fight club, what an amazing movie. makes me think a little too much than i need to. even though i come across as this happy go lucky naive blonde girl, theres things pondering deep inside of me that would probably freak the hell out of most people, since it scares me, even. but in any case. so im done school now..is there anything wrong with that. hell yes. im not as happy as i thought id be with the completion of it though...i mean..right now im just kind of..floating..i feel like i dont really have a purpose to my life right now, mostly because i have nothing to do all day. and everyones all over my ass to get a job. well im allowed to be lazy for as long as i please. and its getting old fast..so hopefully ill be back up and running shortly. i decided i just started feeling like this once reid got his greenhouse job. i figure if hes working, i should be too. i dont know. so whats going on now...hmm....i dunno..what defines me exactly..maybe the boys. and by the boys i mean reid odis jonno j etc...the friends i can hang out with without feeling like i *need* a boyfriend. i love them...and how last week was just mad eating out/movie watching/hanging out/family guy/whatever with them...thats when im my happiest, i think. and winning the 110 bones playing poker last night probably helped things out a bit too i imagine. and soccers right now too...6 goals in 2 games, not bad. not bad at all. yeah....well, ive been hanging out with ryan alot again..went to dennys today, then he called and wanted me to go to the lake with him..dont pull this shit about not wanting long term relationships and then call me everyday, cause if thats not mixed signals, then i dunno what is. im perfectly content being your friend though, i like you, you make me smile. youre just not...ahh..never mind. ive decided me and reid have the most fucked up relationship ever. it is a relationship, cause i dunno what else to call it. he got mad at me today..cause i bugged him about bailey again (do i ever learn? hells no) sooo i made some snide remark about her, then "so am i to be just as suspicious about u and ryan?" hey reid, why are we being suspicious in the first place if we are only friends...guh, u KNOW theres more there...u know how complicated this shit is..i hate it..but i love you so im willing to just try to make it work..sorry for being so jealous..but its HER, and u know perfectly well what she wants out of you. and you know how much i care about you...some people think im letting u treat me like shit, but they dont know us and how great it is when we are together...you dont mean to ditch me on whyte ave..u dont mean to make me worry sick about u when u disapear at the standard..but in any case, u know im here for you, and that i care..so much..lets just wait it out ok? cause something this great, i dont want it to just disappear....yeah. so good songs right now? no more drama, what a feeling, just a lil bit, get well soon, new lifehouse songs, walking with a ghost, star wars songs, letter kills songs, old pop yet again..yeah i dunno. star wars in 9 days, thats fantastic. guh, what am i gonna do. how can this relationship be the best thing in my life, yet also the worst....its intresting how the things that keep u alive are the things that slowly kill you..but its all in good fun. i think ive wrote enough..for now. my eyes are tired anyways, and so is my heart..but im still happy, but u know now, that i can never rid myself of all the feelings i had before, all that deep dark depressing shit i had, or still have, lurking inside me. its slowly draining away, i hope. in any case i have to go. goodnight xROBYNx