the parents found the facebook- so now i'm leaving the SM and the Gmail and the Glogster.

Sorry, all.

be back in two years, i promise.

have to move out before i come back for good.

Imogen- special apology to you- I'm gonna miss you terribly but i don't know if i can really tell my parents that i've been talking to a new zealander that i've never met. i'll contact as i can but it won't be much.
i hope you can forgive me for it.
if you want to stay in touch that would be fantastic, but i'm not sure how to manage it.
in two years i'll be free of the rents, but that's a long time to wait.
i'm sorry =[ miss you already.

so goodbye, everyone.

so long and goodnight.

apologies for the brief stint on private.
just a misunderstanding.

party was last night, and it was indeed a bash.
very fun, i think everyone enjoyed it.

i didn't really talk to anyone, but that's all right.
i was laughing and running around the whole time, so i think that works as a good substitute.
epic dodgeball and volleyball games.

i am so dead today though, absolutely worn out.

but lunch tomorrow should be fun, since a lot of people in that lunch were at the party.

the plan is to talk by the 26th.
i know most of you that read this think it's way too large a window, but as C was saying last night, you have to wait for the right moment...
and the way we talk that could take the full 26-day window.
=/.

well, we'll see, i suppose.
[[i say that every time, don't i?]]

...and then i forgot it.
oh well.

gave out invitations today.
i'm pretty excited, it's going to be quite the bash.

i'm pretty sure he has to call me now.
kind of sad how excited i am about that...

and i guess i'm obvious.
i handed it to him, and then HM and i went our way and he his.
ensuing convo with her:
HM: what is it? love note?
me: no.
HM: love note?
me: no, invitation.
HM: you like him.
me: it's true...

apparently the way i smiled after giving it to him was kind of a tip-off.
and somehow she didn't remember us going to semi together.

i dunno.
i should talk to him, shouldn't i?
i keep saying that, but i never do it.
oh well.

i will eventually...

now that i know what that is, i'm totally using it.

i am heels-over-head crazy about this boy.

it's insane.

after saturday night...

movie and dinner with the group.
but i couldn't get him out of my head.
sat across from him at dinner, and apparently we "zoned out"...
zoned as in not really paying attention to anyone else.

i got his number too.
snipe!

i want him to ask me out, i think.
very much so.
i just want to be around him, i can't stop thinking about him, and now i'm seeing him everywhere...
not really seeing him, more...picturing.
but all the same.

it's gotten so bad.

i really should talk to him, but i'm scared of it.
but really, what's the worst that can happen?
...buuut it's not going to happen.
naturally.
because i'm a wimp when it comes to this.

ah well...
c'est la vie.

the giraffe is done.

played red rover on tuesday.
R got completely clotheslined.
hilarious, after we made sure she was ok.
it was hard to tell at first if she was laughing or crying.

paper due tomorrow, procrastinating...

today was a good day on all fronts.

hung out with L in painting instead of actually working.
ate lunch outside.
made so much eye contact with him all period.
mmm.
i think i still have a chance.

busy rest of the week, though...
play thursday, perhaps.
battle of the bands friday.
movie saturday.
maybe the carnival somewhere in there.

add into that a history paper, reviewing all my geo stuff for the tests monday and tuesday, whatever other homework i get...

funnn.

but i'm looking forward to it nonetheless.

and i am looking forward so much to next summer.
i'm going to germany.
for six weeks.
six
whole
weeks.
i have never been more excited in my life.

love.

as usual.

i'm thinking in short blurbs today, instead of full ideas.
which is a little unusual.

i lost the train of thought i was going to write about.
reviewing old entries does that to me.

i guess i'll start with friday...
that was a mess.
really inarticulate.
i got tooled on in english for about 20 minutes for some of the opinions i expressed.
felt pretty crappy that afternoon..
then went to RENT friday night.
couldn't shake my bad mood...
alone in a crowd and all.
third wheel, despite the fact that the people i went with are not dating, and that i went with them, not just met them there.
dunno.

saturday was better.

sunday was just frustrating.
english assignment that i couldn't make head or tail of.
but i finally called him and he explained.
and then we talked for a while.
giraffe flu...
good times.

gugh.
party planning is harder than it looks.
especially when there's an awkward triangle.
any combo of 2 is fine, but all three together...
would probably have bad results.
how do i avoid the issue?

and her, too.
i'm sorry, but i really don't want her to come.
it's not that i don't like her.
i'm just fed up with her never having the time for me.
or the decency to make time and an effort.
but if you want her there, i'll turn a blind eye to it.

hm.
i thought this was going to be another incoherent entry, but it actually worked out rather nicely.

i need to convince him to convince him to call me.
might ask him to go to dinner with us all on friday.
if i go to dinner, that is, and if k is ok with me bringing him.
after all, she planned/is planning it.

then movies on the 16th, carnival that weekend.

then mom away for the long weekend after my birthday.

then possibly party the following weekend.

looking forward to it all.

vacation was pretty good.

did a lot of yardwork and have the blisters to show for it.
got a bit of sun.
saw Twilight- shamed to admit it, but i did enjoy it.
books are still better, though.

and today was wonderful...

well, except for the new seats in english.
but i can deal with that.

i ate lunch outside today.
it was gorgeous out, maybe 85 degrees.
sunny and hot.
summery.

i was sitting by myself because my friend disappeared..
then he came and sat with me and we talked about mexico and it was fantastic.
i do so love being around him...

all the doubts i had yesterday and last night are completely gone.
i like him and he definitely likes me.
or why would he have left his little group to sit with just me?

i'm always listening to BLG when i think about him.
such a strong association now...

it'll hurt when/if it ends.
but then again, it might be a reminder of the good times.

and i do so love memories.

first day of vacation and i already have a story.

fell off Romeo this morning.
he spooked, calmed down, then spooked again.
less than 5 minutes into the lesson and i'm on the ground.

now i have a massive headache- unrelated to the fall- and roadrash on my arm; my hip is sore; and i really don't feel too great.

went skating last night.

talked to him on the phone two days in a row.
and i will be getting a postcard from mexico.

played mafia in english, last block friday.
never had such a fun english class.

happy for vacation.

and don't blame me that you didn't just plan to go away for a week.
you're the vacation addict.
i have friends to see at home.
you don't.
not my fault, so don't get all "we could be on vacation" on me.
'cause i don't give a damn.

rant over.

in love with thriving ivory.
amazing album.

not really thinking in any coherent order.
oh well.

field trip to UMA today.
saw GH for the first time in a year.
pretty much assaulted him to give him a hug.
was happy to see him.
didn't get to say goodbye.
wish i had, 'cause he said he's never coming back.
and he's not coming home for the summer either.

i said last year that i might never see him again.
now i know i probably won't.

i wish i had said goodbye.
i had a massive crush on him for 4 years.
ever since i met him.
i think that counts for something.
goodbye would have been nice.

maybe that's why i'm hesitant about J.
because i still like GH, in some form at least.
even though he's out of my league.
even though he's gone.

and speaking of J, since when is he a theater kid?
he was at school when we got back, going to see H and P's play.
i wasn't aware that he went to plays of his own volition.
i thought he usually just tagged along.

i wish he'd asked if i was going to go...

oh well.
i'm gonna see the play on tuesday regardless.

maybe i'll call him tomorrow to see how it was...
but again, of course we all know that won't happen.

long story short, in a pretty crappy mood.

although.
he did almost go outside with me.
but he was headed that direction anyway...
i have no idea what he was doing in the lobby, since we went back to the blackbox and he stayed there.
i dunno.

and when i said i was dizzy- which was true, although it was more lightheadedness than wheestaggerfall dizzy- he sounded really concerned when he asked if i was ok.

i'm probably just making shit up.
i felt guilty all day for being so happy to see G.
i kept thinking of them both, back and forth, back and forth.
i don't know anymore.

i feel like being excited all week to see GH counts as cheating.
even though nothing's official and i'm not bound to anyone.
as much as i like J, more and more i feel like i'm just stringing him along.

i hate this.

I hit 200 entries and didn't even notice.

I was planning to write a huge celebratory entry on it, and I completely missed it!

ah well.

I figure I can be a proper noun for one entry.

I'm feeling rather capital right now anyway. =]

2/3 of Sparta now. Lol.
my friend will be excited when I hit 300 entries.
then he can make all the Sparta jokes he wants.

Peace, Love, and Pineapples. XD

stupid standardized testing.
it's over now, thank god.
three days of boredom and utter uselessness.

no other state has this particular one...
remind me why it's relevant?
it's certainly not going to get me into college.

still haven't talked to him.
should.

"that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head..." ~Sugarcult

i might call him tomorrow.
just for the hell of it.
i've called him every friday for the past two weeks, so i can just say its a habit now to call EVERYONE on friday.
and he just happened to be first on the list.

but of course, i won't.
it's not going to stop me from secretly hoping he'll call me.

well, at least i'm not the only one who isn't acting.
me, him, and E.
all sorta hanging around waiting...

speaking of which, i think- but can't tell for sure- A might like me.
he knows that i don't return it (if it's true), so it's not like he'd be crushed or anything if this works out with J.
BUT.
he keeps saying "that's what i like about you" or "i like you too much to actually hurt you" and stuff like that.
and a while ago i was talking to him about this thing with J and how i have no idea what it is- and he was like, "well, sometimes you just stay friends. and sometimes its better that way, 'cause you're friends for longer."
i dunno.
just these little nagging things.
like, aside from H and L, i'm the only girl he hugs on a regular basis.
and he hovers horribly.
my one main tip-off is the hovering.

gugh. that was quite the rant.
i dunno- guys are not my thing.

hope for once though.
and for that i'm glad.
one of us really needs to make a move, though.

should prolly get my butt in gear and just get it over with.
but wishing he'd ask me is just so much easier...

it's raining.
suits my mood.

just read an amazingly depressing book.
such a familiar story...

kate-sara-will.
elena-dora-jimmy.
me-C-J.

it's the same story, again and again and again.
to varying degrees, yes.
but it's more or less the same.

i need you to read this.
maybe understand my side of it.

maybe open things up again between us.

you look so much better now.
i hope you are.
i hope i'm not just believing a show.

i wonder how things really are...

we lost yesterday, 96 to 92.
we should have had that.

i guess it doesn't matter, though.
regardless of the score, we outperformed them, and that's all that matters.
we can always take States next year.
and i really hope we shall.

in other news...
kicking myself for missing so many chances.

maybe this friday?

someone's going to have to make me do this.
it's not that i don't want to know; i just don't want to start a potentially awkward conversation.
i'm not really sure where i want to take this yet, either.

i don't know what he wants either.

and once again i wish i had a clue...
which is why i really should talk to him.

it's just so much fun going around in circles.

two wins away from the state championship.

i want it so bad.

that would be fucking amazing.

too excited to even think of anything else.

so scared, too.

god.

i'm wondering if i lied last night.

it was true then.
but maybe not so much now...
not sure.

it's not like i really have a right to be bothered by it though.
not my call.

i dunno.
parties always leave me a little depressed the next morning.

maybe i'm just lying to myself.

i have to call him about cookies, apparently.
well, a whole bunch of people.
and he is one of them.

i don't really want to talk to him right now...

and you had no idea why we were there?
and you and the teacher both gave us funny looks?
and it was hilarious?
and then we had story time?

i kinda like you, kid.
you kinda made my day.
=]

i wish you knew that.
i wish i knew what you have in mind.

"you know i wish that i [was]"...
but you know the rest of the song.

"you think i haven't already considered that?"

i'm not as head over heels for him as i was for the previous one.
for any of the others, actually.

i'm not sure if that's good or bad.

i can't maintain eye contact with him.
it's not that i don't want to.
i physically can't.
too scared i'll give it away too much.

but what would i be giving away?
he already knows.
perhaps it'd be a sign to him, and maybe...

wishful thinking.

but i want him to so much...

tomorrow is a month to the day since semi.
and i still don't know what's going on.

i really like his eyes, have i mentioned that?

i'm ok with him taking his time.
that's fine.
but the longer we dance around it in no-man's land, the more reasons i come up with to be scared away.

gugh.

i wish i knew what he was thinking about all this.
that would help.

* * * * * * * *
i think i have separation anxiety.
whenever i have no one to talk to, i get all depressed...

except for when i actually want to be alone.
so maybe not...

* * * * * * * *
and i miss you.
there's a lot i'd like to tell you about all this, but it just feels so awkward, considering.
i thought i was the one getting replaced.
i was wrong.
i'm sorry.
[[i don't want it to be like this]]

* * * * * * * *
i haven't been home alone in a month, at least.
i hate her always being here.
i'm so on-guard all the time.
it sucks.

* * * * * * * *
fun weekend ahead...
shitloads of homework and projects. and a paper. yay.
[[oh, the joys of sarcasm.]]

the only fun thing that's not part of my normal weekend will be going to B's on Saturday.
i <3 adiron.
we're gunna cowrite something together, and work on a new song, and generally have a good time.
and maybe i'll actually be able to sing in front of people...

we'll see.
on all counts, we'll see.

so they're official.

i was kinda surprised how quick that was too.
but what am i gonna do about it?

you gotta admit, they're pretty cute together.
but then, so were you.

anyway.

we won today, now we're three-and-oh.
we go on to the next round- scary coin toss. agh.
8 out of ten for me- not a bad score. better next time.

he was rly cute today, idk why.
he cleans up good.
haha.
i still have to figure out where things stand, though.

i guess we'll sorta double to Angels tomorrow night.
kinda excited.
kinda scared.
good scared though.

and these Magical Traveling Pants are definitely lucky.
T's mum is more or less out of the woods, we won, i'm feeling good about this whole thing with JP...
yeah.
good day.

aside from the heels.
but hey, that's life.

frieden, liebe, und ananas. zu alle.

i have a lot to post on, don't i?

semi was great.
he actually went.
we danced and it wa really fun.

this was saturday night.
nothing further's been said/done, but i'm going to try to hang out with him over vacation.
yay.

panda bear is convinced he's been "looking" at me.
and R said that they looked at each other and smiled while i was reading Antony's soliloquy and that he then got "awkward".

dunno...

E is going to ask him how he thought semi went.
i like getting both sides of a story.
so what of a little.. spying?.. is involved...

in other news, the team is 2 for 2.

i compete in two weeks... nervous as hell.
my cross sucks.
haha.

and my ceramics project is an epic win. =]

life's pretty good- can't complain.
for once.
yay!

i am the happiest girl alive.

well, for now anyway.

i finally asked him to semi...
and if he was actually going, he would have said yes.
as is he's going to his aunt's.
which sucks for me.
but... i'm still happy that he'd have said yes.
it's a step.

*happy dance* =]

i do feel bad for "Joe" though...
he'll get over it though.
and "Francesca" (lol) will get her chance.

i wish both of us luck.

yay!!

i have no idea what to do.

"Joe" and "Bob".
"Bob" and "Joe".
and me.

I like "Bob".
"Joe" likes me.
"Bob"-"Joe"-"Bob"-"Joe".

ugh.
less than a week to make a decision.
and then a few days to act.
[[or not.]]

"Joe" hovers.
i never really noticed how annoying that was.
i do the same thing to people i like- constantly position myself near them, even if i'm not facing them.
but i'm almost sure that "Bob" was hovering the other night as well..

stuck in the middle.
I want to ask "Bob" to semi.
But I don't want to hurt "Joe" by asking "Bob".
god, what a mess.
this time i was thrown into it rather than making it myself...

and T, i hope i'm not the one you're referring to.
i don't want anything to happen that would shatter our possey any further.

and as to today's issue, i'm going to keep my mouth shut this time.
keep myself out of trouble.
let's try that for once.
see how it goes.

that might be more damage than i can handle to cause.

it might be okay if it were spread out, but to one person?
i don't think i can do that.

as i see it though, better 60% than 100.
and 100% is the damage he'll get if i wait.

i didn't ask for this!

why?

because i'm too good at hiding Bad Carmen.
[[Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants reference. yay.]]
Bad Carmen only comes out around the girls.
and guys that i really hate.
not him...
Good Carmen, yes.
Slightly Naughty Carmen, yes.
but Bad Carmen, no.

he doesn't know me well enough to like me that way.

i've got to set him straight somehow...

semi is two weeks away.
whee.

one catch though-
i have a sinking feeling that one of the guys i know likes me.
you know, in that way.
and while that's flattering, it's not a good thing.

the guy that shouldn't like me seems like he does.
the one that i like seems like he thinks i'm an idiot.

aren't people wonderful?

and while we're all counting, i'd just like to throw it out there that i have none thus far, none that are personally and purposefully inflicted.

* * * * * * * *
why does hearing the happy stories make me so damn depressed?

and i found out a few days ago, i am completely and totally over him.
i brought up something we had talked about while we were together. i remembered that it had been then but there were no twinges of "i shouldn't have said that" or "god i miss it", and it was actually funnier now that it was back then.
so i'm good.
completely and totally good.
and yesterday would have been our one year.
but i don't care.
i'm glad it's over.
a year from asking and nine months from ending, i am totally over it.
yay.
=]

i don't know who sings that song but that's pretty much how i feel right now.

i wish i could bring myself to delete all my old entries and start over, because everything i post just gets me in trouble.

i think that i've been more miserable this weekend than i've been in a long time.

i need to just stop talking.
everything i say is wrong.
and even if it's true when i say it, the truth is gone five minutes later.
that makes me fickle and a liar, doesn't it?

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
just don't let me say anything ever again, ok?
if i try to talk just tell me to shut up.
nothing i say is important anyway.

i bet i'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
and then tomorrow everything will be better.
and this entry will be yet another lie to add to the list.

i'm my own worst enemy
i've given up
i'm sick of feeling
is there nothing you can say?
take this all away
i'm suffocating
tell me what the fuck is wrong
with me

lost ANOTHER entry due to lack of subject.
grr.

deleted my last entry.
it caused more trouble than the catharsis was worth.

and T and K, please don't tell D i'm here.
i don't need him knowing- i don't trust him the way you guys do.

and you, well, you completely missed the point, i think.
no one ever picks up on what they're supposed to in my posts.

am i really that vague?

everyone always gets sick when i'm supposed to do something with them.
is it my luck?
or is it an excuse they all use to get out of it?

well, nevermind.
i'm just wallowing.

i promised her i wouldn't look for it.
it's getting progressively harder not to...

i've been replaced by a blog and another friend.

i guess i had it coming.

they basically planned it at my house- and no one invited me.
guess i had good reason to feel miserable that night.

forget it.
the only reason i let myself wallow is so someone will notice.
i'm never happy unless i'm the center of attention...

and you don't know how much this is hurting me...

i'm far too attached.
so proud of being an individual, but i'm really not.
far too dependent.

and sometimes i wonder if it would be easier on me to just stop talking to her, but i know i never could...

should i tell her?

..that he's Will's parallel?
..that I changed my mind, and I'm going to do it no matter what they all say?
..that I can't honestly say I fully trust her anymore? (that hurts to admit, don't get me wrong; but her reactions to everything that's been going on are so different than they once would have been.)
..that she's changed so much I hardly know her anymore? (or is it just my perspective that's changed?
..that it hurts to see that this is what it takes to make her happy?
..that i still haven't forgiven us for what we did to her. (which makes the current situation all the more ironic.)


that last she knows, but won't accept.
maybe she doesn't have to, but it doesn't change how it is.

i've been wishing so much lately that things could just go back to how they were.
it feels like so long ago...

we already know who Sara and Kate's parallels are.

well, today i found Will's.

gorgeous gold-brown eyes...
reddish-brown hair...
funniest kid ever...
fits the character description.
maybe not 100%, but close enough. Sara isn't completely perfect either.

and i didn't notice this till i got home, but Sara and Will met each other through their parents.
Their parallels met the same way.

Scary, isn't it?

And knowing what we know about Kate and Will...
A sign, perhaps?

why is everyone cutting?

why can't people just suck it up and get over it?
life may suck for you, but it does for everyone else too.

i know i'm one to talk, considering i've tried.
but i never actually did it.
does that make me stronger for not giving in?
or does it make me weaker, in that i don't have the willpower to do it?

granted, i channel my anger at others, not into myself.
is that safer? less destructive?

i can't handle all this.

I'm turning into Holden Caulfield.
but i already know i can't save everyone.
but i can't stop trying....

is it worth it?
am i worth it?

...do they deserve to be saved?

i had hopes this time.

i was so proud of myself for keeping it a secret.

i was so convinced i would actually do it.

but i don't think i will after all.

it's just not a good idea.
what with them and all.
what with her hating them all.
what with me not wanting to choose a side.
'cause honey, as much as i love you, i do think sometimes you overreact.
i do think that, i'll be honest.
but at the same time, i almost think you deserve to overreact.

i'm making this decision more for her than for me.

...this is a change, right?
thinking of others before myself is good, right?

if putting them first is good, why does it make me feel so bad?

i think i'm seeing a pattern here.
as soon as i get my hopes up, as soon as i decide there's something going for me, as soon as i decide there's a chance-
something comes up that turns the whole thing on its head.

i think there's one person right now that thinks this may end well.

the rest, well...
"you'd be adorable together! but it would never work."
"he'll side with his mom in a minute!"
"i've known for two months..." [and i wasn't the one who told you.. and you won't say who it was. but i have a feeling i know.]

i dunno.

i swear, i'm going to go be a hermit.
then i wouldn't have to deal with this.

why can't things ever work out?
please, just this once, let it work.

i always knew i would back out.
i always knew.

so why did i get myself into it in the first place?

and this catharsis would help more if there was another me that could answer these questions, rather than just the me that asks and doesn't know and doesn't want to hear it.

if you're always invisible so you can screen who you want to talk to...

 

...does that mean you don't want to talk to me?

and i have been wondering lately if...

well, i'm not going to go into it.

it's just a question i've been asking myself lately.

the answer is no, if that matters at all.

 

although, a related question-

is he just a result of being left out of the loop?

an inside source, if you will.

 

or do i just always wonder if i'm going to end up using them? 

are you kidding me?

i lost an entire entry because i didn't enter a subject.

wtf.

aaanyway...

i reread some of my older entries.

i'd forgotten about the.. messes... i got myself into last year.

it's kinda funny in restrospect.

the current mess will be just as funny in a few months. 

the question is whether i will be laughing with or at, eh?

can't wait for tonight, can't wait for tomorrow, can't wait for Friday.

Can't wait for January.

Let's skip Christmas and Thanksgiving anf go straight to New Year's.

I want to be done with waiting <3

 

and PS to Imogen-

your email almost made me cry.

i had no idea i meant that much to you.

love you too =]

how apropos.

well, at least possibly mutual, she thinks.

meh.

well, even if he doesn't, i'm holding up my side of the pact.
unless, by that point, i've moved on.

which isn't unlikely.

* * * * * * * * 

ugh.

my mother is a bitch.

i can't wait till i move out.

and the stupidest things, too... 

the more you want to get over him, the worse it gets.

ick.

he's so off-limits...

she thought i should have asked him to the dance.
she thinks i should ask him out.

i think none of the above.

and no names necessary, right?
those who need to know do.

and she's cool with it, but still...

i hate my life sometimes.

so frustrating.

can't wait to make a fool of myself.
[like i do every time.]

ugh.

it's getting so bad.

it's kinda hard not to though...

and why's it double-spaced now?

gr. just shoot me now.

i wish u had "pulled the trigger" this afternoon on the bus...

then i'd be able to play dead and avoid this whole mess.

"and i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you" 

i hate the new sm.

 

i'm gonna cry.

 

this sucks. 

ugh.

such bad kitty.

i told her bout *fwaaaa* and after school somebody got random yellow stuff on my mom's cowboy hat i borrowed (it was halloween dress up day at school) and took the strings off it and stole my lizard pin thing.

so pissed about the hat.

but its my karma for telling her, and for *fwaaa*...

and don't ask about the *fwaaa*, you won't get an explanation beyond a nose. a rather large nose. a kinda cute, rather large nose.

buut anyway. im prolly being too specific even with that.

school is overrated.

it's falling into such a pattern.
all i want to do is sleep all the time.
even music tech is gonna get old.
specially since i'm so self-concious of my music now.
i'm better than some, but i'll never be really good...

i wish i could bring myself to skip class someday.
but i know i would have to be super-pissed to do it...
or high or something.
to do something that stupid...
meh.

and being left out of the loop just makes me feel like crap.
you never tell me anything anymore.
not that i tell you anything either...

i can't read it, and i bet you don't read this either.

it's been this way since you left.

and...

she doesn't hate me anymore.
allright.. that was fast.

and my melodies SUCK.
i heard Josh's today- MS played it for the whole class- and mine totally suck compared to that.
i'm never gonna be able to write that good.
damn.

and i am in love.
with a guy my teacher apparently went to college with.
MS looks like he's out of college.
but this guy could walk around and fit in at my high school...
damn. he's hott.
a cross between Gerard Way and GH.
yum.
and he plays killer piano and he can siiing..
i'm in love.
mm.

thats pretty much it...
party tomorrow, homecoming next week.
woot.

but dammit i miss GH...

having a shitty day.
she hates me now.
not my fault.
i told the truth.
if she had actually tried, she wouldn't be redoing it, now would she?

damn, who am i kidding?
i'm already blaming myself.
i'm saying it wasn't me as much to convince myself as to convince you.

and his eyes still get me...
i saw who he used to be today.
he really came through...
damn i miss him.
a lot.
more than i ever thought i would.
time heals almost everything.
and as i told Paige, a little forgiveness goes a long way.

fuck it.
i can't.
i won't.
dammit, never again.
not him. not now. not ever...

i need to stay uninvolved in that one respect.
uninvolved.

i can't do it.
i won't let myself.
no.
no.

i'm putting myself back on my diet. and this time i'm gonna stay...
no looking at the menu.

oh, and it doesn't help that i'm totally periing.
i feel like crap.

i am now obsessed with Keane =]

they're amazing.

i've been listening to Under The Iron Sea like nonstop.
it's sooo good.

also obsessed with North by Something Corporate.
gorgeous =]

anywayy...
today was ok, i guess.
it just felt so long.
i keep thinking it's wednesday...

but yeah.
been taking a lot of pictures.
so i'm happy =]

today was worse.
who called it?

he was being a total bitch.
worse today than ever before.
it was funny before, but now it's crossed the line.

can you just shut up?
thanks.
leave me alone.

just the random, shitty comments.

"wanna work together?"
no.
"you're just not the person i thought you were."
well, whoop de doo. what kind of person did you think i was, eh?
you don't even KNOW me. you can't say what kind of person i am!

fuckin LAY OFF!

i can't stand him now.
die, bitch, die.

although, by tomorrow it'll be funny again.
or not...
wait and see.

it's been a long day.

and tomorrow's gonna be worse, cuz i have to make her stay after to work on this project since i'm going away this weekend.
which may or may not suck, depending on how cold it is.
chances are i'll be freezing my ass off.
but i'll be home...

down by the ocean was where i first came up with his song.
now i've finished it...
so i have to go back and recite it where i started it, i guess.
close the circle, truly move on...

but yeah.
i dunno, i can still see the old him just below the surface.
but i can't- won't - fall in again.

nor the other one either.
gone.

nor will i sink to the level of the third.
now he's just annoying.
loud and obnoxious.
i turned the volume on my headset all the way up today to drown him and his friends out...
and then my computer made a funny noise and i jumped.

but whatever, he's not too hard to ignore.
but he needs to watch his language.
i almost yelled at him for calling his friend a f**.
i do swear, i'm not perfect.
but i am strongly opposed to that word in particular.
won't say it, even quoting.

but meh...
don't really care.
he's prolly an ass anyway.


and besides.
i don't need anyone nearly as much as i think i do.
"no boyfriend, no problems", right?
no feelings for anyone, even fewer problems.
woot.

we started Trainspotting last night.
got about halfway through before i had to get picked up.

it's a damn good movie.
i'd sleep with Renton, no question.

and this morning i finished the second book of Midnighters.
bittersweet...
it always makes me so happy when the semi-obvious romantic entanglements straighten themselves out, but at the same time, it's kinda sad 'cause i can't relate...

ah well.

and panda's wrong, no way in hell will he ask out a short soph he barely knows.
it's not gonna happen.

but eh, what do you expect.

going to DT at LS tomorrow night.

Kinda excited.

Knut der Eisbaer... aww.

anyway.

can't breathe, my nose is so stuffed up.

getting hit on by a junior...
it's quite entertaining, i must say.

not much else new...

life's actually ok for once. =]

aside from not being able to see Trainspotting.
ah well.

i deleted [almost] all my old bookmarks to people's SM's.

it's really depressing.

it's just so final...

but i know they're never coming back.
what's the point of keeping the link and the hope they won't leave?

me and k left of the old crowd.
and i, of course. =]

but still...
it's rather lonely.

i dunno if i can make myself keep posting.
too many memories.
but i don't wanna leave either...

i'll have to think about it.

mya, rip.

everyone's leaving.

the old crowd is gone...

soon, it'll be just me, myself and I here.

sad.

and I'm never here either...

people move on.

as we get older, we've gotten much more secretive, less trusting. more likely to turn and run, or turn and stab each other in the back.

is this what being a teenager is all about?

i guess i do cast well, huh?

well whatever the story is with them, it keeps me from having to make a decision about him.

good enough, i guess.

my keys are sticking. but anyway.

they came today and took the tree away and took two more down.

now i'm looking for guitar music and packing for camp.

yeah.
it's a hoot.

but i have to ask...
if you did run away, would you let me know?
granted i'd find out soon enough on my own.

would you let me come?

not that there's really hell to avoid right now, since i'm leaving on Sunday for six or so days. [kinda excited about that...]
but it might be fun...

and besides, where would you go?
there, here, it's all the same.
no place to go. nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape whatever you ran from.
small towns are like that.

and btw, Hobby Lobby online looks like Michaels or anything else...
is it really that bizarre there?
i wasn't picturing retail-chain craft stores, more of a side-of-the-road, sketchy place...

oh, and of course, now that i'm not working anymore, i've been considering CB more as not that bad...
but of course, i won't see him until next summer.
if at all.
and by then..
well. who can say?

ah, whatever.
i'm just not cut out for this guy thing.

going for a run now.
yay.

hahaaa.

today was interesring.

1. two of my girls tried to name me charlie.
ahaha.
u ready for this, kel?
i told them "anything but charlie!"
they asked me why...
i told them i wouldn't tell- it's inappropriate and i'm not going to corrupt little kids. [granted they're not that little, but whatevs.]
so C [one of the girls] asked me:
"How's Charlie?"
i
nearly
died.
it was so funny.

2. i'm a sketch [hence the title] 'cause one of my kids is pretty cute for a twelve or thirteen year old.
creepy, i know. haha.

3. CB has moved up a bit.
considering i had 19 girls last week offering me ten cents if i asked him out, i've been a little wary of him.
M tried to hook me up with him too. she thinks he's cute- and she's MARRIED.
but i'd now rank him as considerable b/c he's really good with the kids and he seems really nice.
maybe not a great speller (twinckle twinckle little star- smooth.), but nice.

4. ZP-- a twelve year old-- asked me for my number.
he wanted to find out what the story was with charlie.
i told him a) as an intern i'm not allowed, and b) not impressed.
twas quite funny.

and tonight i'm going running. =]
should be a good day.

and i still don't understand how or why you hate yourself.
what is there to hate?

good to know i'm not alone, i guess.

you know, i saw the two of them sitting there.
and i did wonder how many were broken...
but of course, i told myself neither was, and that being suspicious of your best friend is not really a great plan.

do i believe it?

when i said it i did.
oh, i did.

but now, when i try to rationalize it...

yes and no.

not that you lost her.
never that.
never.

but that your memories of her will never be tainted by teenage fights.
that there will be no point where you lose all trust in her.
that you will never be able to hate her.
that she cannot do to you what mine has done to me.

i dunno.
i dunno.

it doesn't matter if i did something wrong or not.
the point is, i shouldn't have said it.

but what's done is done.
i can't take it back-- even though i probably would.
no, definitely would.
because then i wouldn't have hurt you; i wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed; i wouldn't have caused that.
* * * * * * * *
back from the race.
3.6 miles, 40:29.
YAY

another bottled-up rant, bring it on.

go ahead.

i tried the first time
and failed.
made it worse, in fact.

so this time
different person, different situation
but i've learned from my mistakes.
i'm gonna keep my ass out of it if it kills me.

"if it makes you happy
it can't be that bad"

right?
right.

shit, who am i kidding?
maybe i'd better join the crowd.

promises are made to be broken.

i meant to tell you this.

cuz i finally realized it-

maybe i never was in your position.
maybe i never did know your reason.

but you hated him.
[even if you "don't" now, you did then]
and that was reason enough for me to hate him too.

but now
i've started to get to know him for myself
started to like him, goddamit
and...
i just don't see it
he can be an ass sometimes, yeah
but not on purpose unless he really doesn't like you
and
hes a lot deeper than you think.

what was it he said
when you guys were going back and forth
the closer you get the more they push you away
i've realized it now
the more i need you to be there
the less i want to be so dependent
[though i'm not sure if i'm being selfish or if it's because you have enough on your mind already]
and then if something happens that i feel guilty for
i isolate myself
and drown myself on a guilttrip.

and there's another thing to tell you
i called them all first
because i didn't want to talk to you
i didn't want to face what i'd said, how i felt
and i didn't want you to have to deal with me

some friend I am.
some damn friend.

how do you think i feel?

goddamn promises.

i'm being such a baby today.

i wanted to keel over and die this morning.
for no reason.

i almost started crying.
for no reason.

i'm having another episode
i just need a stronger dose...

anyway.

i'm pretty much isolating myself.

not much i wanna do right now but be alone.

and i've been thinking about him so much lately...

face it, girl, he's gone.
he's changed and so have you.
and besides, you were miserable at the end.

you just want to feel needed...

about tuesday night.

and of course, i'm isolating myself.

i didn't mean it the way it came out.
[but now i'm just making excuses and making it worse.]

so i'll leave it at

i'm sorry.
and that next time i'll keep my mouth shut.

so i'm back from new york.

it was fun.
even though i almost died.. almost got hit by a car running a red light.

no Gerard at MT though.
i would have taken a picture of me macking with a wax Gerard...

ah well.

today was fun.
beach.
yay!

k, i can't believe he doesn't swim.
Charlie + Isabella = <3
aaaaaaaahaha.

anyway.
he called me again (third time today)
when i said i couldn't come he sounded kinda bummed...
meh, i'm prolly just projecting stuff onto whatever i can.

i don't even know.

but hey, i'm having a good time...

i know.
i just might shoot myself.
[[so you can't when i tell you]]

anyway.

just got back from bowling.
it was fun.
yay for bumpers.
two strikes and three spares.

* * * * * * * *
good feeling's gone.

"we have an open-door policy in this house and that's how it's going to stay."
bitch.
i can't even shut my bedroom door.
it's MY damn door.

"we're not SPYING on you..."
well what do you call reading my diary, monitoring my every move, controlling everything i do?

ah, for fuck's sake.
she's coming to NYC with us.
i just might die.
Chloe, Kel, keep me fom strangling her, will you?

well.

this was quite possibly the most thoroughly awful day in my life.

do they have to be awful to me?

"punch me in the face. last offer."
like thats gonna make it better.

two wrongs don't make a right.
[but three rights make a left]

anyway.

one more day of finals.
then friday is the last day of school.
then k's.
then the weekend.
then monday i might get my hair cut.
then tuesday- NYC.

can't.
wait.

she has her fairytale, when will i get mine?
do i even want a fairytale?
do i deserve it?

i've been rather neglecting my SM here...

i think i missed it.

well, G is gone. graduated and gone.
i'll never see him again...
i think once that really hits home next year i just might cry.

i did cry, yesterday, but not because of him.
because of mom, or course...
she always knows how to make me feel like shit.
half the time i don't even do anything wrong.
i lay on my floor
and cried.

oh, and yesterday was the show.
a white for my first class. Dante's sticky lead. he likes the left better than the right and wouldn't change.
Katie's saddle slipped 90 degrees and off she went...
blue on the course. good pony...

then a [short] trail ride, hose the pony down, and head home.
S was gonna call i guess but didn't, so we didn't go to the beach, and then mum and me had our spaz.

that was my day.... yeah.

and now it's sunday and i have nothing to do.
should be studying for finals, but don't really feel like it.

and my legs don't hurt anymore, haha!
if it stops raining i might go out today, and then i'll do a couple laps Tuesday, and then Thursday we race again.
46th place, yeaaaaah.

i can do better than that.

i wanna see some fireworks.

i wanna live the Disney movies i've always hated 'cuz they never told the truth and everyone always lived happily ever after.

i want a picture-perfect sunset.

i want never to be jealous of another girl again.

i want to be able to get anyone i choose.

i want to not have to wait.

i want to travel the world.

i want to make a difference.
to someone.
to anyone.

things i want, but can't have...
things i have, but don't want.

and once again i think of me, not of them.
not of what they need more than what i want.

i don't even know who they are.

what is wrong with me today?
i don't even know where that all came from.

it might be better if i just stopped thinking...

KfB strikes again.

forget this.

forgetme.

once he leaves i'll forget him.
but not soon enough, oh, never soon enough.

why always her?
[or her or her or her... but never me?]

twice me.
twice failed.

maybe i should accept that...

i want it but can't handle it.
i get it and it never works.

it's always someone else...

maybe it's a sign.

maybe i give up.

oh, chloe.

i wish i could say i'd take you in, let you live with me.
i wish i could take them all away.
i wish i could give you your sanity back.
i wish, i wish, i wish...

the best we can do right now is gut through it and wait it out.
only three years now, right?

in no time at all we'll be picking colleges.
we'll leave this goddamn state and never look back.

and on the day we leave for college we'll have a funeral.
speaking of which i really want a polaroid camera.

and then this will all be over...

and maybe we'll be okay.

maybe i'll actually amount to something.

and maybe you will finally see what we've been telling you all along.

maybe.

in a world of wishes and maybes...

* * * * *
in other news.
i'm 15.
yay.
what a hoot..

it feels exactly the same.
nothing has changed.

what was i expecting?

tomorrow is the seniors' last day.

ima give greg hell.

yahaaaaaa.

ow.
my right hip or back or whatever it is hurts like all hell.

i got thrown again today.

i need a new helmet so i don't get my skull busted...

but i got to ride Cliffie. so i guess it's all good.

despite the fact that i don't want to move 'cause it hurts too much, it's all good....

i can't even bend over.

if it sucks this much an hour later, it'll prolly be worse tomorrow.
oh yay.

but anyway.

busy weekend.

i so want to go tonight... even if i can't stay.

i wanna go to the picnic on Monday too... yay UGB.
(Linds will want to go to....)

i went to the carnival thursday night with Rach...

yay for carnies.
free ride on the big slide... aaahahaa.

jumping all over the place today, aren't i?

"she's annoying."

thank you, thank you.

i'll take my bow for the credit i'm due.

and at least you had the courage to say it behind my back.

am i being vague enough?

i think i'm reverting.

old habits die hard, eh?

second time this week that's happened... a sign?
bah. i'm not superstitious, am i?

that dream...
it was just like last time.
do i base what i want off dreams?
do i base what i think of them off what they do in my dreams?

it felt so right...

but then.
i've said that before...

and look now.

well.

a month left, is it even worth it?

if not for Chicago, it might be.

it's times like this i used to reach for him.

he always used to know how to make me feel better...

and now i can't talk to him like i used to.

where am i supposed to turn?

why can't they accept my doubts? what's so wrong with that?

just leave me alone with my insecurities.

what i want has nothing to do with ability or anything else.

i want to make a difference.
i don't care how.
i don't want to be a hero, either.
i just want to make a difference.
to someone.
to anyone.

..to me?

and i wonder.

if he knew for days when i was going to ask him out...

did he know i was going to break up with him?

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
With You- Linkin Park

WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE?
From Yesterday- 30 Seconds To Mars

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Dani California- RHCP
"she's a runner, rebel and a stunner"- oh yeah. so me.

WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU?
From the Inside- Linkin Park
kinda makes sense, actually...

WHAT DO YOUR EX'S THINK OF YOU?
Whisper- Evanescence
i don't think so.

HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?
Here I Stand- Madina Lake
"here I stand, all alone, tonight..." maybs?

HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE?
Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends- Fall Out Boy
????

WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
Listen To Your Heart- D.H.T.
i don't even know...

WILL YOU HAVE KIDS?
Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)- Nine Days
first one that the title has made sense, but not the song.

ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL?
We Believe- Good Charlotte

WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE?
I Don't Love You- My Chemical Romance

WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I Never Wanted To- Saosin
"I never wanted told you what you were missing"
..nope.

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE:
Someone That You're With- Nickelback
given the number of times this song has applied to me... it may as well be.

YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE:
Daddy's Eyes- The Killers
not even close.

WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME?
Champagne's For Celebrating (I'll Have A Martini)- Mayday Parade
my girlfriend's going to leave me for some guy across the country?

WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD?
Pain- Three Days Grace
"I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
true.

WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING?
Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, And The Story Of A Lonely Girl- Lostprophets
"you won't fall in love if you don't fall at all"
"broken hearts and torn-up letters, girl you just can't dance forever"

WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER?
The War- Angels and Airwaves
i'm gonna be a soldier?

YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING?
Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects
ummmm, no.

HOW WILL I DIE?
Jersey- Mayday Parade
"I'll have you know I'm scared to death"
i'll die of fright?

THE SONG THAT YOU'LL HAVE AS THE TITLE?
Grand Theft Autumn/ Where Is Your Boy- Fall Out Boy
yaaay =D

you can tell I'm bored.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh, and i forgot to mention-

i may have lost him.

but my writing is back.

it's back.

and i guess that's a fair tradeoff.

he seemed so happy it was over... and then i found this out [slightly edited for clarity]:
"he didn't want you to feel bad.
this we [my friend and him] have talked about.
he wasn't glad to get rid of u, no, he's just doing his best not to take it hard because he knew you thought it was best"

i don't even want to know the implications of that.

i don't want to feel worse than i already do.

i figured something out, though.
i originally asked him out because he was such a comfort to me.
as time went by and he gradually stopped talking to me, that level of comfort drastically dropped until i couldn't talk to him at all.
and that's when i ended it.

...and now he talks to me again.

i'm enjoying being single again, i really am.
but i miss that comfort of three months ago... that's what i really miss. not the time i lost. the familiarity.

the only bad thing about being single is JB...
i have a sinking feeling he likes me.
especially after wednesday..
he was going so out of his way on the bus to make sure i noticed him. [hi. hi. hi. repeated until i finally said it back. and then he shut up, more or less.]
he is an ass.
and he looks like a rat.

if there is one person i like less than him, though, it's DF.
somebody get him to leave me alone.

pssssh.

at least they're not telling me i'm beautiful.

and as for you, i don't think you really want to talk to me anyways.
if that's true please tell me before i try to be friends with you again.

i want my three months back.
i want to erase the last three months and start over from the beginning-
and not ask him out in the first place.

how was i supposed to know i'd end it and end up feeling just as bothered after as during?

all the unanswered questions still floating around...

what was i thinking.
what was i thinking.

so i did it.

i broke up with him yesterday afternoon.

he took it really well.
he says he's happy with it- guess it was good for both of us.

so i am officially single again.
and happier.

three months, one week, and three days.
longer than i thought.

in other news, i have a huge ugly bruise on my leg....
"the jungle gym happened"

it hurts. it's still swollen and it's quite colorful.

ahhh, fun...

Zaraiya took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or oppos..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

scary how accurate.

i feel like a mess all over again.

he didn't talk to me like at all today.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm not the only one having doubts...

it will be the breakup rebellion.

tay's the only one who's safe...

i just don't know what i want.

do i want to (i'm miserable) stay, or (i'll regret it) leave?
do i want to be single again (and thus alone)?

i'm not liking any of these thoughts.

but something has to change...

i don't want to end up deciding to leave even if that's what's best... i don't want to follow in her footsteps.

and it would be too soon, anyway... two in a row would start a chain.

i just don't know...

i think personalities pass both ways.

RIPWill+Kate.

and C, i'm sorry.
i still feel guilty that it was him that had the guts... and that now you're going through all this.

i guess i felt like i had the right to telling.

I'm writing to you again.

I know you've been kinda miserable lately.

If you need to talk I'm here.

And I hope I'm not running you off further by saying that- I mean it.

I count you a really good friend. I hope you think the same of me...

Love you always, dear, no matter how awkward or alone you think you are.

if i died tomorrow you wouldn't even miss me.

you'd probably be glad you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.

and you know, i don't half blame you, because everything i do is just so illogical. and i am so fucking irresponsible, i can't do anything right, and sometimes i put me before you when i forget that the world revolves around you.

i bet i was an accident.
i hope i was adopted.

i don't know how he could love you.
what's so great about you?

I started writing you a letter here, then thought the better of it.

Just know that however this turns out I will be behind you and support you 100%.

Luv you, Reptar.

i need someone to talk to.

i am ridiculoisly stressed out.
should be working on a project.
but of course, i am here.
it'll help now, but i will regret this at ten tonight when i am scrambling to finish that damn project.

i...
i don't even know.
i feel like there's something i should say to him.
because
he never talks.
and lately...
i dunno.
i'm just getting a weird vibe.

i hate to say this.
but.
that doesn't change anything.
i miss being single.
because lately...
i'm feeling single again.
like seriously.
and i miss being able to act single.
and not having to think "i shouldn't do this. i have a boyfriend."

as awful as it is to say that, i'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise.
from now on i'm going to have a policy of truth with myself.
i need to stop suffocating thoughts i don't like...
maybe the little bitch i hear really is me.

but anyway.

K, T, C, E-
don't worry 'bout me, 'bout us.
you all know i could never do it.

but do i need him for who he is or for who he is to me?

so on the bus this afternoon i was talking to Amanda...

I told her why I never officially went out with J.

I really don't want to repeat it.
I'm not proud of it.
It's not something you want to hear yourself say...

But it felt good to finally say it.
Just to get it out there.
To finally admit it...

The second half I didn't tell her.
And I don't plan to tell anyone...

Maybe I'll send it to PostSecret.
Been thinking about that for a while.

But now that that's out in the open...
Maybe I'll be able to not be angry anymore.
Maybe I'll be able to bring myself to talk to him...
Not that I actually will want to.
But it will be an option.

I never missed him and I never will.

However...
I realized today that I do miss Base a bit.
Not as a crush- never as that.
But as a friend.
I miss actually being able to talk to him.
As thick as he is, he's a cool guy.
Maybe I'll try to build up a friendship with him again...

Or maybe not.
I dunno.

Still some thinking to do.
'Bout a lot of things.

xoxo. much love.

Scariest thing happened today.

HK almost had a panic attack.

CC [been a while since i mentioned him] like hugged her and she started shaking...
at first i thought she was crying.
but she wasn't... she was shaking, holding her throat...

it was freaky.
but she said she's okay...

guess i'll have to take her word for it.

the question now is, do i still trust her?

why do i always get so worked up about this stuff?

why am i so bitter?

and why can't i make him understand...
is it because I don't understand?

that they're never aware of how cute they're being?

"=[ but u had 2 go as i was typing that... i didnt get to say goodbye :("

last night he said that, after i left.
i didn't see it til today.

he still looks at me funny.
like, not bad funny.
but i dunno.. funny.

but yeah....
i guess today was a good day.

i have Dangerous Summer stuck in my head.
they're amazing.

it's been a long day.

went to Kel and Tay's sball game after school.
one of their teammates got hurt wicked bad.
ambulance and everything.
stretcher, backboard...
i was scared to death.
i hope she's okay....ihopeshe'sokay....

then got in a fight with Nate.
me and Kel, fighting him separately, but at the same time about the same thing.
i'm almost sorry for it.
but...
i'm making excuses again.
i told myself- promised myself- i was going to stop doing that.
but what he said after...
" :( im sry, u both think im an ass"
how could you say that? howcouldyousaythat? i could never think you're an ass. yes, i get mad at you once in a while... but i get mad at everyone.
i'm sorry i can be such a bitch.

imisshim.
when i'm with him, he doesn't talk, so he may as well not be there.
but whenever i'm alone, i just want him with me...

it's still so hard to believe that he is actually my bf.

but the other night we were talking
and i asked him what he would say if that guy from tokio hotel- th one that looks like a girl- asked him out
and he says "i can't tell you, my gf might hear"

he has no idea how happy that made me.

livinforthelittlethings.

xo.

you'd think that by now i'd have learned my lesson about keeping my mouth shut....
screw that.
here we go again.
but for once, i am gonna leave names out, and no amount of pressing is gonna get them out of me.
is that enough "lesson" for you?
[forme?]

anyway.
i know stuff is tough, been there done that over and over again.
but hey, shit happens.

and i know i am not the model of accepting what comes.
but sometimes it seems that they exxagerate just a lil...
but who am i to talk?
it's just me making my problems more important than theirs.
once again my selfishness shows up.

there are people out there, some that i know and they know very well, that have way bigger problems than they do, than i do.
and yet, we all continue to complain...

ahwell.
like i said, shit happens...
i just gotta learn to deal with it.

now that our little "group" here is 6 people or so, expect me to get steadily vaguer...

sorry in advance.

but anyway.
everyone's off at the school orchestra concert.
ohwell... i didn't feel like going. even though my bf's in the orchestra and i prolly should have gone... ooops.

i'm gonna see if me and the rent's can go get ice cream..
even if it is freezeyourassoff cold here.

and it must still be raining...
skirt+tights+flats+rain+puddles+goddamncold=notsofun.
but diners=bliss, so it's all good.

luv.

well.
that changes things a little...

we're all hanging on by what little we can.
mostly by promises we've made.
promises we wish we could break, but never would.

but anyway....

shout outs to Rachel, didn't know you were here, dearie.

one of these days, i'm going with her.

i wanna meet this chick.

i kinda want to give him what-for too..
but i shouldn't blame him. after all, this might help in the long run.
still. she hates it already...
at least, thats the impression i get.

come on, why won't you split them with me? it'll be fun... a little keepsake. swear i won't do anything with it...

aaaanyway.

peace out, cub scout.

feelin a bit better.

having great times after school...
BROOM CLOSET!!!
[don'tevenask]

but yeah.

he said i have never scared him or freaked him out, and not be bothered by him worrying about me. as long as i let him know i'm okay he'll feel okay.
awwww.

but apparently i did scare her...
i scared me a bit too.
it's not like i'm trying to see these things.
they just come into my mind and i can't shove them away.
it's so scary to see it all in the third person...

i think maybe i have issues?
you're not the only one who needs therapy, let me tell you that.
but anyway.

oh.
yeah.
i was talking to him the other night.
and i was feeling so crappy...
i gave him a quote of my last entry.
and he was all like worried...
he's a saint to put up with me.
i don't know how he does it.
but.
what matters is he's there for me.
nomatterwhat.

it does still slightly bother me that it took a mention of suicide to get him to talk, though...
ohwell.
whatever.

i think i had something else to say.
but i can't remember what.
hmm... i'll think of it later, i'm sure...

i don't feel so great.

tomorrow's gonna suck.

i've just been fighting with everyone lately.
Tay, Eric, i probably fought with Chloe, i've been kinda pissed at Nate...

i don't wanna go to school tomorrow.
i'm...
scared.
ashamed.
done with the excuses.

i've felt like shit for the past few days.
i... i had suicide thoughts this morning.
because i was so mad at myself for being so mad at everyone else.
what loss would one little bitch be?
sure, they'd all miss me.
but they'd get over it.
but of course i can think of thinking, but never to the point where i would actually plan it.
i'm not that brave, i'm not that decisive.

i'm just so done with this.
iwantout.
out of this vicious cycle, out of this town, out of this perspective.
but not out of this life. [[notyet]]

i wrote a few stanzas today.
i'll come up with more to go with them later.

"no more tears, no more pain"
said the wind to the rain
and the oceans, ashamed
felt that they were to blame.

wind-rain-oceans... they all stand for something.
granted, oceans are not the best metaphor.. they're deep and cool and greenish-blue, not quite the right representation.
perhaps clouds. no, that's too pretty.
or blank slates...that might fit.

i’m tired of the excuses that I’ve made
the the things that i've been hiding start to fade
these words can never mean what I would say
i just don’t know how to make it through the day

that just says how i feel right now.
i make so many excuses to myself.
i'm sick of it.
absolutely sick of it.
i'm sick of me.

how can i go around saying that these people need to change, when i am so much worse than they are?

how can i ever live up to what i want to be?

i need to talk to my boyfriend.

i need some reassurance.

oh, but wait, he's not there. and even if he was, he wouldn't have anything to say.

so why do i need him so much?

yes. let's.

let's get the hell out of here.

weeelll.

the 'rents are fighting.
i think they still are..
mom ignored dad all last night.
dinner was awful.
no one said anything, and what little conversation there was was soooo awkward.
i don't even know what happened.

at school today...
hm.
depressing note convos with C, what else is new?
i can't even explain why i'm so upset.
i don't even know.

long story short, i think nate is still worried.
and really, i'm hardly surprised.
i'm a mess.
what i am surprised about is that he can deal with me being a mess.
aside from being worried about me it doesn't affect him a bit.

anyway.
we talked about the Holocaust today in german.
herr joyce had slides- like real, old-fashioned slides. we're talking 1972 German Olympics here- of pictures he took at concentration camps in Germany.
one of them was just a field...
it looked so pretty and peaceful. not like what you'd expect a concentration camp to look like.
then he said that this was the camp where they'd send people from other camps when they were old or sick or couldn't work anymore.
there was nothing provided for the people sent there.
no food, no clean water, no place to sleep...
just an open field.
just a place to die.
there were long grassy bumps scattered throughout the field-
mass graves.
2500 people, all buried in one long trench and then all covered up.
hidden.
forgotten.
there were pictures of kids from our school, just standing there, crying.
pictures of a sculpture outside a partially reconstructed camp, a museum of sorts. the sculpture just screamed pain- you could see twisted bodies, barbed wire, people reaching for each other- but it was just a piece of metal. nothing more, nothing less.
i am highly critical of art, not that i have much right to be, but i am- never in my life have i seen anything as moving as that sculpture.
never.
there were pictures of the inside of one of the reconstucted camp buildings.
pictures taken during the Holocaust, pictures of hundreds of people crammed into one little building.
pictures of people who were going to die.
pictures of the crematorium at the camp.
there weren't even that many pictures.
just enough to make me want to cry.
i almost did.
that empty field...it's haunting.
picture it. a beautiful, empty field...
now fill it with the sick, the hurt, the dying.
soldiers. small children. guards.
it's raining, no shelter. people screaming in pain. people weeping because their loved ones have died and been haphazardly placed in a mass grave. the cruel laughter of a guard. a gunshot or two. chaos, disorder.
just an empty field....
i am going on that exchange.
i am paying my respects to people far braver and stronger than me.
people that didn't deserve to die.
people who should be remembered.

"Den Toten zur Ehr. Den Lebenden zur Mahnung."
To the dead in honor. To the living, a warning.

PS to jacklyn07- after that most depressing entry of mine, something happy. been following your journal off and on for a little while, glad things worked out. :)

possibly the worst thing that could have happened...
possibly the best.

all i could say was "don't leave me"...
i can be so selfish.
...take the "can be" out of that.
i am so selfish.

both those long entries definitely deserve a reply.
- - - - - - - -

first, to Tay-

You have never been a burden and never will be.
And while it's all well and good to show a strong face and never let anything get you down, it's ok to cry. It reminds people that you're only human. That they're only human.
You have never let me down and I don't think you ever will.
People aren't perfect- you can't hope to always be everything you wish you were. But Tay, as long as you're being yourself, that's all that matters. And never let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
You are strong. You are beautiful. You are happy. You are YOU- and no one can EVER change that.
We love you for who you are- tears and all.
Let 'em flow, girl, and let you shine.
xo
- - - - - - - -

second, to Chloe, cuz i know this will be longer.

i don't even know where to begin.
I'm sorry we make you feel so awful about this.
It's just that we- Eric and I- don't know what to do.
We're completely at a loss.
It doesn't help to push you to stop, but letting you keep going hurts everyone.
So doing nothing is not an option, but neither is doing something.
And walking out is worse than either.
I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know how to make you see how much you mean to me.
I don't know how to make you see that you are beautiful and that I admire you for going through all the shit you've gone through and somehow staying alive. I can't say I admire you for this, but in a rather sick way, I do because it's something I would never have the courage or conviction to do.
I don't know how to get you out of here okay without losing you in the process.
I would do anything for you. You know that.
Just tell me and I will do it... I just need to know how I can help because trying to figure it out on my own has been a losing battle.
And I don't know how much longer I can fight.

Love you forever. Sisters.
- - - - - - - -

i'm an angry person.

i never meant to be scary.

i'm sorry.

i just don't know how to explain myself.

i just don't know what to say anymore.

self-induced solitary confinement is far better than dealing with people.

dance tonite, Nathan's not going, i just had a really depressing convo with him and a depressinger one with E before that, i feel like shit.

storyofmylife.

i'm becoming someone i don't want to be.

she said all her friends "fucked her over."
and apparently i have.
without even realizing it.

i'm no better than all those girls i already despised.
now i'm one of them.

somuchforme.

blah. that's what my email always says...

lonely :(

ah well...

so vaca week is over, practically...

monday: shopping with Chloe. bought a fedora :)
Chloe slept over. we stayed up until like midnight... and mom told me later she couldn't sleep that night and had been in the next room "reading."
reading my ass.
she was prolly listening in on our convo...

tuesday: was supposed to go skiing.. hung out with Chloe instead.

wednesday: nothing remarkable. stayed home, i think...

thursday: Nate's birthday. went shopping again, with mom this time. got an FOB poster. <3 <3 <3. indoor rock climbing with dad and 7 other kids, 4 guys and 3 girls plus me. even numbers for once. gave Nate eyeliner and a slightly girly card, but what the heck. he looked happy.

friday: stayed home again. painted my nails, watched Eli Stone (tv show i tape. it's awesome), read a book...

and today is saturday. went to Kel's, hung out with "the couples"...
nate's such a sweetie :)

and tomorrow i'm supposed to hang with my neighbor. haven't seen her in almost a week.. maybe more.

oh and apparently depression runs in my family...
so maybe me having it ain't too far-fetched.
maybe you're right, Chloe...

i bought My Heart Will Always Be The B-Side To My Tongue last nite.

i <3 Fall Out Boy...

"real men wear makeup"
oh yeah.



E is in Greece.
but complains about being grounded.
Greece? some grounding.

anyway...

it's Nathan's birthday on Thursday.
I have no idea what to get him.
but i'm going shopping tomorrow with C, and she's prolly sleeping over.
i'm sure we'll get ideas...

i love vacation week. :)

meh. i hate this holiday.

it's so much easier when you're single... trying to figure out what to get your bf is harder that it looks.

i made cookies.
he gave me a pink beanie baby bear. it's got a little white heart on it... awww.

but of course, a holiday designed to make people think about those they love leads me to thinking about him...
and me thinking about people i like/love only leads to one thing-
self-doubt.

it's just so hard to take what i see in his eyes, realize that it shows just how much he cares about me...
and realize i'm never sure how i can ever show that back.
it's hard to understand that he can care about me so much and support me and believe in me when i doubt myself so much.

he's so happy about us...
and i want him to stay happy.
it's just that lately i've been talking to him about a lot of depressing crap.
that makes me worry bout getting him depressed...
so then i feel even worse.
and i know i should talk to him about this, but i don't know how.
i am so afraid of something happening and me being afraid to talk to him about it...
i am so afraid of losing him.

i'm so used to hiding my emotions i doubt i'm capable of fully showing them, especially showing him how i feel.

This is the first Valentine's Day that i've ever had someone to spend it with.
he spent most of it sitting on a windowsill with R while I went to art club, came back, sat in the corner listening to my mp3, left again, walked around, talked to H, came back.. and so on.
he finally asked me if i was ok and i was like yeah, im fine.
he sat with me for a little while and then we went back to the art room, looked for Tay's piece (which we didn't find, btw, if you're reading this, Tay) and came back.

the only problem was the whole time i was having really depressing thoughts. i don't even know how to word half of them.

the worst one was how i want to be independent, but also i want to be close to him... and this afternoon i just felt so alone.
and is it me, being too independent? or is it him?
but of course i can't blame him... i just can't.
so that makes it me...

god, i am so screwed up.
as soon as i find happiness, doubt finds me.
and when given a choice between one or the other, doubt always finds a way to win.

they're fighting.

over my course selections.

apparently mom doesn't consider me an adult, despite the fact that i have probably gone through more in the last two years than she ever had to deal with.
i think i can handle choosing what electives i want to take.

dad says i have to make my own choices.
he's on my side, for once.
love you, dad.

mom, however, is being a bitch and refuses to budge...
she has no faith in me whatsoever.
i hate her so much.
i can't wait till i move out.

if you have no faith in me, how can i have faith in me?

it's mostly her fault i'm so fucked up.

i talked to *A* at the library today...

she says she doesn't like him after all.

and she's "friends with benefits" with a junior.

oh my.

and i just told mom i'm going out with Nathan...

she took that sooo much better than i expected.

she asked me "have you and Nathan decided if you're an 'item' yet?"
and i was like, "yeah"
and she just said "that's good. that's so cute" or something like that.

so yeah.. im suprised.

but pleasantly so.

so.
turns out i was right.

*A* does like Nathan...
he won't go back to her, i know that, and i think she does too, deep down somewhere in whatever is left of her soul.
but all the same, knowing she'll never get him back is sure to make her try harder.

"She told me it wasn't enough to do anything about it. Plus, she doesn't want to hurt you so she isn't even going to consider doing anythiing about it."- Tay
she is doing something about it.
she's flirting with him unashamedly.
doesn't want to hurt me? since when has she really cared about who she hurt by flirting with everyone?
she already is hurting me- the other day it felt like old times. her and him together and me looking on... she was all over him. all fricking over him.

i'm not looking forward to talking to her on monday..
one, because she will absolutely blow a fuse on me. that or start crying uncontrollably.
and two, because i will be miserable before- and probably after- and he's gonna notice and ask me what's wrong. and of course i'm not gonna want to talk to him about this...

oh, but it gets worse.

my best friend is fucking miserable and never said anything to me.
am i the only one who's seeing our friendship become more and more one-sided?
we're falling apart at the seams.
all of us.

and i have to go to the library today to work on stuff for mock one-on-one with my witness...
fucking don't wanna go.
i think he likes me.
which is creepy.
but we have competition on monday so i can't not go.

damn. i really hate life right now...

he's the only thing thats normal right now.
i just want to be around him.
it's the only time i really feel alright.

a lot going on right now...

today was the german restaurant.

yesterday was Mock...
so mad about that.
our team lost by one point.
but we should have won.

we looked better than them.
this one girl- their only female lawyer, for god's sake!- was wearing glorified pajama pants, a tanktop, and a hollister sweatshirt. a PINK hollister sweatshirt. you could see her underwear and bra straps- not pretty.
we were all in suits, even those of us in the audience.

we presented better than they did.
they all used notes- not one of us did. we had everything memorized.
when objected to, they'd get flustered for minutes at a time cuz they forgot the next question- we recovered so much better.

and when she commented on both teams' performance, she was so pro-plaintiff and anti-defense- anti-us.

it was like she decided who was gonna win before she came in.
and the best part was she wasn't paying any attention to the trial at all.
there will be judge-bashings...
she clearly didn't know shit.

anyway...

today was the german restaurant, which was awesome.
i'm exhausted now though.. ohwell.

today did confirm a couple of things though, in my mind at least.
some good, some bad.

one, Nathan really really cares about me. :) not that i ever doubted that in the first place.
he's so OCD about making sure i'm happy.
it's so cute.
if i act even the slightest bit mad, like even if i'm only like fake-mad, he apologizes profusely and like hugs me to make sure i'm not actually mad at him.
like today, me, him, chloe, and *A* were having an "argument" about something. i kept saying one thing over and over again and he had his arm out to stop me from talking. i was all like "omg!" and walked away. i wasn't even actually mad, but he like ran after me and stood in front of me. i tried to go around him and he just hugged me... twas like the cutest thing he's ever done. such a sweetie :)
he's lucky he's so goddamn adorable.

so that's the good thing.
the bad thing...
i'm pretty sure *A* is trying to get him back.
she was madly flirting with him today. like ttly unashamedly.
she was acting sorta like they were still together, even though they're long over and now i'm going out with him.
maybe it's just her, cuz we know she can't help flirting with everyone...
but SM asked me today if i was still going out with him and i was like yeah, der!
but RG misheard and was like, oh, i thought they were having problems... and i was like huh? who? and she said *A* and Nathan. and i was like oh... they broke up a long time ago. now i'm going out with him.
so i'm not the only one who thought she was acting like that...

with *A*, i'm never sure anymore if i love her or can't stand her.

i wanna talk to *A* and Nathan about it, but i mean, what do i say?
i don't want to sound like i'm accusing her, even though i guess i kind of am.
and i don't want to sound like i doubt him, cuz i could never do that.

i just don't want to lose him.
i don't want to lose him.
i love him.

on the verge of tears.

and the only people that could comfort me live halfway across town.

happiness only lasts so long.

don't get me wrong, i couldn't be happier right now...
but at the same time i couldn't really feel much worse.

it's still a bit too soon to say "i love you."

living a double life really sucks. let me tell you that...
i mentioned that i can't tell my family about Nathan?
it's really starting to get to me.
see, in about, oh i dunno, three weeks? it'll be his birthday.
what do i do then?
even better, Valentine's Day is in two weeks.
damn...
mom knows i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday... long story. lol.
but i want to get him something more... i dunno, meaningful, i guess.
eyeliner's just a laugh.. i want to show him i care.
but how can i get him something without mom finding out?
that would totally SUCK.

and i want to talk to him about that... but how?
i don't want to bring him down any more than i already have.
i don't want him to... to what?
i don't even know.

and that's another thing i realized today-
he knows almost everything about me.
hopes, dreams, fears, loves, hates.
but i know nothing about him.
i don't know what he wants to do with his life.
i don't know a thing about his past or his future.
and i don't know what he thinks of me...

i know why i asked him out, but i haven't the slightest idea why he said yes.

* * * * * * * *
and just a note for Tay-
"Did I mention that *A* is upset. We went skiing over the weekend and she was sorta mad. I think I'm the only person who knows why. And I can't say because if eric,chloe or hannah read this then they would know and Anna would be mad. Hannah probly would too."

Tay, you can't say that much and not give it away.
i have a pretty good guess as to what it is...
but only because you added that i'd prolly be mad.
if you hadn't said that, i would have had no idea.
but as it is, i think i know... but i'm probably wrong.
If it's what i think it is, i wouldn't be mad- i can't do anything about that.
it's only if... certain things begin to occur... that i would get mad.
and i probably wouldn't even get mad, just goddamn depressed.
* * * * * * * *

i've got a thing or two to say about my darling parents as well.

if you haven't gotten this yet from past entries, i pretty much wrote it out today for Rissa in bio...
she asked me if i had told my parents about me and Nate yet.
i said no, and tried to explain:

"I just wish my parents would leave me alone.
It's been a really long time since I actually felt like they supported me.

mom doesn't seem to care about what's important to me.
she just wants to see straight A+s.
It always feels like the only reason she pretends to care even remotely is because she only cares what other people think of her.
When people look at me, she doesn't care what they think of me or what I think of them. She cares what they think of her from what they see of me.

She's so self-centered. The world revolves around her. It's always 'you didn't do this, so now I can't do what I wanted to do!'
Well, mom, it's been a long time since you let me do what I wanted to do, much less cared what I wanted.

And everything I do is subject to criticism.
If it can be criticised, it will be.
Everything I do is wrong.

She read my diary a while ago. and she told me she did it because she 'wanted to know what it was.' Isn't it obvious it's a diary and therefore PRIVATE when you find it under your kid's pillow?
So I don't trust her anymore. She lost her kid's trust and will never gain it back- she has no idea of how much I hate her.

So combining this all, I just can't tell her about this. It'll be picked apart, criticised, blah blah blah...
End result will be me bawling my eyes out.

I'm so happy with him.
and I don't want her to ruin that."
* * * * * * * *

sorry this was incredibly long.
got a lot on my mind right now.

i thought drama belonged in middle school.

guess i was wrong...

kel's life is spiraling out of control. what with ben and her family...

*A* is pissed at somebody...
but won't talk about it.

short rant on that topic- skip if you like...

she always presses us when we clearly don't want to talk about whatever's bothering us. we suck it up and deal with it- her AND the problem(s).
but now, she's the one with issues, and no amount of pressing will make her talk- she gets even MORE pissed.
she gets so defensive and is all 'I don't wanna talk about it! leave me alone!' but those words never meant anything to her when we said them...
hypocrite?

rant over.

anyway, continuing on the list:

taylor is also pissed at someone- presumably Jackie or TJ.

TJ is depressed because taylor is mad.

E thought Chlo was upset today too.

oh, and Jackie is after Nate too....
but i know he knows she's so hitting on him. and i know- think- hope?- he doesn't like it and isn't going to fall for it...

how do i know?
after all, it's only been a week.
how do i know?

because i know him.
because he knows exactly what he means to me.
because he's happy.

because we're happy.

dear [yournamehere]
tell me can you hear
a tear as it sings
or a hope without wings
dear [yournamehere]
tell me what you fear
a monster unknown
or a life all alone

but dear [yournamehere]
remember this year
the things you have done
how he was the one

dear [yournamehere]
i know that you’re here
you can’t fade away
come out face the day
dear [yournamehere]
be strong and sincere
the love that you feel
will always be real

* * * * * * * *

finally finished this poem... had it without the last two lines for months and only just finished it.

what d'you think?

i really should be doing my biology homework....
but i don't want to, obviously, so i am eating popcorn and wasting my time online...

went to the school play last night with my friends....
and it was actually really good.

of course, the second act started at like 9:30 and it was really sad and stuff, so i almost fell asleep on Nate's shoulder, but that's ok.
he smells good... lol.

trying to keep my group somewhat under control is pretty much impossible.
ohwell...

but yeah. i had a great time, and i think he did too :)

only going on day 3, but it feels like it's been a lot longer.

i just still can't believe this.

never been happier :)

totally.
surreal.

little less hyper today.

he's so sweet :)

it still feels so surreal to think of him and be like, damn, he's actually my boyfriend.
i keep, like, double-taking my own thoughts...

i still can't believe it.

and SQ can make me laugh 'bout my own BF... lol.

"he's HOT! and you get to screw around with THAT!!"
" 'scuse me?"
"well, not yet."

lol. she's great :)

and so is he :)

:) :) :) :) :) :)
soooooo happy right now :)

'raiya's finally got guts.

i asked him today :)

and he said yes :)

been waiting for this for a long time.

he has no idea how happy i am :)

yay :)

just a little, cuz apparently i'm pretty lucky already.

last midterm today :)
got out of class at 9:30.
screwed around with the 'biffles' for the rest of the day.

passing notes with E in the cafe...

long and short of it is, if i asked Nathan out, he'd say yes.

soooo happy.

so now i just have to find a good time to say something....

with a bit of luck it'll work out.

mmm.

and why can't i just try
you know i've lost a lot
i won't let this die
i know i've got a friend up in the atmosphere
and another reason not to fear the sky
no not tonight, no not tonight
~Dangerous Summer, The Permanent Rain

love that song. :)

semi was last night.. fricking so much fun :)

and you know, i think it was a good thing he didn't go.

gave me time to think some...
he's... different... then the other guys i've liked in the past.
he knows now, but he's totally cool with it.
doesn't change anything.
i'm not totally dependent on him either.
well, i mean, yeah, i am. but just as like a friend, someone to talk to my issues about.
usually they have to be there for me to be happy...
i'm not obsessing like i usually do.
which is a nice change.

there's only one thing about it that's bothering me-
he knows where i stand.
but i still don't know where he stands.

but whatevs. at least only the three people i fully trust plus me know... as of yet. everyone else will find out sooner or later...
but for now, we're good.

by tuesday we'll be beck to normal- all of us.

pineapples :)

so now he knows.
i more or less told him.

but apparently he's cool with it..

i'm the only one freaking out.

bleh.


oh, and btw, i'm getting him eyeliner for his birthday..
he's exactly three months older than me.

so i realized having my journal on private is totally pointless. blah...

i was going to edit entries i posted while it was private, and then i decided not to.
let the truth stand.

i have about six or seven drafts saved on my email...
all of them to him.
all of them never to be sent.

i realized a bunch of parallels today too.

remember way back to summer camp?
two kids, Patrick and Nathan. hmm.

Patrick was hot and had a GF.. lets see. Base through and through.
Nathan was an emo hottie.. same term i used for our Nate.

creepy?
maybs just a lil.

i was talking to him like 10 mins ago about everyone talking about us..
'OMG you guys are ADORABLE together! you should ttly go out!!'
stupidest reasons i've ever heard of to go out with someone.

but anyway... was talking to him... but i think he left.

he does that when i ask him difficult questions..
.. is that on purpose?

oh and i'm not supposed to know, but..
when one of my friends asked him if he liked me, apparently he said 'i dunno... it's complicated'.
almost exactly what i said to her about him.

x.

i talked to him on the phone for like an hour monday night.
about absolutely nothing.

i love him :)

i was talking about him via notes with E in german today... he 'felt left out' and started passing notes with R...

but i was talking to him while E was replying to my notes and...

dammit, he's adorable.
emo hottie now.

i just don't know what to do...

'it's because i like you that i don't want to be with you'

so the question is, with my reasons why i don't want him [but of course i do] even though i love him, am i being selfish or am i putting him first? because i really can't tell...

damn.

am i kidding myself?

i saw him yesterday.
i talked to him today.

but yet. i miss him? already?
it's been a DAY! just one goddamn day!

am i really that desperate?

i'm gonna be spending waaaay to much time with him this week.

he's so sweet though...

and he always finds reasons to talk to me.

and, awkward as it is that i noticed this...
if i sit next to him (or anyone else) there's always a certain amount of space between us...
but if he sits next to me, he always sits really close to me. like, almost-awkward close...
especially when i'm depressed or upset or anything is remotely wrong.
he just looks at me funny...
and all i can think is 'don'tlookatmelikethat!!
youdon'trealizehowadorableyouare!
ican'ttakeit!'

yeah. i think with all the letters smushed together like that...

typical symptoms?
can'tthinkstraight?

he's so trying to impress me.

well, not impress me, but... idk what the word is.

he's changing himself. for me...

"o idk, u dont like copying so i thot u mght be annoyed, plus i said that i was gonna stop copying hw
this morning i did my history instead of copying chloe's :)"

thats wat he said to me... like 5 mins ago.

what a sweetie.

but honey, you don't want me
let me tell you why...

god, i can't stand to be around him because i don't want to let on that i like him..
..but i can't stand to be apart from him.

meh. bit melodramatic, ain't i?

To: Him.
CC:
BCC:
Subject: how do you say to someone else

what you can't say to yourself?

i think i love you.
i think.
i think.

but how could you possibly understand that even as i say i love you, i will never ask you out?
how could you understand?

i've been so vocal about wanting a boyfriend...
so now the opportunity presents itself and i am the first to say no.
how could i possibly expect you to understand that?

it's everything i've outlined in my journal.

i don't want to hurt you.
i don't want to be the next Anna.
"you don't know me like i know me"
i am incredibly inconsistent.
i change my mind all the time.
and i don't want to change my mind on you.

i don't want to hurt them.
rachel, marissa, lindsey, anna...
i don't want anything between us.
i don't want to do to them what so many have done to me.
i don't want any of them to be mad at me..
i try to help people.
i've been encouraging them all...
i don't want to say to them "you definitely have a chance" and then the next day take that chance away.
i don't want to lose their trust.

i don't want to hurt me either.
if i moved on, leaving you would be the most painful thing i've ever done.
all my past crushes, my one almost-relationship, everyhting ended messily.
i would always get absorbed by my anger at them...
when that anger should really have been directed at me.
i don't want to go through that cycle again.

my worst fear about a relationship has always been that i'd be too much for my boyfriend.
i don't want to weigh you down with all my problems.
if i asked you out i'd start keeping things from you, just so i wouldn't hurt you.
and that would kill me, because i never want to lie to you.
i could never make you deal with a lying girlfriend, not after Anna did.
i'd rather have open honesty and friendship than a prententious label and the loss of a friend.

i will always love you, dearie.
but then, that's what i said when i liked Caleb. and we know how that ended.
so enjoy what you have.
just don't expect anything from me.
as much as it hurts me to say that to you.
it's the truth.

* * * * * * * *
now i feel awful because i'm lying to him.

i told him all i wanted from people was honesty and sincerity...

and now i'm giving him neither.

i'm ashamed of myself.

he asked me directly if what i was sad about had to do with him..
and i said no. even though it did...

i am a liar, a fake- i'm becoming her.
and she is someone i don't want to be.
especially after what she did to him...

and now i'm doing almost the same thing.

the more i'd like to let it go
~ RHCP, Snow ((Hey Oh))

i wrote him an email last night, saved it as a draft. i knew i wasn't going to send it but i had to do something. so i figured i may as well put it here.

To: you
CC:
BCC:
Subject: things i'll never [have the courage to] say.

written January 8th, 2008
=============================
"i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it.
most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much."

do you have any idea who this is referring to?

i trust you more than anyone else, the only exception being Chloe. and you have no idea how much that means to me.

"you only meet a few people who you will remember and who will mean something to you for the rest of your life- " and you're one.

but now i'm keeping things from you that i would normally only trust you with- but i can't talk to you about it.
about you.

i don't want to ruin our friendship.

but there's so much more to it that i could never bring myself to say to you.

if only i could make myself give you the URL...
but we both know i never will.

this is hurting me more than you could ever imagine.
and i want that to end, so i wrote this- but again, we both know i'll never send it.

you left today. you left when i needed you.
and that just broke me down...

i'm sorry i can't talk to you about this. i'll save it- maybe one day in the future i'll actually send it.

love you always.

* * * * * * * *
i know he'll never see this. i don't really care.
but dammit, i don't want him...
i love him, but i don't want him.
how do i say that to him?
how do i say anything to him?

how do i tell him not to look at me like that?
i can't take it!

and he asked me if what made me depressed this morning had to do with him...
how could i answer that?

what is wrong with me?
what the hell is wrong with me?

*deep breath*

1. feared for my life today. don't wanna talk about it, so Chloe and E, don't ask. ask rachel if you gotta know- she's ready enough to brag about it.

2. i am so confused right now. i like Guyliner still, but at the same time i like one of my other friends.. or at least i think i do. trying to wear his 'emo' sweatshirt was a mistake, but that's a story for another day.
problem here is, i don't want to let myself like him.
-he's already got 4 people that are madly in love with him. it wouldn't feel right if he ever ended up liking me back... i wouldn't want to do to them what so many people have [unknowingly] done to me.
-i don't wanna lose him as a friend. every other crush i've had i've gotten horribly angry at... and it can take me years to let go of a grudge. there are some i still have...
-i don't want to be the next *A*. no offense to her, but what she did really hurt him. i don't want to end up with him and then have it turn out i like someone else better. i'm so afraid of that... i would never forgive myself for putting him through that again.
-i'm afraid of relationships. my deepest fear about a relationship is that i'd be too much for my boyfriend and my problems would just weigh him down... i could never do that to him. again, i'd never forgive myself.

it's just that... he's the only guy i'm this close to, he's the only guy i always look in the eye. i don't think i've ever been this comfortable with a guy before... i could tell him anything. he means the world to me. [just like you do, dear. you know what i mean.] and without him and one or two other people, i'd be dead right now. or worse. [yes, there are worse things than death- another story for another day.]
and it's not just that we're really close as in friends- with the exception of a few people, i have a bit of a personal space bubble. i don't mind people breaking it for like a hug or whatever. but he's the only guy i'm comfortable enough with to lean on his shoulder, and... well. at the christmas party, i was leaning on his shoulder and he was comforting me, arm around me and stuff... any other guy i would have shook off. i more or less buried my face in him...
and i know that sounds ridiculous. 'cause it does, even to me.
it's just that being this comfortable with a guy is so important to me. and i know if i actually went out with him it'd last a long time.
and i don't know if i'm reading too much into this, but today after school [when i was wearing his sweatshirt] there was a look in his eyes... just a look, but it was... i can't explain. whenever i'm around him it's like it's just me and him...

i dunno. maybs i'm just thinking too hard. maybs i don't really like him as much as i say i do...

oh dammit, i don't want to like him as much as i do...

lol. that kid ttly liked me. lol.

winter camping is the funnest thing i've ever done...

hanging out with hot boy scouts, pyro boys scouts, weird boy scouts...

frankly any kind of boy scout is great.

N made me think of JC.. lol. i told him about the Purell, N wanted to try it... maybs i shouldn't have given him that idea.

soo yeah.. best weekend camping trip EVER.

"no, i'm not coming in. i have better things to do and better people to be with...
...did i just say that? i meant Kevin"
i'm sure you did, dearie. i'm sure you did.

peace love and pineapples. :)

she slept in my goddamn bed last night.

dad was snoring and she couldnt sleep, so she slept in MY GODDAMN BED.

is NOTHING sacred to her? my room is my ONE sanctuary that SHOULD be totally mine.

i have never hated her more.


oh, and by the way, happy new year.
happy fucking year.

...so why do i feel so alone?

meh. i guess it's just me...

almost had a breakdown last night.

i was thinking about the guy i like and one of my guy friends...
just horrible thoughts. i felt awful.

but i suppose if i'm thinking these things, there must be some truth to them...

-do i only like Peter because he was on JV and could help me improve my soccer so i can try out for a club team next fall?
in short, do i only want him so i can use him?

-do i like or think i might like [my guy pal] just because if i went out with him it would last?
-do i only like him because everyone's asking me if i do and i'm getting tired of saying "no"?
-am i forcing myself to like him so i will ask him out just to shut them all up?

how screwed up can i get?

i need some major help. Chloe, E, Tay if you still read this- now what?

nowfuckingwhat?

you should try Linkin Park.
i know it's not hip-hop, but Mike Shinoda of Fort Minor is originally from Linkin Park.. their music is brilliant :)
http://www.purevolume.com/linkinparkofficialpv

just thought i'd mention this while i remembered.

Christmas Eve i didn't eat dinner.
then i didn't eat the next day until noon.

so it struck me that i hadn't eaten for almost 20 hours.
scary....

and mom got pissed at me for forgetting the date.
this was... monday.
i couldnt remember what day it was, and so she asked, well, what's tomorrow?
and i said, i dunno. the 24th or 25th, im not sure.
and she said, thats awful. they've had it on the same day for 2,000 years and you DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY CHRISTMAS IS???

it was totally uncalled for. just because i forgot one little date she was going to take all my christmas presents back and return them.

not that i would have minded much.

but anyway...

everyone's asking me if i like my friend. [the one that was depressed]

so what is it, you're not allowed to trust a guy and be really close with him unless he has a girlfriend that isn't you?

how many times am i going to have to say i don't like him like that, we're just really close?

i trust him. most of the time he understands and at least he tries to make me feel better. and i can tell he means it.
most other people, when they try to cheer me up, say they understand, whatever, i'm never sure they mean it. they always seem fake. really fake. so that this one kid is honest with me, that means a lot to me. he has no idea how much.

and a word to all those who have asked me if i like him, who have told me i should go out with him- just because he means a lot to me does not mean i'm madly in love with him.
k? there's a difference between trust and love.

x♥x

but it started with an alright scene

is it them or is it me?
she makes me feel like a failure.
he never listens.
she only complains.
he tries to help but only makes it worse.

the things she says...
she never says outright that i'm a failure or a general disappointment.
the things she says just.. imply that.

she has no confidence in me whatsoever.
she doesn't support me.
everything i do is criticised.
i'm pretty sure the only reason she cares about me at all is because she's worried about what people think of her when they look at me.

well... i've got some news for her-
the world does NOT revolve around her, her views to the contrary.
most of the time i DO know what i'm talking about, thank you very much.
i CAN do things right without her telling me exactly how.
sometimes there IS a better way to do things than her way.
I AM NOT A FAILURE.
i am NOT who she thinks i am...

and she won't let me be who i really am around her, because i don't want to be criticised, i don't want to be told i'm doing everything wrong by someone who wouldn't know, i'm not going to let her break me entirely.
she can try as hard as she wants to, but i will never give completely.

so, the question is, was i born okay and somehow i just ended up as a failure to her, or was i always something she hated?

that show/movie on tv the other day was totally accurate- probably why she changed the channel so fast.
"if you [the character's mom] don't respect me for who i am, how can i respect myself?"
"when i grow up, i'm going to respect my kids for who they are. and i'm going to make damn sure they know that."

who called it?

home. movie started half an hour ago...

almost cried- what else is new?

and now i might not be able to go to the party tomorrow.

i hate my family.

but i sure ain't a star

all my friends going to see I Am Legend tonight...
..and i'm gonna stay home and cry.

x

because obsession never lasts

how do i know it's not just the same old thing?

girl you just can't dance forever...

latest obsession: Lostprophets.

mmm... yummy.

really good songs, really good meanings, really good for applying to my life...

try some. today.

all alone and no one to talk to...

oh well.

i decided some things, finally, on the bus home from school-

i'm mostly over Base. i don't really care that he's going out with her.
i know i mean something to him, and he means something to me, but it doesn't really matter to me how much. on either side.

also, i ttly like peter, and kinda wanna ask him out... if only (with ur permission, chlo) to invite him to the christmas party... but then, i know it'll be a weence more than that.

thirdly, i like another guy, sorta, but i don't want to go out with him. it's a strange feeling, like... i dunno. i guess i've always been kinda shallow, so that liking a guy = go out with said guy. (wonder why i've never had a real boyfriend... that mentality always worked for the popular kids..) but anyway, we're really good friends, we trust each other, all this stuff- i can tell him anything and he knows that, he can tell me anything and i know that. so if i did go out with him, it'd be a really serious relationship. (which i'm not ready for, not the first time i have a bf. i wanna know what it's like first.)

you only meet a few people who you will remember and who will mean something to you for the rest of your life- and i've found two in one year.

guess my luck is getting better.

x <3 x

is at an all time high...

i have some bashing to do, and i don't want all my friends asking me what's wrong... but they're going to anyway.

everyone's telling everyone else that they love them...

tay and TJ.
E and Chloe.
Sutt and David.

why not me?

i've been feeling so good lately.

been hyper since friday.
i haven't felt that good in WEEKS.

but now...
everyone has a relationship- but me.

so what if we THINK peter likes me... so what?
he prolly doesn't anyway.

and even if he does, which of us will have guts enough to say anything?

i hate how, as soon as i have enough confidence to decide to do something...
...everyone else does stuff that makes me so happy for them, but feel so crappy about myself.

just tell me you love me, tell me you mean it...

so much for my good mood.
so much for my temporary self-confidence...

so much for love.

i love snow... :)

my friend's still depressed...
he's gonna be that way for a little while, i think.
he'll get better though, i know he'll pull through.
i have faith in you, dearie. she'll come back.

dance on friday...
i'm going.
if mum doesn't make up a reason why i can't...
if she gives me my allowance...
if they still have tickets in fourth lunch tomorrow...

if we even have school tomorrow...

i'm kinda excited, i think we'll find out if Peter likes me or not.
i'd be so happy if he did...

and this time, i'd be sure not to let it fall apart.
i've learned my lessons.

i forget one homework and she adds even more restrictions.

bitch.

it'd be easier if they just didn't care.

i feel like a bitch saying that... but its kinda true.

i don't know if this kid has ever had one thing happen this year or last that was as bad as this.
as bad as what i go through every day.
[or at least as bad as i make it out to be]

i still feel bad for him though.
he never saw it coming...

and now he's depressed out of his mind.
how's it feel to be this side of the fence?

anyway... enough friend-bashing. i'm supposed to be supportive, not talking about him behind his back.

on a totally different note...

i really like Peter.
but i don't know how much...

here's the problem:
i like him, but at the same time, i like Base too.
and i don't know who i like more.
so i don't want to encourage one only to find i like the other more...

i'd feel like such a bitch if i did that.

and we have a dance on Friday...
that only makes this worse.

dammit.

I dreamed last night that you had dreams of me
It's just that I woke up a bit too late-
That dreams is over, and you'll never see
That all I wanted was for you to wait
Did you not hear or did I say them wrong
The words I tried to say to change your mind,
To tell you that I loved you all along
Now you're with her and I've been left behind
So this is it, here's the end of my dream
While I begin to forget what once was,
Remember that nothing is what it seems
I just need a real reason, not "because"
Though my heart screams for you, you aren't here
My former hopes and dreams you'll never hear

You've got to know what you're doing to me. You're slowly tearing me apart... and I will wait for you to put me together again.

i'm all confused again...

Base definitely likes me a lot. maybs just like really good friends, but...
the other day, i was talking to him, and we asked each other "how are you" at the same time, and it was funny, but like, after KB walked by, he turned to follow her, then kinda turned back and hesitated...
it was like he wanted to be both places at once, almost.
and according to one of my friends, he defs. cosidered me.
but i dunno... really mixed signals.
i'm gonna talk to him about how awkward it is between us now...
sooner or later.
[which means most likely never]

and then there's Peter... who needs a nickname, Chlo...
kid from my German class.
really funny, pretty nice, always makes me laugh. one of those intentional or unintentional day-brightener people...
but i think he likes me.
he was defs flirting with me, that much i know...
oh god, the pineapple 'hat'...
the problem is, even if he does like me, i dunno if i like him back.
i guess we'll just have to wait..

oh, and i decided, i'm going to finish my sonnet cycle by Feb. 14th and show them to Base.

Feb. 14 is very appropriate...

...it's Valentine's Day.

Existing Situation:
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.

Stress Sources:
Wants a partner with whom she can share fully in an atmosphere of cloudless serenity, but her compulsion to demonstrate her individuality leads her to adopt a critical and demanding attitude. This introduces discord and leads to alternating periods of drawing closer and drawing apart, so that the ideal state she desires is not allowed to develop. Despite the urge to gratify her natural desires, she imposes a considerable self-restraint on her instincts in the belief that this demonstrates her superiority and raises her above the common herd. Discerning, critical and particular, having taste and discrimination. These qualities, combined with her tendency to judge things for herself and to express her opinions with authority. She enjoys the original, the ingenious and the subtle, striving to ally herself with others of similar taste who can help her in her intellectual unfolding. Desires admiration and the esteem of others.

Restrained Characteristics:
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.

Desired Objective:
Seeks an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. Capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Helpful, and willing to adapt herself if necessary to realize the bond of affection she desires. Needs the same consideration and understanding from others.

Actual Problem:
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Actual Problem #2:
Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.
* * * * * * * *

freakishly accurate.
http://www.colorquiz.com/

...that's what i'd love to ask him.

anyway.

TJ is MUCH more perceptive than i ever thought he'd be. He and Tay were all cuddly and crap on the bus and (i was already kinda depressed) i 'gave him this look' as he said, and was even further depressed... and he actually noticed the "look" and like... he kinda knew what i was thinking, i think.
i'll have to give him more credit next time he does something.

Base and Bitch were being clingy too, but what else is new?


...in other news...
i hate to say it, but... i feel like i'm losing my best friend. I know i'm not, really, its just that we never talk anymore, not about anything serious. like, i dunno... just this really weird feeling.

i guess that was always my worst fear, why i was so uncomfortable about her and E- i was afraid he'd come between us. i can see that now, and... no offense to him, but i think its true, a little.

but whatevs. another thing to add to my list of things i just don't want to think about...

i was talking to Tay on the bus home (after TJ left) and i almost started crying (depressing convos... lets not go there). and i don't think she even noticed.

then i went home and... i did cry. just a little though. not even enough to smudge my makeup... which is, i guess, a good thing?

on the brighter side, about the only good thing today besides staying after and lunch, this kid in my german class (omg, he's gonna get hit by a bus, chlo), i think he likes me... he was WAY too happy with that CD...
Nolan was making fun of him, well the CD really, and he was like, "she MADE it for me!!" and i was sitting across the room from him trying not to laugh.

but yeah, i have to go talk to my friend...

and did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights are faded
and that heaven is overrated

but if you try sometimes,
you might find
you get what you need

i never really liked the Rolling Stones (old men in spandex=heavy emotional and mental scarring), but here we are... i'm quoting them.
vaguely ironic?

i heard ^this^ song on the radio last night, and i just thought, well, maybe they're right.

you can't always get what you want- that's totally true, in so many ways. but sometimes you get what you need.

what i thought of last night was how i can't get him... what i want, right?
and then the thought right after that, based on those lyrics, was, so what? i can't get him as a boyfriend, but i still have him as a friend. he's awesome and he clearly cares about me, so...

why not just take what i can get, and enjoy his friendship? whythehell not?

go ride a unicycle, it'll make someone's day. (<3 u ben!!)

how much i hate thanksgiving.

a holiday designed to celebrate family and thankfulness...

pshhht. what do I have to celebrate about FAMILY?

i mean come on...
my fam SUCKS.
other than my cuzins, that is, but then they're not here. so i have to celebrate with my mom (shoot me now) and my dad.

grr.

and then, what do i have to be thankful for?

answer:
-i'm alive. nothing's killed me yet.

beyond that, standard food, shelter, clothes...

what else?

not much.

cheers.

oh, and while i remember, i don't even have a nice happy crush to be thankful for. no warm fuzzy feelings here-
they were holding hands at the game.

and it didn't look like he meant it.

x

I dreamed last night that you had dreams of me,
Instead of her, as perfect as she is;
Maybe if you just looked my way you’d see
The hope for us that I believe there is.
I watch, and wait, and see you do the same
But not with me, instead you just watch her.
It hurts to look; I know no one’s to blame,
I just wish we had stayed the friends we were.
Someday soon I know you will want to say
Something about the dreams I dreamed you had,
That maybe if we looked we’d find a way
To make things right, never again be sad.
Even if things don’t ever turn out right
I’ll think of you and my heart will be light.

Pat, this is for you.
you'll never read this, you'll never know how you're tearing me apart. but if you're happy with her, the least i can do is be happy that you're happy.

i'll try.

everybody scream your heart out

i'm more or less alone.
best time of the day.
just me and dad home, and he could really care less what i'm doing right now..
if only it was like this all the time.

oh well.

i ate lunch with them yesterday.
i didn't know she was in that lunch...
i thot it was just him and Tori who were gonna be sitting there.
then she showed up and people came and sat with them...

it was so painful.

i couldn't even look at him.
i can't even tell him what he's doing to me...

not that he'd change it.
or care, for that matter.

i wouldn't be surprised if i was clinically depressed.
is it so wrong if i don't want to know?
is it so wrong if i am, and i don't want treatment?

i've felt so weird this week, like everything is going so fast.
i can't remember anything at all.
i'm sorta floating through everything...

this sucks.

but i had a good time yesterday when C was over.

i feel like i'm living on memories...

i made up with him today.

i went up to him and said i was sorry for being a bitch the last couple of days, that it was a really long story. and he asked if we could just be friends and not ignore each other anymore. and i said yeah, and i hugged him.

one step towards repair.

i wrote a sonnet for my english project.
damn, they're hard!
so much harder than they look.

got report cards today, High Honors. :)
verry happy.

everything's going for me today- just one thing missing.

him.

<3

my cat is sitting on my lap. and im just sticking my face in his fur.

nevermind. he left :(

we- or at least *A* and I- ignored him this afternoon. she texted him too, like 'in case you haven't noticed, we're all pissed at you.'
he said, 'i know, thats why i left'

today was ok, i guess. other than the sketchy kid that was following us... =/

i didn't fail my bio test. and i didn't fail my geometry test. :)
i thought i was gonna.

and on the bus home today, one of the Mock Trial vets said he thought i made the team! he wasn't sure, but he thought i did.
i'll find out for sure tonight..
*can't wait*

i wish i was coming to your concert.stupid clubs, all getting in the way and whatnot... :(

well ya no i wish he wasn't being a bitch either, but there's not much i can do about that...

stuck in limbo still. life's not getting better but it's not getting worse.
not sure if that's good or bad...

he's going out with KB.

he asked her out over the weekend via email.

i never got the chance to talk to him.

all my friends were telling him to talk to me, but did he?

no.

now i get another month of emotional and psychosomatic pain.

wahoo.

on a happier note, shout-outs to Imogen, we're actually on at the same time!

i should be at *A*s.

should have been HOURS ago.

but i'm not.

guess why?

you will live to tell

<3 that song.

so hungry i think i'm gonna be sick if i eat anything.
where have we heard that before?

as if life needed to be any more complicated...

the windows came this morning.
we're getting every single goddamn window in my house replaced so now my garage is full of twenty-odd fucking WINDOWS!

my mother is going to be stressed all week.
so anything that happens will be MY fault.

the other night she and dad were fighting.
he said, 'im sorry you're mad at me but i thought i was doing the right thing'
and she exploded. she was like, "it's not, 'im sorry you're mad at me', its 'im sorry I did something wrong that made you mad!'

and im just thinking, holy fuck, shut up! she always HAS to be right.
even when she's wrong, she just HAS to be right.

and in that case, she had NO reason to be mad at him, because he was just doing what she told him to.

I HATE HER SO FUCKING MUCH!!!

in other news..

still haven't talked to him.
but i should see him at *A*s this afternoon, so...

who am i kidding? nothing's gonna happen aside from me getting totally pissed the frick off cuz he's so damn thick!

oh well. have more homework to finish before i can go to *A*s.
shouldn't be on.

Frieden, Liebe und Ananas.
wahoo.

please disregard last entry. (deleted)
merely a typo.
i tend to overreact like that...

oh, and the rock Base threw at us?

it wasn't a rock.

a goddamn gummi bear.

just close your eyes, you'll never see me crashing down...

some kid in my ceramics class brought in the Saosin album.
highest point of my day.

shall we start at the beginning?

1. *A* was almost crying at lunch.
k was pressing to find out why.
nate stood up for *A*.
k and Nate started fighting.
i told them BOTH to calm down and leave *A* alone.
k stalks off without a word and hasn't spoken to me since.

2. S and 'Base' have been fighting all week.
yesterday she wanted to make amends. he didn't want to hear it.

today, she said she wants nothing to do with him anymore.
he doesn't want anything to do with her.

and i still like him...
which is a problem because my entire group is mad at him, and because

3. he's being a bitch!
he knows i need to talk to him.
but i couldn't get him to leave his fan club behind.
i was so damn obvious. and he didn't even notice.
i was talking to TS (who's amazing, btw) and i said i had to FIND THE PERSON I NEEDED TO TALK TO....
right in front of him.
and i looked right at him.
and then i walked away...

and later, me and Chloe were walking down the hallway past the courtyard...
he runs up to the door as we're walking past and throws a rock at it.
at us.
by way of 'hello'.
nice kid, huh?

i'm so pissed at him it's not even funny.

4. i was locked out of my house this afternoon and had to go to the neighbors' house and borrow their key for my house.

5. i almost- no. i did start crying on the bus home. i just can't deal with this all at once...

well now i have his email. we'll see how this goes...
x x x

he's not replying.
scheisse.

i think i am officially OVER CC.
which is really good.

i mean, don't get me wrong-
i still think he's really hott, but....
i can live without him.
i've moved on...

..to a guy who feels "pressured" [his own words] to go out with KB.
and he said he might.

right.
screwed again...

tryouts tonite.
lawyer was last nite, witness today.
i'm so gonna fail this...

well.
so glad to have friends like Nate and Chlo.
he's been really supportive thru 'all this' and she's the best :)
luv ya both.

Frieden, Liebe und Ananas!

from day one i talked about getting out
but not forgetting about
how all my worst fears were letting out
he said, 'why put a new address
on the same old loneliness'
when breathing just passes the time
until we all just get old and die
now talking's just a waste of breath
and living'e just a waste of death
and why put a new address on the same old loneliness
and this is you and me, and me and you,
until we've got nothing left
* * * * * * * *

pete wentz is amazing <3 *sigh*

i think...
but no.
i don't want to say it, because if i do, i'll get hopeless.

i think i like him.
a lot.
i want to say more, but i'm afraid to.
and now he's fighting with S.
and he likes HG.
[i think]
and he has a fucking fan club.

chances?
little to none.

and for once, talking to Nate isn't helping.
usually he knows what to say to make me feel better, but this time...
is it that he isn't saying the right things?
or is it that i'm not... taking things the right way?

fuck.
life's just spiffy.

K is depressed out of her mind.
i dont know what to do.

tryouts are tomorrow.
i don't know what i'm going to do.
prolly fail.
miserably.

Bury Your Head [Acoustic], Saosin.
i am in love with this song.
who needs boys when you have music?
*smiles weakly.*

god, why do i always want to cry when i post? journals are supposed to help, not make you feel worse.

love sucks, kids.
heart.

last night was SO much fun. it was one of the best parties i've been to this year. TJ dunked his entire head when we were bobbing for apples and Nate was wearing eyeliner. that kid does makeup better than me.. no fair. :(
it was amazing.. other than one or two things. one, the kid i like in my group never showed, and two, at the end (i left an hour early, grr i hate parents) i got depressed because Tigger had just gotten there and I didn't want to leave.

but when i got home...
i just wanted to cry.
i took a shower to get all the dye out of my hair and i just felt so awful i couldn't stand. i just crouched there, arms wrapped around my legs, and rocked back and forth...
i wanted to curl up and die.
i thought i was drugged because i had never felt that horrible before.
i was... really scared.
i didn't want to go on living with my family but i didn't want to die.

i never want to feel like that again.
i'm afraid of what i'd do if it happened again.

homecoming is tonight.
i can't go- don't have a date, don't have a ticket, and worst of all, mom wouldn't let me go anyway.

so alone...
mieolhc is going with E.
Tay is going with TJ.
*A* is going with Nate.
S is going with JC.
K is going with B.
Tigger is going with TS.
CC is probably going with H.

and i'm not going at all.
and base wanted to go with HG.

wonderful how my life works out..
and K says her life sucks. who is she kidding?

anyways, its raining and i am kinda depressed.
what else is new?

i hit it last night.

i can't do this.
i can't do this.
i can't do this.

he knows.
and she knew that he knew.
knew that he knew for weeks.
and didn't say a word.

so now he's not talking to me.
and i can't talk to her because it's too painful.
he's always with her.

i said i wouldn't let another guy screw me up like this again.
so why have i?

i ;'can get over him', you say.
i say i can't and you say i will.

but how do i explain that i just can't?
how do i explain... anything... that has to do with him?

i've wanted to cry for the last week straight.
and haven't been able to.
not the time. not the place. not the company.

'do you think i told him?'
yes, yes.
i don't know how she hit on that so fast.
but what do i say?
'i don't know. i don't know what to think anymore.'

and that is the truth-
i don't know what to think anymore.
i don't want to think anymore.

'she begs the world to just let her go...'

my 53rd entry. so proud.

i know i just posted like 20 mins ago but i started reading some of my older entries, the ones from the very beginning, and just holy crap...

i never realized how much BETTER i was doing.

i shouldn't have been worrying about the depression thing today- i know i've improved since last year.
nothing to fear on that front.

still need to learn to let go.

i started writing a song about CC and H- best way to get my feelings out.

wish me luck- how many times have i said that?
-and how many times have i really needed it?

and Imogen- i'm here for you, so one friend cares about you, even if i'm half a world away. virtual hugs, hope they help <3

only a 13 on the depression screening.
they won't think i have issues.
good.

that is, of course, counting on the fact that they never find out i lied.
my numbers should have been higher.

well, who said i cared?

anyways.
i found out today just how annoying [awful] it is to be H's friend.
it's impossible to talk t her alone.
which i need to do.
"you don't just walk up to someone and say, 'hello, i'm in love with your boyfriend'...it just doesn't work."

so this afternoon i tried to talk to her at her locker.
she hugs me, i try to talk- nope.
she has to go hug JK's brother. ('he only gives me one hug a day, he hates hugs')

then she comes back, and i try to talk again-
"are you staying after tomorrow?"
"yeah, i think so"
i look around; somehow CC has magically appeared at my shoulder.
"-good, i have to talk to you."
she gets up and hugs him- and i mumble goodbye and walk away.

i can't stand there and watch them, or wait for them.

this is killing me.
'are you dying yet?'
'yeah...'[look away]
'well, your music is your IV'

and today i was told i was pretty.
by Shannon Quinn.
and Bria.
I laughed.

and E knows now.
a fourth in on the secret.

well, you didn't really hit him with a train like you did to me, did you?
and *A* is still in denial.

isn't life grand?

'have to start to be myself
cause i'm sick of everybody else'

i googled my name (Zaraiya) and apparently it's
a) not as unique as i thought [Results 11 - 20 of about 4,920 for Zaraiya. (0.19 seconds) ]
and b) actually a real name.

but the first 2 hits were me :) so that was cool.

my real name is even more popular.
swear i'm changing it when i grow up.
***
anyhoo.
i made E promise he wouldnt go looking for my journal.

and i have a question- purely hypothetical of course.
lol. only the people who had lunch with me today will get that, and none of them read this.
so we've established that i like (love) CC and that he's going out with H.
but i know *something* about CC that i dunno of she knows... and i think maybs she should. she is his girlfriend after all.
the problem is, how do i ask her if she knows?
if i ask her straight out, 'did you know blah about CC' and she says no, then i just told her and broke his confidance.
but if she knows, then she may be like holy fuck! nobodys supposed to know that!! then what do i say? sorry, i thought it was more important to find out that you know than keep his secret?

god. im in over my head.
i cant take it anymore.. all the hugging, how he holds her with her feet off the ground for five frickin minutes while i wait awkwardly for a minute to get a word in edgewise...

so close, yet so far.
it's another wasted year...

and on top of him being out of reach, i think maybs i'm starting to like a kid who's practically going out with *A*.
maybe its just that i trust him. more than E, which is saying sumthing, since ive turned to E more than once for advice.
maybe it's just that i spilled everything to him at the football game.
maybe its just cuz he's so damn cute. fuzzy little teddy bear kind of guy. i hug him every day... pretty funny.

and on top of that... well lets not go there. i dont wanna think about that.

and on top of that, depression screening tomorrow.
2nd period.
im gonna DIE.
i'll fail it, they'll tell my parents im clinically depressed...
just what i need.

lovely.

well email me, kiddies, im bored. world history homework doesnt cut it.
KittyKat_13@verizon.net

welcome to the what?

im gone for four days and everything falls apart.
four days.
four days and my life flips completely upside down.

you gave in.
joyce and the boys are leaving.

i dont really blame you for giving in, though. i think i would have done the same thing.

i'd call you right now, but if i did i wouldn't know what to say.
i think i'd cry.

'how can we make things right, just wanna make this right...'

i think black is in order for tomorrow, hmm?

this is so surreal.
i mean, it was so obvious that this would happen sooner or later.
i just didnt think it's be this soon.
she's just up and leaving?

...how are the guys feeling?

and letting E read.. are you sure? i dont want him finding mine. i really dont. he already knows im screwed up, im rather less oblique than you, i think.

especially since half my entries are directed to you.
f
u
c
k
.

so now what?
.. how can i hide this??
im gonna show sumthing, by accident.
the 'rents will pick up on something.
and i wont be able to lie my way out of it.
shit, what do i do?
what am i supposed to do?

and on top of this-
CC and H are back together.
and i cant take it.

someone send help before life drowns me.

oh and i forgot to mention-
i fell off *A*'s brother's wooden go-kart on Sunday. i have a scrape on my right elbow and my left palm, and the back of my left thigh. it goes like halfway round my leg, hurts like hell, and is friggin oozing thru the gauze onto my pants.

disgusting.

i hung up on eric yesterday. it was funny... kind of. he put jesse, that manbitch, on the phone with me... then he told me i had been talking to jesse and not him. i told him he sucked and hung up.

speaking of...
i'm sorry i asked.
really.
'ignorance is bliss'....
whatever.

so. even though that last entry wasn't directed at me, chlo (and i do know who you were talking to), i must disagree-
people CAN like who you are on the inside. living proof.

remember the porch, kiddo, if you have any doubts...
that may have been before i knew, but, as funny as it is, that still stands...

mom will be home in like no time at all. fuck.
anna is being a bitch again, or am i just making up reasons so i can finally just hate her and be done with it?

talking to Nate online.. i love that kid, he's awesome. one of those like little-kid cute kind of people with the totally adorable habits...

hmm. little kid cute. and he's my age.
go figure...

anyhoo. i had CC read my lyrics. he liked them (if he read them at all. god, why do i doubt people so much?) but said one line sounded weird... with luck he'll read the next set, whenever that is, and actually have a comment this time...

the wall is back up, i think. not the he's-too-good wall, but the simple (and awful) wrong-social-class wall. i haven't seen him in 3 school days...

but whatevs. more people today saying that emo kids are all cutters. pissing me off. and then they laughed at me when i said i was gonna get pissed at them if they said it again.
distinctly not funny!
i hate guys.
except CC and Eric and Nathan and Ben. and Nat. and.... hmm.. oh yeah Josh and Jordan. and peter. maybs. and Ryan even tho i think he can be an ass. he's no worse than ben. and any guys who actually read this and dont make fun of my random ramblings.

wtf.

its totally awful...

i had such a deep conversation with him the other day.
i thought i had moved on, that i didn't like him anymore... at least not in that way.

but after that conversation...
god.
i'm falling in love with him all over again.

and he's nowhere near as perfect as he seems.
as i was afraid he was?

that little confidance definitely broke the wall of he's-too-good-for-me...

or cracked it at the very least.

i almost asked him out on an impulse...
but i didn't.
i'm going to try to hook him up with her....
they'd make a waaayy better couple than me and him.
she knows him so much better than i do and she actually hyas a chance with him...
and she deserves him.
do i?

i guess i just have to wait and see if i actually like him or if it's just total desperation for a boyfriend.

make sure you hug someone you love.
hold them like you'll never let go.
do it for all the people who can't do it themselves.

much love.
xoxo

so. first time in like.... over a week, i think.

wow.

my science book was talking about 'the dissociation of water'.
i laughed.
but not really...

i dont quite feel... normal... today.
what else is new?

i found out that she still likes CC. and, if i believe what she heard via joe, he likes her.
so here we go again....
i mean, i am so f-ing happy for her. she just moved here, a boyfriend like him will make her so much happier. but...
is it too much to admit that i'm a little jealous?
she's pretty. popular. bubbly. happy.
lets not forget that she's best friends with one of the hottest guys from SB...

but whatever. she would never flaunt him, especially since he's so well-liked.. literally.
and... as much as i hate to admit it, they're like perfect for each other.
...not that i've ever been much good at predicting couples...

I Don't Love You, My Chemical Romance.

i haven't been dissociating lately.
which is odd, cuz the 'rents have been fighting... a lot.
thats why i hate going to my Grandma's, they always get involved with these big projects and start fighting....
i always used to go down to the water and just sit there... or sit by the stream...
but i haven't been able to do that in a while.
so the best i can do is turn up the volume on Petra and sit it out....
which really sucks.

Follow and Feel, Saosin.

when i woke up this morning the bottom half- exactly half- of my right eye was bright red, the top half was normal. its still like that only not so bright.. i have no idea wat happened. but thats beside the point...

mum's home. gotta run-
luv. givesomeoneafreehugtoday

first bit of downtime ive had this week.
can somebody slow my life down, please?
*ohwell...*

i ttly can't believe i'm in high school. this is so...
i dunno. kinda anti-climactic.
i thought it'd be a bigger deal.
am i romanticizing everything again?

so i wrote these, i dunno, a while ago, and i only just got around to posting them- they date from pre-paranoia...


with all the lights on
i can imagine it's day,
pretend it's okay

empty room to empty room
pacing this house
no space without memories,
without regrets
fears and hopes haunting me
and thoughts of you

turn up the lights
so i can imagine it's day
and pretend it's okay
[fight my fears away]

empty heart to empty heart
what good is left?
no time to turn back
just time for regret
i can't erase these memories
or these thoughts of you

don't turn out the lights
i imagine it's day
pretend it's okay
[fight my fears away]

so come back to my lights
we'll imagine it's day
and pretend it's okay
[fight our fears away]

with you i'll be okay

kinda crappy, i know, but its the only complete set of lyrics i have, the rest is just scattered phrases. we'll see how the next set comes out...

anyway. have a lot to say about school, been keeping little notes of stuff.

there's a Rory in my Bio class. funny, because there's a charcter in my book named Rory. not quite as funny as gilmore girls, though...
loooong story there, go ask Kel..

this kid in my german class, im convinced he's staring at me.. kinda unnerving. dont really like him...

my bio teacher SUCKS. nearly fell asleep.. she looks like a young version of a batty old cat lady. its actually kinda funny...
but world history is worse. control freak... id love nothing more than to give her a good whack on the head with my biology textbook... *sigh* one can only hope....

oh, and can they stop with the guilt tripping already? i'm starting to wish i wasn't taking health... wait, i take that back. i never wanted to take it anyway, so i really wish i wasn't taking it. but it's awful, given what i know about me and.. certain others... *ahem*

and apparently, New Zealand is north of Australia. sorry, Imogen, i wasn't in that group... WE had it in the right place. our drawing kinda sucked but you were on our map :)

so yeah. thats life...
just gotta tell you i'm proud of you.
get well soon, miss you already :(

peace, love, and pineapple,
<3 'raiya

oh, and btw, chlo, have u noticed the common abbreviation for this site?

irony, anyone?

and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay

so. do you know how hard it is not to do things you promised not to?
especially when school is here and nothing could make me feel better than to get out of it for a while.
no, i'm not feeling it now, just getting the piled-up emotions from the last few days out.

so i realized something has happened this year that also happened last year- there's a hottie im my homeroom and one in my math class.
not like any of you care, im just letting you know.

my stomach hurts.
psychosomatic symptoms?
ha. i'm not the one who's nervous as hell...
maybs im picking them up from you.

its slightly funny how many different 'you's i refer to here...

anyway. i have a strange habit now of talking to you when im really stressed or really feeling the pressure... even though ur not there and its slightly creeping me out.

but anyway. i was blatantly flirting with CC this afternoon right b4 i left school. hes the hottie in my hmrm.
it was pretty funny, especially seeing as i dont like him that much anymore.
oh well who says i cant have a little fun...

well wish me luck with school, i'll need it
i've started writing lyrics, too. theyre kinda crappy but ohwell

peace love pineapples
Raiya

then they're things that you miss

i've always loved that line. Matchbox Twenty is amazing <3

i had an insight into my psyche last night. i think you'll appreciate this one, Chlo.
so remember my little pattern of love/hate/love/hate?
i finally figured it out.
also remember that i have to convince myself of my own emotions?
i get over a guy and anger at him strengthens the over-ness and- gasp- convinces me i'm completely over him.

the things i think about when i'm dead tired....
anyway.
going to a party saturday afternoon- can't wait! its gonna be fun.
and hopefully no one (coughKelliecough) will have a spazz attack.
and hopefully i wont get my in-a-crowd-and-all-alone feelings again.

but i'm really looking forward to it.
i'm actually kinda looking forward to school too, because my friend is moving to my town from goodness knows where and there's a chance she'll be in some of my classes. which will be nice :)

really not much to say. much love
xxoo

well. i'm back, as of last night.
I've been in Maine since Friday. i know i told you that, chlo, i'm NOT ignoring you.
[i could NEVER ignore you.]

anyway....
i had a ton to say, seeing as i havent posted in FOREVER.
and i planned it all out last night...
and then i forgot.

sooo..
not much happening today. =/

i have a lovely blister on my right thumb where i burned it... i put an empty mug (which i thot was full) in the microwave.... yeah.
not fun.
i have never in my life experienced such pain.
it hurt like all hell.
my entire right hand felt like it was on fire for a full day.

but anyhoo...
its so frickin cold in my house..
and im still in my PJ's :)

but i am content with myself, for a while at least.
which is good.

best of luck to ya, chica. i'm always here for you.
[you know who you are]

peace love and pineapples,
Zaraiya!

i'm just gone beyond repair

so.
i'm at mieolhc's house.
we're listening to Never Too Late, 3 day's grace.
good song.

my stomach hurts.
bleh.

i cleaned my desk today.
i feel good now :)

school starts in 2 wks exactly.
yuck.

i had an "insight into my psyche" the other night-
i figured out why i like cities so much.
there's actually enough emotions in those places to make me feel them.
to fill my emptiness.
i actually feel whole.

and i had another one last night while i was on the phone-
all i want from a relationship is commitment.
but i'll never be able to give total commitment myself.
what with my being able to pick apart my emotions, some little part of me will doubt my love for any guy.
so i will never truly be able to open up completely to anyone.

omg, chloe's dancing.

anyhoo...
grr. lost my train of thought.
somebody come say hello- KittyKat_13@verizon.net

might be back later, might not.
hugs!

peace luv pineapples!

i think i pissed her off...
crap.

i should get her help but help would only hurt her more

what do i do?

i'm falling apart.
for her.

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
it HAS to stop.

and don't you feel guilty when you read this.
it's not your fault.

but do i like the cake?

that won't make sense unless you've read Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen...which you should. incredibly good book.

but anyhoo.
did i mention i bought black and white "gingham" emo gloves w/ red bows on them?
..they sound so girly, described like that. but they're really cool. i painted my nails to match- alternating black +red...
such fun.

i also bought A Lesson In Romantics. i absolutely love it.
Mayday Parade is now my hero :)

grr. they were HERE a few days ago with Warped Tour... AND I COULDNT GO! i'll go cry in solitude...
not really.
wat WILL make me cry sbout not seeing is Projekt Revolution...
Linkin Park.
MCR.
Saosin.
and more!!
all in one place!!
at one time!!
gaah its the concert of a lifetime!!

..and it's on my mum's birthday.
bah.
"the answer boils down to 'fat chance'."
grr.
not cool.

"does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

oh and Mel, your episode of loneliness the other night? i get those all the time. its no big deal. you get used to it, scary as it sounds.
i never wanted to feel that way ever again either.
yet...

i realized a few weeks ago that All That I'm Living For (evanescence) sounds an awful lot like a description of dissociation...
did you notice that, chlo?

gawd. still afraid of being cornered alone with my mother...
how much does she know?
how much did she read?
how much can i trust her?

all the what-ifs are coming back full force.
i haven't felt right since friday.
i'll probly never feel the same again.
there's nothing quite like having your trust in someone shattered.

...not that i ever really trusted her anyway. =/
i don't think i can deal with this now.

school starts in 2 or 3 weeks.
my friends...
well, lets not go there.
each has their own troubles that i really dont want to get involved in..

Chloe's parents.
Tay's boy.
Anna's brother, if he's not ok by now.
Kel's... well Kel is Kel so she always has something to bitch about.
Sneha's "NetNanny" that she complains about.

and then there's me...
ha. little old almost-emo me.

i started hating my (NEW!) gloves last night.
or was it the night before last? i have no idea wat day it is anymore.
but anyway.
oh! it was Friday. EVERYTHING happened on friday.
my dad asked me, "do u consider yourself emo?"
and i was like, "not really... i'm just me."
but...

i dont want to be labeled.
i
just
want
to
be
me.

but by wearing them, i'll be labeled EMO.
i'm already labeled a GEEK.

is it impossible to just be ME??
(thats a rhetorical question, btw. the answer is a resounding NO.)

i also realized the other day how long it's been since i hugged anyone and they meant it.
i always mean it.
but they, whoever they are, never do.
i'm there if they break down and fall, but...
if i fall on them they'll catch me too late.

i started writing lyrics.
they're pretty crappy.
but meh...
they're saying the truth.
they'll never be sung, but at least they're there.

well sorry bout the extremely long rant tonight.
just had so much come up....

peace love and pineapples
<3 'raiya

i just realized how long it was since the last time i posted...

...and how good it felt to spill everything to complete strangers.
thx to all...

listening to Thunder, Boys Like Girls.
love that song.

Projekt Revolution on the 24th.
trying to convince the 'rents to let me go.
wish me luck, kids...

oh god.
its at times like this that i wish i could still believe.
the reason?
my mother read my journal/diary.
not this one- my actual, honest-to-goodness diary.
and now she almost knows something i've been trying to keep from her from months.

all my care in covering it up.
blown in a day.
in less than five minutes.

i swear i could cry.
i'm not sure what bothers me more, though- the fact that she knows, or the fact that she read the stupid diary.

i'll never write in it again, thats for sure.
i can't trust her anymore.
i don't feel safe with my soul bared in that thing.
i don't feel safe leaving it alone with her.
i feel SO unsafe that i brought it to my friend's house and left it there.
if i keep it here, who's to say she won't go read it again?

and she wants me to be able to talk to her.
hate to break it to ya, but i haven't been able to truly talk to you in years.

I just can't trust her!
and...
that's that. there is no "and" anything. i can't trust her and that's the end of the story.

i'm going to New Hampshire with my friend's family for a couple days next week. i can't wait to get out of my house and not have to deal with my parents. they have a separate guest house up there and i'm hoping i can somehow get it to myself.
just me, myself, and i. and my music.
a house of my own, for two or three or four days.
now wouldn't that be nice?

ahhh well. chances are i'll be sharing a room with my friend.
but, that'll be all right.
my parents won't be there, so i will be free.
absolutely free.
i can't wait to feel that weight lift from my shoulders....

but anyways. getting rambly.
Taylor- its up to you what you do now.
ask him out, but only if that's what you really want.
if he's worth liking, he'll respect your feelings. give him a few days and he'll be fine with it, i think.
he's cool like that.
whatever you do, though, think before you act.
don't make the same mistakes I did.
good luck, kiddo.

anyways I must go, i think.
lunchtime, loveys.
food...
"yummy!"

as always, yours truly, much love, yadda yadda yadda.
Peace, Love, and Pineapples,
Zaraiya

i'd like to get off

who knew i could quote Calvin and Hobbes when i'm kinda weirding out? especially when the quote comes from Hobbes (a stuffed animal, a tiger) when he's all dizzy from being in the dryer, not a kid who feels like their life is spiraling out of control...

my head feels like its gonna frickin split open.
gaah.

is it a headache, stress, or something i invented so i'd have something to write about?
i dont know. i dont care.

so for some (strange) reason i am finding myself drawn to this kid at camp. dunno why- i mean, Nathan- aka Emo Hottie cuz he was wearin all black the first day, also from camp - is by FAR better looking. so why Patrick? again, ikd + id(really)c.

lol, it feels weird using their first names instead of nicknames i've made up for reference, seeing as i've barely talked to either of them.
come to think of it, i've barely talked to anyone at camp.
go figure.

but so yeah.
thats really all i can think of to say.

Kyle (who sits next to me and who looks like TW) is really nice and has awesome shoes. but he's pretty ugly, and seems to be goin out w/ Allison. havent talked to her either. odd, isnt it, that the only two girls in a program otherwise full of guys arent talking to each other? (not on purpose, i assume. i'm just bad at starting convos- i told her i liked her shoes and she said thanks. that was my entire interaction w/ her 2day.)

its funny, despite not knowing anyone in my group, i havent gotten in-a-crowd-and-all-alone feelings yet.
which i suppose is good... =/

had another spat w/ mum this morning...
only four years till i can move out...counting down the days

grr. she'll be home any minute now. :(

i prolly oughts to go, since i kinda have nuthin left to say...
email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net
i'd luv sum1 to talk to.

well, my friend is on the fone. gots to go.
pc luv + pineappls
raiya

and i dont know why...

but im not crazy im just a little unwell
i know, right now you cant tell
but stay a while, baby, then you'll see
a different side of me

how true...

stay long enough and you'll see i'm the exact opposite of what i seem.
im not as bubbly as you think i am, guys.

it's been a long time since i last posted...
so i'll try to keep this brief.

went to camp in NH, which actually took us to ME; went whitewater rafting; fell out of the raft.

thats right. i frickin fell out of the raft.
it was AWESOME.

went back to ME, w/ family; 'twas fun.

now im here, wishing i was somewhere else.
almost.

im going to a day camp now. it has a digital photo effects program that im taking. super awesome.. id post pics if i could. but i dont know how :(

hottie count for today is up to 2... much better record than the lat weeks. i averaged 3 in the last 2 wks.

now 2 in a day.. feeling lucky? maybs?

so yeah. my dissociation is getting better, i think..

which only means its not as frequent.
good? bad? i dunno...

i kinda like floating. i dont have to put up w/ evry1 else, just me.

remember 'depression to the point of clarity'?
thats really my dissociation.
lovely, isnt it?
and i LIKE it. scary? maybs. not to me.

comfortable.
familiar.
something that actually feels like home.

ehhh well...
happier things.

his name is Patrick. and his name is Nathan.
hotties from camp.
Patrick looks like a Pat.
Nathan doesnt look like a Nate.
watevs.

i sound like SUCH a girly girl. a ditzy blond girly girl. worse than *A*- she's a blond girlygirl but SHE'S not ditzy.
and i'm not blond.

haha.
well anyway i have to go do dishes. dad's not feeling well and mom is out, so it falls to me...
*sigh*

maybs i'll bback 2morro.
maybs not.

peace, love, and pineapples,
Zaraiya :)

quote of the week: "this is Ultimate Adventure, not Ultimate Frickin' Shopping!!"

it turns out, through self-diagnosis and the opinion of a friend, that i am mildly dissociative.

luvly.

so my dissociation scares you. you scare me. we're even.

i don't mind it so much... it's more comfortable than being connected to the world.

but anyway... my cousin comes tonight!! yay!
and then i'm leaving tomorrow for camp, so i wont be posting for about a week.
sorry.
i know i'm just soooo entertaining...

NOT.

sooo yeah.

apparently, my group for camp is staying in tents in MAINE. not in camp. in freaking MAINE.

5 hours from home.
is that far enough away?
[probably not]

maybs a week of strenous activity will alleviate my dissociation.

i like big words. yay!

but yeah... i'm bored. email me-
KittyKat_13@verizon.net

luv always. peace luv and pineapples....
<3 'raiya

"i think it's funny you've been quiet for so long
when you're quiet no one proves you wrong"

i was having such a good time last night.

then my dad asked me to watch his laptop so i sat there next to it while he went off somewhere and i watched all my friends having fun like six feet away from me. i felt cut off from... everything, i guess.

and everything just rolled in...

then later, dad said we were going to leave in like 15 minutes. we all went and gave our bowling shoes back. i must have looked sad or angry cuz *A* was like, "what's wrong?"
so of course i said, "nothing". i made it seem like it was just that i was leaving in 15 minutes that made me all sad and crap...

but it wasnt just that. i've been on edge for the last... oh, i dunno, three or four days.
anticipating a breakdown that wouldn't come.

and last night, it came. partially, anyway. i think there's gonna be another, a bigger one, within the next week.
(especially if i keep listening to Disenchanted three times a day =P)

but seriously...
multiple personalities, much.

one is bracing for the breakdown.
another fights the breakdown back.
the third watches the others a keeps up a running commentary.

i'm insane? possibly.
i need a therapist? definitely.
i'm going to ask my parents to put me in therapy? never.

well, you want to be a psychiatrist, don't you? here i am, your first patient...

and now i just spilled a lot to a guy i don't really know, and i'm not even sure why. i just sort of did. i mean, E is a good guy, but do i really want him knowing i'm screwed up?

fuck it all.

i'm on a seesaw, emotionally.
up and down, up and down...
mood swings.
PMS? dont know. wouldn't tell you if i did.

human emotions suck.

haha, i'm quoting you, Chloe. lol.

so- to explain firsty, almost every time i like a guy, i end up hating him after i get over him. and i JUST figured out why, after like 3 yrs. of this pattern- like 2 seconds ago. like, i always have to convince myself of my feelings. which explains that awful little pattern i go thru- love/hate, love/hate. i have to convince myself that yes, i truly do like him, and then when i get over him, my anger at myself for convincing myself he was the one is directed at him b/c i dont want to admit i was wrong.

does that suck or what? i hate myself sometimes. can't i hust admit to myself that, hell yeah, people make mistakes. so if i'm making mistakes, hey, i'm just human.

meh. soooo... i miss CC, just a bit. i think i'm over him- and i dont hate him. thats progress, i guess. and now i *think* i like this kid who supposedly kinda likes *A*. but not as much as b4... so thats good i guess.

well... the summer gives me plenty of time to sort myself out.

peace, luv, and pineapples,
<3 'raiya

its like 95 degrees here. yuck.

anyway, i have discovered bayside. (thx, chlo) The Walking Wounded is a great album. i luv Landing Feet First.

not much to report on the ppl front in my life, cept that i *think* i have a crush on a guy who supposedly likes one of my "biffles". :( oh well. such is life, eh?

oh, and my desktop image is Chester Bennington <3 i luv Linkin Park

so my possey blew up. and i dont care! whee!
anyhoo...

peace luv + pineapples!
go tell someone you love them. and mean it.
<3 'raiya

been so long since i last posted... and i have nuthin to say. and not enough time to write anything meaningful. bback tomorrow

soo... felt like crap today. for no reason.

scared.
anxious.
excited.
[depressed]

i have another one of my killer headaches... haven't had an awful one in a while. forgot how much this sucks...

update on the dance: havent asked him yet. i have exactly a week. i'm gonna do it no matter wat... running out of time and startin to feel the pressure...
and HE is going with Anna. frankly, i dont give a shit what he does. or, at this point, her either. the only request i made of her was, "just dont make me talk to him. dont make me be nice...." i know, im such a sweet little kid. but like i said, I DONT GIVE A FUCK.

...actually, i dont care about much of anything anymore... binge eating when i'm not hungry, not eating when i am hungry. i just dont feel like eating anymore.... force-feeding myself a lot. and food i love doesnt taste like anything..

clinical depression?

weelll...

i guess i owe a couple people a promise. so this goes to Anna, Tay, Kel, Sneha, Linds... but mostly Melinda, Emma, and Chloe- I promise you all, as long as i can hold out, I WILL NOT CUT.

i feel kinda better now..

well must go kiddies. love
<3 'raiya

and dont look back
dont stop, bury me
and fade to black...

weeell... i bought a dress :) and HE asked me to the dance. ewww. so of course i said no. and now my friends are all like omg!! what the hell is your problem?? he freakin asked you and you said no??? and im like its my choice and I CANT STAND HIM!! so why the fuck would i say yes???? they KNOW i dont like him. they KNOW hes really annoying to me- he freaking STARES at me ALL THE TIME!!! why

and plus, i'm asking CC to the dance. i cant very well go w/ 2 ppl now can i?

but my dress is pretty and [almost] all is well. i'm trying to write lyrics for a song. [like i'll ever be able to sing it. right.]
but hey, its worth a try.
i'll post them when they're done :)

sooo.. we find out classes for next year on monday... i cant wait a whole week!! gaaah!!
course selections next monday.
yearbooks next tuesday.
Canobie next wednesday.
dance next thursday. (wish me luck)
last day next friday.
CANT WAIT!!

peace luv and- YES! FINALLY!- pineapples
<3 'raiya

in science today we dissected cooked chicken wings (eww!) and we had to use scalpels and stuff... my science teacher was like talking about OMG DONT CUT YOURSELF and said "cut" every 2 seconds and it was like holy freakin shit... nvr expected this to sound so personal...

and then we got the dissection kit... Kel grabbed the scalpel and was like, (my name here), im keepin this away from u... and i was like holy crap

it was just b/c of the nightmare i had.. when i was 100% awake. i told the whole possey bout it. soo creepy...
so i was sitting alone in my dads car. ttly depressed cuz my LA project was dying. (tay, member that?) so i was just sitting there and it was like one of those ife-flashed-before-my-eyes moments that happen in movies.. but it was more a premonition. i saw clearly myself. sitting on the floor, cutting my arms. not like my wrists but like from wrist to elbow diagonally. and i heard a truck go behind me and i thought, thats the way to end this- jump in front of a truck. and then the vision was gone and i was like holy crap, did i jst think that?? i was scared out of my mind. so for the next few days, i felt a funny sensation in my arm whenever i handled sharp objects.

and sometimes, i still do feel funny. like my arms are daring me, begging me, to cut. but mostly only when im depressed out of my wits.

i am such a screwed up little person...

totally freakin out. all day. i told anna that i tried to cut last night (more later)... and amanda almost overheard. i was like oh its nothing... just stress. and i didnt sleep well last night. hey, it was only a partial lie, a lie of omission... nuthin wrong with that.

so wat i mean by "tried" to cut is that i actually held a sharp object to my wrist. (i no, i no, major artery. watevs.) barely broke the surface tho, no blood. im not a cutter. yet. i dunno how much longer i can hold out, help me chlo...

and yes, chlo, im listening. i luv u 2. please stop for my sake if not for you..im always here for you. my trust can take anything now, i swear. couldnt abandon you now.
"cold turkey", grl. be strong. i know you can do it

and u no wat anna and tay said when i told them? "why are you so depressed?? ur life is FINE!" and it just blew me away. i thot u guys cared. i thot maybs i'd get a little sympathy, but noooo.... i get silence and anger. and you think you're the only confused ones... i dont have control over my own life anymore. i could break at the drop of a hat.

well wish me luck
if i can hold out until summer i should be fine
i swear, my music is all thats keeping me from going over the edge. its the only thing that makes me feel ok instead of empty

still no pineapples or unicorns
'raiya

PS. shout outs to peace_love_empathy!!

i wanna so bad i dont know how much longer i can hold out i wanna see the blood run i wanna feel the pain i want ppl to see my scars.. i wanna escape it all and now i have no one to stop me o god guys help

i dont wanna do it cuz i wont be able to stop but the pain is too great not to

somebody come pull me out of this

and get that broken glass out of your room (you know who you are)
at least so far im still thinking straight but my parents will soon figure out im not ok that its not just physical exhaustion its emotional too and i dont want them to know just how fucked up i am

no pineapples tonite

Raiya

well. i found something out about a friend i hoped id never hear. cheers. i just feel like i wasnt enough for her, enough to stop her. how many times, i wonder, did she say something that would have let me know and i was too shallow to see it? i knew it, sort of, like really deep down. but i didnt wanna say it...

so i'll go freak out in private now

Zaraiya

doubt in your faith
what you build you lay to waste
there's truth in your lies
doubt in your faith
all i've got's what you didn't take

how true, if you replace the "you/r"s with "me/my"s. i have left myself in pieces. hah, chlo, remember Mon. night? this song IS us. you get the secrets and i get the regrets.

well, mom is back. bleh. she freaked out like 3 times in the short time she's been home. boo.

i wrote this poem for my SS teacher Mrs. Forbes- i know it sucks and is really corny, but she'll (hopefully) appreciate it.

[deleted the poem- it really SUCKED ASS- 6/6]

she's retiring this year. let me no how bad it is- KittyKat_13@verizon.net

peace luv pineapples and sprinklers (see mieolhc's journal for that one),
<3 'raiya

as the ocean opens up to swallow you

quite possibly my favorite line off the whole cd. finally listened to Minutes to Midnight, and boy was it a letdown. here i am, looking for something to rival Hybrid Theory, and i get a slow, just-like-everyone-else cd. fuck. dont get me wrong, i LOVE M2M. but when compared to HT, the new cd is nuthin. oh well.

hey anna, u reading this?... i didn't think so. sorry about my lack of faith and diminishing trust, but its not gonna be a one-way friendship. give and take, not just me giving and you walking away.

crappy mood today. sorry. had a private lesson w/ Kathy- Dante (my cute little pony!! awwwww... well not really mine but whatevs. he is if i say he is so there.) was absolutely a doll and i did really good. Kathy was really happy w/ me. but my thighs are gonna KILL 2morro... but it was worth it. completely worth it.

so yeah. not much to say. no school tomorrow, then my final is due and the countdown begins.... yay!

i wonder if CC got M2M... ill have to ask him. its sumthin to talk about, way better than me being really dull and uninteresting...*shrug*

Linkin Park FOREVER!!!

peace love and pineapples
<3 'raiya

..but she'll be back on tuesday. meh. well, i guess i cant keep my happiness forever... jk. im not actually that happy that she's gone. meh. but anyway..

i decided i'm gonna pretend less. it's not like my *ahem* "friends" actually notice anyway. and if she did notice, its not like she'd really care. she's too bubbly to bother with a little nobody like me.

...i'm sorry; did i say "she"? oops, haha. may as well be honest with myself. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE when i am depressed or bothered. and its like, i dont want sympathy, but if she noticed at least I know she'd care. that's the other question- does she not see it b/c im HIDING it, or is she that stupid/oblivious, or does she just not care? i gotta know before this totally wrecks our friendship. MY doubts, killing everything. Just a normal day...

god, now i'm gonna cry. i just emailed her everything i just said to you all... god, she's gonna hate me tomorrow. if i believed in God, i'd be praying right now. but at the age of 14 going on 2, i know better.

well much love kiddies. feel better than me... wallowing in my imagined shadows and pretended dreams, my created pain and darkened soul.

well, there goes my good mood. i was totally laughing over the Spanish version of Whenever (shakira, eww. but its so funny cuz its in Spanish and i am NOT bilingual. lol, i have no clue wat she's saying.) and now i'm listening to Defying Gravity (from Wicked) which just reminds me of her. *sniff* gawd, guyz, i cant do this.

peace luv and pineapples
'raiya

oh yeah- on the bright side, i'm starting to come around to Tay's viewpoint on CC. lol. i don't know why, but i'm feeling lucky on that front...

to The Firm:
people do read our journals and they do care. ur a guy, u dont know anything about 13-year-old girls.

ha. i read your journal. and u said people wouldn't.
i'll take that ten bucks now, please

and i'll quote my friend on this one: "hey poindexter, go fuck a meatball!"

lots of luv, sucker

noitigam, u ROX. thx for standin up for all us 13 yr olds here...

and in response to The Firm's second post: what do i expect from a 15 yr old boy? how about a little respect and a little tolerance?

oh, and maybs a little maturity. that would be nice. maturity enough not to go around insulting people you don't know. thnx a ton, bud.

Zaraiya

you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me

that's how i felt all day... yeah. felt like total crap. another day wasted going to school and doing MCAS... wahoo. luvly fun, that is. sooo yeah...

and then i came home and finished Forever in Blue. the last Traveling Pants book. sooo good... felt so inspired and uplifted. yay!
so i had a complete turnaround- i made a major decision here. im gonna ask CC to the dance on the 14th. when the right moment comes, i'll know. and i'll do it. and the funny thing is, i wont really care if he says yes or no. the satisfaction will be in actually getting up the courage to ask him and letting him know i like him. (and then i'll be totally fuckin gorgeous at the dance so if he says no he'll regret it haha :) )so yeah... wish me luck!

o yeah- im officially 14. u can see how mich of a big deal that is at my house by the way i almost forgot about it. my B-day was yesterday :) and CC remembered :) he asked me a question and was like oh, happy birthday, by the way, and i was like o thanx! and nikita was all like OH! Happy Birthday! (yes, she definiteley used caps) and i was happy

...and we got new seats in math today. i now sit next to *him*. i cant stand *him* anymore. yuck. long story; dont ask; DONT wanna talk about it. and CC no longer sits at all near me. :( tear tear. my chances are now closer to zilch than ever before...
but the funny thing is, as the BarraKuda announced it, CC said *something* to me... i didnt understand what it was. but did i hear... regret? in his voice? hmmm... regret at what, though? not being able to talk w/ ali and me or just regret that we had to change seats at all? i really dont know.... gimme a day or two on this.

i.
think.
i'm.
in.
love.

maybs. dunno wat 'love' is really suposed to mean; but ill find out sooner or later. damn, im really desperate for a boyfriend... o well. theres only 1 guy i'll take as a bf right now and i've heard he already has a gf and he'd nvr like me like that neway...:(

sooo yeah... ali's party was funner than sneha's... sry u guyz couldnt go, chlo and tay... some fave quotes:

"must we have deeply philosophical conversations over cake and ice cream? it just feels WRONG!" ~me

"you missed all the boobfun" ~Hana

"pinkies don't swear..." ~Hannah (followed by a middle-finger-swear substituted for a pinky-swear)

"the book of doom and destruction" ~Hannah again

..can't remember any more off the top of my head, sry. sooo much fun tho... and the best part is that Hana's bf Dean thinks it was a coed party. when it was really all girls. so she's gonna tell him we stayed up late playing "really fun games" and talking about "sketchy stuff"... lol. luv her soo much. tay and chlo, u guyz wood have luved her too.

must go now, have social studies homework to do and mosquitos to fend off... haha, mosquitos. but that's a story for another entry. remind me to tell that one and the one about the truck and the premonition... KittyKat_13@verizon.net

peace luv and pineapples
<3 'raiya

...or so they said. i dunno who "they" is but there's been a whole lotta truble over what they wrote in the 8th grade bathroom... basically threats against the whole school. so they searched our backpacks this morning and everything... wat a waste of time. i hate my school. cannot wait for WA. its gonna rock even if i get lost because we won't have the BarraKuda any more nor will we have mr cohen the asshole principal. wat school pride... actually there's not much there to be proud of, but watevs.

so i've been thinking... this one line in Famous Last Words. "So many bright lights that cast a shadow". regardless of wat evryone here says about that line, it kinda got me thinkin about my own life. If every bright light casts a shadow, then i think i'm entering the one cast by my sunburst the other day. (see 5/5 entry if u don't know wat i'm talking about) ehh yeah. so life= getting suckier. i keep fogetting that my birthday is on Monday cuz theres so much other shit going on in my life right now. and now my BFF has gone to DC for the weekend and crap so i have no one to bitch about my life to...

...on the plus side, im borrowing like 7 or 8 CDs of hers, which rox. i *hope* ill get the Black Parade for my birthday... or FOB tickets, but i know thats not gonna happen. :( depressing... ES is going w/o parents, i am so jealous... oh well...

soooo.... yeah. not much else to say 'cept CC is reeeally hott and talks to me like A LOT... he rox. i luv him

peace luv and pineapples!
Zaraiya
email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net

and living's just a waste of death"
~Fall Out Boy, Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)

love that line. how appropriate, too, eh? anyway... sorry no posts since Thursday. To fill you all in on the events since then:

Thurs: stayed up till 10:30 to finish my Lewis and Clark project. and didn't finish. not even close.

Fri: got up at 5:30 to finish. didn't get to school until 7:40. then had to watch all my friends in band chorus or orchestra head off to Great East competition and then to SixFlags. i was supposed to go with them, but the 'rents wouldnt let me. suxed. a lot. but i went shopping that afternoon so all was well :)

Sat: riding lesson was AWESOME! rode Dante (the little pony that threw me twice at the last show, lol) and cantered and stuff... i did really well, so my instructor says. i luv her. she pushes us really hard but the end result is awesome. just like me :P jk. later went to the food drive in Lowell. was fun. met cute guy <3. didnt talk to him tho. still feel like i missed out on a chance there, even tho i *should* just get over him. normally i'd have forgotten already but this time... i dunno. teenage emotional instability? fucking hormones...

Sun: went to Gramma's. wen fishing with Dad. caught two all by myself. unhooked 'em and everything. was so cool. i luv sunfish :)

so, about today... hurm. wat happened worth mentioning?

...still thinking...

...ok not much coming to mind. but that's my life for ya. ohh yeah- got into another fight w/ my mom. wahoo. four years. gotta live thru four years until i can move out. not gonna be able to wait tho- in 2 yrs. or less i'll be in therapy... i can tell. even if ur my therapist, chlo. lol. so yeah...

still kinda depressed, for no real reason. i'll prolly see Sean (thats the cute guy) again at some point, i mean really, he's in my GS leader's husband's boy scout troop, so its not like i've ttly lost him. i dont even no y i'm thinkin about him so much. i'm still like absolutely in love with CC <3 even tho he'd never like me back... ah well. such is life...

peace love and pineapples
Zaraiya

oh ps. email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net
i really need sumthin to do... *yawn* essays about Shakespeare characters are SOO dull and unentertaining...

helloo.... sorry i havent posted in a little while, and this is gonna be a quick one cuz i have a major social studies project to do... friggin map of the lewis and clark expedition. this sux. a lot. the map is freaking hand drawn (and it looks absolutely smashing if i do say so myself, despite being less than half done) and its taking me FOREVER... shit. i'm nvr gonna finish it... o well.

i think i failed the frigging science essays... i cant wait for my first-ever F. lovely thot there.

well parents are still being bitches. dont have time to go into detail (sry. but its not like anyone wants to listen to me bitch... or read it for that matter) mom is going away for 5 days soon and I CANT WAIT... gonna try to get out of the house wearing eyeliner. erm... excuses... school pictures? nah, thats over... 'it's a look, dad. mom won't let me try it out but i thot maybs u wood...' thats not gonna work either. i'll work one out, no worries.

well i must run. sorry this is so short and lacking in details. i'll try to come back to this stuff l8r.

peace, love and pineapples,
<3 'raiya

gonna repeat WishingForYou's sentiment on this one- congrats boredude! hope life keeps getting better for ya :)

luvs ya all
<3 'raiya

at least mine do. can't stand them any more! every nite its the same convo- mom tells dad 'you're eating too much!' and she proceeds to bitch about his eating habits and how he used to be skinny and blah blah blah... i zone out and roll my eyes. fuck u mom, shut the hell up, i dont care... and then tonite they were arguing about this project i'm supposed to be doing and how i haven't started the map yet (it's due on friday! i'm not worried! fuck school!) and how she thinks my music is to blame- which its not. its really background noise, i dont pay much attention to it at all! and she's just like no it is! u have to take it off ur comp! and im like NO! freaking not gonna happen! fuck u!

...not that i actually said that to her... but still, pissed the frick off. its like, wtf did i do wrong? and the answer is.. drumroll please... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! and it PISSES ME OFF! i cant wait till i can get out of this fucking town and live far far away from them. maybs i'll move to the north pole. then i wont have to deal w/ anyone but myself. and it will be mine, all mine... heh heh... jk. but seriously... college in four years. i can live for that long, right? i can only hope...*rolls eyes*

hey chlo + tay, can i move in w/ one of u guys?

btw, peeps, supersize me is the nastiest movie i've ever seen. don't watch it. ick.

anyhoo... no important convos w/ CC to fill u in on :( sad, i know. but watevs.

i swear i'm gonna go into withdrawal w/o my music. its wat i need to LIVE, i tell u.

but i needs must go, dearies. luv u all and all my usual shit.

<3 'raiya

o, and one more thing- thx to WishingForYou for feedback on the excerpt :)

pray for them, if u believe... they're gonna need it. i'm hanging by such a thread. by day, i'm like the spazziest person u can meet. my friend's stepmom said i was 'glowing' and 'blossoming'. right. she has no fuckin idea. so then at night, ya no, once the sun goes down and the dark sets in, the same transition takes place in my soul. is this normal? for me, prolly; for any sane, normal person, probably not. u no the song imaginary by evanescence? that line about the paper flowers always made me think they'd just dissolve if it rained. i'm one of those flowers. it starts raining and i'm depressed and out in it, i fall apart. completely. sometimes my 'depression to the point of clarity'. sometimes to the point of crying. right now, its raining inside watever is left of my soul. i think, if i could step out of my life, if i could step out of my body, if i could see the world thru someone else's eyes, i could be so much happier. but i can't, and so i'm not. which sux.

im sorta afraid that this pattern- happy/depressed. happy/depressed. wake up-crash-cheer up-crash-fall asleep- will never end. i'll be like that for the rest of my life. even worse, i wont be able to hide it any longer and my friends will find out how fucked up i really am. ha, i "drop the f-bomb" way too much in this journal. and i bitch way too much. and complain and whine and crap. all about things not really worth complaining about. and myself. self-hatred is one thing that i'm really good at. so is finding and bitching about my own insufficiencies.

to quote linkin park:
"i dont know what's worth fighting for
or why i have to scream
i dont know why i instigate
and say wat i dont mean
i dont know how i got this way
i'll never be alright
so i'm breaking the habit
i'm breaking the habit
tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
cuz i'm the one at fault
i'll never fight again
and this is how it ends"

except that i CAN'T break this habit. i am the one at fault, but i'm still fighting. myself. my friends. my parents. conformity. society. basically, even life itself sometimes. this isnt how it ends though- it will never end. for me there is no light at the end of the tunnel; for all i know, the tunnel could have no end. for all i know, i could be walking in circles. all i know is that i keep hitting the walls and splattering, putting myself back together. the wrong way. there seems to be no right way to put myself back together. at least my life isnt what's shattering- i still have something to fall back on. my life support.

i dont know if my unicorns will make it. we'll see. you'll all be invited to the memorial service if they don't. rsvp- KittyKat_13@verizon.net

one thing i do know- i like metaphors way too much. and make them too elaborate. and bore you all with my poetic bitching (isnt that ironic?)

luv u all
<3 'raiya

ps. shout outs to WishingForYou! you go grl, good luck with the Hugger!

haha how retarded is that? i'm taking German at school yet here i am speakin spanish... go figure.

life is not so sucky anymore! yay! but... i know myself too well. gotta enjoy this while i can, b/c it wont be long till i fall apart again. ah well. so... wats new... hmmm.. 2day was really boring. me + Ali played tennis w/ Dan and Brad in gym. it was really funny. i thinks maybs (dont kill me chlo) maybs little teeny tiny crushy voice in the back of my head.... scaring myself.

so. i have *achoo* cat hair *ack* all over my *pfft* face and *bleck* keyboard. my kitty's being a sweetie tho. hes so cute. nvmd, he just bit me. anyhoo, u can tell i'm bored when i'm talking about my freakin CAT... =^..^= Transformations of etc. etc. went well... but no one got the reference. no one even asked :( twas so sad...

ha. i luv screwing around on the comp when im supposed to be doing homework. this is so much more rewarding than stuff i'll forget in 2 days. I"M LEAVIN MY MARK ON HUMANITY! THIS IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN STUFF I HATE! just had to get that out. ha, my only mark is freakin u all out. o well...

wat else. not much, too be honest. I'm pretty boring when i'm not depressed or hyper. :( oh yeah- I HATE THE BARRAKUDA! she is absoulutely the WORST teacher i've ever had. i swear. such a bitch. the only good thing is that CC sits in the row next to me and 1 seat up in math so if BarraKuda says something really ridiculous or incredibly stupid we glance @ each other and start laughing... and we talk alot instead of working... jeezus, i really am a slacker! haha! luv it.

...CC also has the locker next to mine *sigh* jk, jk. not THAT obsessed. anyway, today, i asked him wat books we needed to bring home. a short convo ensues and he leaves... but he said bye! i dunno if he was just bein polite or if like, well, u no, but i dont really wanna get my hopes up. cuz i know hope is the last thing i have in this situation. :( but it's not the first time he's done that... one day i went back to school after hours (ugh, i no) to get a textbook. he was there for peer mediators (he is one. otherwise he wouldnt be there. i swear, i don't think he could ever get into a fight with someone). so i started chatting w/ him and a couple other kids (ND and TG) and when the convo kinda lulled i was like, 'well i gotta go cya' and he said bye. no one else seemed to notice that i was goin. i guess i should be glad that i have his friendship, sorta, but i want more, to be honest.i wanna like ask him to the last dance but he's way too popular for me. he has the most gorgeous eyes... ah fuck that. i've been on the sidelines for so long, waiting longer can't possibly kill me. i dont think i could take being rejected by him. *sigh...*

well hope ur life is less borin than mine...:)

<3 'raiya

so how are YOUR unicorns????

i've eaten m+m cookies and all is well :) that's all i need to keep me happy- chocolate, music, and a blog... lol. i just realized that my bday is in like 2 weeks and i have absolutely no plans. for anything, like a party or even like if i want a cake. ha ha. my friemd's havin a party this weekend (cant wait) and it sorta feels like a competition now- she's invitin like 50 bazilion ppl and anything I do wont be anywhere near as fun. o well. i'll prolly have a couple BFFs over for a sleepover or sumthin little... but i really wanna have a bash. :( so ya. this entry was kinda pointless... o well. dont really care.

make cookies, not war! <3 'raiya

i feel so bad for my friend =[ she thinks she's in love w/ this guy. she says hes perfect for her. dont get me wrong, i think he'd be great, for her anyway. maybs not my cup of tea, but its her choice. if she likes him, i'll support her. but anyway. i'm kinda worried for her cuz she's been sorta kicked around by guys b4 and i don't want that to happen again. she's a really stong person on the outside, but she's still really fragile inside after this one guy ttly tore her apart. so its like, i'm really happy for her and want her to go for it. but at the same time i'm ttly reluctant to encourage her- for her own sake. i don't think any of my friends could bear to watch her fall apart over a guy again. last time was bad enuff. and of course, me being the self-centered, whiny, bratty little bitch that i am, this all brings me back to my own past record of failed crushes and my own current guy. i'm going thru the same feelings about doing something about my crush as i am about hers. at least with hers, the guy is on the same social level as us. w/ mine its a huge jump from our place on the social scale to his. so its not like i'm actually gonna ask him out or anything. 'all my talk of taking action/ these words were never true'- how appropriate. ha. ha. ha.

but anyhoo... erm. not much else to say except the usual- i luvs u all, whoever u are, and thx for being there for me and putting up w/ my bitching :P

<3 'raiya

ps. reeally bored... email me KittyKat_13@verizon.net

and im stepping into the sun. and ive learned to let go, sort of. more on that l8r. to fill u all in:

the concert ROCKED!! AC actually wasnt bad. and he actually shut up for a while. i was so proud of him. lol. the group that played Taco Bell's Canon- sry, Pacobels Canon, just cant stop myself- was SOO FUCKIN GOOD!! it was so pretty! but long. lol

the dance was awesome. not so great music, but they played Dance Dance and Thnks Fr Th Mmrs and WTTBP and... erm... SEXY BACK!! haha! i hate that song so much! CC (sooo hott!!) was imitating Justin Timberlake- funniest thing ive evr seen!!! OMG!! ttly trumps a GUY being Hannah Montana for Halloween. lol. i had so much fun. and it was there that i learned to let go- for a little while anyway :)

i was all depressed and crap b/c CC was teachin these grls how 2 dance and i wasnt one of them. i felt such horrible jealousy. it felt so... wrong to be jealous of them, cuz its not like he was w/ 1 grl or like slow dancin w/ them, but still. i was. and my friend was really down cuz her crush wasnt there ='( and my other friend was spazzin out b/c she wasnt sure about the kid she said she'd go 2 the dance w/...and my otha friend was ttly rockin out w/ the eyeliner. wat were u on, chlo??? that was awesome!! luv ya 21 death, chlo and tay- hope ur all feelin better. nehoo, i was bein a party pooper and i was like, wth, may as well have fun anyway. the first time i remember having willingly let go of my problems and putting other people first. unfortunately not something i do often. gotta change that... *yells at self for being a self-centered bratty bitch a lot of the time*

but it was a lot of fun. but now i have a dilemma- do i tell CC that i ttly love him and have 4 like the longest time or do i just watch him walk away? i dont quite no wat the best thing would be. i'm already on pretty good terms with this kid and dont want to lose that. but i cant just stand by and watch. i just dont kno!!! we have one more dance this year. do i ask him to it? next week is the carnival. do i ask him to hang out there if my parents will let me go? or do i just wait for next year and see wat happens? ha, at least this time its an action i'm putting under scrutiny, not myself or someone else.

well, watevs. that's the least of my worries right now. the main one is how too keep the good mood i'm in (and how to hide it if i'm not). the YA board meeting was so funny. Greg (hi skooler, chlo + tay, not lowe. haha, that name is so ironic... lowe... he's 6'3"... lol.) is really hot too. but he's a junior so he's way out of my league :( o well.

its a beautiful day out... i think i'll go enjoy the real sunshine as well as the metaphorical stuff

this is the happiest entry i've had. and probably the shortest one too. lol. hope the trend stays

luvs u all. thx for puttin up w/ me
<3 'raiya

i have such issues. damn, where did i go? im seeing a lot of my life in the 3rd person. like, i see it in the cold light of depression a lot, and i get so much insight from this perspective. but then its like, fuck, what'd i do to myself to get like this? i don't know why but i go to school in the morning and i'm in such a crappy mood. then at school i'm happy most of the time, and by lunch if i haven't crashed it's a good day. but i get home and everything just crashes down on my head, the thunderclouds come rolling in. i come here and bitch about my day. wahoo. wat a wonderful existence. some days i come home, and i'm just about ready to burst into tears. like now, after reading revealing_too_much's journal. makes my problems look pretty insignificant. and i know that if i could just let go i'd probably make it alright; but me being who i am (and what i am) i no that i can't let go, i might need to remember this so i dont make the same mistake again. so i can forgive myself, because no one else can or will. ah, fuck.

sometimes i just want to run away, from this fucking town, from my parents, even from my friends. but mostly i just want to get away from myself, to stop drowning in my shitty self-pity and invented hopelessness. i know i could be okay if i wanted to. and that's the worst part. I can't let myself go. I'm too concerned with hiding who i really am- which is who you all have met here and learned to despise and ignore b/c i complain about myself too much. i'm too concerned with fitting in and being normal that I can't let myslef go. i'm trying so hard to be normal that i can't. and then i pour everything out here and though i would love to hear back from someone half a world away, someone who doesnt know me, someone who can tell me everything is all right and convince me it's true, i know nobody other than me and my friends read this. so what is the fucking point of this? why do i fucking bother? no one's gonna listen to some bitchy thirteen-year-old and care.

i just have to get out of here, of this pattern, of my school, of my own life. i'm the main reason i'm so screwed up and have so many issues. i'm pretty sure i have manic depression. i know i do. and i hide it. the worst part is that i know i need help and dont want it. i don't care how bad my life gets. i dont care about much of anything anymore. a fuck, i'm crying now. and it's my fault cuz i went and put all my feelings down and amplified them. for the whole world to read, to laugh at, to write off as one more fucky hormonal kid. I just... i want... i need... i dont know. or care. i guess i want to be everything i'm not, so i can get the guy and go be some frickin superkid who can go kick some serious ass. it's just...like, whenever i want to pour my soul out to someone i know, i dont want to, because they know me. and they'll try to convince me that i'm an ok person, which i'm not, and that my life is so much better than theirs. which it could be but i'd never know cuz i can't stop drowning in my own problems long enough to watch the people around me. i wanna go home but i dont no where that is. so i pull into myself, where i can be alone, and safe. im willing to sacrifice happiness for the comfort of my own mind.

i'm freaking almost crying and i don't even feel sad. just empty. alone. maybe abandoned. and shitty for complaining about things that really aren't so bad. they're only thoughts, after all, not actions that i need to tell anyone about. so many people in this world are worse off than me so i really shouldn't be complaining, but i cant stop myself. really that thought only makes me feel worse.

wow. i am such a screwed up little freak. im okay with it if u leave me here with my depression. i dont care about being alone anymore. the shadows of my mind are my company; my thoughts are my music; my tears and my fears, my best friends. it all just comes bubbling up out of me, i dont know where all this crap is coming from. im ready to start bawling any minute. the pain in my soul isn't even mine. or is it, coming from somewhere i can't remember? is it all my own inventions, taking everything too seriously? or is it real? all i know is that it hurts me so much. physically and mentally. the pain is what connects me to reality. and also takes me away from it; i'm stuck in my own in-between universe, watching everything rush past me and being too slow to react to it or grasp it as my life slides through my fingers and shatters on the ground. I had no idea i had so much inside me, so much to let loose, so much to break me apart. and so little to pull me back together.

please, if ur out there, let me know. i cant take this by myself any more. email me, KittyKat_13@verizon.net
all i want to do is run until there's nothing left, nowhere else to run to. so i'll flee to the shadows lurking in my mind.
come find me, the real me, pull me out of this

im gonna try to be happy and NOT depressing! yippee! it shouldnt be too hard cuz im so sugar high. well, i was like half an hour ago. we had a 2nd yrbk party 2day. which roxed. we played crack the whip (which i havent played since like 5th grade) and red rover outside after and it was awesome.

so my math project is gonna be awesome. not. its all about transformations of figures or images and crap. my pic is a cat. =^..^= so i'm gonna call my project Transformations Of A Cat Named Virtute. no one at my schools gonna get the reference, but thats ok. love that song! (Plea From... not Translations Of..., for those who don't know what I'm talking about.)

i have so much HW. i should be doing it but i'm not. yet again. i'm such a procrastinator :)
o ya. today i found out that Meriwether Lewis (lewis and clark lewis) was a depressed little freak. hmm. we must be related. lol. not funny, dunno y i'm laughing. but i am.

ok. now im gonna be depressing. i feel so bad for tay- 'the d-man' is really playing with her and just tearing her apart. he likes ES now, apparently (supposedly?), and its bugging her how she can't get over him. :(

ha, mieolhc, ur ttly right. white with pink polka dots. or maybe rainbows and unicorns. lol. i dont ttly think of my perception of the world as black. just hazy grey, with a few holes in the clouds so the sun can come through once in a while. see? what'd i tell u all? i get poetic when i'm in my freaky depressed mood. it makes me laugh, sometimes, though it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel like my life is rushing by me too quickly for me to live it. ya no wat i mean? its like wat squibb said- freaking whatifs all over the place. seriously, if my thoughts could paint a room... it'd be black and grey, dark almost-black purple... my thoughts scrawled across the walls in my own blood. the walls weeping for the pain i hide so well, the pain i can't explain... the pain i've picked up from fictional characters of my own inventions. the bloody words smearing, rewriting themselves, scarring the wallboard...how fucked up am i really? am i scaring you yet? nobody ever said this journal would be normal. i can't wait for summer so i won't have to stop hiding everything and i won't need reasons to go for walks in the rain by myself. it just scares me how dark i can get, then turn around and there is my mask of my own unicorns, though no one sees that they're black and fading fast. it takes effort to pretend to be happy, u no. i think i'll delete this entry tomorrow. so not too many people think i have major issues. which i do. cheers, drink up...

haha. so much for being happy in this entry. once i actually find a place i can let everything go, i fall into my deepest thoughts and throw them out, black text flying across the blank page, filling it until there's nothing left inside. and then i read it and know i need help, from friends so close to me, but also doubt they can ever completely fix me. i just need someone to talk to, someone who won't care how fucked up i am, how bitchy i am, someone i can tell everything, someone who won't back off and leave me. in other words, probably some devout christian kid as my bf, to convince me i can be saved (haha, revelationsboy. i wish. *sigh*). even tho i won't believe it.

o ya, mieolhc- jumped out of the plane and took the only parchute, as we fly on into the storms of our emotions

btw, shout outs to squibb17! hope u cheer up Emilee! not that this entry will help u with that...

<3 'raiya

ps. scarred, if ur reading this, email me. KittyKat_13@verizon.net
i think i no wat ur going thru. and FastFallerSky- omg! you poor girl! hugs all around, guys and gals. all of u. luvs ya all. actually, u no wat, just any of u, help end depression and get me out of this hole i've dug for myself.

pps. sorry, all, i wrote another novel, and by adding an apology, im just making it longer :}

ppps. if ur gonna email me put SongMeanings in the subject line so i no wat the email is thx :)

i no i wrote another novel. i don't care. i also wanted to apologize for mieolhc's censoring her journal since i'm the main reason she censored that particular comment. im sorry i censored mine too thx for putting up w/ me

luv u all
<3 'raiya

well this sux. i just had like another novel-length entry written and then my computer spazzed and erased the whole frickin thing. anyway. it wasn't really a great one, just more bitching about how sucky my life is, but im still pissed that i have to rewrite the whole thing. ya. so anway. i'm *ahem* doing homework, not writing an entry, got it? i never did this. haha, i love goofing off when i'm supposed to be working. How random was that? But that's me for ya. haha. i crack myself up. anyway, gonna list good things in life b4 i bitch about the bad:
1. we have a dance on friday! i can't wait!

2. the math project is now due on Monday. so happy. apparently our teacher did this because we're "putting a lot of effort into it" and she doesn't want to rush us. Ha. Ha. Ha. in other words, i get a few more days to procrastinate and not do it. whee! i love this.

3. i had 2 "parties" at school today! fun. cookies and cupcakes and soda in German, and pizza and soda at yearbook. editors only, mwahahaha! i'm photography editor. yay! it's fun. the food was good. it's food; since when is that anything /but/ good??

4. we're acting out scenes from A Midsumer Night's Dream and I know all my lines! (more or less) haha, Tay, u kick some ass as Demetrius. I'm Hermia, which is kinda the opposite of the so-called *normal* me. haha, like i'm ever normal. lol, that's a good one. anyway, my friend, who is naturally like Hermia, is playing Helena and has to act like a wimp. total reversal of real-life roles, right there. lol.

5. the kid i like knows i exist. YAAY!! lol. he's so hott... ;P

6. ummm... i was on such a sugar high today. like even b4 all the cookies and crap. and the orange soda bubbles that went up my nose. lol. not even kidding. they really did! it was sooo funny. and i had no one to share the hilarity with :'( i'm not sure if it was a real sugar high or not, maybs it was just sumthin to hide my depressed-ness. (does that even work as a word? watevs.)

7. I ripped the CD my friend (mieolhc) gave me. i swear i'm like addicted to it. listen to it every day. freakish.

erm... haha. thats really all i can think of now. so im gonna start bitchin cuz i have nuthin better 2 do:

1. we have MCAS on my B-day (frickin standardized tests, for u peeps who don't live in MA)

2. we get progress reports on my b-day. not that I have anything to worry about, but still.

3. the kid i like *probably* has a gf. which means yes he does.

4. we have MCAS on my b-day.

5. my earbuds died.

6. my mom is still being a bitch. i really have no reason to be mad at her, but I am like all the time. dunno y. just am. she's just really getting on my nerves.

7. i feel like i'm losing one of my best friends. she's hanging out w/ like everyone but me more and more. Tay, i want- need?- u to no i'm not blaming u for this in ANY WAY. its just her. and i dunno what i did to fall out of her favor. she's what holds my 'possey' together. so if i lose her ttly, i'll have no place in my clique. and i am so sick of her begging for money every day to buy a second dessert when she has like all this crap still on her tray. im just like, eat whatcha got, fuck u. but i don't say anything at all. she's just pulling away from me. or am i just pulling into myself? i really don't know. or care. all that matters is the end results. and i'm afraid to think of what they could be.

8. did i mention we have MCAS on my birthday?

9. my mom won't get me FOB tickets. :'( i'm so jealous of ES. she's going w/o parents. I WANNA GO SO FRICKIN BAD!!! waah!! anyway....

10. we have a concert on Thurs. i dont wanna go. my stand partner, AC, doens't know what he's doing. and neither do I. its gonna suck. and i hate the black and white concert dress. its so boring. and i can't play the pieces we're doing very well, even tho they're not that hard.

11. I'm like the only kid in the orchestra thats not going to Great East and SixFlags. this sux. the band, chorus, and orchestra are all going, and I'm not. i think i'll stay at home that day and cry.

um. um. ya. i have nothing left to say. poot. haha, thats a funny word. anyway. i need someone to talk to other than myself. email me. KittyKat_13@verizon.net. as long as ur not a creepy stalker. lol. luv u all to death even tho i've never talked to u. ur there for me whether you want to or not, so thx.

<3 'raiya

i no i already posted 2day but i dont really care. my mom is being a total bitch. so this one pair of jeans i have is like really long and kinda drags on the ground (whose dont?) and she like freaked out at me cuz the hem was ripping. 'u shood nvr have worn them to camp! theyre ur good school pants!!' well evryone else's pants look like that, so i dont really care! so she freaking cut the bottom off and rehemmed them. she RUINED them! its no fun when ur mom is such a control freak about what u wear. like seriously, i have this one jean skirt that comes down to the tips of my fingers when my arms are at my sides. IT FOLLOWS THE FRICKIN SCHOOL DRESS CODE and she still isnt gonna let me wear it. she says its too short. i swear she's still livin in the 1800s. shes such a prude. and it pisses me off. i think im gonna go insane.

ok, now she's really pissing me off. she comes in my room- without waiting 4 me to answer her knock- and is like, you should probably practice, and im like, ya i no, and we have the concert thurs. and i dont wanna go cuz i suck and its not gonna be fun. she says you'll do fine. and im like, no i wont, i sit next to A.C. and he doesnt no wat he's doin and its gonna be horrible and i start bitching about it, and she's like, im leaving now. and im silently like, WTF?? as the dor shuts behind her. i no my bitching is not fun to listen to (i complain about evrything. i really am a shitty person.), but i thot parents were supposed to like listen regardless and try to make u feel better. so is that gonna happen? nope. i need to get out of here. majorly.

so now she knocks, and im like WHAT??? and she just comes in and is like, i could just barge in and not say knock knock! and looks at me really bitchily. i think not waiting for someone to say u can come in counts as barging in, so she already does. i hate my family.

***

well that was really bitchy. thats the way i really am tho so ya... self-hatred and depression are my #1 skills. wahoo. on to happier things. our LA teacher is having us act out scenes from A Midsummer Night's Dream and i get to be Hermia. fun. im absolutely loving this. my fave Shakespeare play is Much Ado About Nothing, but this'll do. so ya. hope ur day is happier than mine was. enjoy life while u can and all that crap.

'it's not so pleasant and its not so conventional
it sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal'

i wish that could apply right now. anything unordinary would be so welcome. my life is such a regular pattern and its driving me CRAZY. i just got back from the same GS weekend as mieolhc (fun fun fun! 'but im not!' lol.) and already my like freakishly depressed happiness (how weird is that? im only truly happy when I'm depressed and see the world clearly. depression to the point of clarity, i think i called it.) is now completely and utterly gone. I swear, i need that feeling to LIVE. otherwise... well, fill in the blanks. im not stupid or crazy enuff to be suicidal, but i've been just a step away from cutting before. lovely. anyway.. wat was i saying? o ya. so my freaky happiness is gone and now im back to the boring normal routine. bleh. can i go back to camp for a week? i miss having an upstairs porch. i wish it was raining again. i love rain, and freezing my butt off... jk. i dunno y, but when im happily depressed i dont give a frick about cold or wet. like at all. but its nice to sit outside in the freezing cold and rain on an upstairs porch in a tanktop, jeans and socks and have deeply philosophical convos... so much fun i forgot to have a good time. no, it really is nice, u shood try it some time. just dont forget to go back inside or u'll get hypothermia. i dont wanna be responsible for any hospitalizations :)
jeez im positive. ya, so we were talking about.. o crap, i forgot it. gimme a sec, it'll come back...evrything in our lives thats really screwed up. which is a lot, trust me. and it was nice to finally say evrything i feel and get it all out. it gets all bottled up and i start flipping out at all the wrong ppl just because they just happen to be there. anyway, i think thats all. for now. until evrything starts getting horrible again. i dont no who u r if ur readin this but thx for bein there 4 me. luv u all already

"I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
'Honey if you stay you'll be forgiven'
Nothing you can say can stop me going home."

thats another thing right there. Where is home? its not my physical house and family, that's for sure. i doubt i'll evr find where i really belong. but that's really beside the point. im depressing myself, and not in my freakishly happy way. in a bad way. apparently, im very poetic when im happily depressed. but ive bored u enuff. signing off- hugs for evry1.

o. btw, for those of u that read mieolhc's journal, i'm the road-trip BFF. lol. that was kinda funner than i thot it would be. but thats another entry..

i'm really signing off this time. i promise.

'But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust me.)

I'm not okay.' and nvr will be. cheers.

this site is awesome!! thx evry1 for makin it so great. specially thx to the ppl who rote the songs, namely pete wentz the hottie :P. luvs u all already. Shout-outs to mieolhc! Heya grl! Ive arrived!

I'm comin up so u better get this party started!


ps. to blind: im not thinking about -/-/-/-/-/-/-! just so u no!