I hope she changes her mind for at least Sunday..

Quote of the Day:
~“A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live”~
--Bertrand Russell
(I don't know who that is, but I like his quote)

PS-ash- I wish I had a nickname for you, I adore the one you gave me.

This is going to be about Dar, so I'm just warning you all.

Dar and I walked home on Friday and as we passed this lady on a bike talking to this man in his yard she turns to us just as we are passing and says, 'You two make a great couple," and didn't even smile or anything. She just looked us dead in the eyes as we passed by and we were both kind of speechless. I found my voice and said thanks.

It was weird because it was just so random. I hadn't ever even seen the lady before in my life, and we hadn't really been talking or anything as we passed we were just holding hands and kind of taking in the autumn air.

We kind of laughed about it later, but not in like a mean way. More like we were laughing because we didn't know how else to go about what she said.

We got to my house and talked to my mom for a bit and then just kind of hung out in my room.

A week or so ago we had this big discussion about being little and eating lunchables and how they were the best thing ever. So when I was at the store I bought two lunchables for us. We had a chicken taco one and a hamburger one. We halved them, and also had some pizza. We sat there eating lunchables in my living space watching the Cash Cab. Then we had some Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

It was so fun, because we weren't worried about anything and we weren't trying to act our age, we were just doing what we wanted.

After we ate we laughed about eating lunchables and sprawled out on the couch and watched Cash Cab some more.

Then I think we just kind of hung out in my room, but I don't quite remember.

Saturday he came over again (as I said in my last entry) When he got here we went to my room and conversed a litte.

Then we tried to watch the movie The Science of Sleep but it's so random it's hard to pay attention. It's one of those movies that really satisfies your eyes but not so much your mind.

Then we had a tickle fight, and he cheated ;] actually, he didn't, but I lost so he cheated.

We were only half way through the movie and decided to just stop it. We fooled around after that and tried something new, but I'm not going to go into detail on that because it feels kind of rude to me.

After that we went on a walk and he skated, I ended up not wanting to skate (my knee has been hurting really badly lately) so I took pictures of him skating. After he was done we went up to the old schools, which is one of my favorite places to go, and sat on the fire escape. I took pictures of him up there, and then he went below the fire escape and I went higher up on it and we played catch with my camera case.

Then I got kind of scared from being so high up and climbed down very slowly.

Right next to the escape is this decent sized tree and it kind of shadows it (half way up the escape you can just pull branches off it it's so close) so we sat at the bottom of it, took some photos of each other and just talked.

It was kind of chilly and there were a lot of bugs out, and as much as we didn't want to go back we eventually started walking home.

After we got home we helped my stepfather clean up (he was home for the weekend) and then he left and we went back in the house. We fooled around some more and then just kind of laid around.

After awhile we made some of my awesome homemade brownies (he didn't believe they were really from scratch) and then decided to make chicken Parmesan for supper. My parents were eating across the street at the neighbor's cookout.

As we waited for the chicken to cook we went in the living space and watch the food channel (since we were hungry)

We ate our meal, which turned out really well and had some brownies.

Then we watched Frailty, which is about murder by God's hand. It was really good.

After it was over we just laid together and pretended like we were sleeping over.

He was laying on his back and I was on my side I was caressing his cheek and slowly he started to nod off, which is this first time he's ever done that.

Laying there in the dark with him felt so safe and wonderful. It felt small too, because I thought of all the things out in the world I could be doing and all I wanted to do was lay there.

Eventually my mom said it was time for him to go home, which it was but I wish it hadn't been.

He can't come over next weekened because he's gone so much. Which I think is kind of silly, he's only ever gone on Friday and Saturday. We never hang out on Sunday, and he doesn't go anywhere throughout the week.

Oh well I guess. We hung out on Thursday too, I didn't mention that before. We went to the record store and the owner talked to me and him. He ordered like..8 records and I bought some incense.

Ric, the owner of the record store, talked to me about Dar. He asked if I was keeping him out of trouble and winked at me, and then we talked about school and stuff.

Dar doesn't think anyone in the record store really knows his name, but Ric said it to me and I told him that and I could tell it made him feel nice even though he'd never say that.

Well, that's all for now, I know that was really long, I just wanted to save those days.

Quote of the Day:
~“Happiness consists not in having much, but in being content with little.”~
--Marguerite Gardiner

It's Saturday, but I feel like writing. I wrote all this stuff down in English class, but now I don't feel like typing it all up. So, maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

On Thursday I wore the navy sweater to school. I wasn't sure if Dar would really like it or not, but he did. He said I looked really nice, and then he said something like how I always look nice but on that particular day I looked really vibrant.

It made me feel really nice, and lately I've noticed more when he calls me beautiful and makes my stomach flip, and not just because he makes me feel good, but because for the first time in a very long time I am really starting to feel beautiful.

He also says that it's really nice that I don't have to wear showy shirts and look like a slut in order to look nice. That made me feel really nice, because I never really expected he would say that.

He's coming over in a bit and he's going to teach me to skate some more, and we're going to watch some movies. It will be nice.

I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower in two days. It's wonderful, really.

Two separate people I know told me I was a lot like Charlie, and come to find out, they are right. Many of his letters are almost exactly like some of my entries.

I finished the book when Dar was over last night (he was looking at band stuff on my laptop) and when I did I told him it was amazing and he asked what it was about and how it ended, so I told him. His reaction kind of surprised me, he said the book sounded really sad. Which I guess in the end, it really was, but it was sad in an optimistic way.

The book kind of arose a few question in myself. I'm kind of wondering if I'm 'participating' in life. Part of me says I'm not.

Yet, at the same time, it depends on what you consider participating. I think perhaps Bill wants Charlie to do normal things, like dances and such, but to Charlie those things aren't normal.

Which, I guess to me, it's the same. So in the end I have no answer, just a question that has no answer. That's how a lot of things are.

I flipped out on my English class yesterday, and before that on this kid in my Chem class. I also got to listen to this dumb bitch complain about Obama being a 'towel head' and listened to her being racist in an indirect way.

It's funny, because she started reading a bible afterward, and Obama is a Christian..haha.

Also, she draws in her bible, how disrespectful. haha.l I hate people.

Oh, she also didn't give any reasoning whatsoever as to why McCain should be prez, which just added to her stupidity.

So basically, I kept snapping on people yesterday. I snapped on Jon (the kid in chem) because he wouldn't shut the fuck up and kept arguing with Ali about music. (which of course she had to argue back)

So I leaned forward looked him in the eyes and said something like 'No more, No more talking, No more questions, No more music, No more arguing, shut the hell up, go it?' He just kind of looked at me and Ali started laughing so I shot her a look, because she was part of the problem too.

Then, in English we had the write on these big pieces of paper and Mic brought over an extra on accident and threw to my group (Ali and me) so Ali makes a big deal and keeps giving back to him and he keeps giving back to her. So I ripped the paper from his hands marched over to the place where the extras were suppose to go slammed it down muttered something about dumb people (which is where Mrs. D says 'uh-oh') Turn to face them, throw my hands in the air and say in a raised voice 'Wow! That was so difficult, I am so very tired, I'm going to go take a nap now' and they all just kind of stared at me and no one spoke for a long time.

I hate snapping like that, but god damn, is any of that really needed? They're all so very petty, and they talk and talk and talk, and then they yell and yell, and it's never quiet, and I just want some quiet.

I feel really tired lately, like I just want to run away from school and hang out all day walking around town, where it's quiet. I've been cutting down on my escapism, and I think that may be a reason I'm feeling so snappy.

I think I'm going to try and read Slaughter-house Five next. I have a lot of things I want to read. I wish I could just pause time. I also wish I could fast forward it. I also want to read Peter Pan.

I have so many books I want to read =\.

Time just feels like this big hourglass and it just keeps running out of sand, and I'm just sitting there watching it helplessly.

This is getting pessimistic and I'm hungry.

Quote of the Day:
~"You may delay, but time will not."~
--Benjamin Franklin

I took the day off of school, eve though I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that in a different entry.

Mom and I spent the day running about town. First to the mart, then to wal-mart, then to kohl's, ad finally to cut my hair.

The perfume that I have has been discontinued. Gr. I'm really picky about perfumes, so this is kind of annoying. I found one really similar, but it's three times as much.

Mom bought me a thick knee length knit sweater for the winter. It buttons up and has a tie on the waste. I really like it, all though it's kind of heavy. I also got this cute halter top with a great design on it for $4!

Then I got a sweater I've longed for. I'll find a photo. It's one that has the huge necks on it that scoop down, and it's navy. It looks really smashing on me. Mom said next time we go back I should get a few more like it. I think my sense of style is finally taking a definite shape.

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/juniors/sweaters/PRD~352014/Its+Our+Time+Ribbed+Cowlneck+Sweater.jsp

^ that's the sweater I got. I really love it.

I hadn't missed any school before today, but who am I kidding? I'll never have perfect attendance, I'm much too sickly.

I got my hair cut like a china doll. It's just not as short. I think it look really nice. I really like myself better with short hair, I think it makes me look much more mature.

Dar doesn't get to see my hair until tomorrow, I know he is excited.

So, my day was wonderful, I love spending time with my mother. It's so ice when we get on well.

Now, I'm just relaxing and watching some cartoon set in medieval times.

See you Sunday

Quote of the Day
~"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time."
--Anna Freud

People can't reply to your posts. That should be coming in the future though. Hope that helps.

I just wanted to watch television..

Nothing was on. I wanted to watch one of those sappy-funny sitcoms. Like Still Standing or Grounded for Life. Or eve one of those shitty ABC Family films.

So I'm watching this designer lady named like Rachel Zoe or something. I like her bitchy assistant. =]

I don't want television often, but when I do I usually watch shit television.

I started writing this over an hour ago. Haha. I got caught up in talking to my mummy before she shipped off for work.

Wednesday we're going to get our hair done. It's not that I love to get my hair done, and that I like that sort of thing. I just like doing things like that with my mom, since we don't have a great deal in common. We'll probably go out to lunch together too.

I spent the weekend with Dar. We were only suppose to spend Saturday together, but Bren blew him off on Friday (again)

He was just going to change plans for Halloween and go with Bren, which kind of irked me.

Then Bren blew him off, and I asked if we could just go together, since we had had these plans for like 2 months. I'm buying a costume, it's our favorite holiday, I want to spend it with Dar.

So, I finally spoke up (after keeping it all in for two days) and he says, 'I'll check with Bren' and I was just kind of awe struck. Why does he have to 'check' with Bren. Bren's blown him off twice now. So I said that, and I think it kind of clicked in his mind. He's like me =\ he let's people screw him over.

He asked why I hadn't spoken up, but I just didn't want to sound like a controlling bitch. It wasn't that I didn't want him to hang out with Bren, just not on that particular holiday..

Anyway, it all worked out for the best. Bren ended up calling him on Saturday evening asking if Dar could go see his band, and that Bren would pick him and me up and everything. Dar said no, I could tell he was kind of pissed off at Bren. Which he had every right to be, Bren still hasn't even told him why he ditched.

I have an A in my Informal Algebra II class! I'm proud, even if it is a slower class. I'm also pulling an A in my advanced English II.

Hm, I thought I had more to write about, but I guess not. I think I'm going to go channel surf and eat left over chinese (yum yum)

Take care.

Quote of the Day:
~"The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected."~
-- Kurt Vonnegut

PS- The Perks of being a Wallflower is on its way for me! I can't wait =]

I just got done fighting over a bowl of rice with my kitten at my kitchen table. She's such a rascal/porker.

Dar calls her stomach 'the tank' because she's getting rather chunky. haha.

I don't really have much to talk about this afternoon. I've been listening to Playradioplay! Dar and I listened to boats of music last night.

He's kind of into MCR and the guitarist, Frank Iero has this band called Leathermouth. I honestly thought it would be complete shit, but it's really good. It's a post-hardcore band, and listening to it you would never guess the lead man is in my chem.

Last night We were lying on my bed and my lap top was on the end of it and Dar was picking music. The song we were listening to (By Starlight- Smashing Pumpkins (lovely song)) was over, and he picks a new one. At first I didn't recognize it, but then I realized it was Sunny Day Real Estate. He apparently is fond of them now that I've shown them to him. Which is just stellar.

Well, PrP! is over, and now it's on to The Postal Service, which frankly, I haven't listened to in ages.

So, the other day Camden showed me a band, which had a bunch of other bands on it's page. I'm so happy! New music is always fun. Astrophel & Stella were the band, and then from their page morning..., Lights Above Us, and Arrows in Her were found. I also stumbled upon this guy's project Lightspeed Champion. It's ace!

Lightspeed Champion sounds like something that could definitely be trendy, but it's so cool. It's kind of pop-punky, and the guy is so cool (well, his blog is anyway)

(haha I thought my phone was going off because the song playing is my ringtone...lol)

I've realized Dar is a bit like Holden Caulfield, only doesn't curse so much, and isn't so extremely down all the time.

I may go over the similarities another day. Anyway, I've also found I'm a bit like Holden.

I think about phonies a lot. For instance, my driving instructor's husband(my old principal) is a total phony. They were just wed a few months ago, and I was just thinking of what kind of husband he would make, and how he would act on a honey moon. What a phony..

Oh! Frank also used to be in this band Pencey Prep, where he just sings instead of screaming, it kind of sucks, but the name is awesome. Dar showed it to me and I got rather excited then had to explain the meaning of the name to him. =P

Well, I need to read postsecret.

Allchokedup & easy-lucky-free - good luck with the boyfriend troubles.

Quote of the Day:
~“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”~
--Stephen Wright

(this is me exactly)

Written eaerlier today:

I came to the realization today that this is the point in my life when childhood is completly gone. I'm sitting in Study Hall as I write this in my agenda, and it seemed to have suddenly hit me. I've always felt older that my age group, and took pride in being more mature. Yet, at the same time I clung to my past as if it were the only thing I had.

I've finally let go of the past, and I mean it when I say it. I began to realize it last night as I talked to Dar on the phone. However, I think what pushed me to the realization is all this talk of the festival.

You see, they got rid of the tallest, fastest ride (the only one most kids my age ride) and everyone is rather pissed about it. As they spoke in angry voices of the news, I thought of the ride. I thought of when I rode it, and I realized I'm past that. And not because I'm too cool for it or anything, but just because it seems kind of silly. As they spoke I realized the fair itself was no longer important to me.

I'm looking towards the future a lot, but not in that longing way that I used to. Now, I'm preparing in a positive way for it. I'm trying in my classes for once, and I'm doing extremely well. I know a lot of things will change before I reach adulthood, but I'm ready. I feel in these past few months I have grown so much, and I know I still have plenty of room to grow and improve. I know I will always be growing and improving, but I'm happy with who I am, and I am in life. I no longer want to cling to my past as a security blanket. I'm happy now.
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I wrote a story yesterday afternoon. It was the first story I've completed in months (not counting ones for school). Not only that, but it was the first non-murder/death story I've ever completed.

Also, I found a good amount of new music, check out Astrophel and Stella if you have time. They're ace. They kind of sound like Brand New to me.

Quote of the Day:
~"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."~
--Walt Disney

I need to do my Chem. gr.

It is raining out, but it's not the kind of rain that makes you want to sit outside and take it all in. It's more of the kind that makes you want to shut the curtains and snuggles into a mountain of blankets and just does all day to the sound of raindrops on your window.

So, I'm having to wear gloves because my hands are so cold that the joints of my fingers actually ache. However, I can't type or use the mouse (I have a laptop) with the gloves, so I cut holes in the very tips of them so my finger tips barely show. They look silly and it kind of feels like I have bear paws as I'm typing this, but I'm home alone, so oh well.

Yesterday and the day before I spent with Dar. We went to his house Friday and then he came over Saturday. It was lovely as always. On Saturday I accidentally left a mark on his neck.. apparently he bruises really easily, I feel awful. I think hickies are trashy, and I'm just wondering what his parents will think. :S

I had him watch Donnie Darko yesterday. He didn't really get it until I explained it to him. Which, it is a confusing movie after all. He got most of it though, I think the ending just went a little quick for him to grasp it. He said he liked it though, which is a huge plus.

[my hands are warming a little, hurrah!]

So, I'm listening to Nick, and I kind of thought it wouldn't be as nice because it's all rainy an whatnot, but it's still grand.

I really love the song 'Time Has Told Me'

When I first got on the site, Easy-Lucky-Free's journal was up, which I usually read on Sunday's, so I read it. Then as I read that, AllChokedUp's journal was on, which I also read. So I read two of my favorite journal's in a row, it was kind of nice.

So I basically just want to drone on about Dar some more, but I probably shouldn't. I may some other time. Anyway, I'm off to read Post Secret.

[there's a storm coming]

Quote of the Day:
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."
--Lao Tzu

Note to self: I need some of the gloves that have the fingers cut off already, but have the mitten-flap to put over them.

Sunday Afternoon Music: Belle & Sebastian

It's not yet afternoon, but that's who I'll be listening to once it is. It's 9:44am and to me afternoon begins around 11.

I think I'm going to watch Garden State in a bit. I really love that movie, so does Dar, we quote it a lot.

We're both a little crazy, and it's okay; I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yesterday I talked to Camden of happiness, and how I didn't know what makes me happy. Then that very day I spent it with Dar, and while I didn't have that excited happiness (like when you get a new cd or necklace) I realized just looking at him that if life when on like this forever, then I would be content.

I always seem to be looking for the wrong thing. I was searching for that excited-happy, but I was looking for it to be permanent. I know now that is not a permanent emotion, and the happiness I felt last night was much more deep than that.

I'm saving up to get my Alice in Wonderland costume for Halloween. I'm terribly excited for it. Not just the costume but Halloween altogether.

Sean is going to dress up like a girl. He came up to me on Thursday and says, 'Kat, I need to ask you something' I say okay, and he says 'well, you dress pretty nicely and for Halloween I want to be a chick, so could I borrow some of your clothes, I think we're about the same size' I agreed and then laughed imagining Sean in my clothes.

It should be great fun, that Holiday always is.

Autumn is here. I am so happy, autumn is beautiful I love it.

So, I'm thinking I'm going to try and write every Sunday morning/arvo.

I have blue curtains, so I open up the blind and let the curtain hang down so there's a blue light in my room, I like it that way, in the morning at least.

I also like to read journal's on Sunday mornings, and I like to read the new post secret's.

I like to plan ahead on Sunday's too, so there's no worry. This afternoon, I'm going to eat a cup of noodles, have a bottles of water, listen to Belle & Sebastian, and surf ebay to find weird things I plan to buy eventually.

I think Sunday has become my favorite day of the week.

Quote of the Day:
"Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."
-- Lao Tzu

I miss arkansas, but I know already that next summer won't be the same. There's been a lot of things that have happened since I left. And it seems just about everyone but Gur has fallen. Fro is now dating Amy..which is bad, because Amy was dating Dougie and Fro didn't even wait a week to start dating her. Which is a major no-no. It's BS, Dougie is a great guy, and doesn't deserve that at all. Fro's done this to several other people too. (stealing girlfriends)

Then there's Rus and Lil. Rus is crazy in love with Lil, and Lil doesn't love him back. Everyone thinks he just wants in her pants, but he came out and told Lil he loved her. Then bought her a pair of real nice shoes with money he doesn't have and told her to lie to the House and say her mom got them for her.

TJ and my sister have had a fall out because of my sister's new boyfriend. TJ feels abandoned, but Tas can't help it really. Her new boyfriend is like her drinkin' buddy, and TJ isn't much of a drinker. Plus, so much drama is happening Tas is just trying to stay to the side lines, and TJ doesn't understand. Plus, I'm about 85% TJ loves my sister more than she could ever know, but don't tell her that. :x

Now, the electricity has been shut off at the House, and everyone has had to fend for themselves elsewhere. I knew it would happen, I just didn't want to think about it. My sister already said she doubts we'll spend as much time there as we did. Which honestly...is okay with me..

Fro's real colors came out, and he to me is a just another asshole Virgo. Rus, as much as I love the guy, will be impossible to look at the same. Lil, I never connected that much with anyway. TJ, my swimming buddy, will visit me I know.

So really, I just want to see Gur, cause he's simple and wonderful. Of course I'll miss the House...but I'm embracing changes in my life, and this is just another one. I have my memories there, and even if I did go back and everything was peachy, it will still be different. Only in a much worse sort of way..it would be an awkward thick-aired way, where I no longer know what to do, cause I know whats gone on.

I'll see them all again someday, just not the way it was.

Plus, I think I'm okay with changes, and I'm okay with not going back. I don't have the need to run in the past. I'm happy with where my life is. I'm comfortable, I know who I am and where I stand, and most importantly; I'm happy.

I'm actually very happy with where my life is right this moment. I just cut my hair the way I've longed for, I go to shows every weekend, I get my school work done, I have a wonderful beau, and just the overall feel of my life is good.

Next summer I won't be there as long anyway. My mom will be going along. I hope she doesn't impose on Tas and I.

Also, I've been thinking about drugs. I promised Dar I wouldn't do any, and I also promised Kins...

Kins is back in my life again. It's nice. It's nice to have his advice and company again, but I don't feel like I need it. It's a comfortable sort of friendship. I added him, and we've talked a few times since. It's nice really, he's happy, I'm happy, we share our moments and advice, it's wonderful.

I doubt anyone even remembers him..or has read my journal that long =P oh well.

Quote of the Day:
~“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us”~
--Oscar Wilde

Sunday Morning Music: Nick Drake

Nick is amazing. He's so calm, his lyrics are so smooth and meaningful. This amazing voice that almost whispers when it sings is flowing through my speakers.

He's a perfect Sunday Morning musician. He doesn't make your mind race, nor does he make you sleepy. It's just this perfect calm music, that just sort of makes you feel content.

Really, check him out. I personally recommend the album Pink Moon, or the song Pink Moon if you don't want to hear a whole album.

I woke up at 8am, and took a shower. Then I brushed my teeth, took my meds, made my bed, and poured myself a nice cup of coffee.

Now I'm just sitting on my bed, propped up against a wall of pillows, listening to the even flow of Nick.

I opened my blinds to let all the natural sunlight pour in. Even though Sunday means school is tomorrow, and I'll soon be going through another week of school work and slow days, I like it.

Sunday just feels like this easy day, where you get your chores done, or finish up that assignment. It's like a wrap-up day if that makes sense. Even when I went to Church with my grandparents, I still like Sunday.

Sundays aren't crazy busy like Saturdays, their not excited like Fridays, or painfully slow like Mondays. They don't feel like a mid-point Wednesday, they don't feel like a waiting day Thursday, or a dreary day like Tuesday. They have this slow feeling that makes you just want to lie around and drink coffee.

Perhaps I'm just in a good mood. =]

Anyway, if you ever feel like just having a lazy day Sunday morning, listen to Nick.

(I didn't realize this until now, but he even has a song called Sunday, hehe how wonderful)

I wanted to talk about the Sun today, but I'm in too light of a mood to get into one of those deep thinking conversations. (conversations..with who? myself..hehe)

By god, I don't think I've ever really listened to Sunday, and wow..it has no lyrics, but it perfectly describes Sundays. I love coincidences like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfhlL4ONlbc

Dar came over last night. He was suppose to hang out with Bren, but Bren never called him, so I asked if he wanted to come over. It was nice.

I love after we get done messing around. Don't get me wrong, I love messing around too. But afterward, we usually just listen to music and I rest my head on his shoulder. Plus, I love the after-kisses (that's what I'm dubbing them until I think of a better name) their so soft and sweet.

I'm becoming a total lush. haha.

Quote of the Day:
~“Sunday is the golden clasp that binds together the volume of the week”~
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(I'm sorry that was so long. I just feel like writing.)

This is going to be really long. It's all about Dar and myself, just warning everyone now. I was going to put it in Danish, but the translation was way off. Same with the other 5 languages I tried. So here it is, in plain English.

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He came over after school on Friday. My parents were out of town for the weekend, he walked me home. We got to my house and milled around for awhile, just talking. We eventually made it to my room where we put some music on and sat down on my bed. After so long he asked if he could kiss me and I of course said yes. We kissed and made out for a while, and then went into the living space where we just talked.

He had been arguing with me that he would not like green tea, so I made him some. He of course liked it, he even said he preferred it over regular tea. After that we continued to talk for awhile and eventually started kissing again. He says the most beautiful things to me, perhaps to some they are cheesy, but not to me. We are kissing and he looks into my eyes as if he has something he wants to say and I ask him if there is. He leans down and kisses me and then says in that weak whisper, "I'm saying it now."

I led his hand up my shirt and we continued to make out. We went on like that for maybe 30 minutes, I had thought of leading his hand downward, but to my surprise he took the initiative and did it on his own. In the heat of the moment I proposed the idea of sex. He didn't say anything and continued to kiss me. Later I said it again, and he whispered asking if I had a condom. I went and got one, once I got back I asked him if he was ready, I asked to the point of being absurd, but I didn't want to pressure him, or for him to live in regret of not waiting.

It wasn't awkward at all, there was no nervous tension or anxiety in the air. It felt like we were meant to be doing this. It felt natural and it felt right.

It wasn't quick either, like we both expected. It was raw and passionate, it was sensual and lustful, it was everything you could imagine with the thought of sex and love mingling together.

Afterward we lay together and kissed each others necks and shoulders. We eventually dressed, I brushed my hair out, and we got some water. We laid down on my bed again, me resting on his shoulder, I dosed off and he woke me up. He told me he had to be leaving soon, he had been at my house for almost 4hours and he had to walk to his friend's house. We had about 30 minutes to be together. We laid there and just played with each others fingers and talked in hushed whispers, exchanging "I love you's"

I knew it was soon, but it felt right. My parents were gone, we had no worries, it felt like a perfect time. I asked him afterward if he was happy we did and in reply he kissed my forehead and said "Anything I do with you I am happy with"

He had to go after that, we discussed him staying the night with me, but he was already obligated to go to his friend's. We went to the door and he linger around as if not wanting to leave, but knowing he had and kissed me tenderly with a final "I love you" and a smile he left.


The next day my parents were still out of town but he couldn't get a ride over, until Arnol woke up. Arnol and he came over before we went to the show. We had great fun laughing and messing about. Arnol entertained us for about an hour and a half, then left Dar and myself in my room. We didn't really want to go to show, for obvious reasons, but then he says to me. "It doesn't matter, I'm happy just sitting here doing nothing with you, I can wait for all that another time"

We went to the show after hunting down a ride. Once we got there Dar and I went off by ourselves like the last time. We walked around by the railroad tracks and watched two trains pass by. Then we went back to the stair case where we had been sitting when we shared our first kiss. We talked there and kissed each other a little, but not often.

We soon grew tired of sitting there and walked around. We made it to a car wash where we saw a huge spider, in fear yanked his arm back. He smiled asking if I was scared. I of course, said no, and then he tickled me. He's always tickling me, come to find out he's rather ticklish too. I tickled him back and we had sort of a "tickle battle"

We chased one another around, tickling each other's sides and at points we would be laughing and giggling and he would just kiss me, with that wonderful smile still on his lips. It was so much fun, just playing about beneath the street lights.

Then a woman in a car got our attention and told us a van had just mauled some people at the high school (not far from where we were) so we took off for the venue.

We got there and people went to check it out, once the coast was clear, we went to check it out on foot ourselves. We got there and then as we were walking back we were discussing how tired we were. We came across a very smooth asphalt lot with a willow tree next to a doctor's office. We laid down under the willow and just looked up at the stars, we weren't talking much, and I seemed to have dosed off, as usual. He woke me and asked if I had fallen asleep, in response I kissed him. We kissed for a while, and then realized the time and decided we should head back.

We got there and Arnol's dad soon arrived, on the way home I kept nodding off and at one point in time Dar scooched over next to me and rest my head upon his shoulder. We got to my house, and I sleepily went in.

Jeg beder til dette aldrig ender. Jeg er sו glad.

For some reason I'm feel anxious all of the sudden. All day I felt anxious and just off beat. I even meditated three times.

I hung out with Dar, Bren, and Arnol, but had to return home after like 45mins because my mom was freaking out. Maybe it was just driving with a teenage male at the wheel, but I couldn't seem to stop my nervous habits from kicking in.

Dar noticed and tried to make me stop. Which was kind of nice, I guess. Not because I'm like dying for him to notice weird things about me, but because he wanted me to just be calm. He knows how anxious I am and how I'm trying my hardest to calm my ways.

I'm suppose to learn how to skateboard, not like hardcore skating..but being able to like move and stop and go fast. Hah, I'm scared to even get on a skateboard. I purposely wear flip-flops to the shows so Dar nor Bren can teach me. I told Dar if ever I come to his home, he can teach me. The deal was he'd have to read Alice in Wonderland, but I decided not to make him, he hates reading, so yeah.

Anyway, I'm anxious all the sudden. Yet at the same time I'm so incredibly tired. Right now, I could go lay down and probably pass out. But as soon as I need to go to sleep I'll be wide awake.

I also keep waking up 3:14am. Which is really starting to annoy me. The exact time every night my body feels the need to wake itself. Once I wake I feel energized and like I'm ready to start my day.

I don't know. I guess I'm just a little disappointed. I thought meditating and stuff would make me like, calm and chill, and solve my restless sleeps.

I mean, I'm not giving up on meditation, but it's a little disheartening. Plus, the last time I went to Ali's (4 days ago, I think) she kept pointing out like how I'm slightly OCD (which I'm not, at all.) and how I look tense and nervous all the time. Which I thought I had worked on and improved.

There's a whole list in my mind of things I need to do, I'm taking them one step at a time. I kind of want to write the list out, but part of me feels like writing it out would give into my temptations and make me feel low every time I read over it. Does that even make sense? haha..

I painted today. Well, I started a painting. It's going to be of a portion of a tree, like the top left side of it. It will be an autumn tree. So far I have to background (which is just blue) and the tree's branches.

I bought a new shade of blue today. So if and when I put it on canvas I can use a brighter shade. I'm taking a walk with my mom at 9 (its 8:39) but I really just feel like laying on my bed and passing out. I think I might lay down, just a few minutes though.

Quote of the Day:
~"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."~
--Oscar Wilde

I think one of the things that scares me about death is forever. I just read a friend's journal and he spoke of forever. Not in the light I'm thinking, but just forever.

Infinity...

I mean, I want heaven and fun and happy times and all...but heaven would just be like an extremely wonderful version of life..forever. There's no end.

I fear ends too. I don't know, my thoughts are a tangled webbed of questions right now.

I wish I had faith in something. Truly, I do. Spending so much time with my grandparents and at church made me want to believe, but I just..I don't know I simply can't.. It's just, I don't know what it is. It's absurd, that's what it is. All of it is.

This is getting negative.

I don't think I've really clarified this, but I've been dating Dar. It was weird at first, and I didn't know what to do with myself really. But now everything is..it's wonderful, it's beautiful.

It feels right, it feels great, like a movie. As silly as this sounds..I can't bear to put the next bit in English, so I'm going to type in Danish, sorry.


I gוr aftes, vi delte vores fרrste kys. Hans fרrste kys alle sammen. Det var forblרffende, ikke pו grund af den handling, men kun pו grund af ham. Af at vזre sammen med ham. Jeg har ingen reelle mוde at beskrive, min tרrre ord er til nogen nytte.

Vi var at kysse og han slזber afsted med sin hוnd let rרrer min nederste lזbe og siger, "jeg har ventet sו lזnge pו denne" og jeg indsו bare hvor lזnge han har ventet, og hvor lang tid jeg har. Ja, jeg har lזngtes for ham, sו meget som jeg ikke רnsker at indrרmme. Vi har vזret igennem flirte faser og forelskelse, han er min bedste ven .. men sו meget mere pו samme tid. Jeg har kendt ham i tre וr, har vi רnsket hinanden i mindst to.

I hvert fald havde vi fוet at kysse og jeg havde mit hoved hviler pו hans skulder med hans arme omkring mig og han siger til mig i en svag hvisken, "jeg fortalte dig, at jeg elskede dig sו, og jeg mente det, jeg gרr nu alt for" Han havde fortalt mig mere end et וr siden, han elskede mig.

Det var forblרffende. Det fרlte vidunderligt. Denne eftermiddag havde jeg vזret fortזller en ven, hvordan jeg mente om ham, og hvordan det fרlte nזsten for hurtigt men det var frygtelig svזrt at skjule.

Alt var fantastisk i gוr aftes. Jeg interesserer os for ham sו meget. Jeg elsker at se ham lykkelig, og jeg elsker at gרre ham glad. Og ikke kun fordi jeg רnsker hans kזrlighed, men fordi han fortjener at vזre lykkelig, og det gרr mig godt, nוr han er. Og det faktum, at jeg gרr ham lykkelig drev mig vanvittigt.

Jeg ved ikke, hvordan flere til at beskrive dette. Jeg ved, du vil sige dette er blot teenage-kזrlighed, og זrligt jeg ikke pleje. Jeg ved, det er ikke forelskelse teenagealderen bullshit. Jeg vil gרre noget for denne dreng, og jeg vil give mit liv for at sikre, at han var sikker og glad. Ja, det lyder klichי. Ja, det lyder fjollet. Og ved du hvad? Jeg er ligeglad! Lad det. Fordi jeg er virkelig tilfreds, og jeg ved, at dette er reel.

Jeg har lזst en vens dagbog, og ofte er han taler om kזrlighed. Fרr, nוr jeg lזser det jeg fattet, hvad han sagde, men ikke hvad han egentlig mente. Nu vil jeg gרre. Jeg ville רnske, jeg kunne udtrykke mine fרlelser om kזrlighed som han gרr, men jeg kan ikke. Og virkelig, at spרrgsmוl ikke, fordi der i mindst Jeg forstוr og ved, hvad han mener.



http://translate.google.com/translate_t?sl=da&tl=en

Use that for proper translation.

I'm sorry that was so long.

Quote of the Day:
~“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”~
--Dr. Seuss

I'm trying to go about things with a very happy-go-lucky attitutde. I've refrained from listening to depressing music or thinking depressing thoughts. I've been meditating in the afternoons. I do what I think will make me happy, in the moment, and in the future. Trying to find that balance between the rat racers and the hedonists.

If I don't want to answer someone's call who will end up bringing me down, I don't. However, I don't go about doing only things I like, I do some things I don't particularly care for because I know I should.

Meditating is helping a lot. It's really calming. I really suggest it for anyone who is stressed or gets easily stressed/anxious like I tend to do.

I'm doing things at my own pace. I guess really, I'm just moving towards what works for me. Awhile back someone told me to move towards what makes me happy. To move towards happiness. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. Move towards Happiness, and right now, it seems to be working.

I know things won't always feel this way, and I will indeed have my bad days, and my bad times, but I'll work through them. I'm a much stronger person that what I used to be. I trust in myself to be able to work passed what is thrown at me.

School starts up in a couple weeks. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I have two classes with Dar, so that's nice. One of them is informal algebra II which isn't really a good thing. We decided it would be best to talk to each other as little as possible in that class. (we're both bad at math)

The other one is history though, so that will be fun. I didn't get to take Painting and Print Making, turns out it's a 2nd semester class only, and I know I'm taking ceramics I. I could give up my study hall, but I'm not sure. If school proves to be easier this year, and I'm able to keep more on ball, I might take it. I wish I could just opt out of gym, it's such a pointless class. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell on it.


Someone shared a Bob Dylan album with me. I love it! I've always wanted to get into Dylan, but was never sure what I should listen to first and put it off.

Quote of the Day:
~"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."~
-Dr. Seuss

(I just watched The Lorax, my favorite Dr. Seuss tale)

I'm home now. I miss it there already, but I'm looking on the sunny side. What more can I do? I'm working on being happy, yet every atom in my body wants to cry and pretend I'm still in Arkansas.

Everything will work itself out though. I'll return. My mother is thinking of surprising my sister in Feb. with a visit. That will be really nice if it goes through.

Leaving was very hard. I would like to sit here and say I was a total hard ass and didn't tear up once, but I did.

I teared up when leaving The Group. We had gone night swimming. As I walked away Rus said 'learn from this' I turned to him and said I already had he said 'really?' I replied, 'You have no idea.'

Fre gave me the picture, it's really neat. I'll hang it up once I finish redecorating my room. (my mother did it like 3/4 of the way)

Fre, Amy, nameless boy, and myself were out kind of far when my sister yelled for me to leave. I gave Fre a hug and thanked them, I would have hugged amy but really didn't want to tear up in front of them. I went to shore, gave Rus and Gar hugs, Lil wasn't around, I never said goodbye to her.

I'll miss those crazy kids. I really did enjoy the time I spent there. I teared up in the car, but choked it down.

Once at my sister's house I teared up, we were watching donnie darko..haha...

TJ took off work early to come see me before I left. I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. I looked in to his eyes and I saw they were blood shot and he himself had tears swelled up. I really couldn't believe it.

My sister and I cried of course, she told me to be strong and never let anyone tell me otherwise, I'm not sure why she said that. I told her I'd be back and TJ in a choked voice smiled and said, ''she has to come back, she owes me another necklace''

Even if I were to never see any of The House again, I never will forget them, or forget what I've learned.

They've made a sort of difference in my life, something I couldn't really convey in words.

The closest thing to my feelings I can say is they make me feel like it's okay to be the person I am. Not only is it okay, it's awesome. I've never felt such a sense of belonging. Words seem so dry compared to how I feel.

Arnol came over with my mom to meet me. That was nice..he made the ride home go by more quickly.

I secretly saw my father. (secret as in my mother doesn't know)

It was great. We reminisced and he gave me a pocket knife for protection. He wouldn't give me a butterfly knife though, I'll get one eventually.

We were walking from my uncle's house (two houses down from his own) and I was saying how I remember racing him between the light poles. he asked if I wanted to race and I said ''no...not really' he said 'ah, come on' i got a few paces ahead of him and said 'okay!' and took off. That's a defiantly one of those memories I will keep on file.

I'm listening to Brand New. I hadn't heard them all summer until Fre came home (to The House) one night with burnt cds and had them on it..

I'll be back though, I know it.

Quote of the Day:
~"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."~
--Dr. Seuss

my cat is mad at me.

I really really really don't want to leave



eight more days of paradise...let's make it last, okay kiddo?

7/19
Life seems to be making sense now. Last night was amazing. If I thought I was going to miss it here before, I was mistaken. I'm going to miss it here so terribly. I don't ever want this summer to end. Last night everyone except me in The House (Rus's house) rolled. We all went out to this clearing in the woods. There's a trail that leads out there. It was about 2am when we went out there. I talked mainly to my sister and Fre. Fre is really cool, I think I relate most to him out of everyone in The Group. I got a really nice body high. A few days before last night Fre was talking to me and he was saying that since everyone would be rolling I might get a body high. I was kind of skeptical about it, but it was pretty neat. Anyway, Fre and my sister would keep swaying and then I'd find myself swaying with them.

Fre and I talked about chi for a while, we talked about a lot of things though. I spotted the virgo contellation in the sky. There were nine of us out there that night. I wish I could describe how it felt out there, but I really can't. Fre, my sister, and I walked back to The House at about 5:30. My sister and I decided to leave, we then drove around teh countryside for about an hour and just talked. Dawn came and everyhting was lit up, it was a bit foggy in the distance, but so beautiful. I was telling my sister how I was feeling and I couldn't put a word on it. Then it dawned on me, I was happy.

This happiness isn't a sort of synthetic, excited happiness. I'm not infatuated or amped up about something. I'm content, it's more than just being content though. I don't know how to explain it really, but it's an amazing feeling.

I love it at The House and with The Group. I feel like I belong. Most, if not all of them, come from broken homes, we can all relate to one another. They all have such different personalities, yet they come together so easily. I'm truly going to miss these people. I think I'm going to try and come back for christmas break. Rus was talking to me and he said ' you know kathlynn, I'm really going to miss you. You've been a sort of staple in our group.' I asked him how, and he said I was quiet, but I somehow brought everythign together. It was a nice feeling. Then he proposed the idea I come down for christmas. He said they'd be having a big christmas this year. Fre asked if I'd be around for his bday, but I won't.

I think one of the reasons I don't want to leave is that I don't want to come back and everything be different. I just want now to last forever. It's really nice that I've found somewhere I feel at home. I have something/somewhere to look forward to. I do miss home, but home doesn't give me the feeling I get here.

When I'm here I don't feel such a need to overthing everything. I still do, but not to such an extent. I don't have to worry so much here, there's no need for it. I was thinking about home yesterday and part of me said 'I don't want to think about home' and another side felt bad, thinking I was being selfish. But I realized being selfish is something I need to learn how to be. Not in a rude slef centered way, but in a way that I worry about myself for once, and not everything/everyone else.


I have so much to say about this, but it would become redundant. As I've gotten to know everyone in The House I can relate to all of them more, and I grow more fond of everyone each time I see them. This is one of those times I will look back on in the future, and long to come back here, to this exact moment.

Quote of the Day:
~“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”~
--Lao Tzu

7/17

Things are only as scary as you make them. But how do you go about something with little to know fear? Courage, is what I'm talking about of course. But how much courage do you really have? How much do I? Do you even know? Is there a way to measure courage? Have you ever asked a friend if you were courageous? I'm sure you've asked at least one of them if you were pretty or handsome. So why not worry about things like courage? Perhaps it's because courage isn't skin deep, so we don't bother asking if other people thing we have it or not. Which is kind of sad really.

When was the last time someone said something to you and it stuck in your mind. Something that in a year from now you will remember? I don't mean something that sounded it like it was from a movie. But something that made you think, or made your head tilt and realize that they really are an amazing person, or that they have deeper thoughts then what you figured. When was the last time you said something like that to someone? We are so hung up on our looks, but not hung up on our words. I wish we were. I really do. And I'm not saying that I'm never hung up on my appearance, I do think about it, but I also try to think about what I'm saying. It never comes out right, but at least I'm thinking about it.

I suppose if we all talked like poets words wouldn't mean so much to us. I don't mean I want to see people talk like poets. Just to see people who really think, and give thought to what they're saying. I love seeing someone like that, even if they're just BSing. Maybe I'm putting to much thought into this, like I do with most things.

7/18

I didn't really realize how much I'm going to miss this place until last night. We were sitting around at Rus's and TJ says "I'm going to miss you when you're gone, Kathlynn" and then my sister and Rus said it. Even Lil said it. I really am going to miss them, and all these crazy experiences I've had since I've come down here.

Last night we went to this clearing in the woods and laid a blanket out. We just laid out there and looked at the stars. We had the puppies with us (there are three of them, TJ's Kilo, Rus's Cross, and my sister's Corona) They played around us, my sister and TJ drank, and we just sat out there talking. It was so peaceful and nice. I'm even going to miss just sitting around Rus's house, watching all the visitors talk and laugh. It's nice, even though I'm a good 4-5 years younger then most of them, I feel at home there.

Arnol keeps telling me I can't leave for this amount of time again, but I'm going to. I can't wait to come down here again next summer. I love everything down here. So far I've created wonderful memories of family, nature, swimming, new friends, coming out of my shell, reading, trying new things, learning to feel comfortable, and many other things. I wish I had a video camera in my eyes, and I could take the tape out when I pleased, so I could watch this summer over and over again. Next summer I'll return a little older and a little wiser, I hope it will be just as good then.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. But I really am going to miss this place. I'm very happy with how everything has turned out, and I know I will definitely come back next summer.

I'm not sure why I've been writing so much lately. It's kind of nice though..

Quote of the Day:
~"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely."~
--Becky Aligada

I don't know who she is, I tried looking up her name, but just that quote came up. If anyone knows, could you please tell me? I love this quote.

People can make some of the most beautiful things, and still be in total misery. Some of the greatest artist and writers took their own lives, despite having made incredible works. Most artists or writers I respect were alcoholics.

Some of the most happy people I know were ignorant in ways, they didn't know how to appreciate good art or good writing. Or any art or writing in general really. This is sounding sort of offensive...but I have a point, I promise. Maybe because they can't appreciate or enjoy the amazing things they can't see the negative things. Agh, this isn't coming out right! This is exactly what I mean when I say something gets lost in translation.

I wish I had a typewriter. Someday I will buy one. Did you know that the qwerty keyboard was made to slow people down? So they wouldn't jam their typewriters.

My sister and I were at her friend's house. (Rus, the owner of the house, is funny in a mean way, but still funny...Fre is quiet and loud at the same time, he's nice...TJ is loud and obnoxious, but funny and nice...Lil is Fre's younger sister, she's kind of an idiot, Gar comes around a bit lately, he's really nice..there are always other visitors around)

Now that we have the run down of the house. My sister and I were at Rus's house, everyone I mentioned was there. We were listening to Sublime, and then when the cd was over my sister told me to go get my Iron & Wine from the car and put it in. I was really doubtful, I didn't expect anyone there to like it. I got it anyway, and half way through Fre is like ' who picked this out' shyly I said I had then he says 'wow, what a great choice, I love this!' Once the cd was over everyone agreed they liked it. Then Fre gets up and says 'that cd was so awesome I'm going to play it all over again'

I don't know why I'm talking about this. I guess I'm just trying to stop thinking so much. I wish I had a switch that just temporarily shut my brain off. Like I could put it on a time limit ' shut off for -:--:--'

Someday I will be able to write something down, and it make perfect sense. And come out exactly how I want it to. Someday.

I haven't been doing my Quote of the Day....The last few entries I've made I wrote to myself in an email, then posted them..so that's why.

Anyway

Quote of the Day:
~"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. "~
--Author Unknown

I thought about death again today, and decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Almost as if i had come to terms with the thought of dying. Perhaps this is just another one of those momentary feelings or thoughts. Perhaps it's not. It seems as time goes on and things change so do out priorities. I know that's a very obvious thought, but I was thinking of that in depth today. Things on our to-do list or our 'important things/people' list get moved up and down. Most things will eventually either be kicked off the list entirely, forgotten about, or eventually accomplished. Growing up the most important thing to most of us was getting that new toy, or going to play with your best friend. Then we get a little older and most of our thoughts are on the opposite sex. Of course, once we realize the opposite sex (or same sex for some) has so much to offer us, we keep them on the list. Once we get out of this stage we focus on making a life, getting a job, extending your schooling. Then it's time to settle down, find a good spouse, have a few kids, buy a house, and get a dog for the kids. Then we raise the kids, watch them go through the phases we did, move them out, retire, and wait for death. We are in such routines, and we don't even try to break free. In fact, we like it this way. I don't know where I'm going with this really, I didn't even mean to start talking about life's routines.

I think if I die tomorrow and I have helped at least one person, or am remember in favor by one person I will be okay. This world has so much to offer, but I think we've just stopped looking. We take solace in our routines and never move on. Dying young is a tragedy in ways, and a blessing in others. Maybe I'm just being to favorable to death right now. I can only hope that death will be a lot more simple then what life has been.

I was thinking about God today. I think about it/him a lot. Even though I am agnostic, I feel there must be something out there. Perhaps it's not that I think that there has to be, but that I want there to be.

Sometimes I wish I just had a big book of answers, and I could use it from time to time. Then again, that would take the 'fun' out of life.

The sun is about to set over the trees, we're in the mountains. I wish things were simple like nature. You don't have to question nature, it's there, it's always been there, it will always be there...Perhaps that's how I should go about everything. No questions asked..it's there because it's there, it happens because it happens, there is no real reason, it doesn't need a reason. It's there...

If only.

I'm not sure what's on my mind anymore. I think about a lot of things. I have a lot of ideal thoughts, even though I know I shouldn't. It tends to ruin things.

With Sam Beam singing in my ear one of the most pretty lines I've heard, I sit here contemplating anything and everything there is to contemplate.

"Please, remember me Happily by the rosebush laughing with Bruises on my chin. The time when we counted every black car passing"

It reminds me of when I was little. My friend Josh and I were running around my yard, and I ran into our huge rosebush. I'll never forget that. We also used to hide behind his bushes when we saw a black van, we thought all black vans were kidnappers.

I was thinking about writing again. I'm not sure if I can anymore. I haven't tried in a long time. I don't want to write anymore murder stories. I want to write like Bukowski, I want to make an alter ego...I want to write it in journal form. I think it would be silly though. I wish I could still write poetry. I don't think I can anymore though.

I thought about painting the other day, but decided not to. I wish I hadn't given up on myself so easily. I wish I had tried a little harder and given myself a little more credit. I wish I had listened when I was receiving compliments.

When I write it's like something gets lost in the transition from my mind to mouth. Something is just lost in translation.

God, if you're out there. Take care of that kid. He may have made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he's trying to make up for it. I wish I could make some sort of deal with You, but I'm not sure how. If I figure it out, I'll make one. I know I don't have full faith in you, even as I type this now, and I am completely undeserving of anything I ask you. But please, I beg, take care of him.

7/12

Why is it arguing with friends hurts the most? And no matter how right you are, you still feel wronged. Why is it so hard to just say you're sorry first? Even though you know they're dying to hear it just like you are. Do you fight to test one another, or is there really no reason at all? Do some people have reasons? Why are we always sorry for the things we shouldn't be sorry for? Or for the things we really can't control? Perhaps we do fight to test one another. Perhaps we do a lot things to test one another. Perhaps we don't.

It seems to me that some of the best lyrics Ive ever heard came from some of the softest voices.

I think one of the main reasons I fear death is because I don't want to be forgotten. Which I feel I will. Is there any real reason to fear that though? If everyone dies, we will all meet again..right?

It seems that people are always saying not to let the little things get to you, or not to get wrapped up them. But how long can you look at the big picture until you get bored? Why is everything so complicated and contrary? Why can't things just be simple...if they were simple would we want them to be complicated?

I'm suppose to go to a party in a little while. I'm not fully sure if I want to. I really just want to take a nice long swim, and calm down. That's mostly because I love nature though. Nature to me can be like a security blanket. It's comforting and it's not going anywhere soon. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the comfort of nature. I appreciate a lot of things, but nature is at the top of my list.

Why are people so hesitant to forgive for petty things? Or hold grudges for petty things? Why don't we all try to cause as little negative energy as we can? Then again, I think negativity is just part of human nature.

If you gave someone the same type of chocolate everyday for a year, they'd grow tired of the chocolate you're giving them. What if you gave them three types..and altered them every three days? In a pattern..would they still grow tired of it? You're giving them variety..just in order?

7/13

I think a fallen tree is one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Something so beautiful, so powerful lying rotting on the edge of an interstate. I swear I could write like Henry or Hemingway if I just tried a little harder. It always seems if I just did something a little more, or with a little more effort I could have it. But then again, do I really want it? If I could write like them, I'd never do it. I swear to it. I never would. I'd never touch my pen to paper as long as I lived.

Have you ever looked closely at a leaf from a tree? What did you see? Did you just see a leaf? Did you see life? Chlorophyll? I could spend all day outside just studying blades of grass.

What do you do when you finally get something you want? Something you have longed for? You've chased and chased, now it's yours..but you still feel like you should be chasing? Camden told me to enjoy it...how exactly do I do that?

Dar seems to care way more than what I ever thought he could be capable of. It makes me feel nice, but it makes me unsure of myself. I'm not exactly sure why. I over-analyze things to the point of obsession..I'm not sure if that's okay or not. As usual, I'm not sure of much. I am sure of one thing though..and that's that I need to go take a shower and stop thinking so damn much. No good can come from it. I swear.

Why is it that in all movies there is always a big fight then they make up via a heart spilling moment? As if every movie is implanting things must get worse before they get better. Littering spectrums of hope in our lives.

Is it better to say too much then to say nothing at all? What if by saying too much you ruin it. Is that better than never taking the risk in the first place?

Why is it I write words without the first letter, than go back and write the first letter. (in actual handwriting) it's rather odd.

Why is it everyone is searching for the one? People always say things like "I've been searching for someone like you my entire life"? Why don't we learn to enjoy our own company? Why are we so desperate for companionship? We all die alone anyway.

Why is it stupid people have so much fun and are always happy? Intelligent lead such different lives. They worry about real problems and have actual concerns. Why aren't I just blissfully stupid?

Why does no one appreciate the little things? Like the stars. How much more amazing does it get? These gigantic balls of burning gas millions of miles away are shining so brightly, lighting an otherwise blank sky with beauty. We should take comfort in the stars, what loyal friends they are.

Why are we so wrapped up in the little things like parties, reality TV, gossip, and petty such? When was the last time you appreciated a beautiful sunset? Not because you were with your "gf/bf" but just because it was beautiful. When did you last look around and say "wow, what an amazing world we live in" ?

Instead you sit on your ass watching Tila Tequila rotting your brain to the core. Go do something! Go have an intelligent conversation, go read an amazing work of literature, go listen to the wind blow!

Why did we stop writing? Where have all the good writers gone? All the ideas? Am I just blind? What has happened?

For all you know you could have been the next Hemingway, or Einstein, or Aristotle!

Instead you sit around watching shit television, gossiping, bitching about petty shit, like not getting to go that party this weekend, or how that cute guy doesn't like you, or how you need to lose 20 lbs. To be frank, no one gives a fuck. If that's all your life consists of then you need to A) change B) kill yourself. You are the reason this world sucks. For all you lazy Americans out there, go do something! Go make history!

We have lost this country to apathy! We are based off of Locke's ideas...one of his key points being that if the gov. is not looking out for the people, then it is to be overthrown. our government definitely does not give two shits about us, and we all know we need a revolution. Ben Franklin once said that a country should have a revolution every 100 years our country is what, 200 years old? we should have had 2 revolutions by now..but we haven't. why? because the American people are too shoved up their own asses to give a fuck. We have lost this once great country to apathy.

If you are agreeing with any of this in the slightest sense, then please. Do something! Make a website, write out your ideas, tell your friends, just do something.

I realize I sound like a hypocrite because of my entries. I vent in this journal..but this is what most my thoughts are usually like. Questions that can't really be answered and drive myself mad with these ideas no one seems to care about. If yo have some sort of want to convey your thoughts to me on this sort of thing email me. its-all-under-the-table@hotmail.com If you have a site you want me to join I'm more than happy to. Please, if you are out there with ideas similar to mine, contact me! I'm drowning in apathy.

[this was written around..5am, there's a second smaller part I'll post at a later time]

Quote of the Day:
~"A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future."~
--Einstein

sorry for the impossibly long entry.

With all the different ways I act and think, I should have multiple personalities. I change on an hourly basis.

I'm currently listening to a cover of 'I just died in your arms tonight' It's pretty good. His voice is kind of whiny, but it matches this song.

I'm really looking forward to leaving Saturday morning. I'm going to get fucked up this summer. I hope so at least. I'm sure my sister will let me try stuff, but I don't know if she'll let me try LSD. I hope so.

I'm a pretty good kid, to be honest. I hardly do any wrong. I usually obey my parents wishes. I just want to forget about all this shit that's happening.

I know that won't fix things, so don't try to feed me a line. I just want to cut loose and have some fun, for once.

I went to a show the other night. I only went to see Arnol, who was in town for the show. It turned out to be quite fun.

I met an old friend, Dea, I knew him a few years ago. When I was still good friends with Tany. He was friends with her older brother. He looked good, he had bulked down. It was nice seeing him again, we talked a lot.

Arnol and I met this awesome paramedic, we discussed conspiracies theories and such. It was great. He was really intelligent, which gives me hope i won't grow up and be surrounded by morons.

He was also a little crazy. Arnol and I agreed that was probably why we like him so much. He was intelligent and crazy just like us.

I think I might make a joural to keep while I'm away. I don't plan on getting online much, if at all. I still need an outlet though. I like making books. Well, small ones. It's fun to decorate the covers.

I might take up writing again. Maybe I'll record my summer experiences. Or make a character and base their experiences off of mine..only make it much better. haha. Like an alter ego I guess, I've never tired that. I see a lot of people doing that..so it must have some sort of fun in it.

I was suppose to have driver's ed this week, but I told them to reschedule it for when school starts. I want to enjoy my last week with my friends.

I'm going over to Ale's tomorrow. I've never talked about her. I call her trashman..she's pretty awesome. I'm excited. Her mom will be out of town.

Then I'll see Arnol on Friday, kind of like a going away sort thing..I don't know. He just said he wanted to see me again before I left.

I still feel extremely lonely, but I'm trying to enjoy my own company like I used to. i don't know..I'm in a really laid back mood right now, so nothing seems like a big deal. I'm sure in an hour or two it will kick in again..hah

I emailed this girl..I don't know if she'd appreciate me dropping her name..so I'll just call her MS.

She does portraits with adobe illustrated. I asked if she could do mine and she did. It looks great. I'll post it..but if it's too big I'll probably erase it later.



Click on it to see the full image.. That's what I look like, so if you wanna stalk me, you know what I look like. =] haha

Quote of the Day:
~"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, So do our minutes hasten to their end."~
--Shakespeare

What a great two days I've had.

Actually..they've been hell. First, I fight with my childhood friend because she's a spoiled little brat. She thinks her parents are oh so mean because she needs new clothes, make up, and hair prodcuts. Maybe if she didn't shop at the most expensive stores possible, didn't wear 2 pounds of make up, and didn't need 10 hair products to make her hair look the same as it always does, she would have all the shit she wants.

It's not even like she doesn't get whatever she wants whenever she wants it. She is spoiled rotten. She is greedy.

I love her to death though, and I could never stop being friends with her. We've been friends for 7 years now.

I ended up apologizing and taking the high road, of course everything is peachy keen now. She's still the same spoiled person, she always will be and my words will never change that.

That was last night. Then today, I got in a big screaming argument with my abusive boyfriend. Yeah..I'm throwing that out there. Hence, what I can never talk about in this journal.

Anyhow..we got into a fight and he held me down and I felt like I was suffocating, so I started hitting his back to get him to stop, he smashed his face against mine, and then bites my cheek as hard as he can. I scream and start yelling to get out of my house. He leaves my room, I lock the door. He calls my mom to pick him up and take him home. (while crying hysterically)

He still isn't sure if it's over. It is. I wrote him a letter to clarify (there is no way in hell I'm getting near him) and a sent photos of the big bite marks on my cheek.

I'm very scared right now in all honesty. I'm scared and paranoid. I'll be leaving soon, for AR. The original plan was wait until I'm going to leave, break things off and try to enjoy my summer alone.

That didn't work out.

These marks look so bad. I showed a friend a photo of them, and he said they should go away in a few days..I hope he's right, I feel like a freak show.

So that was the first part of my day. Now as I was talking to a dear friend I was telling him how I wished a different friend was online. And he asked why an I said 'because he is comforting and nice to talk to' and he got mad.

Which okay..he's mad..that's okay. But I listen to him talk about Suss (my childhood friend) every fucking day, and I never say anyhting.

Just randomly he'll be like 'suss is so cool/cute/funny/etc' whatever he wants to put in that day.

It's annoying, but I don't get pissy because I know Suss means something to him. So how can he do that to me? Especially with all the shit I just went through..you've got to be kidding.

He reads this, so he'll most likely see all of it. I don't care.

How could you do this trev? Why? Why right now out of all times?

=\

I feel so lonely. I can't wait to be away from all this, all these people that just make me feel awful.

I've been feeling really lonely lately, to top off all the other shit feelings I have. woo...

I'm kind of happy though...in a way..I'm out of my abusive relationship. It's been almost two years now since we started dating. Probably about a year he's been abusing. I have a different journal that explains all of it, I haven't written in it in a long time.

It's not like the people tried to make me feel lonely..I'm not blaming them..I just do.

I feel really useless, most the people I know I help out, but they've all been helped/helped themselves, and they're okay now. I have no one left to help, I'm useless.

I don't know.. I have so much on my mind. It just doesn't seem like anyone understands what's going through my mind. Maybe one person..but I don't know..

I hope I come back a new person after this summer. I don't know what I'll do if I come back and still feel awful.. I don't really want to think about it either.

I'm leaving the 7th so if I don't post much after that, don't worry..not that you would, but just in case. I don't like to just disappear on people.

Anyways..I think I need to get off to bed..these past days have really taken a toll. Especially today with all that....

Here's the link to my other journal, I have no reason to hide it. :

-link removed- I don't need that dead weight anymore.

Quote of the Day:
~"“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”~
---Mark Twain

Take care.

This was very accurate.

stolen from: caitlinsspecial.

I just read CurtneyIsASuperher0's journal.

I have read hers. I also like the song Jesus Christ. If you haven't read her latest journal you're probably lost.

Anyways, thanks Curtney, for the compliment on being introspective. I tend to find that part of me (which is a big part of me) slightly annoying. So, thanks. :]

I have been thinking of death a lot. It captivates me for some reason. I am fearful of it. It's that fear that riddles my mind with questions.

What will death be like? Will we feel ourselves fade out of this world? How will we feel when we are fading?

What happens once we die? Will we float up to the clouds and stand in front of pearly gates?

Will we take a new body, remembering nothing from the past life. Will there be nothing?

No god, no afterlife, no reincarnation...just nothing? How can that be? There must be something..there must.

Death seems to be so untimely, so unconventional. Not that it is meant to be conventional or timely..

How can there be a body with no person inside? It all seems so surreal to me.

People with so much potential, so much to look forward to die so easily. Life and death is a matter of seconds. We are ticking bombs, waiting to detonate at any moment.

I could die tomorrow, so could you. Everything you know, everything you love, hate, cherish..all of it gone in a split second.

Time seems to me to be the most precious thing we have. Yet, time is really nonexistent. You can not touch it, nor feel it, nor see it, nor hear time. It's in your mind really.

If you asked someone if they'd like to be immortal, most would say no. They wouldn't want to live forever, all their loved ones would die, and they remain. Which is true, but what if we knew there was nothing after life..just emptiness..do you think that would change people's opinions?

If the bible and all that is right, I will burn in hell. Which I am for the most part okay with...

If Muslims are right I might be an animal..most likely I would be. I haven't been the best person, and I have much time (or seemingly) to mess up.

I'm okay with that as well. I'm okay with most the afterlives shown to us by religions. I am not okay with empty..with nothing. I want to remember. If I am to live in an isolated world, never to see the face of another living being again, so be it. As long as I can remember.

I've probably said this all before. Death is on my mind a lot lately.

Someone told me to think of lighter things. Don't think of death or creation, but think of things like history or literature. Everything reminds me of death though.

Flowers...wilt and die.

History..I think of wars..wars WWII..the holocaust, mass slaying...death.

Literature, I think of Hemingway, who killed himself.

I don't know I'm just rambling..

Quote of the Day:
"These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."
-Friar Laurence
Romeo & Juliet

I realize that kind of goes against my rules..since no actual person said it (except actors and Shakespeare)

However, I find this line very interesting...because of the meaning, and because powder..as in gun powder was not around in Romeo's time..Shakespeare messed up on that.

I feel so very lost and confused right now. I have been doing absolutely nothing but thinking for the past 30 minutes. I've drawn no conclusions.

That was really productive.

So I decided I would write it all down in my journal. Because I know you all just clinging to my every word.

I only watched Donnie Darko twice today. That's because I wasn't home, and I watched the director's cut, which is longer.

I've been completely dissecting that movie.

There was something I had confused in it, I was talking to r.a.s about. she said:
'hmm, im sure youll figure it out you live and breathe DD'

Haha. She's right though. I have become really obsessed with this movie. I even think about it when I'm not watching it.

I can recite most of it by now. My msn name has a line from it, and so does my post message.

I even dream about it. Last night I dreamt I was getting on a train to leave for summer vacation. Someone I know that has become decently significant to me was standing outside of it. They had walked me to the station.

Frank's voice came on saying 'Don't leave.' So, I got off the train. I saw my friend still standing there, and when I walked up behind them they turned around, but it was Frank.

And then all the doors in the station were covered with glass, but I couldn't bust it open. Frank was gone but his voice said, 'Find a way, it's more obvious then you think.'

My friend was on the other side, and right when I had found the way, I woke up.

I think what I have done is replaced all my real problems and worries with that movie.

Oh well..

I had a discussion with a friend, about how I'm so closed off and refuse to ask other's for help, etc.

It kind of hurt..but I kind of needed it I guess. It's hard to face something like that. I really just wanted to shut him out.

I don't know, I don't want to talk/think about that anymore.

I feel very useless lately. I never get anyhting accomplished. I do..but I don't know..it's hard to explain.

It's like I'll accomplish something and by time I get it done, I'm bored with whatever I was doing.

I'm looking forward to this summer, but I'm really apprehensive about leaving. I can't explain why I'm apprehensive. Well, I could, but I'm not going to.

I should really go to bed. I'm just not tired. Tomorrow is mother's day.

I have lines I should be memorizing, but I don't think I even bothered to bring the book home.

I'm bleeding, but the wound itches. It's very annoying.

Ha, I love when people say their about to leave, but then they don't.

Shakespeare died on his birthday. April 23rd. I think he died in 1616? and was born in 1564?

I'm not completely sure, but I'm not going to look it up.

Why does skin swell? It's painful and I dislike it.

I'm sure I could answer that question if I just took a little time to think.

I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

I've been thinking a lot about the afterlife. I don't believe anything the bible says. It's bullshit, and a lot is plagiarism.

However, I don't deny the existent of God, yet I don't think there can be proof. So where does that leave the afterlife?

I sometimes envy people who are religious, and have faith. They always have someone to be around, even if they might not exist..

It's like a free ticket to being crazy. You can talk to imaginary people, think about them, write about them, debate about them, lecture about them, preach about them, you can dedicate your whole life to them!

Hell, some people even see them or hear them. Yet, they aren't stuck with names like schizophrenic. No, they're considered special!

Religion is very odd.

Anyways..I envy them because they are never alone, and they always have something constant in their lives. It's like...they have this odd sort of faith with this almost/if not imaginary being.

How? There is no proof..a book of words written by man..

It's very odd to me.

Every living creature on Earth dies alone.

I really love that quote. It is so very true, but it's something you don't want to admit.

So..I guess I'm going to start quoting it now.

Oh well, at least it's a good movie to quote.

This is getting kind of long.

The search for God is absurd?
It is if everyone dies alone.

I was going to put the other part to that, but decided against it. It's kind of lengthy.

I feel rather alone now. Sure, I have lost of friends. People who are willing to listen and help. But I don't have anyone in my life I want to go to for that help or ear, or even just to talk to.

I feel like Callie. I'm not going to die, but crawling under the porch to be alone sounds pretty inviting right now.

Haha, I bet someone reads this who dislikes me and says 'yeah, go do that, and die while you're at' hahhaha

I can't wait until I can read over these entries and be so thankful I don't feel this way anymore.

I can't wait to be well again.

Dar used to always tell me how happy I was. I was one of the happiest people he knew. Now, he never says things like that.

hey say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... "destruction is a form of creation," so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things.

Someday, this will all be better. I promise.

I wasn't quoting Donnie..even though that is very similar to a quote. Well, the first paragraph was one, but the sentence wasn't.

I know, somewhere in my heart, it tells me that this will all be better. I will be well.

I think this is more that enough as far as writing goes.

Quote of the Day:
~"Cellar Door"~
--J. R. R. Tolkien

Have a Mother's Day.

It's cold in my room, but I'm keeping the window open. The pitter-patter of rain on my window pane is one noise I could honestly live for.

Next time your walking through the hall of your school, take a second to look around and just listen. The footsteps, the voices, the whispers, secrets, gossip, weather, teacher yelling, kids laughing, papers falling. It all just falls together.

Next time your in the library look around, listen, feel, it's silent but there's still noise. There's always noise. Libraries are wonderful, filled to the brim with book, old, new, modern, aged. Shelves lined with them. It feels almost secretive. Which one do you choose? Who has read it before?

Next time your walking outside, look around at the trees, at the light. The way light falls onto you.

I don't know why I'm saying any of this.

I stood out in the rain today for a good 30 minutes, just stood there. I looked around, and I thought some things, but most of my thoughts were absent.

Donnie Darko just finished, for the 3rd time today. I'm starting it over.

The ending is so great. I won't explain, in case you haven't seen it.

It makes you almost ache inside, but you know it's for the best. It's a painful sort of happy. Self-sacrifice always is.

Self-sacrifice really amazes me. It's one of those things that when people do it (which is rare) it makes you tilt your head in awe, and you almost want to ask them why?

Hah, I must be a good bullshitter 'cause I told myself I'd right about my feelings, and this is what came of it.

If I ever have a pet rabbit, I'm definitely naming it Frank, which reminds me...my cousin is suppose to give me a black rabbit. Woo Frank.


Feeling time, seriously, Kat.

I feel pretty damn worthless lately.

I don't know if I've talked about this, if so, I apologize:
I told my mom about how I feel. She said 'well, we can put you one medication for that.'

Well, great mommy dearest. Precisely what I don't want.

Anyhow, my sister called, and I talked to her, and then told her about it. She said I could come stay with her (Arkansas) and that it would be a sort of rehabilitation, or however she put it. She had a long rant about how mom doesn't know anyhting and that what she said to me is so typical her.

I hope it all works out. My mother is preparing things, like checking on plane ticket or train tickets, so on.

I'm trying not to get too stoked, if it doesn't work out, I don't want to feel really let down.

Last night I spilled all my worries to a friend, and he was comforting , it felt kind of nice i guess. I don't know, I don't like talking about my feelings. (even though I'm forcing myself to now..hah)

okay. I'm done.

Quote of the Day:
~"Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. "~
-Harper Lee

Did you know Harper Lee and Truman Capote grew up as neighbors and were good friend?

If you didn't, now you do.

All the cool kids seem to be doing this.

Fallen said is was 'scary accurate' or something like that. So, I gave it a go.

http://www.colorquiz.com/

Your Existing Situation
The existing situation contains critical or dangerous elements for which it is imperative that some solution be found. This may lead to sudden, even reckless, decisions. Self-willed and rejects any advice from others.

That's right I guess. I've been kind of reckless lately, but with anger..and it says nothing about anger.

Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

That's true. However, I have high hopes to fix everything come summer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations and her need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached.

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

What the hell? hahah. The only part of that that was anywhere near true was about being left isolated. lol.

Your Desired Objective
Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself.

Hm, I guess that's true. I'm an aries after all.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

This is all very true. For reasons you do, and do not know. (if you read my journal, that is.)

Hm, well that soaked up some time.

Note to self: write down all plans, in order to clear mind.

Quote of the Day:
~"no quote."~

I realize this was kind of quick. Oh well.
(Alice in Wonderland is on)
(I thought you'd like to know)

Anyways. The story I'm about to show you is not named. I rarely name stories. It may be a bit confusing. I've had my English teacher correct it, but I haven't updated all corrections. It will have run-ons. It will have grammatical errors. If it bothers you, I'm sorry. It bothers me too.

If you think of a good name for it email me at; its-all-under-the-table@hotmail.com
(also, if you wish, tell me what you think. or just add me for fun, whatever works.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once lived a girl who was exceedingly proud of the beauty she bestowed. She had not always been that way though. Growing up as a child she had wealth beyond belief and all the nicest and most luxurious things in life.
However, her parents were absent more often than not. She knew only her nanny. The nanny treasured the girl and taught her to be proud. She was often teased in school, she would come home day after day crying. The nanny would always tell her the school children were jealous of the girl's infinite beauty. Soon she grew confidence, but it soon turned into conceit.
When someone didn't do as she pleased, she immediately accused them of jealousy and dismissed the problem at hand, never resolving anything. The nanny eventually saw the behavior and tried to correct it. The effort was in vain though. The child dismissed the beloved nanny. The nanny heartbroken, gave the child a few words of wisdom, "Do no let these conceited ways get the best of you, or someday you will see the lasting effects." The child thought nothing of it and went about her self centered ways.
She filled her room with luxurious mirrors. Her most prized possession, apart form her beauty, was her vanity which she often sat at watching herself brush her hair. She counted every stroke. She was often thought of as ruthless, rude, and unkind. Although teased as a child she learned nothing from the experience. She teased her school mates often about their ugly appearances. She had no friends, although she was far from lonely. Her greatest friend was her own reflection, for it would never leave.
One day she looked into her mirror, and her reflection was gone. She commenced to panic, but soon quieted her worried mind. She patiently waited for it's return. Knowing it could not be gone forever.
A week or so after the event she awoke and went to her vanity, there her reflection was peering out at her, "Miss me?" it asked. She was taken back, she struggled for words wondering if she had lost her sanity.
The reflection reiterated the question, this time the girl spoke up, "Well, yes. I did miss you. I'm certain you missed me as well?" The reflection laughed, 'Why would I miss such a revolting creature as yourself?"
"I am beautiful!" yelled the girl. "Poor poor child,"said the reflection sadly, "you are the ugly duckling dear, it's quite sad," The girl turned her nose up, "How do you say such things? You are after all my own reflection, you are me."
"Tisk Tisk child, oh how naive you are. I am what you want to see not what you are. I am the beautiful swan you wish you were," the girl began to sob. She climbed into her bed only to look up at her mirror covered headboard. There lie her reflection staring back at her. It smiled and began to mock her, "Oh how beautiful I am, it's okay to be jealous. Perhaps someday you will be as pretty as me,"the reflection giggled cruelly and carried on. The girl hid under her lavish blankets, she put a heavy silk pillow over head, trying as hard as she could to block out the voice. She eventually fell into sleep, dream she did not.
When she awoke she recalled the horrendous nightmare. She shook it form her mind. The girl rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and headed for her full length mirror. There it was, in all it's glory. her reflection. Yet, it stood still, and moved exactly as she did. She moved closer when she was within inches of it it shrieked. She screamed in terror. The reflection only laughed, 'Oh ugly girl, you frighten too easily."
"I am not ugly!" she screamed. They began to argue back and forth. Once again the reflection outsmarted her contradicting every work that spilled from her mouth. The girl quickly gave up and left the mirror. Everywhere she went there was always a mirror or window in which stood her reflection mocking her at every chance. Day in and day out she dealt with the agonizing voice.
One afternoon she became so fed up she ran for the kitchen. The obscure reflection in the toaster stared at her, "What are you doing?" it asked. "Oh you'll see soon enough,"she smiled.
She ran back to the room, a meat tenderizer in hand. She looked at the reflection in one of her mirrors, "I've had enough of you!" she began smashing the mirror, she went about smashing mirrors throughout her room. Despite the sound of breaking glass the reflections laugh over shadowed it all. She stopped and looked at it.
"You can't destroy all the mirrors in the world, you foolish girl," the reflection went about laughing. The girl took up her smashing in anger. Suddenly a shard of glass flew back at her and pierced her skin.
"Ouch!' they yelled in unison. She looked up quickly. The girl smiled as an idea quickly took place within her mind. She ran for the kitchen again. Out she pulled a lengthy knife, the reflection stared up out of it, "Up to something, I see." it said menacingly.
She ran to the full length mirror and stared at the reflection. She sliced her shoulder. The reflection yelled for her to stop. She began slicing various parts of skin. Each time the reflection yelped, "Do you surrender?"asked she.
"Never!" responded the reflection, "I'll be with you till the end, you wretched little cur," the reflection flashed a satisfied smile, thinking it had won the battle as usual.
Infuriated and irate, the girl had had enough. Tortured by her own mind she grabbed the knife, "Till the end? Then let this be the end!" She stabbed herself in the stomach. She dropped to her knees along with the reflection. She pulled the knife out and thrust it in again. This time dropping to the floor completely.
The reflection spoke on e last time, "Do no let these conceited ways get the best of you, or someday you will see the lasting effects." The girl cried out in terror, she pulled the knife out once more but died before the blade once again pierced her flesh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it seemed gruesome, I'm sorry. I'm a murder/tragedy writer. I guess this is more of a suicide. Oh well. I generally write murder.

My wrists smell like nag champa.
The thoughts swarming my mind consist of three things;
whats wrong with me?
is -insert name- okay?
whats it like to take acid?

The last one seems random, but I've thought about that a lot lately.

I lied yesterday when I said I came home and painted. I tried out some new paints, but grew bored and uninspired. I ended up throwing my paint brushes in the sink, having a break down, and going to sleep.

I was really inspired by the sub too. =\

I just don;t know anymore..

Did I ever know?

Are you going to answer my questions?


(I'm waiting)


asshole.


bleh. I failed my bio test today. I didn't study for it, we had time to study in class, but I decided to sleep.

We had a test in english as well, but I rock at english and couldn't fail that class if I tried. I'm not bragging either, I'm perfectly serious.

My sister sucks at english and history, and rocks at maths and science. I rock at english and history, and suck at maths and science.

I haven't talked to her in a good while. I've been meaning to call her. The thought of talking to her for a really long time (we always have great discussions) is really repulsing. Which is fucked up, I love my sister..

I also need to call my friend Emma, even though she blew me off, like always. But that was like around Christmas. Again, the thought of talking to her for a really long time is repulsing.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away.

I think I might take a risk and post a short story later.

Please. Do not steal my story. Every story I write is like a child to me. No kidnapping, please.

Quote of the Day:
~“Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong”~
--Mahatma Gandhi

Seriously kids, violence isn't cool. You're name isn't Tyler Durden, we should treat everyone with respect. I myself am guilty of being non-respectful, but that doesn't mean I don't try to be kind.

That sounds 'gay' but I don't care. We are so fucked up, if I could just reach out to one person and make them want to be a peaceful individual I'd feel I had made a difference in this cold world.

I had an amazing substitute teacher in art today. He's been subbing for the past few days, but I was bashful as hell to talk to him.

So Mar did, and then we started this discussion about how the art world is such a mess. Then Mar left the conversation and we started talking about what kind of art he liked doing.

I asked him about painting, and then we started talking about artists, and then I ended up showing him my first abstract painting. He liked it.

Then he gave me a bunch of tips, which were amazing. He really inspired me. I came home and painted.

[I should be telling this to someone, I was excited to, but I think I fucked that up.]

I feel really guilty, I kind of, not really, sort of, blew someone off. Now they're away, and have been for the past two hours.

Fuck.

I haven't slept well for the past 3 nights, maybe four..I don't know.
Time is an illusion, unless you ask Aristotle.

Smoke on that shit.

I hate this. When I'm down or whatever I'm really sarcastic and joke-like. Which is not me at all.

Does anyone actually keep up with my depressing journal? If so, why?

There's a user on here who has been posting a novel, chapter by chapter. That's how Dickson did it. At first, at least.

Did you know that?

Anyways, I emailed him and told him what I thought, he emailed me back today. I told him I was a writer too, he said I should put some of my work on sm.

I might.

I don't know.

I'm fucking tired. 9 more minutes, and then I give up, and I'll just have to leave Mr. Away a message. Man, I feel like shit.

I don't know, I had pretty good day I guess.

I think I have serious paranoia problems. lol.

That's not funny. I guess. I don't know.

Do I know anything?
-well yeah.
-lots of things.
-example?
-a shit load of useless knowledge
-that explains nothing.
-fuck off.

Ah, I just love my mind.

Gah. I don't know what to do anymore.

Quote of the Day:
~"Don't join the book burners. Don't think you're going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. Don't be afraid to go in your library and read every book... "~
--Dwight D. Eisenhower

When ever something bad happens, or I'm let down by something or someone. I tell myself everything happens for a reason, and try to shrug it off.
[I'm starting to think this isn't true.]

I miss journaling on here, but I never seem to know how to explain myself. I just draw a blank.

Things have been really up and down lately.

Someday I'll sit down to write on here and be able to explain everything.

If you haven't heard iron & wine, go listen, now. Seriously, I just bought The Shepherd's Dog. It's incredible. I'm in deep love with Boy With a Coin.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TLNyVLbqdEg
[I didn't think there'd be a video, I was wrong. What a nice surprise.]

Quote of the Day:
~"“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”~
-Charles Bukowski

PS
I have a lot of things to be reading. I just got The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee from the library. I've read to kill a mockingbird before, if you haven't I highly recommend it.

I also bought two books at this rummage sale sort thing at my mom's work. I bought Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain and Picture Perfect by Fern Michaels. Picture perfect is a murder/mystery novel I'm excited to read.

Then I have The Talisman by Stephen King on it's way. The librarian ordered it for me.

I'm almost done with the old man and the sea, but I've been reading very leisurely. It's not really like me. I guess it's nice though.

[sorry for the long PS]

"anyoneeeee. im bored! someone respond???"

Hello, sunshine.
How are you?

So, I still don't know what the fuck my problem is, or why i feel so goddamn, down all the fucking time.

To make life even better! My inside/outside cat has to be kept outside. My inside cat, that I've had for ever and ever is sick. She's been sick for the past week.

My birthday is in three fucking days, and I'm wondering who all will remember.

I just told my ceiling to fuck off, and that I hate it. (directed at 'god') I told it something like, 'if you do fucking exist, then strike me down, ole mighty one, fuck the lord, see? I'm taking your name in vain, smite me, I fucking challenge you, smite me!'

and more ranting..at my ceiling. While also pacing like the crazy bastard I just so happen to be.

So now, I'm sitting here, ranting to an online journal. Hey, all you strangers, why are you reading this?

So great, it's just a cat right? right..

fuck this.

My mom told me earlier and after about ten 'I don't want to talk about this.' 's she let it go.

I'm listening to Vivaldi.

Play me something nice Fabio!

Concerto in D minor, RV394 - 3

Yippee yay.

I've been practicing my smile for my birthday, and my excited face. Which is harder than what you'd think.

Okay, enough of this. I hope you all had a dandy time reading it.

Quote of the Day:
~"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor."~
-Queen Elizabeth I

I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

I give out advice to all these people. In fact, a girl I met via here asked me for advice today. On two separate things, and I gave her advice.

She said it was good advice, and that I always give good advice. That I help her out.

Which is great, I'm not bitching about that. I'm stoked I help her out.

It's just, why can't I take my own damn advice? Why am I so indecisive when it comes to my problems.

If you were to right now, add me on msn, and ask me for advice on whatever problem you had, I could almost, if not immediately give you advice.

But when it comes to my problems, I can't make up my damn mind on anything.

Of course not, that would make life easy.

I can't explain what type of mood I'm in. Because I can't explain anything. ever.

I am screwing everything up right now. I can't get one thing right. I can't even paint.

I was sketching a tree, that I planned to paint. I didn't have that great of a day, so I was going to paint.

So I sketch up this tree, it looks fucking awful. I love drawing trees, it's great fun, I draw them up in class a lot lately.

But the one time I need to draw a tree, of course not.

Life just gave me the finger.

Yesterday I painted this killer painting, I was in love with it. So I lay it on my drawing board to dry, 20 minutes later I go to lift it up, it tears completely in half.

Are the painting gods pissed at me?

I just bought a bunch of new paints too. I was so excited to use them.

Now I just feel it was a waste of money.

This not even what I'm mad about.

I can't even write in a damn journal anymore.

I'm so very sick of myself.

I'm sitting here listening to Vivaldi, performed by Fabio Biondi. Trying to calm down, trying to relax, sketching a tree.

The only think I end up getting was failure.

I wish Hank Chinaski were still alive. He could write up some more poems, and publish them, and I could read them.

I finished his book.

In case your wondering, Hank Chinaski is Bukowski's autobiographical character. He is called that by various people in some of the poems I've read.

I'm getting off subject as usual.

What was my subject?

Oh yes, I'm pissed off, and I can't portray why.

Oh fuck, none of you care.

Why are you still reading?

Stop
Reading
This
It's
Nonsense.

Work?

I didn't think it would.

Hello. How are you today? Terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like a stick of gum? No? Too many calories, or what? Oh, watching you're figure, I see. Well, summer is coming up soon. We wouldn't want to have any chub for bathing suit season, now would we? You porky bastard.

This is entertainment..

I wish I had more Bukowski to read.

His poems are so very honest and blunt. They don't feel like some fairy tale world, where a princess is rescued, and they live happily ever after.

His sad poems aren't written in metaphors and smilies, they are written exactly how one would talk about something sad.

He makes you feel like he is sitting in front of you, having a casual conversation.

In one poem, he even talks about if this poem will be published, and if you are reading it. How he may be dead and gone. How he is talking to you, and how he is alive for that moment.

I fiercely love that poem.

Surprisingly, I am not so angry anymore. Vivaldi is still pumping through my speakers.

In case you were wondering.

I downloaded some Jefferson Airplane today, I still haven't gotten around to listening to it.

Right now, I'm just eating up my Vivaldi.

If I were to throw a party and be able to invite anyone I could this is who I'd invite; Bukowski, Hemingway (Bukowski wrote a poem about the hatred of Hemingway, its about a girl who hates him, I love it), Vivaldi, Carl Czerny, Prokofiev, (we would be having a concert, I'm guessing) River Phoenix, Gandhi, and John Lennon.

Okay, this became my 'people who are deceased party'

Who would you invite if you had one?

Okay, I'm done. I hope you enjoyed all that.

Quote of the Day:
~“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”~
---Charles Bukowski

I finally got the book I've been waiting to arrive.

It's not the book I wanted, but it's a book of poems by Bukowski, I can't complain.

The book is: The People Look Like Flowers at Last; new poems.

Today people kept asking what it was about, I'd say a lot of things. It was a book of poems. Then they'd read the title and assume it was some girlie book.

If they knew the poem that title was derived from, they might not think so. Let me show you a few lines.

[a girl had just told him to love her, and left. the streets are flooded with people singing about love]

but after she leaves
I feel odd
I lock the door
go to the desk and take the pistol
from the drawer. it has it's own sense of
love.
LOVE!LOVE!LOVE! the crowd sings in the
streets.

I fire through the window
glass cutting my face and
arms. I get a 12-year-old boy
an old man with a beard
and a lovely young girl something like a lilac

[theres more, that will do for now]

Later he kills the girl that told him to love her, and the frog she brings home.

Real girlie. haha.

I borrowed a book from a friend, it was okay. I finished it in a day. I haven't given it back, it took her a week to finish it, I don't want to come off as a jackass.

I'm letting her borrow Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass.

I'm a bit scared she'll make a massacre out of simple meanings, she's one of those people who will read something on the internet and automatically start believing it instead of forming her own opinions.

At the same time, she claims she's 100% originality...
oh yeah.

People call her a hippie, but fuck, she brings it on herself. She buys shirts that say 'hippie' and such on them.

She says it bothers her that they call her that, but I know it's for attention.

I really dislike her sometimes, but she's okay. This is Ali by the way.

So, today was one of those days when I just kind of float through, pretending like none of this is happening.

That's what I've come to love about routine, it becomes second nature, so there is no need to think. You just do it.

I wish I could tell you all that I feel so much better now. That I had some sort of epiphany and feel like my old self again, but I can't. Because I don't, and there's no use in lying to a bunch of strangers.

I was trying to read some more a little while ago. I think with poetry you have to be in the mood to read it.

Earlier Bukowski's harsh words and mean undertones sounded like butterflies and rainbows to me.

I think I'll read before I go to sleep. That seems to put me in a relaxing mood.

A friend read this journal yesterday, she told me she was always there for me to vent to. Even if it be via email. She said she knew exactly how I felt, and that she could tell I was an intelligent person.

She has no idea how much that meant to me.

That's all for now.

Quote of the Day:
~"Don't try"~
-written on Bukowski's tombstone.

I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind when I clicked on 'add entry.' Now I really don't know where to start or how to even say what I was thinking.

Which is kind of how it always is. A friend tried to get me to open up to him, to tell him my problems and all that bothers me. I just told him a little. About as much as I put in this journal.

It was an awkward stop-stalling conversation, I didn't know how to say how I felt. I didn't know where to stop, or end, or pause, I didn't know anything.

I ended up just feeling worse.

Last night I tried telling someone something, well, I was seeking advice more than anything.

They didn't understand at all. I gave up. It was funny though because they didn't say 'please tell me, I'm worried about you' it was more like 'please tell me, I feel like a bad friend'

Because it's always about how you feel, right? When I sit here and listen to all your damn problems, give you as much advice as I can, knowing you will throw it all to the wind. I don't do it because it makes me feel like a 'good friend' I do it because I want people to feel better, I want others to be happy.

Is it so hard to return that favor? Just once?

This has nothing to do with what I meant to write in here..

My mother asked me again today if I need to be put on anti-depressants. She said it in a jokingly manner, but that's just how she deals with uncomfortable things.

I know she's just trying to help, but it just makes me feel worse. She tries to comfort me, but I just want left alone.

I think people are sometimes too focused on finding the 'one.' That person that will supposedly make them complete, instead they forget about life. They ignore all the beauty around them, and when they don't find that 'one' as quickly as they hoped to, they become depressed and upset.

If people would stop being so obsessed with finding a whole other person to complete them, and just complete themselves life would be a lot happier.

The 'one' shouldn't complete you, they should compliment you.

I guess I don't really make sense anymore. Finding the 'one' has nothing to do with how I feel now, it's just a random thought that was lingering in my mind and happened to pour itself out of my fingers, onto these sorry keys.

Sorry readers.

Have I always been this down? Was I just able to ignore more easily before? What's wrong with me?

I keep telling myself this is just some teenage angst and will be gone by tomorrow. And every morning I wake up feeling no better than the night before.

This is useless.

Quote of the Day:
~"Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."~
--Mark Twain

Please humanity, stop giving me signs to give up on you, and instead give me something to believe in. To see something someone said, and think to myself 'wow, they have __.' [insert, wit, intellect, compassion, etc]

Instead I am littered by statements that have little substance. People trying to be witty, trying to cut others down, while simultaneously making fools of themselves.

[yes, something sparked this thought]

Example. [these are comments from a cover of modest mouse that I really enjoy]


*Person 1* (1 week ago) Show Hide
bukowski clearly said "dont try"
Why would you instult him like that!??!?

*person 2* (1 week ago) Show Hide
Try putting your l's in the right place sometime. It's fun. For real.

Person 1 was rude in the first place, but person 2 made a fool of himself by telling him to use l's correctly, when Person 1 had actually messed up the t...

I'm sorry for such a weak example, but I'm not going to type out conversations I've had with people lately. Not only would that take too long, but they wouldn't be the original context, thus ridding itself of the moment.

I gave up on even speaking today. I'm not an extremely talkative person anyways, but today I just cut it out altogether.

I kept getting the 'what's wrong?'s and the 'your awfully quiet's. These statements were coming from the people that usually pour shit out of their mouths instead of actual words.

I counted how many times Ali complained to me, and also how many times she initiated conversation with a complaint.

Total complaints: 38
Initiations: 9

I have 4 classes with her not counting lunch. I think those numbers speak for themselves.

There are so many people like that. It's not even the complaining, it's the way they complain.

It's not like they are seeking advice, or merely venting. They are whining.

Especially with Ali, I mean, she has a pretty great life. Her mom is a bitch, but apart from that she is spoiled rotten by her 'daddy'[yes, she seriously still calls her father daddy...is that weird to anyone else?]

Today she was complaining that she didn't get an A on a paper because she forgot her name. [it was an essay we had to do in world history]

I was angry with my grade as well, but I didn't sit there and bitch about it.

Forgetting her name was her own fault, that's the first thing your suppose to do, we've been told that since 1st grade.

For my paper I got marked down 7 for bad handwriting. Which put me one point away from an A. It's not that I care about making straight A's because I don't. It's that I put a lot of thought into that paper, and I really honestly tried. Which I rarely do in most classes.

I told mrs. p I needed to type it, that I'd write out my rough draft and then type it so she would know I didn't c/p. She refused, I told her she wouldn't be able to read it, I knew she wouldn't.

She told me to write neater. So I wrote as neat as possible. It's my fault my sister got my mom's handwriting and I got my father's? sorry.

At first I figured that was just her main criticism, which was fine as long as I fucked something else up. So I asked, 'is this all that was wrong, was anything irrelevant?' she said something like, 'no, it was all relevant, I just couldn't read it.'

It was only out of 75 so getting marked down 7 points dropped me a bit.

I guess I was mostly angry because I got dropped a whole letter grade for bad penmanship, it's not like I can just change my writing, if I could I would.

[I apologize for the venting]

So I'm sitting there with a lower grade then what I deserve because my handwriting is shit, and Ali is complaining she didn't get her precious A because she forgot her name.

It was her own fault. Get over it.

Maybe I just let people get to me, I don't know. It just seems like the more I try to ignore people complaining the more they do it.

Someone actually complained for me today. yeah..

It was in world history, they looked at my paper, and starting voicing how unjust it was. They hadn't read the paper, they just looked at what she wrote.

Because I don't speak or bitch constantly like you do, does not under any circumstance mean you need to do it for me.

[you: not the reader | you: the moron in my w/h class]

I hope this all lightens up soon.

[I apologize for all my pessimistic entries lately. Then again, I'm sure there is someone out there who is just giddy reading this, because this a sort of drama, a personal drama so to say, and people seem to love that.]

Quote of the Day:
~"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."~
--Albert Einstein

Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People
Mediocre People

[someone shoot me?]
[please.]

I want it to be warm out. Good god I'm sick of all this rain.

It rained pretty much all break.

I want to be able to go outside without getting drenched, or having my hands feel like they are about to fall off they're so cold.

I never really have a whole lot to say on here anymore.

I really really want to go swimming. I love swimming, even though it sucks in a way because I have really fair skin so I'm easily sun burned.

I just want to be outside, I miss being outside so much. Even though I really don't care for fishing, I like to tag along because the fishing place my friend goes to is way out in the middle of nowhere. We have a secret pond. (you can't really see/find it unless you know where it is)

It's so nice and quiet out there. I love it. Even though I would never swim there, because eek, that's kind of scary.

It's still nice to just walk around out there. We were going to go last weekend because it was nice all afternoon, then it just starts pouring down rain.

So, I've been reading about cults a lot. Yeah, I go from serial killers to cults..haha.

Oh well, anyways. I've been reading about Jonestown, I really want to check out the book about it. Looking at the pictures of the bodies is so eerie, but at the same time so fascinating.

Just imagine being there. Or better yet, being one of the people that left and were on the plane with senator Ryan (I think he was sen.) You think you are set free, that you will no longer be tortured and commanded. Then bam! Peoples Temple members come (people you used to know and live with!) and shoot your plane down, killing the man that could have just saved your life.

Then back at camp, kids are being forced to drink cyanide, and anyone that refuses gets beat, if you try to run into the jungle, you're shot.

There's like 5 surviving members, one of them lied down in a ditch pretending to be dead. You'd think more people would do that.

I mean out of 909 people, who would notice if you were still breathing. If you were smart enough you'd hardly breath.

The sheer number of it is what's so amazing. The fact that they didn't revolt. I mean, there were a few who did, but they were either beaten or pressured by the crowd.

This is just another way religion is a form of mind control. I'm not bashing religious people or anyhting, I'm just saying, religion is the easiest way to control people.

Quote of the Day:
~"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can."~
---Julius Caesar


(I had no intentions of writing about cults..hahah. I don't know how my thoughts turned onto that.)

I'm so out of it tonight.

I had an extremely difficult conversation with an old friend lat night. He was able to pinpoint a major problem in my life without me saying a word.

I was so shocked, I nearly admitted to everything that's happened, everything I keep locked inside.

As he became angry with the situation, (it wasn't at me, it was at someone else that does something. I'm leaving it at that, you can make whatever connections you wish) I began lying.

I just wanted him to oblivious. Ignorance is bliss, this is something he needs to be ignorant about.

Anyways, I lied to him, he finally believed me. He wants to meet up this weekend.

I know I'm going to get questioned a lot.

I know I'm going to breakdown, I'm fearful of telling him everything. I'm fearful of having so much trust in one person.

I almost want to blow him off, but i can't.

I'm so apprehensive, I'm shakey, I can hardly type, I can't think straight, I'm spacing out, I'm scared..

I wish I could explain this all right now, to all you strangers. I wish I could, but I just can't.

Lately everyone has been unloading their drama onto me. Not in a rude way, more like seeking my help.

Someone I was close with a long while ago confessed his 'love' for me. What the hell?

No.

He doesn't love me, he doesn't know what love is. We argued about it last night until about 3am. He's now blocked from everything....again.

Before he was blocked because he was just a jackass. Now I just don't want to deal with his attention seeking bullshit.

On to other things. Another close friend has been really depressed lately. I've been there for him as much as I can, but I can only give so much help. I'm not a professional.

He's finally agreed to see someone. I really hope he does, and doesn't just lie to me.

He was hesitant at first because of what friends would thing. But if a friend's opinion changed because you are in therapy then they were never friends at all.

There have been others that I give advice to, and act as a vent for. Which I love, you know, I love helping them out.

I've just lost myself in all of this. I feel so worn out from it all.

I looked up Arnol (the one who moved without a goodbye.) on myspace. I added him to msn, after affirming I was Kat about three times.

I'm happy to have him back in my life, but part of me feels really hesitant. I'm not sure why. Before he left he was one of my closest friends.

He looks good though, like he's lost a bit of weight. I hope he's happy.

I painted today, it was more like a tester. I was just messing with some ideas.

I feel like there's a lot of weight on my shoulders. To help all these kids out. I want to help them more than anything, I want to dedicate my life/career to helping people.

However, right now I'm wondering, 'am I strong enough to take on other's problems? do I have any room to give them advice when I'm fucked up myself?"

I've wanted to be a psychiatrist since 4-5th grade. So what? 4-5 years now this is what I've wanted to do with my life. I'm so scared I'm going to go through all that schooling and find out it's not my calling after all.

I want to just go get lost in the woods. Just escape all of this. All of these people, all of these problems. All of my problems. All of these thoughts.

There have been a lot of things on my own minds to be honest. A lot of things that make no sense to me. A lot of feelings that I shouldn't be feeling at all.

I thought I really wanted something, and now it could possibly be happening, and I'm second guessing everything.

I wish I could just be certain on one thing in my life, just one thing. That's all I ask.

I want to help people so badly...but is it me who needs help? I act so calm and cool on the outside, but inside I'm this nervous mess. I've given up on so many things in life already, why not just add this?

It's just a career, I could do something that's much more easy. Less schooling, less money to pay. Less debt to be in.

I'm not even sure anymore.

Sometimes I think I take on all these people's problems to divert my attention from my own. I bottle so much shit up.

I tell one person one secret, another person another one, but I never tell anyone the complete story.

I just don't think they'd want to listen. Or even care. They wouldn't have any advice for me.

Like most people, they'd just turn the conversation back to themselves.

Forgive me for being so pessimistic lately, I've been really down about the human race as a whole.

There's maybe (maybe) 4 people I really enjoy talking to lately. That seems so sad to me.

A lot of nights I block all the kids who annoy me on my list, there's usually on three left, our of like 15-17 people.

Damn..I need to lighten up.

Go listen to Driver Side Impact-The Reason We Sleep

The way he yells WE'VE FOUND A CURE! is grand. It's like a raspy yell. I love it.

Quote of the Day:
~"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."~
--Mahatma Gandhi

To Jacklyn: (sorry other readers)

Okay, good. haha.

Mine is set as blue too, haha. I used to always have it as the red one.

And hey, If memory serves last time I told you to add me via msn you said you had aim. Well, my aim is mimsywasi@aim.com if you want to add me.

Same goes for anyone else who wants to add me.

Sorry again to anyone who reads this.

~no quote~

Agh, Jacklyn. Your journal is private. =[

You're one of the only ones I keep up with.

So much for my runs, I've enjoyed running the past two days [I think?..maybe three?]

It's snowing. Not like a light snow, it's coming down in sheets. Gr.

For Easter I got a picture frame [for my cats..haha.], Hershey's bar, Reese's, haiku perfume, lotion, shower gel (all haiku scented), and a candle. It all came in this neat basket. [I collect baskets and boxes..only neat ones though. I have an awesome box for nail polishes, it looks like it's from the seventies.]

Well, I enjoyed my running while it lasted. I guess I'll just have to continue waiting for it to warm up.

I really hate when people don't have table manners. If they're kidding around it's okay, but if they are just disgusting it really bothers me.

I was invited to a friend's house to eat easter dinner [lunch really.] and pretty much their whole family chewed with their mouths open. They chomped and slurped their food. It was awful.

Maybe I'm just too proper..I don't know.

The other day I went to lunch with Ali, she kept saying how I was so ladylike and proper. How my table manners were immaculate. I don't really think they are.

I'm just not a slob.

Hm, pet peeves..

"gry. ru yd. EafS


Edit: That said Quote of the Day: and fuck firefox

It switches my keys around..

Actual Quote of the Day:
~Every positive value has its price in negative terms... the genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima."~
--Pablo Picasso

ugjt ucp.urqv

Spring break started this afternoon. 2:05.

I can't wait to kick it off tonight, kick what off? My runs..oh god, how I've missed them. It's been warmer out. I hope it stays warm. I hope I'm able to run every night. If somehow it starts raining before sunset I will go absolutely mad. And I'm not talking about some tea party here.

I've been waiting so long for it to warm back up, I've been dying for spring. Here it is, at last.

A time to clear my mind, a time to rid myself of excess energy, a time to love the moment.

I've had a major headache the last two days, it's finally letting up. That must be some sort of sign.

Tonight I'm even going to give myself a special treat, something I rarely allow myself to do. (yea, don't expect much..) I'm going to run to the old park and swing on the swing set. I know that seems plain silly, but I always tell myself 'twenty more minutes and you can' but by then I'm back home.

Tonight I'm going to take time out for myself. I'm actually counting down the minutes, even though there's no certain time I run. It will probably be around nine. It's 5:45 now. 3 hours and 15 minutes. I can't wait.

it feels like my skin is about to jump off, I'm so excited. I haven't done this in ages it feels.

I re-organized everything in my tote, locker, and my room. Everything now has a proper place. I have post it notes (the tiny ones you stick in books) To mark what goes where. I have my small library of books in alphabetical order. I felt a lot better after I did that.

Okay, that's enough for today. I'll try to post more in the future.

Quote of the Day:
~"A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. "~
-E. E. Cummings

(I've been reading some of his stuff. I'm patiently waiting for my Bukowski book to arrive. I'm also waiting the arrival of my new glasses and Alice in Wonderland necklace. (Alice from the book, not Disney.))

For the first time in a long time I thought about ending everything.

I didn't look at the idea with guilt, sympathy, or slight happiness like I use to. I just felt nothing.

Part of my mind said, 'hey, that'll be a righteous adventure.'

So then I thought of all the reasons to stay.

8 people, 2 cats, some random things I enjoy.

Why should I even stay here. Humans are the worst race in the animal kingdom. We are awful.

The vast majority of us are morons who can't think for ourselves. For every intelligent/charming/caring individual there 10 others waiting to go around fucking things up, then blaming it on other humans.

The other intelligent ones are arrogant/or/immature assholes.

There's about three people that really understand me. That I don't dumb myself down for. I've never met two of them.

Humans are selfish greedy bastards.

Hinduism says if you are bad in your first like then you come back as an animal. Well yippee make me a fucking turtle for all I care. I just don;t want to be human.

After that you become a plant; not as fun, but still fun. I might be a venus fly trap.

Then an object; okay that sucks, but I don't see how you could fuck up being a plant.

I'm getting off subject.

Society just sucks, we are a shitty group of people. We need a cause, a world war, a major collapse in the economy, a global environmental emergency. Something!

The people who are smart and genuinely good people get rejected by the vast majority of idiots, so that talking to them becomes an awkward mess.

Then they grow up and are pretty awesome, most likely wealthy, but we won't know them then. And you know what they'll do? They'll marry some dumb broad who was the same bitch shunning some smart kid for his iq.

What has happened to us?

I'm sorry..I'm just ranting. I can't help it anymore, I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of these people, I'm sick of all of it.

Quote of the Day:
~"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."~
-F Scott Fitzgerald

(don't worry kiddys I'm not going anywhere. These are just thoughts, not plans.)

I hate to do this, but this really just got me.

"I'm a hypocrite, I know, because I first heard about them from Misery Business being played on MuchMusic, but come on, they've got a whole other album that I think is better than Riot! - Pressure is a really catchy and good song."

-Schlechter Penguin


I hate to tell you, but Pressure was their first big hit. Sorry. They got hyped before/during warped tour. That was the song everyone liked/was overplayed.

Next time you are trying to tell people there are better songs then the singles, pick a song that isn't already a single. Thanks.

I don't care for Paramore, but this just annoyed me.


Quote of the Day:
~"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money"~
-Pablo Picasso

(haha, I find my quote thing is catching on..I like seeing other people's versions of it.)
sarcasm. I couldn't live without it. :]

Ahem-

It has been brought to my attention that I have been caught cheating.

Is that so?

05. eye color: Blue (Quit_Lollygagging copied off me, cheater cheater punkin eater. :P)

Too bad I am older.

April 17>July 20

Yea, I just won.
(haha)

Onto more important news.

The wombatians have been planning for an attack on the west sanctum of Hell. The TKers have been making preparations for the brutal battle.

The wombatians have been known to fight dirty; therefore, the TKers are sending out the dirtiest of dirty whores out to fight on the front lines. The wombatians won't know what hit them when these savages bitches come out.

The TKers are declaring certain victory, the wombatians stand no chance.

Leading the battle will be second in command TKer, Kim.

(First in command TKer Kat is busy kicking some trendy's teeth in)

In other news. Hell has been undergoing some changes from when Satan ran it.

We have yet to decide upon a new flag, but a theme song has indeed been chosen. It is iron&wine's teeth in the grass.

(if you haven't checked iron&wine out, do so now, or face some serious teeth kicking) thanks to Camden for showing me))

All filthys will now be wearing their badges to alert TKers they are tainted and kick worthy. The badges will be smiles, missing the two front teeth.

Two cages have been brought into the filthys' section of Hell. The cages are for two unnamed filthys. (named thing 1 & thing 2)

As for the rest of the filthys they will be immediately sent to the line of on duty TKers. Any filthy found on the TKers side of Hell will be severely punished.

(ps. sorry to anyone who read this, it won't make any sense no matter how many times you read it. It's an inside joke.)

TKers for life.


~no quote~


(what the fuck? This is the third time I've tried to post this??)

It's warmed up, yesterday it was nice and I walked home.

Every year I get spring fever. I'm not really a big outdoors person, but spring makes me want to spend ever moment outside.

Even though it will probably get cold again, I have the fever.

I opened all the blinds and have the back door open, so the glass door lets all the light in.

I can't wait until it's warm enough for me to run again. I miss running.

Spring is so grand, It's just like a new beginning. Yes, the first of the year is during winter, but I don't think the year really starts over until spring.

Everything starts over then, it's all renewed.

Winter gives nature a blank canvas, and spring paints the most beautiful pictures on it.

It's going to be really hard to pay attention in class this year. It's normally a struggle during spring, but this year I can tell it will be really hard.

Every year around this time I just sit in class staring out the window wishing I could just be outside.

If I were a teacher I'd allow outside class. Just a few times, as a treat.

Then again, I'm sure there would be someone to complain.

Oh well, no one can rain on my spring parade.

It's amazing how just one season can make me so happy.

Quote of the Day:
~"Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar"~
-Pablo Picasso

P.S.

I bought this Alice in Wonderland dvd yesterday. It's from 1988, the voices are scary but the illustrations are neat.

In Van Gogh's 'The Harvest' he depicts crops and farm land. If you have ever read 'the high yellow note' you will understand this very well. If not, well, bear with me.

The high yellow note comes from the time of day it was when he'd paint. The sun was high up in the sky making the crops shine so brightly.

Early in the morning around 4 am. .(summer time) there is the most beautiful shade of blue right before sunrise. It's light but it's dark, it feels low and smooth. It's so subtle and wondrous.

It only lasts about 15 minutes though. For that short time it feels as though the whole world just stops. It's so great.

I call it The Low Blue Note.

I remember staying with Tany in the summer. She lives on a lake. Her side porch leads down to a sandy hill going to the water. There is a small deck back there. I remember staying up all night with her and some other friends and then just slipping outside for those 15 beautiful minutes, sitting on the steps of the deck and just staring up.

Some days I'd set an alarm and sneak downstairs to watch it, her dad would be up some days. He'd have coffee made. It was odd, though I remember drinking coffee beside him during that time, I don't recall ever speaking to him.

I remember just looking up in the sky and feeling so surrounded and comforted by the low blue note. Staring up at the endless sky, it was so calming.

I'd finish my coffee and go back to sleep.

Those were the most peaceful nights I'd have, after my fifteen minutes with the sky.

If you are ever outside around 4 in the morning, just look up and see the black fade to navy, and turn into the low blue note.

Maybe you won't enjoy like I do, but it really is beautiful.

Quote of the Day:
~"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."~
--Vincent Van Gogh

Cause And Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them

Joel annoys me so deeply. I never say anything to him about it. It's not worth it. If I go to delete him from MSN I feel so endlessly bad about it.

I'm too empathetic all I can think is 'what if that happened to me, I would feel really rejected and bad.'

So, I don't delete him. I'm nice to him, if he talks to me I talk back.

It's funny though he has no idea how much I dislike him. He thinks I like him so much, and he acts so arrogant about it.

He tries to make me jealous by his girlie friend. I can't help but laugh though, she's such an ogre. He goes on and on about how pretty she is and such.

I just sit back and laugh. If only he knew what a fool he makes of himself.

He thinks of me as naive and stupid. He thinks I have no experience in life at all. When in reality I have lived so much more than he has.

Perhaps it is wrong that I let him make a fool of himself day after day. I don't care though, he has become my own personal jester.

He just doesn't know it.

Quote of the Day:
~“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.”~
-Charles Bukowski

(yes, I'm getting into Bukowski again. The poem was by him, by the way.)

Something has gotten into me lately.

I want it out, now.

My stomach drops to someone who it should most defiantly not drop to, there is nothing there , there will be nothing there, it is implausible, unrealistic, and I respect this person very much.

I can't sleep. I can't eat, when I do have enough of an appetite to eat I feel disgusting. (not in like an 'I'm so fat, thing, because I'm not.)

I'm twitchy, shakey, nervous, anxious, all of the above. I can barely type. I can't even win a game of solitaire or chess because I make foolish decisions.

I feel impulsive and spazzy. I can't hold still. I'm tapping, I'm counting, I'm making lists..I'm moving.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel a little crazy to be honest. I get goose flesh all the time. It's annoying and I can't make it stop.

I feel cold when I'm over heated. I have headaches constantly.

What has gotten into me?

Quote of the Day
~"Colour is the key. The eye is the hammer. The soul is the piano with its many chords. The artist is the hand that, by touching this or that key, sets the soul vibrating automatically."
-Wassily Kandinsky

It's funny how we always talk about loved ones that have left in past tense.

Even if they aren't fully gone yet. I noticed that tonight.

Is it because we think that they are already gone, so they are part of the past, that they will become part of the past. Making them past tense though would make them dead. ie; he was the only one I cared for..etc..

Has he died? Did he take a trip somewhere and never return? No, that's doubtful. They are still there.

Perhaps it's just because they are gone to us, they aren't apart of our lives anymore or we aren't apart of theirs. Either way, we still past tense them.

Is that like a final thing, to past tense someone.

I hereby past tense you. Begone.

Hm...

Quote of the Day:
~I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it"~
-Pablo Picasso

(I guess I can use quotes I've already used now. Sine none of you can look back if it bugs you..unless you saved my journal on your computer somehow..which would be weird.

I wonder who I'm talking to since I used the term 'you' Yes, you there..behind the computer..did you save my journal somehow? No?...okay good...

It's way too late at night..why can't I just be tired?)

I deleted all my entries. I was sick of seeing all of them. I was tired of the temptation to look at old ones and think back to a time when I was happier.

I will be happy now. I will live in the present and only the present. (or at least try.)

I had a pretty good day. I told Camden I would let things go and have a good day. I did it! I'm rather proud that I let go so easily.

I had a snow day today. I'm also having one tomorrow. It's nice to have school off, but there is no snow to play in.. just ice.

Have a great week everyone.

Quote of the Day:
~"You mustn't always believe what I say. Questions tempt you to tell lies, particularly when there is no answer. "
-Pablo Picasso


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[agent Octavia]me
[agent Hughes]him