i do not get her.
i think im most detached with her.
i dont even want to go out with her. or talk to her.
i realised, i never really had a decent, meaningful conversation with her.
i realised that i dont really look at her with respect.
shes there, shes there. and thats that.
her crazy choices. her STUPID choices. i dont know.
i find her immature. hey, i might be wrong. i might regret saying this. but hey, we learn. we learn from our mistakes.
but she doesnt seem to.
shes more naive, than i think she was.
her and stupid fat ass joe. she actually LOOOOOVES him?
get a fucking life already lar.
if he can cheat his wife, why cant he cheat on you?
god. love? please. lust. lust lust. lust.
she needs to get herself right.

of cos, of course, i am not perfect.
of course, i have my fucking flaws.
but all im saying, so does she. im pissed.

honestly, my respect to her only goes as far as shes genetically older than me. thats that.

am i being pathetic? am i a bitch for this? am i evil?
am i really selfish? am i really horrible? am i? am i?
am i really a bad child? am i?

am i?

emotional attachment?
i hate it when people are right on when they read me.
i hate it that Amy thinks that I should be having feelings for Taz and vice versa. well at least shes right on the former. the latter, i dont think so, or i dont know.

i love watching him. and i winced when i see him hugging that dark girl. so close, yet so far? cliche. and touche.

right on. right on.

godd, so close yet so far. ive slept right beside him for i dont know how many times. so far. so far. so far.

this cannot be. i thought i was over him. over over over. but i guess i thought wrong. im not pining as badly as before. but, i hate how my heart flutters, how i will instantly smile when i see him or hear him.

so close, yet so fucking far.

so this is it huh?
the end of another year.
well, thank you for the ups and downs.
thank you for showing me that what lies in the heart and in the soul are not always what is found in the words and actions of others.
observation is underrated.
understanding is underrated.
i still love him. my heart still aches when i see him.
"how can you be friends with someone you like for all your life?"
of cos you can. its just not easy, thats all.
i hope 2005 will bring some light to Sheeed.
i hope 2005 will bring more joy and happiness to Teeee.
and to my dearest Zat, i hope he finds whatever it is that he has always been looking for.
and to myself, may i find it in me to be closer to Allah.
may 2005 be a better year, for all.
for all.
amin.

there was this sudden PANG! right there.
of cos i can explain why there is one, but i cant explain why its still a PANG! and not just a pang!

i read the birthday cards over the years, and i realised you never take me as a bestfriend.
i was just a friend. a good friend. a close friend.
a friend indeed, when youre in need.

then i weigh the years, you never really told me anything. the gap grows as do the years. we talk less. we go out less.
we know less.
and i wonder why it took me so long to realise it.

you made use of me. at almost every step.
you only called when you needed something.
when youre bored.
you were only there when i had my boys around.
you didnt care.
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU didnt care.
not me, YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

to is the day.
the day that they say, you will wake up and realise who your true friends are.
and who are not.

today, i realise who are NOT.
so much for. so much for.

maybe this is just hormones talking. but i dont know. i guess, instead of always denying i liked you.
i think i was always denying that you never really really liked me. that you never took me as what i took you.

well, i hope someday you will feel this pain i feel.
of how its like to wake up and to know that the very person you cared about, never cared about you.
someday i hope, you will feel this.
and when that someday comes,
i hope you cried like you did before.

amin.

its amazing.
i still quiver when i hear your voice.

hhahahaha. oh well. =))

yesterday, i got bored. so i checked out fox.com and subsequently that tv show.
and i thot, "wow, such fucking resemblance!"
maybe its true.
that character is like you incarnate.

you go!

oh my god!
my second 'wedding/marrying' dream!
ark!
is this a sign, or something?
hello?
someone, anyone?
help needed here.
yooohooooo?

i was going to marry my dua pupu! ew!
that was the craziest and the saddest dream ever.
and i sat thinking, maybe i am really not over him.
maybe, he is the one i really want.
i dont know.
i was all pretty in my dress. my veil.
and i just thot whether it was something i really wanted to do.
did i really want to marry away?
i think it has got to do with my rushed want to just put him aside.
sigh.
ill always be in love with him.

i think i know what i want to be.
i want to be a journalist/writer.
i want to be able to write editorials.
i want to be on the new york times.
i want to know multiple languages.
i want to be well to do.
i want to be happy.
i want to be in Yale.

i want my Asian American dream.
i love Singapore dont get me wrong.
but i just want to be a little exotic. hahha.

it is interesting, yet sad is subtle way, when television helps you through your days.
i am much better now, cos i have a distraction.
but i wonder, if i hadnt came upon LH, would i still be the same morbid and sad person that i was?
i wonder.

but you know, now im thinking of my variables.
the many choices i have.
i choose to mourn and cry and think about you.
get all emo up. get all jealous.
get all hurt.
but why would i need to waste my emotions and tears over you?

if we are meant to be, then someday we will be together.
but since, that someday isnt here yet. i dont know if we are meant to be.
so in the mean time, ill go out enjoy.
meet people, have fun.
be merry.

goddamit, i was so slow on catching on with this 'game'. you went out, met your people. had fun.
when i was stuck here, considering everything about/with you.

well, im making my move.
becareful, cos one more, i might just win.
cheers! =))

i dont know what im feeling anymore.
everything is kinda scattered.
but all has been pretty good on this front.
im enjoying myself.

oh and excuse, can you get a Logan Huntzberger?
i need a guy JUST LIKE THAT.
hah.
hahhahahaa. bluek.
my life cannn be pathetic.

so Donovan called me!
yeay!
and he had something rather... i dont know, interesting, should we call it, to tell me.
he was well, urm, Gay.
i dont know.
somehow, im not even a quarter as shock as i should be i think. or he thinks.
somehow, somewhere. i kinda urm, expected it?
not that i thot he could be gay.
but if he was, i guess i wont be shock.
and well, i wasnt.
im just glad he told me.
and its nice to know that he thot, "i just tell Khai this!"
its nice to know someone a little far away thinks of you in such honourable manner.
i still love him like a good ol' friend.
hes still Vino to me.

i guess, life has its surprises for you. somewhere.
slowly, but surely.
i wish him well.

i dont know.
i think i can.
hahahaa.
i thought about it.
how lovely it would be.
i still think of you.
but hey, i always have to remember, you dont think of me.
that somehow, gets me through my days.
i still love you.
no matter what.

but its time, i love myself. =))
take care.

this is just an entry about my observation and thoughts.

i think that girls with boyfrens must only lay their hands on their boyfrens.
and yes, that is all im saying.
i dont care if you have ten and thousands of guy frens. whos stopping you?
but, i think theres suppose to be this limit.
this urm, limit. yeah.
the degree of closeness to other guys much be relatively MUCH lesser than with your boyfren.
if you are almost as close, then urm, whats the point?

yes, i have a thing against Y and E. bah.
just a tiny thing.
and i dont really fancy D, yes, i lied to Ms P to her face. actually, to her computer. hah.

whatever.

i think someday we should list down all the things we hate about each other.
then list another about what we love/like.

i think this is a crazy idea.
cos it will be painful.
ouch ouch. just ouch.

god, i just want to hold your hands. hah. bla bla.

you know, i hate you when you do that.
and i think you know.
but you just wanna go on doing it.
i hate you when you do that.
i hate you.
oh, who am i kidding?

i love you. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

so you finally called.
i knew it. i knew it.
you would make your come back.
you hadnt need to call.
you did.
you knew it.
you knew i would be going crazy.
you knew it.
i was soothed. i was, my dear. i was.

i still yearn for you.

"Sometimes I can hardly speak when I see you
Can you tell
Do you notice all the little things that I see but don't tell
When asleep you're in my dreams
When I wake I think of you
I need to find a way to tell you
How I feel"

tex la homa - my new man. hah.

hey maybe i can get over you.
maybe not over you.
but over you.
hah.
i dont know.
ill get over it.
ill be fine.
it will hurt and not be easy.
but hey, anything to get some peace.
i deserve some love.
some warmth.
right now, i dont really care who i get it from.
okay, that was very whore worthy. bah.

what craziness?
my heart still skips a beat for you.
hahahaa.
you know, like that song by Vertical Horizon.
you say all the right things.
at exactly the right time.
but you mean nothing to me, and i really dont know why.
you are beautiful. you are. =))

i remember exactly what i told you back then.
when i said that he was important to me.
maybe its true, i couldnt let go of him even when i was with you. hah. i am sorry for putting you through all that. i am.

maybe this is my payback for doing all the things i did to you. it must have hurt to see me with him. like how hurting it is to see him with anyone else.

well, i wish you love. loads of it.
love that i never gave you.
love that i might never get from him.

if i were to count the moments where this high spirits fall flat so fast into deep pits, i would have lost count.

if you only know how much hurt you have given me.
yet, i still adore you.
yet, i still love you.
yet, i still yearn for you.

couldnt you be more right? more perfect?
maybe then, i might just start to hate you.
maybe then, i would just get over you.
maybe then, i could sleep tonight.
maybe then, i would be fine.
just fine.

what a silly song Ms P asked me to download. hah.
okay it is not silly. but god, i feel shitty.

but yeah, for what its worth, i love you.
and what is worse? i really do.

there are so many people.
who say better things than you.
who are there more than you.
who makes me laugh more than you.
who loves me more than you.

but there is only you.
i lie only for you.
for you.

all i needed was one silly phone call from you
and i can get through the day much easier.

but erks! is that all you can ask me?!
"oh is --- online?" urgh. wtf you!
oh well, the no-perks of being a wallpaper.

ah ah ah. i must say, i cant stand it when you laugh. hah. i will fall and melt into thin air.
you are... my hot hot heat.

i miss you so easily

if i were to count how many times i thought of you in a day, even if i had ten hands, i would have lost count.

if i were to count how many times i wanted to say your name in a day, even if i had ten hands, i would have lost count.

so many times, i almost said it to you.
so many times, i almost gave up.
so many times, i almost gave in.
so many times, i almost surrenderred.
so many times.
so many times.

too many times.

i cant live without you.
well...
... actually, i can.
its just that i dont want to.

i was so restless last night becos for the whole day i hadnt heard from you. all i got was one sms a little past noon. it got me smiling, no worries.
but i needed more.

goddammit, no one ever made me feel like this.
restless like this.
weak and pathetic like this.

i surrender. i surrender.

so do you remember monday?
oh, god.
i was soooooooooooooooooo like, i dont know.
blushing?
i was like, "oh my freaking god, i cant believe i am actually here."
like Ms P. said, at least, i get to be where you are.
but, its not that you really really want me there.

will i ever get into your heart?
cos, honestly, im not that happy just to hang around.
mm hmm.

i was waiting for your come back.
and i got it.
you always manage to come back, in time.
in time.

i dreamt of you today.
we were supposed to get married? hah.
we were only 18, i think.
we were supposed to get married in some hotel or something.
then, i saw you going down the stairs with some girl in hand. smiling and laughing.
i was hurt. i was mad.
i came to you and told you how mad i was.
how hurt i was.
and told you, i really loved you.
and i want this to work.
only then you realised, how much i do.
but we both know we were not ready then.
so we gave each other a shot.
finally, and officially, we were together.
as a couple.
hah.

if only. dreams are only dreams.
but i really love you.

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart.

To me you're strange and you're beautiful.
You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see,
you turn every head, but you don't see me.

the song for me, for you.
and probably yours, for her.
hah.

god. do you know how crazily painful this can be?
will yoouuuuu ever realize.... oh, just realize.
please.

how do you expect me not to fall for you?
how do you expect me not to think of you?
with that smile.
with that laugh.
how you would pretend youre mad.
how you would tease me.
how you would laugh with me.
how do you not want me to fall?
how do you not want me to think?
how do you not want me to love you.
to love you.
love you.

i am still trying to comprehend your actions.
they say, nothing speaks louder than actions.
am i over analysising all these?
excuse me, but i cant help but think this way.
i cant help but feel this way.
you lead me on with your voice.
you make me fall with your calls.
you lead me on with your touch.
you make me want to fall.
you make me want to fall.
in fact, ive already fallen.
and i landed nicely onto you.

i love you

you are like a pill i need
i cannot do without you
i would worry
i would be restless
unsettled
anxious
i hate it
it is not pretty to be like this
it is not nice
i yearn for you all the time
i think about you when i am awake
and when i sleep i dream of you
you are a pill i need
constantly
you are a pill
the pill

they keep saying it
and i want it to happen
but i dont want to jinx it
oh god, can they see im lying?
can they see im just faking?
can youuu see im lying, see im faking?
i thought by now youd be running away
sick of me
tired of me
but youre still here
but am i thinking too much? analysing too much?
but why are you still here?
why are you still singing the same song?

i die when i see her name
i die when you say her name
i die when shes near
i die when youre not here
i die when you dont call me
i die when i dont know where you are
i die i die i die
i lied
when i should have kissed you

so i yearn to just be with you
and yeah, i just want to see your name flashing on my cell phone
and well, nothing more than just to hear your voice
how not to give everything?
how to spare something for me?
when all i want, when all i want is everything in you.
everything of you.
everything thats just you.

who do you think about?
sing about?
smile to?
sleep to?
i have feeling its... her.
i dont know for sure.
i am so afraid. so afraid.
i cannot lose you.
but i might lose you.
i might.
and i dont want to.

i would be so high
from just waiting, just hoping, just wishing
but there would be a point
where gravity takes back on me
where ill fall so fast
i cant see whats around me
i forget what was behind me, above me
you are concrete memory
you are forever embedded
but i am only shadow
only air in the wind
where am i?
anywhere but there, right there in you

i think about you constantly
i think about you all the time
i love the warmth of your skin
the softness of it
i love the way you lean onto me
i love the way you say my name
i love the way you smile and laugh
the way you always hate your hair
i love it when your hand brushes against mine
i love the sound of your voice
i love waking up to it
i love seeing you sleep
i love it when you ask something, anything
i love you
but do you?