I'm thinking about how I frequently write up new threads, but never bother to post them. I guess I'll post this one.

And although this might seem like an off-topic clone, I'm hoping it's more pensive and depressing. I really want this to function as a public SM journal, disregarding for the moment that journal carries a certain degree of privacy with its meaning.

I'm also thinking about how I originally had tons of stuff written and was still typing, but deleted it all because I thought nobody would understand me and everyone would judge me and be quick to say you're not normal and you should change and then you'd feel better. I'm thinking about how I don't really know what happiness is and even if I did, I don't think I'd qualify. Don't get me wrong: this isn't a cry for help. I'm not hopelessly depressed either, but the more of life I live the more I start to think it really all just sucks. That being said, the amount of life I have lived thus far isn't much at all.

I am slowly realizing that romanticism and love is a lot more beautiful and interesting in literature, poetry, and contemplation than reality. I was probably naive for never realizing this before. In reality, sexual desires being fulfilled is probably a lot more important than I (and maybe some of you) would like to admit. When it comes down to it, nobody really wants anyone in a way that is actually healthy or humane. Friendships with benefits are probably a million times better, and that will stay true for me until I get involved in one and wish I could seriously be with her because she's really wonderful and we could be together forever and stuff, you know.

Anyway, I apologize if this is like reading fucking Catcher in the Rye. Feel free to share all your thoughts about stuff and stuff about thoughts as well. I am sure this thread will crash and burn into the usual SM cesspool of bickering about the existence of God or ripping on noobs, but it's good to try. A+ for effort. It's probably best to note that you shouldn't take anything anyone says too seriously because they'll probably feel differently once someone does something nice for them the next day or when they get some sleep.

----------
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

The Black Out today...glad to see SM took part in it...i did my part and blacked out for most of the day (well more like passed out)

without Wikipedia I forgot what my name is...

its Zagnut apparently

----------
SM Forest Fire Prevention Representative

I just saw Travis Barkers dick?

I've been thinking about how unintelligent the idea of college is. I might have mentioned that I had to withdraw from college a few months ago, and I just started back this week. I've realized that most of college is useless. I'm working on a forestry major and yet I have to take classes that in no way will help me be an effective forester. I guess its just a scheme in order to milk more money from kids.

Also the social aspect of college is dumb. I love drinking and causal sex just as much as the next guy, but life shouldn't revolve around it (or maybe it should?). I just want to learn what I need to know and be done with it.

This all sounds kind of ramble-y to me, but it looks like this is the purpose of the thread.

Problems with direction and meaning only get worse with age. I keep blowing my centrelink payments on alcohol on the first couple of days.

Things get better.  Then they get worse.  Then better again, and then worse than ever before.  Etc.

But what do you mean when you say that no one really wants anyone in a healthy or humane way?  I've had friends with benefits, and I never felt it was unhealthy or inhumane.  As long as both parties are in agreement over what they want out of the relationship.  If one person develops more than friendly feelings and the other does not, that's usually the point the relationship ends, assuming the person only interested in sex is decent enough to be honest.  There's nothing inhumane or unhealthy about wanting sex.  Maybe if you're depraved, but I don't think you're talking about depravity.  So what are you talking about?

----------
SongMeanings Slut

oh, I don't really know. I didn't mean that in relation to friends with benefits kind of relationships. I've never experienced that kind of relationship. I meant it in any situation. I also didn't mean "want" as in "want to fuck." What I think I was trying to express is that nobody actually wants a relationship out of a relationship if you get my drift. Everyone is after something far different (security, sex, acceptance, etc), whether they are consciously aware or not.

I am currently thinking about how much I hate school and have always hated it. I think I'm just recently realizing that I am the laziest motherfucker in existence and do not want to do anything ever. And this year and last year I've done exceptionally well, and now I finally know that it really isn't worth the effort. I mean, had I been more serious throughout high school I would have probably done better on the ACT, had more scholarship opportunities, and so forth, but it's too late to care now. I guess what I'm saying is that I get minimal personal satisfaction out of doing well in school.

I'm also seriously starting to have second thoughts (but not really) about my relationship. I feel like I'm missing out on single life, even though I've been there before and all it is for me is loneliness and resentment. I don't know. I really don't feel normal compared to my friends, but luckily my one friend assures me that isn't special and he really gets nothing from it (casual sex and whatever). You know what, second thoughts isn't the right expression. I'm just reviewing it and everything.

Existence has really felt futile lately.

----------
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

i mean, the sad part is that it would probably be really difficult to get a job as a forester without a degree. while it is kind of a scam in some respects, it would seem that college is a necessary evil. I just worry that it's going to be worse in the future. there are plenty of college majors that are unemployed, so what's next? will the bare minimum soon be a master's to have any remotely specialized job? 

and yeah, you hit the nail on the head. feel free to ramble about anything.

----------
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

Actually its impossible. Foresters have to have a 4 year degree in forestry. I could get a job as a forest ranger without a degree, but something is stopping me from that. I guess I've been brainwashed into feeling like a failure if I don't graduate from college. Its definitely a necessary evil.

the interwebz is going to war...first SOPA and PIPA, then yesterdays blackout...now feds have killed DDL site Megaupload and Anonymous is attacking government websites...

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! PLAYGROUND RULES!!

delicious...

----------
SM Forest Fire Prevention Representative

Almost two years ago I came out to a few of my friends as bisexual. That was a pretty big step for me, considering I've been struggling with identifying my sexuality for as long as I can remember. They were pretty accepting of it, they suspected anyways. I'm not the most suttle person in the world when it comes to leering. 

I had my first relationship with a girl two summers ago, it didn't last very long but it definitely was a learning experience. 

As time went on I though, I realized that identying myself as bisexual was actually a cop-out. I have NO attraction towards men whatsoever. I've tried so hard to make myself feel something for a guy but I can't. 

On my birthday this year my cousin who lives across the country from me, randomly starting texting me. She's a few years older than me, I'm an only child so I kind of see her as a big sister more than anything. I came out to her because I know I can trust her more than anyone. She's the only who knows that I'm gay, I think anyways. One of my friends pretty much knows but I haven't actually came out and told her.

The next step that I really see myself taking is coming out to my parents but, I'm so fucking terrified. Everytime I go to do it, I freak out and change my mind. Its too the point now where I seriously think I'm losing my mind. They always talk about how they want me to marry a nice boy and have a billion grandchildren. I can still give them grandchildren but not in the way that they want. They also say some pretty homophobic stuff sometimes. I realize that they were taught that homosexuality is wrong, that's how they gew up. Times have changed though, it isn't completely accepted but its getting there.

So that's what I'm thinking about, how the hell am I going too come out to my parents?

Oh and seriously, if you have nothing nice to say to me about being gay then please don't say anything at all. I rather not hear it.

I miss you all

----------
///\oo/\\\

THANKS THATS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR.

Also, a guy was outside my work skulling vodka at 11 30 this morning. Then he came into the store and drank the water from the bucket that the flowers were sitting in.

I’m thinking about how I am not doing anything with my life. I’ve been graduated for just over a year, and I still don’t have a career in my field. That’s not really such a big deal though. It’s really more the fact that I don’t have much motivation at all to look for one. The whole idea of it is kind of terrifying, actually. Maybe it’s the thought of the responsibility, or having to be a grown up, or too many people relying on me, or complete and utter failure. But I suppose that’s normal, right? I’m having a hard time with the transition from semi-irresponsible, drunken, carefree college student to a real person with an established life of my own. I can’t even picture myself that way. While many people that I went to college with are engaged/married/pregnant/all of the above, I cannot imagine that being my life. I feel like I’m running out of time… For what, I’m not sure. But in the grand scheme of things, 23 is young. Right? Right. 

You're what, 17? So, this single life you speak of was from the ages 0-16ish, yeah? I hardly feel that counts as “single life,” let alone any kind of life relationship-wise. Now that you’ve had a relationship (and a meaningful one at that, hopefully), whenever you do enter the single life you’ll be more confident both about yourself, and about your actions with girls. That’ll help immensely with alleviating a lot of the loneliness and resentment you felt before. But, you’re young. If you’ve got a good thing going, why end it? You’ve got all the time in the world, and if you’re happy you deserve to stay that way. Things are going to change very quickly at your age, especially after graduation, no matter what direction you decide to go in. Don’t worry about things becoming too final or anything like that. The single life will be much more fulfilling once you’ve gone through the relationship stuff. I’ve been single for almost 2 years (the first and longest time I’ve been single since I was 15), and I must admit it’s been very, very nice. Until I’m ready to start looking again, that is. I’m learning a lot about myself, what I do and don’t need and/or want, and the freedom is nice too. Being able to spend time with whoever I want with no expectations or attachments is a relief. No attachments on my end, anyway. It’s always the guys that need to work on that part. Anyway, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Take things as they come, and don’t take them too seriously. You’ve got plenty of time for the things you feel like you’re missing out on. You’d just be missing out on something else the other way around, anyway.

It was probably hard enough for you to tell that to us. Baby steps. :) Just because you’ve finally got it all figured out with yourself doesn’t mean you’re suddenly on a countdown to tell everyone. Take the time to get comfortable with your revelations first, you’ll eventually figure out how and when to tell them. I’m proud of you!

yeah, good luck Leblanc.

let us know how it goes, whatever you decide.

----------
SongMeanings Underling

Hey baby...huh huh huh...come to Butthead...huh huh...

(sorry, had to, its hard to keep the Beavis/Butthead persona from popping up...shouldnt have watched it when i was 13)

and youze right about feeling like you havent done anything, at 23...still way to early for that...youve still got quite a ways to go...

here i am at 31 and i can safely say that my life has not gone the way i would want it to (not to mention its been an unmittigated failureP)...i just hope with with what time i got left i get some karma points..

Also to Leblanc...Good for you! Dont make concessions for who you are and who everyone else thinks you should be...It takes a buttload of courage to do what you are doing and im proud of ya for speaking out...we here at the SM gotcha back!

----------
SM Forest Fire Prevention Representative

----------------------------------------------
Last modified on 2012-01-20 19:55:14 by OwnPersonalDemon

I just saw The Muppets. It was pretty fucking awesome.

Also, theres people gossiping about me at work but I dont know what theyre saying. This is not so awesome.

My housemate got referred to the same psychologist I see. I'm more than a little freaked out by that prospect. Mostly because there is a lot I have not told my psychologist that my housemate knows about me.

I'm thinking about how annoying my internet connection can be. How I'm still jet lagged after 2 weeks, and how desperately i need to turn the computer off and sleep.

Also, my friends are dumbasses when they're drunk and high. When i'm stoned I feel all philosophical and want to talk, but then i look around and all my pals are just slumped over snoring. FML.....

----------
On the Road

I dont think theyre allowed to talk about you though.

The psychologist can't talk about other patients, but the patients are free to talk about anything. Or at least that's how I'm aware of the way things work from my limited experience with psychologists.

I'm thinking about how Lamar Smith just won't fuck off.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/…" target="_blank">protecting children from internet pornographers act of 2011/let us go on a fishing expedition without probable cause act 2011

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/…" target="_blank">Sopa

----------------------------------------------
Last modified on 2012-01-21 22:32:00 by Lateralus518

suicide

----------
///\oo/\\\

The psychologist can not disclose anything about patients that they have been told in confidence. Doesn't mean a psychologist can not talk about another patient when a second patient knows the first.

jesus christ

----------
///\oo/\\\