• It's been about eight months since Mark has moved away. And, finally, I've let him go. Eight freaking months. What a waste. Better late than never, I suppose. Reading those last few entries, seeing my utter desperation for what it was, served as a good wake-up call. I was hopelessly infatuated with the boy and clung onto an idea that may never have even existed. I clung onto that idea so tightly that it took me longer to get over Mark, who I only "dated" for less than a month, than it did to get over the father of my daughter, who I dated for nearly three years. I'm really almost embarrassed by it. I had a dream a couple of nights ago with Mark in it. It was the first dream I had about him in months. And, just like the other dreams, he was taunting me with his sweet nothings while we were alone together. But I was the secondary girl; he had a woman he wanted to be with and loved with his whole heart. The only purpose I served was his fall-back girl that he would go to if he faced rejection from the true object of his affection. I mean, hell, in one of the dreams I had about him, he fucking proposed to another woman, meanwhile I watched and stupidly thought that, secretly, so secretly that he didn't even realize it, he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. My God, that sounds so pathetic. I can't believe I did that to myself. I'm almost angry with myself. Mark was great while he was here, but he really was an asshole. He blew me off to finish packing his house minutes before I was about to head to his house. He lied about leaving. And he had the audacity to blame that on me. He claims to have only left because I didn't ask him to say. Regardless of whether or not that's true, you don't tell someone that. There's no reason to. It'll just nag at the person and eat away at them until they're nothing but a hollow shell. It's selfish. He thought I was wonderful and amazing and reminded me of the happiness I'd forgotten I was capable of achieving. He made me feel like I was someone special. I can't describe to you the wonderfully positive effect that boy had on my confidence. He showed me that there was a world without David where I would find love and happiness. He taught me that we accept the love that we think we deserve. And, most importantly, I realized my own self worth. I deserve more than the shit I dealt and received with my high school sweetheart. I deserve more than to be itemized by men and used for sexual gratification. I also deserve more than Mark and what he had to offer. It's a weird feeling to not be smitten by him anymore. I don't know what I'll daydream about anymore or wish vehemently for at 11:11. It's refreshing. I'm going on a trip to DC with my mother in October. I'm still not sure whether or not I'll tell him and try to see him. I have a feeling that Mark is one of people who I'll fall for all over again whenever I see him. Yes, he's just that beautiful. The way his blue-green eyes lit up the whole room, those dimples on his cheeks, his infectious laugh, his massive height, the contours of his face and jaw, his beautiful arms and hands, his lovely tanned skin. And I think about 70% of the reason I felt so strongly towards him is because he is just so fucking goddamned gorgeous. And older. And we had really amazing sex. Hands down, without a doubt, the best I've ever had. All superficial reasons. Or, maybe, I'm just convincing myself that the only reason I really cared for him are for those superficial reasons so that I can get over him and move on. I don't know, and I don't really care. All I know is that I'm ready for a world without Mark. Soul mate or not. I can breathe more easily now. I finally can wake up without feeling that dread that accompanies regret. I can finally think about him without crying. I don't think about him for hours everyday. I feel happier. All areas of my life are improving now that I'm letting him go. The obsession I had with him was unhealthy. And now that it's gone, I'm just healthier and happier. It feels good. Maybe now I can really improve my quality of life, my happiness, my future, my relationship with my daughter. If I focused half as much time and energy into my studies as I did with Mark, I'd have a 4.0 GPA and would graduate in three quarters. So here's to me. Not to you, not anymore. If you were stupid enough to leave and then blame it on me, then you don't deserve to be with me. I do, however, hope that you're happy in DC. I hope you've found what you're looking for. I hope that you don't still feel like you're going through your "purgatory" stage of life. You changed my life more than you know, and I'm forever grateful to you for that. You helped me to rediscover my self love. Thank you for that. Just please, Mark, whatever you do, don't lose that incredible knack you have for making people happy. You always could make people smile.

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