Nightmare

by Elimination on September 22, 2008 So I went to sleep at 8AM. I wanted to wake up at 12, but when I woke from my nightmare, it was already 5:45PM. In my nightmare, she replied to my letter. She told me she hated my fucking guts for writing that letter, and told me never to contact her again, and let her live a happy life with her boyfriend. I genuinely felt something I have never felt before. I not only felt inside, I felt as if I owed my emptiness something. In my nightmare, I stuck a knife into my stomach and twisted it, and then woke up in a hospital. Then I went out to the street, grabbed a cop's gun and started a shootout with cops. I had nothing to live for. I'm afraid reality isn't very different. I already know she doesn't feel the same way, and I already enlisted. I'm just trying to figure out what my nightmare means, more specifically. A website says dreaming about being wounded in a dream has something to do with old, emotional wounds, for example... Comments are disabled

An update.

by Elimination on September 19, 2008 Though nobody gives a shit. So I talked to her like two days ago. We talked about us, our potential future together and why it didn't happen, and all that stuff. I'm glad we talked it out, she finally said something about it, and that I'm done with that now. It's another piece of closure, anyway, and that means I'll have peace of mind at the field; at least regarding things I'll leave behind here. ...To think she gave me second thoughts about enlisting. It was very naïve to think for a second that anyone could give me a reason to stay; to think I could find what I'm looking for (aside from this quest of vengeance, that is)... It's been maybe 5 days since I sent the letter to the last part of the closure I need, and though I don't like to "prioritize" people, probably the most important person regarding all this shit. I reckon she's about 65% the reason I joined the army... when things between us fell like a collapsing bridge, that was when I felt I lost it all. Though indeed, I had nothing, having lost my family, friends, jobs, and motivation, I still had the blind hope of things between us going favorably, but my dreams shattered into the millions of shards that would sting my very soul for these past few months. Wounds may heal, but the scars remain there. Either way, I don't know if she's read it or not. I would hope to know whether she has or hasn't before I go away, but who knows... I'm keeping the training up, I had slowed down with the alcohol and all, but that was irresponsible. I trained with my knife today; if I depended on it, I wouldn't be so insecure about my skills with a knife at this point. I spent the 15th night/16th early morning with Fernanda. We hugged, 'cause Arturo told her I was acrophobic and we were at the roof of their building watching the fireworks. Haha, and the funniest thing is that Arturo tried to make look bad with that remark. Sometimes I think she does like me, but I' not sure... and I don't really care anyway. It's not like she needs me, or really wants me, or anything. Plus, I only got roughly three weeks remaining to live like this. I saw Jessyka the other day. She crashed her car... I fucked up my back, neck, right knee, and I busted my mouth open. I think she hurt her arm. I wanna make sure she's okay, but it would be conflictive to meet her with Melissa around. I know she's doing better than me on this, and I got no complaints, but still... If I'm lucky she'll call me. I feel strange saying goodbye to everyone. I feel as if on a countdown. But it's all for the best... Comments are disabled

"Predatel"

by Elimination on September 11, 2008 Or "traitor" in english. It would seem everyone has a price. Additionally, I received bad news yesterday. I don't think I care anymore, though. I'm leaving it all behind next month. I can't wait to be up in the north with my piece. I wish I get issued the FX-05, and not a G3A4. We'll see... Comments are disabled

Drunk

by Elimination on September 04, 2008 "I see your face in every drop of golden urine Reflections rippling in the bowl, the room is spinning I fall to my knees, oh God, please, I'm losing everything Retasting nachos, exhaling beer, I love getting drunk" That's how I feel. I'm still drunk from last night. I'll be hungover in a little while. I don't know what happened last night. I went out with my friends Mario and Arturo. Fer, Mario's sister, came with us, and Oscar, Arturo's cousin, showed up as well. I had a liter of vodka. Then some rum, then another liter of vodka, and I lost consciousness of how I got home and what happened. I hope I didn't disrespect anyone, or went hitting on Fer or shit like that. She's attractive, but she's only a recent friend, and a friend only. I got up a few hours ago, around 6AM... still quite drunk and I threw up a glass of water three times... didn't throw up more 'cause there was nothing to throw up. This isn't right... Comments are disabled

Raining blood... among other things

by Elimination on June 11, 2008 Holy fucking dogshit, this is the biggest bullshit I've seen since the xenophobic americans buidling a wall with Mexico's border, what the fuck is it with weather this year? We'd been scorching for a while, with heat now above 32°C even at early mornings, but a couple of days ago that went to shit and replaced us with something worse. So I went to the internet café the other day to upload Nevermore's Utopia, which is an amzing album/demo; it's also very rare, so check out some free music that's impossible to get anywhere else: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=O06CB9SP ...Yeah... So, then it starts raining, the power's out, I get kicked the fuck out, and guess what? The streets flooded. Well, thank you, asshole! I had the street in front of me and pond of about two meters in length of water almost knee-deep. To my right, a few meters of sidewalk, then an even deep and longer pond. And to my left, an even longer pond, but at least it was only slightly over ankle-deep. Goddamn, the water was as black as Burzum, and as contaminated as... shit, there's nothing to compare it to! Stepping into that water and sinking in your limbs meant a possible skin infection and motherfuckin' progressive ebola. But I ahd to... it was that, or staying there for at the very least some 5 hours. Fuck it. I crossed, tried to get a cab, but none were "in service" because of traffic jams that was 2 hours to advance maybe 30 feet. Of course, they could make a ridiculous amount there, but no, let's not work and then bitch that we're poor and shit. It's not like they could go home with that traffic 'till it was over, so why not make a buck in the meantime? So I walked some miles in those waters and finally got home. Goddammit, man, next time I'll buy a Zodiac to sail through those goddamn streets. So now you can't go out after 3PM, unless you wanna get stuck in a traffic jam until over midnight or walk through streets flooded with black waters while acid rain falls on you. And where does tax money go if not to the government's budget to drain that water or at very least make it so that it rains water that doesn't give you unknown skin infections? To the politician's pockets, their new $10 million dollar Miami mansions or their Caiman Islands bank account. Welcome to the third world, bitchez. Comments are disabled

23 degrees of desperation

by Elimination on May 04, 2008 Seriously, what's with the weather? It's like a sick joke. This is like every anglo-parlants wet dream, because weather in the first world is BS, but I can't stand 23°C at night. It's driving me insane. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, can't see... It's too goddamn hot to do anything. I'm gonna write a song about this, and it's gonna be the most sonically annoying song ever... a combination of drone doom and "mmmbop!" What did I do to the deities to deserve this? Comments are disabled

Surprise...

by Elimination on April 25, 2008 Didn't think such pain could be so easily... laid to rest. Amazing? That's too bright to describe it, but it did surprise me. I suppose I have the ability to forgive and forget, after all, though I reckon it won't be easy at all. Time will tell... but time is on my side. No os preocupéis. Salgo adelante. Comments are disabled

Hmm.......

by Elimination on April 18, 2008 Life is a bizarre sequence of irrelevant visions and insanity lately. Apparently, it's the effect of stopping medical treatment cold after becoming severely addicted to benzodiazepines, to the point where I needed to take daily grams to feel at ease. Daily grams... I know someone who did 50mg as a recreational drug of the very same pills I used to take once and he got knocked the fuck out for 3 days. But me? I did a bit over a gram every day and I was fine. I was told the dosage could easily kill a horse. So, daily, I was overdosing on clonazepam variants plus other pills, but none as serious as those. No shit... now every day I feel like throwing up and my schedule is fucked, even my own standards... that, coming from an insomniac who typically sleeps from 8AM to 12PM. I also feel very nervous, very itchy, and very absent... I don't feel lucid at all; half the time I have no idea if I'm dreaming, hallucinating or fine. It's strange, because now I actually have dreams too... vivid, realistic, deeply introspective and disturbing dreams. Sometimes I wake up and think I'm still in the past. It's really fucking with my head. I also woke up cut up again. Nobody will know what that means... Out of the current 347,606 members in this site, I doubt one of them has the knowledge to even speculate what that means, let alone be connected to that. That doesn't bother me much, it's mostly the timing that's bothering me. Why right now? What did I do now? I thought I was free... I thought I had broken free, on my own, for myself, and for the greater good of those around me. But instead, I receieve grim news again. If you knew how you were going to lose it all... what would you do? There's nothing to change, it's not a concept like destiny, or some existencial high school bullshit. One can only sit, lament, regret one's deeds and watch it all drown in the bottomless lifeless darkness of these pits we call consciousness. I'd dare say I'm scared, even... and that's not something I could honestly admit often at all. I gotta keep moving, though... I cannot dwell in it another half of my life... or actually, more than that. My left arm is numb, and my right arms moves by itself. I can't control myself anymore. It's all bullshit... inhaling buthane gas doesn't kill you... either that, or I have been damned. Condemned. Sentenced. Judged. It's ironic, because whenever I actually need people, I isolate myself, and for a reason or another, everyone hates me then, so I'm on my own. Talk about justice... what a fuckin' cockbite that concept is. There is no justice, there is no purity, there is no love. If justice existed, I wouldn't have to pay a thousand times for past mistakes, and neither would those around me who never made the same mistakes. If purity existed, I would have drowned. I would have drowned together wiith her, for all eternity and lack of time. If love existed, I wouldn't be alone... I would have something to look back for, instead of a craving to change my past to redeem myself in the present and alter my future. The butterfly effect... the chaos theory... they're but torture methods, applied to their most honored victim by the most ruthless and brutal of all torturers. My purulent soul corrupts on eruption... I'm like the King Midas, except everything I see turns to shit, let alone that which I touch. It's my mistake.... It's all mine... It's my fault... It's just mine... I'm the only one to blame. And what hurts the most about it is that nobody can see that but me. I am forever trapped in my guilt by my own conscience. Is this justice? Is this purity? Is this love? In the darkest of all ponds of desperation I drowned, drown and will drown for the rest of sentient existence. I wasted my only resource... it's like to burn alive, amidst the deserts of mystical conscience expanded each and every smallest of all time's fractions. It's like being buried alive immortal and weak, deep into the shades of oblivion by all aware beings. ...I lost it all... Comments are disabled

And they...

by Elimination on April 18, 2008 They call me evil. And they... They know I'm right. It's a shame you have fallen, to the hands of the underworld. Comments are disabled

Burzum...

by Elimination on April 08, 2008 ...ist nicht blut und krieg! I came here to chew on bubblegum and kick ass. ...And I'm all out of bubblegum. Comments are disabled