Nightmare

by Elimination on September 22, 2008 So I went to sleep at 8AM. I wanted to wake up at 12, but when I woke from my nightmare, it was already 5:45PM. In my nightmare, she replied to my letter. She told me she hated my fucking guts for writing that letter, and told me never to contact her again, and let her live a happy life with her boyfriend. I genuinely felt something I have never felt before. I not only felt inside, I felt as if I owed my emptiness something. In my nightmare, I stuck a knife into my stomach and twisted it, and then woke up in a hospital. Then I went out to the street, grabbed a cop's gun and started a shootout with cops. I had nothing to live for. I'm afraid reality isn't very different. I already know she doesn't feel the same way, and I already enlisted. I'm just trying to figure out what my nightmare means, more specifically. A website says dreaming about being wounded in a dream has something to do with old, emotional wounds, for example... Comments are disabled

An update.

by Elimination on September 19, 2008 Though nobody gives a shit. So I talked to her like two days ago. We talked about us, our potential future together and why it didn't happen, and all that stuff. I'm glad we talked it out, she finally said something about it, and that I'm done with that now. It's another piece of closure, anyway, and that means I'll have peace of mind at the field; at least regarding things I'll leave behind here. ...To think she gave me second thoughts about enlisting. It was very naïve to think for a second that anyone could give me a reason to stay; to think I could find what I'm looking for (aside from this quest of vengeance, that is)... It's been maybe 5 days since I sent the letter to the last part of the closure I need, and though I don't like to "prioritize" people, probably the most important person regarding all this shit. I reckon she's about 65% the reason I joined the army... when things between us fell like a collapsing bridge, that was when I felt I lost it all. Though indeed, I had nothing, having lost my family, friends, jobs, and motivation, I still had the blind hope of things between us going favorably, but my dreams shattered into the millions of shards that would sting my very soul for these past few months. Wounds may heal, but the scars remain there. Either way, I don't know if she's read it or not. I would hope to know whether she has or hasn't before I go away, but who knows... I'm keeping the training up, I had slowed down with the alcohol and all, but that was irresponsible. I trained with my knife today; if I depended on it, I wouldn't be so insecure about my skills with a knife at this point. I spent the 15th night/16th early morning with Fernanda. We hugged, 'cause Arturo told her I was acrophobic and we were at the roof of their building watching the fireworks. Haha, and the funniest thing is that Arturo tried to make look bad with that remark. Sometimes I think she does like me, but I' not sure... and I don't really care anyway. It's not like she needs me, or really wants me, or anything. Plus, I only got roughly three weeks remaining to live like this. I saw Jessyka the other day. She crashed her car... I fucked up my back, neck, right knee, and I busted my mouth open. I think she hurt her arm. I wanna make sure she's okay, but it would be conflictive to meet her with Melissa around. I know she's doing better than me on this, and I got no complaints, but still... If I'm lucky she'll call me. I feel strange saying goodbye to everyone. I feel as if on a countdown. But it's all for the best... Comments are disabled

"Predatel"

by Elimination on September 11, 2008 Or "traitor" in english. It would seem everyone has a price. Additionally, I received bad news yesterday. I don't think I care anymore, though. I'm leaving it all behind next month. I can't wait to be up in the north with my piece. I wish I get issued the FX-05, and not a G3A4. We'll see... Comments are disabled

Drunk

by Elimination on September 04, 2008 "I see your face in every drop of golden urine Reflections rippling in the bowl, the room is spinning I fall to my knees, oh God, please, I'm losing everything Retasting nachos, exhaling beer, I love getting drunk" That's how I feel. I'm still drunk from last night. I'll be hungover in a little while. I don't know what happened last night. I went out with my friends Mario and Arturo. Fer, Mario's sister, came with us, and Oscar, Arturo's cousin, showed up as well. I had a liter of vodka. Then some rum, then another liter of vodka, and I lost consciousness of how I got home and what happened. I hope I didn't disrespect anyone, or went hitting on Fer or shit like that. She's attractive, but she's only a recent friend, and a friend only. I got up a few hours ago, around 6AM... still quite drunk and I threw up a glass of water three times... didn't throw up more 'cause there was nothing to throw up. This isn't right... Comments are disabled