So I went to sleep at 8AM.
I wanted to wake up at 12, but when I woke from my nightmare, it was already 5:45PM.

In my nightmare, she replied to my letter. She told me she hated my fucking guts for writing that letter, and told me never to contact her again, and let her live a happy life with her boyfriend.

I genuinely felt something I have never felt before.
I not only felt inside, I felt as if I owed my emptiness something.

In my nightmare, I stuck a knife into my stomach and twisted it, and then woke up in a hospital. Then I went out to the street, grabbed a cop's gun and started a shootout with cops.
I had nothing to live for.


I'm afraid reality isn't very different. I already know she doesn't feel the same way, and I already enlisted.

I'm just trying to figure out what my nightmare means, more specifically.
A website says dreaming about being wounded in a dream has something to do with old, emotional wounds, for example...

Though nobody gives a shit.

So I talked to her like two days ago.
We talked about us, our potential future together and why it didn't happen, and all that stuff.
I'm glad we talked it out, she finally said something about it, and that I'm done with that now.
It's another piece of closure, anyway, and that means I'll have peace of mind at the field; at least regarding things I'll leave behind here.

...To think she gave me second thoughts about enlisting.
It was very naןve to think for a second that anyone could give me a reason to stay; to think I could find what I'm looking for (aside from this quest of vengeance, that is)...



It's been maybe 5 days since I sent the letter to the last part of the closure I need, and though I don't like to "prioritize" people, probably the most important person regarding all this shit.
I reckon she's about 65% the reason I joined the army... when things between us fell like a collapsing bridge, that was when I felt I lost it all.
Though indeed, I had nothing, having lost my family, friends, jobs, and motivation, I still had the blind hope of things between us going favorably, but my dreams shattered into the millions of shards that would sting my very soul for these past few months.


Wounds may heal, but the scars remain there.


Either way, I don't know if she's read it or not. I would hope to know whether she has or hasn't before I go away, but who knows...



I'm keeping the training up, I had slowed down with the alcohol and all, but that was irresponsible.
I trained with my knife today; if I depended on it, I wouldn't be so insecure about my skills with a knife at this point.



I spent the 15th night/16th early morning with Fernanda.
We hugged, 'cause Arturo told her I was acrophobic and we were at the roof of their building watching the fireworks. Haha, and the funniest thing is that Arturo tried to make look bad with that remark.
Sometimes I think she does like me, but I' not sure... and I don't really care anyway. It's not like she needs me, or really wants me, or anything.
Plus, I only got roughly three weeks remaining to live like this.


I saw Jessyka the other day. She crashed her car... I fucked up my back, neck, right knee, and I busted my mouth open. I think she hurt her arm. I wanna make sure she's okay, but it would be conflictive to meet her with Melissa around. I know she's doing better than me on this, and I got no complaints, but still...
If I'm lucky she'll call me.



I feel strange saying goodbye to everyone. I feel as if on a countdown. But it's all for the best...

Or "traitor" in english.
It would seem everyone has a price.

Additionally, I received bad news yesterday.

I don't think I care anymore, though.
I'm leaving it all behind next month.
I can't wait to be up in the north with my piece. I wish I get issued the FX-05, and not a G3A4.

We'll see...

"I see your face in every drop of golden urine
Reflections rippling in the bowl, the room is spinning
I fall to my knees, oh God, please, I'm losing everything
Retasting nachos, exhaling beer, I love getting drunk"


That's how I feel.
I'm still drunk from last night. I'll be hungover in a little while.
I don't know what happened last night.

I went out with my friends Mario and Arturo. Fer, Mario's sister, came with us, and Oscar, Arturo's cousin, showed up as well.

I had a liter of vodka. Then some rum, then another liter of vodka, and I lost consciousness of how I got home and what happened.
I hope I didn't disrespect anyone, or went hitting on Fer or shit like that. She's attractive, but she's only a recent friend, and a friend only.

I got up a few hours ago, around 6AM... still quite drunk and I threw up a glass of water three times... didn't throw up more 'cause there was nothing to throw up.


This isn't right...

Holy fucking dogshit, this is the biggest bullshit I've seen since the xenophobic americans buidling a wall with Mexico's border, what the fuck is it with weather this year?

We'd been scorching for a while, with heat now above 32°C even at early mornings, but a couple of days ago that went to shit and replaced us with something worse.


So I went to the internet cafי the other day to upload Nevermore's Utopia, which is an amzing album/demo; it's also very rare, so check out some free music that's impossible to get anywhere else:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=O06CB9SP


...Yeah...
So, then it starts raining, the power's out, I get kicked the fuck out, and guess what? The streets flooded. Well, thank you, asshole!
I had the street in front of me and pond of about two meters in length of water almost knee-deep. To my right, a few meters of sidewalk, then an even deep and longer pond. And to my left, an even longer pond, but at least it was only slightly over ankle-deep. Goddamn, the water was as black as Burzum, and as contaminated as... shit, there's nothing to compare it to!
Stepping into that water and sinking in your limbs meant a possible skin infection and motherfuckin' progressive ebola. But I ahd to... it was that, or staying there for at the very least some 5 hours. Fuck it.

I crossed, tried to get a cab, but none were "in service" because of traffic jams that was 2 hours to advance maybe 30 feet. Of course, they could make a ridiculous amount there, but no, let's not work and then bitch that we're poor and shit. It's not like they could go home with that traffic 'till it was over, so why not make a buck in the meantime?


So I walked some miles in those waters and finally got home.
Goddammit, man, next time I'll buy a Zodiac to sail through those goddamn streets.





So now you can't go out after 3PM, unless you wanna get stuck in a traffic jam until over midnight or walk through streets flooded with black waters while acid rain falls on you.



And where does tax money go if not to the government's budget to drain that water or at very least make it so that it rains water that doesn't give you unknown skin infections?
To the politician's pockets, their new $10 million dollar Miami mansions or their Caiman Islands bank account.


Welcome to the third world, bitchez.

Seriously, what's with the weather?
It's like a sick joke.
This is like every anglo-parlants wet dream, because weather in the first world is BS, but I can't stand 23°C at night. It's driving me insane. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, can't see...
It's too goddamn hot to do anything.

I'm gonna write a song about this, and it's gonna be the most sonically annoying song ever... a combination of drone doom and "mmmbop!"


What did I do to the deities to deserve this?

Didn't think such pain could be so easily... laid to rest.

Amazing? That's too bright to describe it, but it did surprise me.



I suppose I have the ability to forgive and forget, after all, though I reckon it won't be easy at all.



Time will tell... but time is on my side.



No os preocupיis.
Salgo adelante.

Life is a bizarre sequence of irrelevant visions and insanity lately.

Apparently, it's the effect of stopping medical treatment cold after becoming severely addicted to benzodiazepines, to the point where I needed to take daily grams to feel at ease.

Daily grams... I know someone who did 50mg as a recreational drug of the very same pills I used to take once and he got knocked the fuck out for 3 days.

But me? I did a bit over a gram every day and I was fine.
I was told the dosage could easily kill a horse.
So, daily, I was overdosing on clonazepam variants plus other pills, but none as serious as those.


No shit... now every day I feel like throwing up and my schedule is fucked, even my own standards... that, coming from an insomniac who typically sleeps from 8AM to 12PM.
I also feel very nervous, very itchy, and very absent... I don't feel lucid at all; half the time I have no idea if I'm dreaming, hallucinating or fine.

It's strange, because now I actually have dreams too... vivid, realistic, deeply introspective and disturbing dreams.
Sometimes I wake up and think I'm still in the past.

It's really fucking with my head.
I also woke up cut up again. Nobody will know what that means... Out of the current 347,606 members in this site, I doubt one of them has the knowledge to even speculate what that means, let alone be connected to that.
That doesn't bother me much, it's mostly the timing that's bothering me. Why right now? What did I do now?
I thought I was free... I thought I had broken free, on my own, for myself, and for the greater good of those around me.
But instead, I receieve grim news again.




If you knew how you were going to lose it all... what would you do?
There's nothing to change, it's not a concept like destiny, or some existencial high school bullshit.
One can only sit, lament, regret one's deeds and watch it all drown in the bottomless lifeless darkness of these pits we call consciousness.





I'd dare say I'm scared, even... and that's not something I could honestly admit often at all.

I gotta keep moving, though... I cannot dwell in it another half of my life... or actually, more than that.




My left arm is numb, and my right arms moves by itself.
I can't control myself anymore.

It's all bullshit... inhaling buthane gas doesn't kill you... either that, or I have been damned. Condemned. Sentenced. Judged.


It's ironic, because whenever I actually need people, I isolate myself, and for a reason or another, everyone hates me then, so I'm on my own.


Talk about justice... what a fuckin' cockbite that concept is. There is no justice, there is no purity, there is no love.
If justice existed, I wouldn't have to pay a thousand times for past mistakes, and neither would those around me who never made the same mistakes.
If purity existed, I would have drowned. I would have drowned together wiith her, for all eternity and lack of time.
If love existed, I wouldn't be alone... I would have something to look back for, instead of a craving to change my past to redeem myself in the present and alter my future. The butterfly effect... the chaos theory... they're but torture methods, applied to their most honored victim by the most ruthless and brutal of all torturers.

My purulent soul corrupts on eruption...
I'm like the King Midas, except everything I see turns to shit, let alone that which I touch.



It's my mistake....
It's all mine...
It's my fault...
It's just mine...

I'm the only one to blame.


And what hurts the most about it is that nobody can see that but me. I am forever trapped in my guilt by my own conscience.


Is this justice? Is this purity? Is this love?









In the darkest of all ponds of desperation I drowned, drown and will drown for the rest of sentient existence.

I wasted my only resource... it's like to burn alive, amidst the deserts of mystical conscience expanded each and every smallest of all time's fractions.

It's like being buried alive immortal and weak, deep into the shades of oblivion by all aware beings.











...I lost it all...

They call me evil.




And they...
They know I'm right.




It's a shame you have fallen, to the hands of the underworld.

...ist nicht blut und krieg!






I came here to chew on bubblegum and kick ass.


...And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Hehe, I love dates like this... the number play thing.
Probably an OCD thing... but who gives a shit?


I just stayed up all night helping out a friend. I'm tired... walking like a nomad isn't my thing.
We had to retrieve a device from an associate's place, with high security -- not personnel-wise, it was just a shitload of locks you had to open in very specific orders to get the door open.
I was given a sort of cane that was really small, but you'd swing it forward and the rest of it would pop out. Black. Metal. I tested it on my arm, without using much strength, and realized it could easily break bones... at least in my hands. Though heavy, it was very easy to wield. Excellent weapon. I'm glad I didn't really need it, though... but I had to have it; I was the backup, the stronger, and we were in a considerably dangerous place at considerably dangerous hours.

Mission accomplished... when we got back, I had to work on my friend's new machine, and that took some time... I also saw his brother's project for school or some shit; neon black...

It's had working on machinery and computers when you're hallucinating, but that should be fixed soon... I'm back on my anti-depressants/sedatives, and still taking the daily clonazepam (over)dose, and the valproate magnesium...



I'm just tired now... I'm too old for this excitement shit, and too pumped full of sedatives... I can't stay awake for days like I used to... at least not with so many goddamn sedatives...

Why am I not sleeping? Clonazepam has no effect over me anymore... at least not this dosage. Addiction... that's all I can think of. I'd stop taking it tomorrow if it were up to me, but it's not, so I'll have go along with the addiction.

What bothers me, is wasting all that money on pills that won't work... they should give me prescription for more pills, or stronger ones. What's the fucking point in taking them otherwise?
I'll have to bring that up with my psychiatrist or neurologist next time I see either of them.


I hate the idea of being addicted to anything, even if my psychological status will allow me to stop taking them at any time... I don't see other explanation why they have no effect anymore after taking them for a while; it must be physical addiction.

Either that, or I'm a moron, but the latter wouldn't surprise me... or anyone else, for that matter.


Oh, I curse these bipolar times...

...are a fucking pain in the ass to get.

Fucking bureaucrats. If I'd had a Tec-9 while I was in there, at least one person would have been shot... asshole bald midget pushing you around 'cause you're tall and have hair. Fuckin' discriminative pricks.


Then, check this out -- after all the procedure, which took 5 or 6 hours to get through, if you consider waiting in line -- my brother got his passport almost exactly 8 minutes after having his picture taken. I had mine 49 minutes later...
And the motherfuckers tell you it takes 45 minutes at most! And we got the picture taken almost at the same time!
Stupid fucking assholes. Either they're a bunch of retards, they're a bunch of discriminative assholes, or both.

I should fucking sue for fraud and irreversible psychological damage (the latter only out of spite and to cheat them out of their hard-earned money for being such pricks; but the former is entirely correct), and then contact my people in the court to make sure I got my money... then hire a bulldozer driver off-duty, off-the-record to pay them and their shithole a visit.



Day-ruining cunts...

What would you do if saying something made people distrust you, but it was something you had to absolutely get out?
What the fuck do you do?

People have their heads so far up their fuckin' asses, they can believe in the Holy Ghost if it's on TV, but they can't believe there's a serial killer on the loose if it's told by someone who isn't a figure in the media.

That's what the world has come to.
Ain't no fucking listening 'till you shatter their ears. In my case, out of fuckin' grade A spite.



But fuck it all to Hell, huh?
Damned if you do...
Damned if you don't...

Time is a strange concept, isn't it? One moment everything's pride and joy... the next is a moment of silence.

Someone once said life is beautiful and crazy, but most of the time, I'd describe it as repugnant and insane.



The voices never shut the fuck up. I want them to shut the fuck up. Is it too fuckin' much to ask for them to shut the fuck up, just for a single fucking minute?

But still I grow. Now nothing can stop me. I'm invincible. My only enemy is me now. Only I can destroy myself. Well, we'll see about that, huh?

Punk motherfuckers... I could have my bittersweet revenge, but I'm too good for that shit.


There is only one thing on my mind now... even though that claim is wrong, because it's been like that for over a year and a half.
Insanity knocks on my door, but I'm indestructible.
And if I succeed; the world is mine, chico.


Yeah...

I've made up my mind, but I haven't done anything about it yet... why? Because I'm just a piece of shit who can't get anything right. *sigh*

It was the anniversary of two events two days ago; one positive and important, other negative and insignificant (for a fucking change!). I wasn't aware both things had happened at the same time, though.
And today I almost fuck up... but we'll see in a few hours.
I'm such a fucking disappointment... but I'm trying hard this time. I just hope in the end I can't just say "I tried" or some bullshit.

Everything is coming into the light. Hate it when this all unravels. Hate to take responsibility for things I shouldn't be responsible for.

And so I'm losing it again... I can't keep my shit together like this anymore. It's making me sick.
It's sad even, to think I'd ever say I related to a nu-metal lyric, but to quote Jon Davis: "I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation."


I have one shot. One last chance. One bullet left... the trusty chambered one; but will it hit or miss? Is the recoil too powerful? Are the iron sights well-adjusted? Is the caliber too high?

I'm so fucking lost I'm making firearm metaphors... but that's alright, 'cause there's two outcomes and one's literally related to the gun.


Fuck it all... fuck myself especially, if I don't get it done before the fucking year ends. And then we'll have to see what happens. I'm scared shitless.
I'm not afraid of anything more than fucking this up...

I'm driven by fear to the point where I'm willing to resort to the esoteric for help.



"I sold my soul for you..."

Everything's fucked up.
Well... not really, but I fear the worst... and all because of a stupid comment by some asshole.

And just when I was about to make everything right...

I hope it's all good, and if it is, it'll get better... and then, who knows, but this is scaring the living shit out of me, so it's time to take action, time to move it time to lead, and time to take the most important decision of my life, it's time to go!

You know, I used to know this guy back in the day who licked coins.

"You should try it; it's a good source of iron," he said.



Stupid fuck...

The urge is back and wild.

Is it a result of the new medication? A result of withdrawal? A lack of sleep resulting in a bad mood resulting in this? A lack of will to continue to deceive myself? Excessive analysis, especially of things I can't control and therefore stress me even more? Or am I losing it again?



I don't know, but another thing I don't know, is how long I can hold it back.

Sometimes I even respect myself just for being able to put up with this shit.

...But at least the caliber of the weapons in the battlefield changes. =)


Even though I'm living under the shadow of a giant, black cloud, I'm happy.
Curious that I'm happier without antidepressants than on them. Fuck pills.

It's amazing, the power of will. And will is the gift that has been given to me.
Just wish things were easier...


I'm a fucking hypocrite, though, because I still haven't changed my mind... only my attitude. But as long as it helps, I'll sacrifice all I could possibly be or achieve, to ease things, and teach...


I would borrow a line from Warrel Dane right about now, but I'm afraid that would be a terrible mistake if my suspicions were to become a reality, if they already are not.

So I'll shit the hell up...

Suficientes son los problemas de un solo dםa como para preocuparse por el futuro.




No existe ningתn borrador mבgico,
Para borrar todos los errףres cometidos,
¿Que pasarםa si las flores sףlo se marchitaran?
¿O sףlo se quedaran como botones?
Duele la realidad, duele,
La fantasםa sףlo se queda en los sueסos
¿Quי pasarםa si nunca muero?
¿Y no tuviera la oportunidad de nacer de nuevo?

...And a new era begins.

I can't see... oh, but I can hear everything! Hence why I'm broke all the time. Ears cost...

But the question stands: do I live or die?

Well, assuming my current illness doesn't kill me, we'll see.

Things are looking bright for once, however! Odin is on my side.

My only fear is the unexpected. Surely I'd have to go and never come back.
But I'm not going anywhere before I settle score. Things are arranged... I just have to wait and see, or make my move, before I make that other move, or decide not to. I just wanna play it safe... but what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Hmm...

So it's 5 in the morning and I'm writing instead of sleeping.
I was supposed to change my schedule, but it's so fucking effective... living by day just isn't for me.
Still, I'm being irresponsible. But when have I not been irresponsible?
Maybe it's just how my family has gone out of their way to force that idea unto me... or maybe I'm really just a fuck-up. I threw my life down the drain many years ago, in every possible way.

And I just signed up for school again, after procrastinating for a year and a half. I gotta be there today at 1PM. Fuck.

Dark times ahead... but will I make it? Time will tell.

I've been hallucinating again. Crazy shit.

I went to the shrink today, and while we were talking, I could see the shadows projected by the blinds, just on the corner of my eye. Then there was a sick and insane movement in the shadows... it has disturbing, to say the least. But every time I turned my head to directly look at it, there was nothing. There shouldn't have been, because the only thing there was the wall.

Fucking hallucinations, man, they suck.
Been having them a lot lately... gonna have to do something about it.

Just came back from the Mהgo de Oz Fest (not a great name for a festival, if you ask me); it kicked ass!

Too bad I only caught U.D.O. and Mהgo, though. I lost my damn tickets because the maid put them away somewhere I'd never find them, and by the time I actually did, it was 7 (show started at 3), so I was late...
Good shit, though. Costed me the equivalent to $85 USD, so it's good that I didn't find them after the concert.

Joy and exaltation! For today the delayed good arrived at my doorstep! I invite it in, anxiously, and wait for its response.

The possibilities are two: positive and negative.
Step by step.
First step taken: positive.

I shall wait for the second step to be taken - hopefully, positively - and respond once more.

Today's arrival was good enough. Only one step ahead, but ahead nonetheless. Though, as with most things else: the more, the better.



Hope and expectation!

[url="http://www.songmeanings.net/thread.php?tid=58100&fid=8#58731"]Again, for my own convenience...[/url]

[QUOTE]On May 9, 2006 at 6:05 PM, Elimination wrote :
Okay... Marilyn Manson is about as goth as Christina Aguilera or Justin Timberlake. Androgyny isn't gothic.
And what about posers liking MCR? What does that have to do with goths or the fact that you misused the term and apparently ignore what a goth is? Are you implying goths like MCR because they are posers in the emo sub-culture? Pfft.

For the record: Goths tend to listen to very varied music like Bauhaus, London After Midnight, Nox Arcana, Nightwish, Clan of Xymox, Apoptygma Berzerk, Suicide Commando, Tristania, Lacrimosa, Switchblade Symphony, Inkubus Sukkubus, Sisters of Mercy, And Also The Trees, Christian Death, Fields of the Nephilim, The Cure, The Cult, Tiamat, Mephisto Walz and some non-goth bands that are still popular between goths, like Type O Negative, Lacuna Coil, Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails and David Bowie, for example. Also, the styles of dress between goths range from punk, Victorian, androgyny, some Renaissance style clothes, combinations of them all, and/or lots of black attire, make-up and hair. But it's not a requirement to dress that way in order to be considered a goth.
Also, in my experience, goths are generally very intelligent and artistic people with less prejudices than most of us, and they don't give a shit if you think they're weird or if you associate them with self-mutilation.

I reccomend reading the book What is Goth? by Voltaire, to get an idea of what the goth sub-culture is really all about.

That being said, I hope there's no more confusion and you understand that goths aren't the 13 year old Slipknot/HIM/Marilyn Manson posers that you see on the mall.[/QUOTE]

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number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6, number 6.

Yeah. I figured I needed some vacations, so I said "fuck it." I'm leaving for Acapulco on Friday morning.

A bit of a spontaneous decision, but I really need a break. I don't know why Acapulco... it brings back so many memories, most of which are unpleasant, like the time I almost die crushed by an elevator...

I just came back and I'm already going away, haha, but oh well... I'm not going away for long, and even if I was, I'm sure I wouldn't be missed.

[url="http://www.songmeanings.net/thread.php?tid=90249&fid=8"]...is here[/url].

This is a useful entry for me to grab this link whenever I want (I've had to a lot recently) without having to look back for the thread, which takes me q while... sorry to disappoint anyone who came across this and expected to read something interesting.

The number of the beast!

Just submitted my 666th lyric to the site. It was Necrophagia's Upon Frayed Lips of Silence; an amazing song by an amazing band.

Here's a video:




Hahaha, that video is so cool. Everything related to that band is awesome. =)

In case anyone gets to read this, watches the video and likes what they hear, here's a little something for ya:

[url="http://www.megaupload.com/fr/?d=2M6E011O"]Harvest Ritual, Vol. 1[/url]

The latest Necrophagia album. Good shit; easily one of my favorite albums.

I just finished submitting some Necrophagia lyrics and realized I just reached 600.
The lyric that was my 600th was Parasite Eve, so I'll write about it. =P

Parasite Eve is a song from The Divine Art of Torture, if my memory doesn't fail me. A great album.
I was listening to the live version as I submitted those lyrics.
The song really doesn't talk about anything in particular, it's just a collection of evil lines, if you ask me.
The music is pretty good, though. Fast-paced aggressive brutality, and what appears to be triplets. Splintered triplets (Buckethead reference).
The chorus has those creepy, weird keyboards. Necrophagia trademark.


There's nothing else to say about it, I guess...

So, I'll be posting again when I get to 666 submitted lyrics. Hopefully it'll be delightfully blasphemous lyrics that are submitted as my 666th. ;)
Until then... I'll leave you with this:

http://www.necrophagia.com

Lately, I've been feeling like a failure. Come on... looking back in old posts here in my journal, I see myself using the term "nihilism" incorrectly. Why do I use words I don't know the meaning of? I'm a fucking idiot.

Apart from that... my guitar-playing sucks lately, more than ever. My tapping skills seem to have decreased. I've been hearing it usually takes someone a few years to get good at it... it took my friend 5 years. But I can't wait 5 years to be half-way decent... then I'd have to wait some more to go anywhere.

Being honest with myself: I already failed at life. I dropped outta school about 4 years ago. Can't go back... and if I do, apart from it being hell, then I'd waste 3 more years opf my life learning untrascendental bullshit I'll never use, and it'd slow down my musicianship, if I can even call it that. I'll probably go somewhere in life in 10 or 15 years... in 10 or 15 years everyone I know today will be far ahead. Then I'm an old man at the level of a much younger generation; a fucking failure.


A wise man once told me the best things in life are free. I believe he was referring to love, the sky, the stars, the moon, the beauty of nature... and such things. But it's a bit of an utopia for me.
I used to go to my rooftop and watch the stars, listening to my MP3 player (which broke...), and I know what he was talking about. But I'm going through so much stress than I can't care to admire something, or don't have the time to. And love... the one thing I always wanted and never had.

It's funny, 'cause... I can't be with a superficial girl 'cause I have more scars than I'm patient enough to count (gave up at 38 last time) and a mildly disfigured face, as well as a not-very-attractive body, I'd say. I'm not rich, either. Maybe high-middle class... but my resources are limited either way.
And I can't be with a smart girl either (which I'd prefer), because I'm pretty fucked up, mentally. I'm probably more scarred mentally, than physically, and that's saying something.

And now I sit here, thinking of how I've wasted my life... I've lied here for 4 years, rotting in my solitude when I could have probably done something; like picked up the guitar earlier and be much better by now. But I didn't... I fucked up and I can't fix it now.

If that ain't enough... I smoked 3 or 4 cigarrettes today. I don't fucking smoke.
And I got drunk yesterday morning, all alone. I don't fucking drink alone.
What am I doing? Where am I going?
Into hard drugs, probably. I hate them. But I'm probably self-loathing enough to allow myself to waste my life with that bullshit.

And now I'm in deep shit, too... I won't even elaborate. Only a couple of friends online know...
More stress. Can't tell anybody. I keep fucking up and let others pay for it like the piece of shit I am; maybe it's time I step up myself and fix my own damn problems.
Then again, there aren't many options available. I'll probably think about it this next week; but I need to take action right after that. Ahh, but nobody gives a shit, so no point in posting about this particularly...

So, pretty much, say I'm 16; say I have hope; say I have a future.
Unless a certain thing or two in my life changed soon; that's just an assumption based on the stereotype that comes with my age. I'm truly, really, majorly fucked.

My life is robbed of meaning,
like a purse of hope that's snatched...

Amidst the dying candle-light,
I sit forlorn, alone...

I need to write this... and nobody will probably read this, so screw it, I'll write here. =P

Love's a funny thing... it's pretty extreme, at least for me. Either it makes me feel worse than shit that is usually considered worse by society's standrads, or it makes me truly happy; makes completely unable to care or worry about anything else, no matter how much my current situation sucks.
It's like the song... "love sometimes leaves as dead as yesterday"... yep, Zakk Wylde...

It's a beautiful thing, really...

I've been in love twice... first time, many years ago... before most people can even think of such deep feelings... but it ended badly, and it took me several years to get over it...
Now I find myself thinking about one particular person and sighing, once again... everything reminding me of her beautiful self... both, physically, and more importantly, internally, or however you wanna say it...
Good people are very rare nowadays... people so pure, so beautiful, so unique, so inspiring, so perfect...

It's sad, because it's something I can never have (NIN, anyone? =P)...
That's how it is, though... life's a bitch, life's a whore; nothing less, nothing more... to quote Jon Schaffer now (Iced Earth)...

I keep getting stuck in meaningless relationships where all she wants from me is sex... I'm not superficial; I wouldn't get into a relationship just for sex; I'd pick love over sex any time... but I'm cursed to be trapped in that, it seems...

I probably sound like a christian... but I'm no way a goddamn christian... I just don't like to follow trends, or dogmatic propaganda... whatever the society considers normal... I'm not an average/stereotypical guy in many ways, and I'm proud of that; one of the few things I like about myself.

But back to the "topic"...
It's curious... among my beliefs, many are based on buddhism, but I'm pretty sure it's buddhism where karma belongs, yet I keep trying to be a good person and all I get is a kick in the ass and bullshit thrown at me. Why can't I ever have what I want?
For once, I put my misanthropy aside, and one person means the wolrd to me, and we can't be together... I'm stuck in peroids of solitude interrupted by superficial relationships in which I refuse to be a part of and leave, probably hurting someone, which makes me feel guilty and go back to my self-loathing...

I remember when a wise man once told me, "life ain't that hard"... But I disagree. Life's not hard if you're normal. You get a job... put a little more effort in what you do than others, and you'll be just fine. But what about when you have 5 personality disorders, are an outcast, think quite differently from everybody else, and live in solitude and discrimination from your "loved" ones?
Then it becomes a bit more complicated, I'd say.

...So here I am, at 5AM again, awake, listening to depressing music, thinking about what's (or rather, who's) most important to me, feeling full of hope, and hopeless; about to shed a tear of both, joy, and sorrow; feeling comfortably sleepy, yet restless and stressed out.


Funny... just opened a fortune cookie. It says "The current year will bring you much happiness."
Oh yeah? You would know, right? =P
I lost two good friends and my grandmother (a relative that actually cared about me) this year... a teenage punk isn't supposed to be attending funerals...
I got new debts I gotta pay. I lost all my jobs. I'm not progressing with my music. Nobody's here for me. My so-called friends forgot my name.
And now... I'm fearing having to live with a borken heart, unable to move on, grieving every day for the next... 5 years? Sounds about right; just like the last time.

And on top of it... I gotta live looking over my shoulder from now on. At least for a few months. I could get strapped, but fuck it; I'm not gonna sink to their level.


And so it is, this twisted, crazy thing they call life. Just when you think you survived, it fucks you back like the bitch it is...

This morning, I woke up and one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was "Is life worth living?"
Have you ever asked yourself that question? Is it really worth it going through all the stress, pain and hatred if you're going to end up in the cemetery anyway?
Is life worth living for an ideal? Probably not; there's so much dogmatic propaganda going on today to convince anyone of anything. The christians will pester you with their Jesus Christ non-sense and threatening you by saying your soul will burn for eternity if you don't go to chruch every sunday or if you say "shit" or "fuck"... and kids these days aren't interested in much other than sex. It's like junkies: just livin' for the day, with no goals, with the only exception being to get laid. What's so fucking great about sex anyway? It's not only overrated, but it's prostituted. You turn on the TV and half the shit you see is sex-related, or suggestive in some way. Look at all the actresses, they're all plastic 36DD blondes on bikinis and shit, who can't act for the most part.
Hell, it's "cool" to be promiscuous just for the hell of it. Meaningless sex everywhere...
I used to talk to this chick; 13 years old and she had been pregnant and had a miscarriage. What the fuck!? How fucked up is that? And why? Most likely because of social pressure... "you won't be cool if you don't spread 'em". Well, fuck that.

What about society itself, viewed in an economic or political perspective? Fuckin' cops kidnapping kids where I live. Why? Because they get paid a hunk of shit by the government, who doesn't give a shit about the corruption they generate as long as they can keep all the green to themselves... talk about corruption, huh?
Now, another thing that pisses me off is globalization. Not to be xenophobic, but, where is our culture going? Next thing you know, they're demolishing a pyramid to build a fuckin' McDonald's.
Not only that... I recently the most successful businesses were weapons, pornography and drugs. Sure makes me a bit less optimistic...

Is life worth living for someone? Not in my case... there isn't a person who thinks the way I do and would be willing to have a relationship with me. Perhaps because of my geographical location, where girls with my interests are not to be found, and the fact that 'nice guys finish last', as they say. I'm also fucking weird and shy, as if being a nice guy wasn't already a disadvantage. And, personally, people worth it are already taken, and almost always, brainwashed into oblivion. Which is sad... when people are weak-minded and can't think for themselves...

What about living for a professional life? I'd honestly prefer to go out than to live a life full of work and responsibilities, when they're pretty much meaningless (considering they're only for you to keep and don't benefit you, except financially, which is shallow...). Plus, in my case, I'm fucked either way, for skipping school. I don't have the legal papers to get a half-way decent job. Fuck, I can't even be a bodyguard with the studies I had. And there's no turning back, so fuck it.


It just seems like nobody thinks anymore. The only thing people is worried about today, is their weight and how or when they're getting laid next. In my experience, it's almost impossible getting a date if you're not rich, "hot" by social standards, and if you're not an asshole to the girl you're interested in. Hell, it's impossible to get a date with a girl who is still a virgin. And it's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with most people, anyway. Nobody hears. Of course, this isn't going to change. It will only get worse with time. So why waste my time and live in a world full of oblivious, ignorant, superficial people if I'm never going to conform into living to their standards?
I'm better off dead. We all are. But the end isn't near enough... it's still at least 1.3 million years from our end, and I sure as Hell won't get through them, or the 70-80 I naturally have left, for that matter.

It's just like the song says: "Life's a bitch, life's a whore / Nothing less, nothing more"

Finally, I just submitted my 250th lyric. It was Countess' Blood Wedding (St. Bartholomew's Day 1572). The lyrics are anti-christian, about the Calvinism in France and all that stuff... I don't mind them, but I like that song 'cause the guitar leads are so funny.

Anyway... just to throw in something else in here, I'd like to say this site kicks ass. I'm glad I'm contributing to this site as many people did before me to keep improving the site, even though most bands/lyrics I submit are kvlt and nobody else here knows them... oh well...